I’m off to the wild, lush and incredibly nurturing Breitenbush Hotsprings for our sold-out retreat doing The Work of Byron Katie for 4 days.
Breitenbush is deep in the Cascade Mountain Range. Snowed in during winter. Old huge trees and stunning air. Tucked away. A true magical retreat center.
who would you be without the internet?
But it’s kind of weird having no internet connection, or cell phone service. Nada. Zip. Zero. Even if you hike waaaaaay up to Devil’s Peak during lunch break and take your cell phone with you, just in case there’s a signal up there.
Not that I’ve ever thought of that or anything.
OK! OK! I know you love No Internet and that all the cool detached people can give it up in 2 seconds.
It IS kinda weird feeling so sure I might miss something.
How did that happen? I used to have no phone and no internet. Like, for several decades of my life. Perfectly happy. No concern.
I don’t think I ever said, like some people did….”I wish I could call so-n-so right now on a special sci-fi device” and have a dream vision of a future when this might happen.
Yet now….there’s a weird sense of concern about how long to go before getting in a car to drive to cell service to check emails.
I admit it.
I have a program to run, though! Stop calling me an internet addict! People are signing up for Summer Camp for The Mind on July 5th and Being With Byron Katie on July 9th. I can’t miss their requests and registrations!
This is IMPORTANT.
And who would I be without the belief I have to check my emails?
Now….really.
It’s not that bad.
We don’t need to do The Work on THAT, it’s not really that stressful.
But.
Visions of myself at last December’s silent retreat with Adyashanti. I snuck my phone out of my room, walked off campus far away from where someone might see me, and turned it on, holding it in my pocket.
I pressed the circle-spinning button to update emails. I could hardly wait for them to load.
Then the quick thumb movement of scrolling. Delete. Delete. Delete. Ooooh, this is an important one. Oh gosh. Must call that person back. OK, just one call.
I look around. Look left. Look right. Scan for people who might see me. I imagine the teacher or other leaders walking by. What if someone comes down this same trail?
Later in the meditation hall, someone jokes that there are probably some people here, always are, who can’t even stand to go without checking their emails, they’re so uncomfortable with silence.
Drat.
What IS going on, with this strange compulsive concern to stay connected, to check emails, to catch up, to delete, to not let the Inbox get too long, to stay on top of it?
I have friends who are very critical of internet contact. They don’t go on Facebook. They put their phones away when out. They make fun of people holding their mugs in one hand, phone in the other.
I’m sometimes one of those people.
Who would I really be without the thought I need to check emails, or have an internet connection, in those times I think I need to (there are plenty of times I don’t, FYI, just in case you think I have a problem–heh heh)?
Sitting in the empty space of *here*.
I don’t always like it.
And yet only if I struggle, or fight, or argue with the silence.
As I relax with silence, I always notice I’m almost afraid of it at first, in these kinds of moments when I haven’t wanted to sink into it. Like there’s a tightening before the full rest. Grabbing on to something solid.
Like some part of me still wants to yell….NO! Not Wild Mysterious Nothingness! NO! Not Empty Brilliant Stillness!
(Have you ever seen the Monty Python skit where a comfy chair is the punishment against a crime? NO! Not the Comfy Chair! NO! NO!)
Who or what would you be without the belief the empty, silent, mysterious, brilliant, wild nothingness is…..DANGEROUS?
Turning it all around:
I don’t need to check emails. I don’t need to find out what’s happening on the internet. I need to check my thinking. I need to check my own connection to the world wide web through this life force that needs no internet (not that there’s anything wrong with internet). I need to connect with myself. I need to connect with absolute silence. I need to relax. I need to connect with Reality, with my thoughts, with what is NOT thinking.
Ahhhhh.
“Compassion is but another word for the refusal to suffer for imaginary reasons.” ~ Nisargadatta Mahara
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Because someone is switching their place AND their friend’s accommodations, all three bedrooms are available during Being With Byron Katie silent retreat ($50 per night). Can’t wait to be with you all.
sweet to know: entering the cave of solitude leads to a joyful place
In yesterday’s Grace Note was a beautiful poem Dream Song written by John Berryman–I forgot to include his name.
It seems, as a writer myself, like a big omission! Jeez!
Yesterday felt scattered, chaotic, with a big list of what needed to get done according to the plans for business and work and personal basics like going to the gym and buying greens for dinner.
It’s funny the wide gap that can happen between what’s expected, and what actually happens.
By 7 pm yesterday, I had my presentation ready for Eating Peace, I had my curriculum done for Money: Loving This Story (it starts in January on Thursdays), my daily blog was finalized, and I had three hours of evening, an empty open gap of time, for doing whatever I pleased.
What to do?
Instead of actually relaxing, though….
….an old familiar feeling entered the scene.
The night was dark, blustery, cold. Things felt quiet and contained in the environment, like staying in was natural.
And yet, my mind kept thinking about December plans, the need to make copies, get items ready for this weekend’s meetup and first session of the 8 Month group, buy tea, arrange a ride for my daughter for Saturday, write the check for the school thing, call the airline reservations to make the change, take the computer to the old computer graveyard (remember?) and clean out my too-old summer clothes so I never have to look at them again.
But I don’t WANT to do any of those things.
I want to be entertained. I want to be excited. I want to connect. I want to. I want to. I want. I want. I want.
I chat messaged a friend “what movie should I watch?”
Husband was busy, daughter was busy.
The restless energy felt like a small flutter in the pancreas area, or behind my back.
Right then….another dear friend skyped me.
I talked with her for an hour or more. This is exceptionally rare.
Especially rare to have this happen fairly spontaneously. My schedule is usually mapped out and I’m quite organized or disciplined with what I’m doing and when.
At least it appears that’s what I am.
Who knows.
But who would you be, when you got that restless feeling of wanting, without starting to demand you need entertainment?
Without believing you “want”?
Without believing you need to go get something so you can become satisfied? (Like food, movie, friend, whatever you use to fill yourself).
I’d be still.
I’d feel very, very quiet.
I’d allow the mind to jump and fuss and screech around like a hoot owl, but something else would stay steady, relaxed.
Silent.
If loneliness appears….OK.
If wanting appears….OK.
But it doesn’t have to be believed, it doesn’t have to be followed.
I don’t have to “do” anything. I can quiet down, I can quiet.
The thinking is not important, the lonely restless feeling is not all that is here.
I wait a moment, just a short moment, and notice I’m back with myself.
The solitude and being here with yourself….maybe not as bad as you think.
Spiritual joys come only from solitude,
So the wise choose the bottom of the well,
For the darkness down there beats
The darkness up here.
He who follows at the heels of the world
Never saves his head.
~ Rumi
Much love, Grace
P.S. Drop in meetup Saturday 11/21 from 2-4 pm, 8 month group has room for one person Sundays (once a month) starting 11/22 from 3-6 pm. Both in Seattle, hit reply if interested.
