Tag: Byron Katie

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It’s all over

There’s nothing for me so fun and wondrous as hanging out with a group of people committed to self-inquiry…

…all people willing to deal with their pain about life, whatever it’s been.

Or willing to be willing. Just a drop.

Open to considering the ordeals we’ve endured, and question our relationship to them.

I got to be in this kind of atmosphere through retreat this past week for six days straight. I also get to be in this kind of powerful energy inside Year of Inquiry and Eating Peace and First Friday (which, by the way, is in 2 days–find out more here) and only every single person I work with.

In so many ways, it seems like awareness comes easiest when the mind comes alive with questions rather than answers, when feeling stressed:

Is it true? What do I want? What am I against? What’s missing? What do I wish never happened?

The people who came to retreat last week were all so wise brilliant, each and every person.

As people shared, I could see the images of their stories in my own mind.

Isn’t that amazing how that happens?

The mind shows a picture immediately by hearing words spoken and ideas expressed, even though we weren’t even there.

I could see in each moment everyone’s small squares on the screen, their backgrounds or their rooms and environments, their sweet faces up close or far away on a chair, or perhaps only their names printed on the screen with video turned off.

What I loved about it all is noticing that being in person, face to face, is not required for this mind to have insights.

Yes, it is beautiful to be near people. It is precious to be in someone’s physical presence. It is amazing to have touch, energy, smell, up-closeness.

And, it is not required for inquiry, for healing, for compassion, for unconditional love.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that you can do it by yourself, and of course on zoom.

You can do it in writing, you can contemplate all by yourself in silence.

There’s constantly a part of us watching closely, considering, taking in the world and wondering about it and about past and future images.

During retreat I noticed a thought arise in myself that’s familiar and old and stressful.

Tom, my amazing co-facilitator, was facilitating someone in a wonderful, fascinating, different way.

And then, “he is doing this inquiry with that person better than me”.

LOL.

Good grief.

Will that voice never end?

And yet…noticing if I’m not against it, what could it teach?

What does it have as a gift, to offer?

Have you had this belief that someone or Those People have it better, do it better, live it better, feel better…anything “better” than you?

(I’ve heard people say they think this about Byron Katie and other thought-leaders and speakers and teachers).

Some of the folks who came to the retreat last week believed this strongly about others. People at their workplaces, their neighbors, those people of other races, those people with those other bodies that look different than mine, those people with that money, success, influence.

They have it better. I wish I had what they have. I’d be happier if I had that.

I know this is kind of strange to say given all the disruption and clarity coming out about race, but in high-school when I was surrounded by mostly black kids, I thought it was too bad I was white.

Believe me, I understand the privilege situation now. This was a microcosm in the midst of the greater society that wasn’t accepting and highly damaging for so many. But in my little 15-year old world, it was so much better to NOT be white.

In Eating Peace program we look at the body.

There are those other people with bodies that mean….attraction, power, appeal, safety. Those thin people. Oh didn’t I wish I had their bodies.

Then…things would be good. I’d be happy.

Just to pause at only one situation, one thought, one idea.

That’s better over there.

A wonderful thing to do with this is where my mind went when I had the thought arise during retreat.

Why am I thinking this? How so? How do I know what I’m observing is better?

My answers: it appears more useful, more successful in creating a shift, more powerful, deeper, more of service for someone.

Is it true? Can I really know that what I’m seeing is “better” over there than what’s apparently over here?

Can I be sure what I’m observing is Not Me? Am I interested in comparing?

No.

It’s OK if your answer is “YES!!!”

I’m just SURE if I had five million dollars like that other person, my life would be better….YES.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you entirely sure? Really?

What happens when you think that Other Person’s experience, appearance, condition, movement, behavior, status, situation is better than yours?

Agony. Despair at the lack of fairness. Disappointed.

I have a “goal” to be that Other Way. Some day. I’ll strive for it. I’ll find the missing piece. I’ll get there. I’ll never stop.

Isn’t this what it’s like while I diet my way to the perfect body, suffering the entire time, using willpower, resistance, force, deprivation, gripping?

I have visions of those amazing people doing it the “right” way. Not me. I may pull away from those fancy people, those thin people, those clear people.

Shame.

So who would you be without the belief “they are doing it better than me”?

Staying in the situation you’ve chosen to go more deeply into. Stay very close to that.

Without the belief “he’s doing it better” I realize I have zero evidence to support that. I know it’s once again, just a personal thought.

I open to the joy and receiving I experience as I look at that Other Person and see such loving movement, such skill, such exquisiteness.

I see the elements and qualities I absolutely adore in Tom, for example: steadiness, a sense of love pressing in, more yang. Aware I also have this kind of intensity–it appears when needed apparently.

In high-school: the aliveness, the joy, the dancing (which is so me), the wild….a full range of colors all magnificent.

In those people with those athletic bodies; the power, the intensity, the joy of climbing a mountain to the top. It doesn’t mean I have to climb the same mountain (never, will I ever).

In that one who apparently has millions: without the belief they have it better I’m noticing, laughing, delighting in what appears to be over there. Happy to see abundance!

Noticing I was believing I’m not inside that experience, when it’s right here IN my experience.

Such appreciation for What Is. The diversity, the spirit, the glory, the clarity, the wealth.

“I” don’t need it to be “mine”. It never actually is.

Wow.

Turning the thought around: I am the best right here, this one who is me in this moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.

They are not “better” in any disappointing or stressful way. They are themselves, and this is itself (I could even question that), and we are both on a fabulous, enticing path of expansion.

What I am here, is just right for now. This is it.

Nothing more, or different, or special required.

Who is the one observing anyway?

Seeing without assessing. Open mind.

Awareness.

Noticing there are no boundaries, no “final answers”, life is constantly in motion, a new segment beginning and ending and beginning again.

Life bountifully bubbling like a geyser at Yellowstone National Park.

Who would we be without our stories that say “that is better” or “this is worse” or “that is worse” or “this is better”?

A great rest and relaxation. Nothing more required. Joyful with what’s taken in. Learning from what I see.

Noticing the draw towards what happens that is displayed before me; that it’s just right, just close enough, coming and going in just the right amount. Passion, depth, music, solidness, connection, love, freedom.

Peace.

“When you are trained, like a great athlete, to immediately relax through your edges when they get hit, then it’s all over. You realize that you will always be fine. Nothing can ever bother you except your edges, and now you know what to do with them. You end up loving your edges because they point your way to freedom. All you have to do is constantly relax and lean into them. Then one day, when you least expect it, you fall through into the infinite. That is what it means to go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Join me for First Friday in 2 days on the actual Second Friday (haha). We gather and do The Work from start to finish. Everyone and anyone welcome, no fee. Get the link on zoom here . 12/9 7:45am-9:15am PT.

P.P.S. Next retreat is on Relationships: Feb 4-7 and then Feb 14th 8am-11am daily for these five days. More info on this Valentine’s Renew, Reset, Retreat coming soon.

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there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

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Uncertainty is BAD–and there’s too much of it. Are you sure?

As I worked on updating the first webinar Orientation for Year of Inquiry day-before-yesterday, I contemplated the week ahead of greeting folks both new and returning to the program.

I also thought about how courageous people are to say “yes” to enrolling in Year of Inquiry with so much uncertainty in the conditions of the world.

A year is long. It’s soooo long.

We don’t know when we can come out of our homes. Houses are burning down. Hurricanes are building. Protests are in the streets. Kids are supposed to be starting school but are not. A virus is spreading. People have lost their jobs.

Holy Smokes! (Um, that would be literally where I live, from forest fires to the east).

Working away on my computer to get ready for Orientation, I glanced out my little cottage living room window at the smokey skies.

And then a thought that it’s true there’s too much uncertainty, in the future a six-month program or even month-to-month is better for this longer-term intimate group.

I had a dream that night after finishing the webinar slides.

A theme emerged: Not Finding It.

Dream. I’m invited to a potluck party in the mountains that’s part of a fundraising non-profit event, with my youngest sister. We drive far up into the green forest, several hours.

We arrive and join a gathering in the large open clearing of a very big ranch-style rambling house surrounded by forest. It’s a summer setting outdoors with seats, tables full of food offerings, fire pits, a low buzz of conversations.

Lots of families and lots of new people my sister and I have never met before. Hand shaking and people eager to help the cause (don’t ask me what the cause was, this is a dream).

Time passes.

Far off in the corner of my eye, I suddenly am shocked to see a very dear friend who is also a facilitator of The Work come through an open door at the side of the house, moving fast. He’s looking down and never glances over.

He takes only a few steps and grabs the door knob to another garage-looking small one-story building, and disappears into it. Careful to close the door behind him.

Wait, did I just see that? (I thought, in the dream).

Why is he here?

Does he know these people?

And where has my sister gone? I wonder what time it is?

Extremely curious and a little excited, I walk across the lawn and approach the door he had gone through and open it.

Inside is an open carpeted type room with at least twenty people gathered together, blankets and pillows sprawled everywhere, a cozy feeling–all people I’ve seen or met through The Work.

Friends. Facilitators. People who love to question their thinking.

Turns out there’s a retreat happening here and my friend had left the room to get a book to read a passage from it (which he had not found, so was returning empty-handed).

The room was reassembling as he returned, but some glanced up and saw me at the door.

Grace??!! YOU are here?! Whaaat??

They recognized me and were as surprised to see me as I was to see them.

I was invited to stay.

But I had to find my sister first and let her know. I guess she should drive the car we came in back home to the city by herself. I could figure out how to get back later (hmmm, will that be a problem)?

I went back out into the non-profit potluck gathering of friendly people–mostly strangers–to find my sister. Where did she go?

She was nowhere in the crowd.

Maybe I should call? I’ll text her. The buttons on my phone kept not working, or I’d hit the wrong one.

(You know those dreams where you can’t quite make the connection? Or you can’t quite get off the ground when you’re trying to fly? Or you can’t speak loud enough for someone to hear you?)

In any case, it was a cliff-hanger.

I woke up.

I was presented with an invitation to do The Work with remarkable people all of whom love this practice, all so curious and filled with awe about the human mind, and how to change their lives based on questioning their beliefs.

But me not quite able to go “in” without hesitation.

Too much uncertainty, disconnection, wondering where my sister (family) was, needing to make sure she’s OK and can get back home by herself and she knows I myself am changing plans.

Plus. More thoughts.

How did I not know that quiet gathering of all these amazing people was happening? Only a few hours drive from my home?

Have I been missing things? Missing communication?

Not Finding It?

Wow.

The feeling was so strong of confusion, wondering, and total surprise….”accidentally” falling into a welcome gathering I apparently traveled to without knowing I was traveling there….and also wondering how this could be?

Funny how the journey inward into “there” or “home” is uncertain, unexpected, surprising, doubtful, weird, unplanned.

The people who we join with show up unexpectedly and still we may need to decide before going all the way “in”.

So many considerations!

Dreams are quite fascinating.

Images, words, pictures, feelings.

It reminded me so clearly that imagery creates feeling, thoughts produce feelings.

 

Even if they are not real and we know they aren’t real. 

We can KNOW something is a made-up story, and yet the body is reacting to the thought.

Movies, stories, dreams, videos, mental imagery.

We wake up from a dream (sometimes a nightmare) and our heart beats rapidly, our body feels full of tension or sadness or desire.

It’s processing through.

We’re still curious and often sorting through the dream afterwards, making friends with it (or wishing we would), pondering it.

I was deeply drawn to meditate on the vivid images in this dream, and notice the underlying theme of Not Finding It and Uncertainty.

An old familiar.

Is it true “I” don’t find it and the outcome is worrisome?

What are you looking for?

Whether it’s “truth” or “ease” or “abundance” or “connection” or “love” or “rest” or “peace” or “realization” or “enlightenment” or “support”?

Are you sure it’s missing?

Yes, yes, yes. That was weird in-between purgatorial type zone in the dream. I know that place. Not there, or here either. Floating.

Friends over there doing The Work happily together, beloved family connection somewhere in the woods amongst strangers.

Can you be sure something’s missing or dangerously uncertain–this sense of belonging? Or love?

No.

Is it true WE are supposed to be the ones finding something? Finding answers? Finding “home”?

Am I the seeker?

Uncertainty.

I asked myself this question: Is it OK you hang between choices, you don’t know the future, you can’t connect to the person you believe you should connect with (sister), you’re floating in a zone between a potluck fundraiser and a garage?

 

Is a Year really too long for inquiry?

LOL.

Who would we be without the story of uncertainty?

I wouldn’t need to know about the future.

I notice I already don’t, and never really have. Not the details at least.

Who would “I” be, or who would “it” be, or how would it be to not feel frightened or frustrated with the uncertainty?

Could it be OK, even peaceful, to not panic when I can’t make the contact I think is required?

Turning the thought around to the underlying belief called “Not Finding It” (Uncertainty).

I am finding it. I found it already. It’s here.

Something here is certain.

Only my thoughts don’t “find it”. My thinking loves to seek. My thinking can’t seem to decide, wants to make the “right” decision. Is pulled in many directions.

There is no need to go hunting.

What is here, is good.

Except for this thinking that runs, even in the dreamworld, things are simply unfolding the way they do.

Could it be that reality is friendlier than we *think*?

A little while after finishing the slide preparation, I had a conversation with a person I had not met before for twenty minutes or so, who was interested in Year of Inquiry.

She shared that she loves it is a whole year. The container is built to last awhile.

So I had a turnaround presented right in front of me.

A year is great for uncertainty. Who knows where the world will be in a year, over the course of life unfolding. Maybe we’ll be gathering together in person again. Maybe not.

I notice in this moment the joyful recognition that it’s OK to suddenly stumble upon the support we need.

Here we all are, and here we go, together.

Well, it’s apparently just right for me.

The groups, the connections, the learning.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and sharing the dance of connection and having a unique life that something is navigating, all while feeling the beat of “home”.

Growing that beat of home until it’s shining so brightly, it doesn’t matter if there’s no cell phone service, no Finding It. (Haha).

If you’re ready to serendipitously fall into the support of a group, then you can still jump on board the peace train in whatever form serves you best. It’s here for you.

For us.

One thing I love most of all is with Work of Byron Katie we’re not trying to get what someone else is believing or thinking or teaching is “right”.

We are our own teachers.

We’re the ones being with this mind and welcoming it–the one I’ve been given–to cherish and love unconditionally.

The Work is the only way I’ve ever known how.

Options:

a) Year of Inquiry train. This is Orientation week (ask me about partial scholarships if you don’t have employment–I was surprised at how few asked me about this for the year). A year of supportive connection and step-by-step with self-inquiry. It’s the same investment as one private 1-hour session per month when you pay in full (or 1.5 sessions per month for the monthly payment plan). Hit reply if you’re ready or have Q’s.

b) Relationship Hell to Heaven: for those navigating divorce, separation, break-up and the confusion or suffering we experience. Sundays starting Sept 17-Nov 15th (no session Oct 4th or Oct 18th). With the good Nadine Ferris-France a wonderful facilitator in The Work.

c) Fall retreat with Grace. Oct 15-18, 2020. 9am-Noon Pacific Time/ Noon-3pm Eastern Time/ 6pm-9pm European time. Three hours a day sliding scale enrollment. (Saturday is set for afternoon hours PT 2-5pm but if most people want earlier hours on Saturday then we will switch. All sessions recorded).

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Will send this out to Eating Peace mailing list soon. Can’t wait.

Eating Peace Experience:

October 19, 2020-March 18, 2021

Read about it here.

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You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again. 

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing. 

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is.  When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

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Horrible. Wonderful. We really just don’t know. And that’s good news.

This quiet Thanksgiving morning in the US, I’m writing you from Cannon Beach, Oregon where the tide is way out at the moment, and the day is just getting light.
I had a terrible night’s sleep.
I stared out the slightly cracked window blinds for hours seeing the dark inky pitch black color beyond. I checked my phone’s clock at 1:30 am and looked at incoming emails for a moment, then closed my eyes and tried again.
This is so rare for me, so that’s good news (says the mind)….but even one night can be frustrating or somehow sad.
I wanted to have a good, energetic day with my two young adult kids and my husband for the holiday.
Now, that’s not going to happen.
Ah ha.
Did you catch that? I’m anticipating the day already, before it’s even occurred.
In case you find yourself in some mental activity at night when everyone else is sleeping, or awake for no apparent reason….let’s do The Work.
You can do this, actually, on anything you’re labeling as horrible that is happening.
It’s horrible if you don’t sleep.
Is that true?
No.
This is really amazing in itself to find. I don’t feel bad at all right now after sunrise, I’m writing, I’m thinking of going for a nice jog on the beach soon.
It doesn’t really matter in this moment what’s happening this afternoon, later on. If I’m awake staring out the window, I don’t have to label it “horrible”.
What happens when you think lack of sleep (or anything) IS horrible though?
I start analyzing why it’s happening.
Maybe I’m feeling very nostalgic about the death of my children’s father and all the memories here that happened with him in the past (we had our honeymoon here, before the kids existed).
Maybe I’m sad about the brief conflict between son and daughter at the dinner table yesterday–something I don’t see often.
Maybe it’s awareness that I have lots to do, I’ve been traveling a ton, and I’m feeling “behind” on some administrative tasks.
Maybe it was feeling dehydrated physically (I got up and drank two big cups of water during my bout of wide- awakeness in the wee hours).
Or all of the above.
Who knows…..but when I believe being awake is “horrible” or will make things “horrible” later, I’m upset in the very moment in the night.
So who would I be without the belief?
Staring and relaxed, noticing. Fascinated. Noting all these thoughts swirling, and old memories and images that are surprising.
Noticing hopes and expectations for this time away–and dropping them.
Without the thoughts of something being “horrible” I’m aware I’m getting wonderful meditation time. I thought this in the night as I did The Work in my head. I felt the bed, my back against the mattress, the air in the room.
Turning the thought around: My thinking about not sleeping is horrible.
I’m in the future, in an afternoon that doesn’t yet exist. I’m out of the quiet, middle-of-the-night wonder of meditation. I’m not trusting what is at all. I’m making it dramatically “horrible” like it’s a big tragedy, and something’s wrong.
Turning it around again: It’s wonderful if you don’t sleep. 
Can I find anything interesting about not sleeping, even if you can’t exactly find it’s wonderful (yet)?
Yes, I explored feelings in energy and the body. I massaged my forearms. I listened to some of the voices I was hearing in my mind, and reviewed memories quietly, peacefully.
Naps are a thing. I can always do this later if it appears as a sweet option.
I’m good at speaking about my feelings, once I turn inward and contemplate them. I’m very interested, even feel wonderful, about Not Avoiding or Escaping. I found some compassion for myself and all the images from the past and this place.
And it is Wonder-Full to be awake in the wee hours. That’s a big turnaround, right?
I can find it. So quiet, so soft, so empty. Two o’clock in the morning is so still. Monks do this on purpose all over the world for centuries to connect to God, Universe, Reality, Self without needing to complete basic tasks or any activities.
I can feel the wonder of being up. The wonder of noticing a sky going from pitch black, to pale blue, to lighter pale blue and grey.
What a mysterious, fascinating, curious place, this earth and this life–my own body, these eyes seeing, this mind thinking, these other bodies in my presence who are “related” to me and so precious:
Children, husband, the people I’ve never met outside walking over to the beach, the buildings, the white seagull, the hum of the fridge–apparently all of this that came out of nothing into something for reasons unknown.
No sleep required for happiness.
Nothing missing. Nothing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Thank you.
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The best way to question your thoughts: with other people, scheduled, sharing

When I look back on my life before The Work…it looks like black-and-white TV.

I actually hated my mind a lot of the time. Not friends.

Really.

I was extremely self-critical, irritable, depressive, and sometimes felt sorry for myself. I would isolate and try to fix my mind and think more positively or “snap” out of it.

And as many of you know, I had a tumultuous relationship with food and eating and body image and loads of therapy to end a raging eating disorder.

When I read Loving What Is in 2004, I was profoundly moved.

I thought it was a brilliant idea.

I sat down to “do” this thing called The Work, and I had to keep opening the book and saying to myself..”What do I do next? What’s the question? Wait, What? Is it absolutely true? I have no idea, that’s the problem here!…”

Quit.

Yah, I’d give up pretty fast in frustration and confusion.

But I knew there was something there, it was so amazing to me to have read all the inquirers in Loving What Is and what people had accomplished and experienced, including Byron Katie herself, through questioning their stressful thoughts.

Why are some people able to drop into The Work quickly, and create a sense of inner peace in their lives, along with success around what they highly value….and others find themselves confused, upset or resistant to their minds and the way they’re thinking?

It seems as if some people who learn about The Work of Byron Katie grab and pen and paper, and sit down with enthusiasm and joy to start writing their objections to life.

I actually heard someone say this after she read Loving What Is, she sat down and made a list of about 300 things (seriously) she objected to about life, and started at number one.

She then took each thing through the four questions, in writing on her own, and found all her turnarounds and changed her entire life.

Um, yah. But, moi? Some others of us in the human race?

Not so much.

Even though we’re pretty sure The Work works, and it sounds viable that questioning the mind chatter can lead to breakthroughs in how we observe life, and we’ve witnessed people getting it out loud as they share with us (what courage) their work on video or on retreat….

….there are persistent thoughts and stories that just don’t seem to get penetrated easily.

But I’m here to say, anyone can question their thinking, and find the freedom and inner peace that sometimes seems so elusive.

Because I’ve done it myself.

How?

Just showing up.

Yes, so simple.

But not easy. (Kinda like The Work itself, actually).

About six months after my first School for The Work (which entirely blew my mind) there I was, struggling to actually DO The Work regularly.

I’d see the thinking. I’d watch and notice it.

And then continue about my business. Grocery shopping. Cleaning the house. Applying for jobs. Worrying. Being with my kids. Making my kids dinner (badly). Trying to navigate a separation in my marriage at the time that felt horrible. Signing up for a ton of classes like dance, qigong, and other personal growth techniques.

Did I stop, sit down, and write my thoughts on paper?

Oh no, no, no. Who wants to see those thoughts on paper? Eeew.

The resistance was entering again that left me in a cloud bank of fog and an unwillingness and negativity about doing The Work itself.

Who am I to think I could be successful? To be truly peaceful within? To love and accept myself and MY MIND (that enemy of mine)?

Who was I to imagine I could find my own answers and turn towards myself with respect, care…..loving kindness?

I said things to myself like “if I was really so capable of finding peace, I would have it by now. I’ve gone to The School, I’ve written worksheets, I’ve had insights on my family of origin and traumas from the past….shouldn’t I feel good all the time, 24/7?”

(My perfectionism and expectations for who I should be were hard nuts to crack).

Thank goodness someone called me from that first 2005 school I attended, and said A) let’s partner regularly in The Work and, B) there’s an online class in The Work where students meet once a week for 2 months, let’s sign up.

At the time, 2005, I had never heard of an online class. These were telesessions.

Everyone dialed in, we did The Work.

I called my partner every Monday morning with a worksheet or a one-liner. I became more and more honest about my ridiculous, childish, aggravating, outrageously dramatic thoughts.

My partner listened. She didn’t have to coach me. This was The Work. Simply questioning the thinking, the painful story.

I started to feel clearer, better. I dared to speak out loud, to do The Work on the group calls, to stay connected with this new partner long after the class was over.

I was witnessed. Other people could share their observations, and learn about who I was and my tendencies and worries.

I didn’t have to do it alone.

Wow. What a concept.

So I suppose you could call my process of deep internal questioning that is The Work the slooooooooow turtle approach.

Except, to be honest, I didn’t DO The Work until I did it with others, until I had homework and accountability and a schedule with The Work.

Here’s a little secret: I still lean towards putting The Work off, if my mind got left to its own devices.

The ideas of the mind are “who cares about inquiry, let’s go to a movie. Life is for living, let’s plan some kind of escape travel somewhere.”

I know to say “oh you cute little mind, you. We can go to a movie in awhile, but first, let’s look at the movie playing in the head–the one causing disruption, failure, sadness, rage, procrastination”.

And we begin.

Four questions and finding turnarounds.

It really really really takes practice.

There are a lot of characters in this mind to work with, a lot of screamers and criers and agonizers and worriers.

A turnaround I’ve found is that it helps me relate to everyone, every thought ever produced.

Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing we need to hide. All characters of human consciousness are welcome here.

Year of Inquiry is a way to give the mind a gift of being questioned, as a practice. No expectation of finding total enlightenment in 3 weeks, or anything crazy like that.

We simply dive in, sanely, to the process….sharing the road to freedom together.

What I’ve found by doing The Work with a regular practice is the gap between intense drama or depression and awareness closes.

In just the right order, right timing, right process.

As I’ve done The Work, other experiences have presented themselves in my world and I’ve followed them. New books to read, different sorts of retreats, silent meditation, a deep happiness at being right where I am.

(I have never lived longer in any home than the little cottage in which I live now, where I’ve been for 14 years–always too restless before).

This Year of Inquiry starts next week. Registration closes Sept 8th at 8 pm.

During the year you’ll get to look and watch your mind, and question it.

Questioning the mind leads to a peace and freedom and success I always wanted, but had practically given up on believing it was possible for me.

I know it’s possible for you, too. 

I’m ready to share The Work with you in the most safe, clear, simple way I can. I’ve learned over the years of practicing this work, and running Year of Inquiry, that when we stick with this despite inner complaining or worrying….insight comes all on its own. You aren’t missing anything. It become clear what the sages mean when they say “you have what you need inside”.

Enroll here: Year of Inquiry

I’ll send you an email once I receive notice you’ve enrolled, and we’ll set up our introductory solo session.

Beginners and experienced all take this program. Many people who have been to Schools for The Work enroll, to stay steady with their practice.

This is meditation, and we support one another like a sangha, a group of friends learning acceptance of What Is and living our turnarounds.

“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector-mind-rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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I had to admit it. Yikes.

First (before today’s inquiry) an accidental merging of my mailing lists (in case you haven’t read the news): I pressed a button and all Eating Peace subscribers were combined with regular Grace Note subscribers. 

But I figure this has lead to something perfect: you updating your subscription with what you want to receive from Work With Grace, and what you don’t. 

Grace Notes (like the email you’re reading) come out 1-3 times a week with the The Work on some stressful thought (plus all upcoming events are announced, the Peace Talk podcast updates, and First Friday monthly free sessions). 

Eating Peace Notes are all about eating, self-inquiry, and ending troubled relationships with food and our bodies (and especially our minds) and comes out once every 7-10 days with a youtube video.

How to update: scroll down to the link at the very bottom of this email (or any email you ever receive from me) and click the Update Profile link. It’s in tiny pale letters.


The whole list debacle makes me think of fessing of up to mistakes made, and how this goes in the world whether between two people, or huge groups, or whole countries. 

It can be incredibly powerful to admit your part in an interaction gone “wrong”. Or to tell the honest truth when you’re asked a question directly.

“The answer is…..”
“I have something to tell you….”, 
“I must admit that….”
“I’m worried about saying this, but the truth is….” 
“I’d like to have a heart-to-heart conversation about….”

The other day, my husband, who is a school teacher, stood in the kitchen looking into a bag of fabric someone donated to him for his classroom. 

“Oh look!” he said with delight, “this design is so beautiful! And this one looks like a picnic table!” 

He continued to scrounge through the huge bag of large and small fabric pieces. 

Then he pulled out some kind of white mesh thing with sticky sides and held it up and looked towards me, sitting over in the living room. 

“Do you know what this is?”

I stood up and came over to look. 

I had no idea. Some kind of backing perhaps, something used in sewing. 

My husband left it on the counter. 

Several hours later I was back in the kitchen making a cup of tea, cleaning everything up the way I do while the water boiled, emptying the dishwasher, wiping counters, putting things away where they belong.

I held up the folded white mesh thing-we-didn’t-know-what-it-was, paused, hesitated, and then threw it in the garbage. 

Um. Heh. Yah, I did that. (It’s not the first time).

That evening, my husband poked his head into where I was reading. “Do you know where that white meshing stuff is from the donation bag?”

Oh. 

“I’ll get it!”

I noticed myself jump up, go into the kitchen and fish the stuff out of the garbage, with him following me and seeing me do it. I kinda wish he wasn’t following me, if you know what I mean.

What did I think, earlier? That he’d never notice? (Yes, and I remember hesitating with the gut feeling to ask him first).  

“You threw it out?!”

Fortunately for me, I have the dearest most patient husband in the world. The stuff was slightly moist in one area from a tea bag, but intact. 

While in this situation part of me knew to take the time to ask first….I’ve been in situations before where I deleted documents, broke something, lost my wallet or keys, forgot an appointment….and I didn’t “mean” to do it. This one I actually basically knew not to, and did it anyway. 

One underlying thing was happening in all of them: wanting to go fast. Wanting it to be easy, and done. Finished. Over. Task Complete. Problem Solved. Kaput. 

Being someone who was once bulimic, literally, with a raging eating disorder, I watch the underlying belief in axing things, or purging, still arise. 

It happens so quickly, because speed is involved. 

Get this out of here, cut this off, remove it from my sight, off with his head!!

Have you ever handled relationships with others like this?

Jobs. Romances gone sideways. First husband when he said he wanted to end the marriage. 

People sometimes cut off their family members using this “delete” strategy rather than tell the full and honest truth, and listen to the other tell theirs. Which takes time, patience, slowing down, willingness to share together and speak and discover what it’s like for the other. 

But here’s the thing: For me, it’s always good to do The Work first, before such an intimate conversation.

It’s worth it. 

It’s literally one million times easier to share honestly with someone you love than to hold it in, pretend things are OK, repress, be super careful. Even better if you discover your own fears, motive or agenda beforehand, by doing The Work.

I know, I know….that other person may not want to speak with you even if you get to the place where you do. That’s OK. The best feeling is being open and willing. You can let them know you are (if you are) so they know you’ll be ready when they are. 

Meanwhile, I love the four questions.

I can just throw this away, and the counter will be clean. (I can just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…)

Is it true?

Um. Rats. There may be a few steps in between. These steps might look like feeling our full feelings, willingness, inquiry, learning, honesty, clarity, awareness, love, surrender, peace.

So, no. It’s not true that throwing it away will clean it up, forever…or with no consequence. 

How do I react when I believe safety lies in cutting something off? Or my goal will be realized if I throw something out (even if it’s not mine)?

I move fast. I toss it away.

Long ago, when I was trying to follow spiritual principles I was gathering from anything I could possibly read, I decided giving all my possessions away would put me into a state of wonder and lack of burden. 

I literally took everything, including photo albums with all my own baby and childhood photos, to the dump. I watched everything I owned practically go over the edge by my own hands into the pit. 

I still think about that purging. The desire to purge my mind of myself. The desire to be something that was Not Me. Really believing it would bring me to freedom, or peace.

It didn’t. 

Who would you be without the belief that throwing something, someone, that issue….into the garbage or out of your sight, will make things easier? Quicker? Handled? Safer?

Sigh.

I’d ask my husband if he wanted the thing, or not. If he said “no” I might even put it in the Goodwill box and treat it as something of value. (I still do love giving away things I don’t use very often, and prefer the more minimalist life of a little house, fewer clothes, just-right amount of pots and pans, one bookshelf of books).

Who would I be without the belief that tossing it away would clean it up? Including a relationship?

I’d be doing The Work. Checking my inner clenching. Watching “my” resistance. Noticing the fear at the human level and the absence of fear at a place beyond.  

I’d make contact with an open mind, with the other person. I’d share my inner life, and connect with them, without expectation. 

Turning the thought around: I can’t throw this away and expect the counter will be clean. I can’t just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…

Could this be just as true or truer? What’s the reality? 

I notice the mind, and the heart, want to catch up with each other and understand together what’s going on. I notice I want to connect with others in a really honest, open-hearted way and this takes time. Willing to listen, speaking the truth in response, sharing until it feels empty.

I notice I can’t throw my thinking away about something that happened that I found disturbing. I can’t just shut it down, isolate it and go on about my life without inquiry and understanding. 

It takes as long as it takes. It takes reflection, having an honest conversation with myself. Willing to be wrong or misunderstood. Willing to Not Be The Victim. 

And here’s the good news: you don’t have to have the other person say “yes” to a conversation, you don’t have to keep a job that’s really not right for you, you don’t have to keep the white mesh thingie on the counter when you want the counter cleaned off. 

It’s a clarity dance. 

I love slowing down, with the help of The Work. I love noticing the way the mind believes Fast or Over is better, instead of Slow and Steady.

Best of all, it’s a work in progress, this dawning of awareness. It’s underway. Happening. Doing what it needs to do. 

“I see people and things, and when it comes to me to move toward them or away from them, I move without argument, because I have no believable story about why I shouldn’t. It’s always perfect. A decision would give me less, always less. So ‘it’ makes its own decision, and I follow. And what I love is that it’s always kind.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to question your thoughts about a relationship that ended (divorce, break-up, separation) then join me January 6th on Sundays at 11:00 am Pacific Time for 6 sessions (no class January 13th). Sign up here.

Eating Peace Retreat is also coming soon. Three spots left. This is a deep and powerful immersion in questioning thought, behaviors, relationship with food, reactions, compulsion, betrayal, disappointment. We start Weds night Jan 9th and end Monday morning January 14th. Life changing. 

Question your thinking, change your world. 

Much love,
Grace

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If I say “no”, they’ll be furious

  • This coming Friday, Dec. 14th Let’s Do The Work: It’s free. 7:45-9:15 am PT. Bring a pen, paper and open mind. All levels of experience are welcome. Click here to join.
  • January 9-14, 2019 Eating Peace Retreat. Sign up here. If you’re flying into Seatac airport, land late afternoon Weds (4:30 pm), leave after 1 pm Monday. 4 spots left, and 3 rooms in the retreat house.
  • March 22-24, 2019 Sit In The Fire, a 3-day weekend of emotional release/trauma work in combination with self-inquiry, facilitated by Roxann (Byron Katie’s daughter). Watch Grace Notes for the minute we take reservations. Email me now to get on the waitlist (hit reply).
  • Spring Retreat May 15-19, 2019. Lake Forest Park, WA (Grace’s hometown in northeast Seattle). Best spring cleaning you can do for yourself. The mental kind!

A man sat with me on skype, far away in another time zone by distance, but fully present that moment to a deeply painful belief: if he said “no” to his father, his father would go ballistic with rage. 

He had proof. From his childhood. 

He was so upset with himself for feeling the same way for over forty years. 

“I’ve been such a people-pleaser. I’ve kissed ass, I’ve bent over backwards for my bosses. There’s no way out of this, I never change. I’m just too scared.”

He spoke the words of someone who feels hopeless. 

I could relate.

While I didn’t have a father who went ballistic with rage, and fortunately came from a household growing up where physical violence was rare, I had that same automatic reflex of wanting to be pleasing to others and not make them mad. 

Especially parents, people I believe I needed. 

If I said “no” they’d get really angry and stop talking to me, or punish me by withdrawing attention or support. They’d make it clear I was “bad” or “wrong” with my no, and maybe even tell other people who would also reject me.

Byron Katie talks about three things we humans tend to become crazed for: love, approval, appreciation.She calls it LAA for short.

It doesn’t feel so la-la when you’re desperate for it, right? 

Your thought is that person doesn’t love you, and you neeeeeeeed their love, approval or appreciation. The mind thinks “I can’t stand someone out there NOT LIKING ME!”

I thought this about siblings, romantic partners, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses. 

If I received a disgusted look, a critical remark, a dismissal, a sarcastic comment….oh no, here it comes: I can’t say “no”, I can’t express my own opinion, I need to be pleasing, I need their appreciation, I need to repair this, I need to get them to like me again.

Just like the dear inquirer who sat with me, let’s do this.

Is it true you need their approval, love, appreciation, acceptance?

Yes. I hate not having it. Except…..no. I will not die without their acceptance. 

Even in the case of this inquirer doing The Work where he thought because he said “no” in the past, his father would hurt him, he realized he survived. He was OK. He even ran out the front door. 

He then moved away and grew up. Reality was actually kinder than his expectations about it.

How do you react when you believe you need them to like you? You need them to approve, accept, appreciate you?

Ugh. 

It’s a horrible, endless effort to get what I think I want and need from them: Their smile, them saying “we’re so alike and you’re so brilliant” (or whatever I think I enjoy hearing), their hand reaching out to me, their praise. 

When I believe I want it, and I’m not getting it, I definitely don’t say anything I think they won’t like. 

Like, “no”. 

I don’t want to disappoint them.

I feel sick.

Maybe, I eat, smoke, drink, spend, watch TV, go to the internet, try to grab some kind of pleasure or avoidance somewhere else.

So who would you be without the belief “if I say ‘no’ they’ll be angry” or even more importantly “I need their love” (and disagreement means I don’t have it)?

It doesn’t mean you’d be a cold, heartless beo*%ch. 

At least that’s what I’ve noticed. Because I still see a human being who wanted time with me, who wanted me to say “yes”, who wanted it the way they wanted it. 

Just like me.

Without the belief I need anyone’s love, approval or appreciation….I simply tell the truth. 

I don’t feel afraid of people’s questions or requests or suggestions. I respond with interest, curiosity, and my own questions if I have them. I feel like there’s solution possible, even if we don’t know it yet. I don’t feel despair or like giving up. 

Turning the story around: 

  • If I say “no” they will love me. I don’t need their love. Could be just as true. Can you find examples? For me, I’m aware the person I say “no” to still accepts or appreciates me. Perhaps they’re disappointed, but it’s because they love me, not because they don’t. 
  • If I say “no” I won’t love myself. I need my own love. True. I see the other person’s upset, and I quickly decide it means something about me. I forget to love myself, and feel my open heart towards them even as they have a tantrum (LOL). 
  • If they say “no” I won’t love them. They need MY love. Also could be true! I’ve been angry that person didn’t give me exactly what I wanted, er, I mean demanded. Yikes! Perhaps they only wanted something, and I refused to give it, and just like me they perceived this meant I didn’t care, love, appreciate or approve of them.

“Suppose your hand moved for no reason, and he found that unacceptable–wouldn’t it be obvious that it was all his show? If he criticizes you, and you take that personally, you’re the one who hurt you. The story you impose onto his criticism is where the pain begins. You’re arguing with reality, and you lose.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself 

Woah. So, if I see that person upset when I’ve said “no” (or anything else for that matter) then I upset myself when I take it personally.
Who would I be without that story?

Free to say “yes”, to say “no”, to be honest and kind in the presence of anyone, and everyone.

Much love,Grace

P.S. If you’ve felt like you’re bracing yourself against the one who was once connected, and now is NOT (separation, break-up, divorce) and all the associated stressful beliefs that rise up around this person….you may love the upcoming class “Divorce is Hell: Is It True?” starting Sundays in January. Sign up here.

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The Work of Byron Katie Free First Friday – ending our own suffering

First Friday Inquiry Hour is 7:45 am – 9:15 am Pacific Time.

Join me live right here. Audio only. Use phone or WebCall to connect for free and be heard (should you decide to share). If you prefer to be listen-only then connect using Broadcast.

The options for joining First Friday sometimes don’t appear until 15 minutes before the call. Come at 7:30 to take your virtual seat on the call.

Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

This past week, in the very same format as First Friday,(everyone gathering via teleconference) a profoundly stressful thought appeared from one of our group members in Year of Inquiry.

About mother.

She should have stopped the suffering.

I witnessed precisely this same thought a few weeks ago on retreat, and the same thought in a retreat last year.

I’ve sat individually with others investigating at this thought.

I’ve felt the rage of wanting Someone Else to fix it, and believing I was unable–but they were.

They should stop the suffering!

She should take us to safety. He shouldn’t have let this happen. They shouldn’t have taken such risks.

I remember believing this about my father and mother.

We’re driving in our van on a dirt road through tall yellow grasses. My mother is looking tensely at a map and speaking sharply to my father who is driving and saying “this has to be the right road, there aren’t any other roads!”

The sun is getting low.

I sense we were supposed to be somewhere by now, wherever our destination is for the night. My three sisters and I have been playing word games and looking out the window at the African landscape.

We hear gun shots.

In the distance I see a lone house begin to come into view in the orange light. Someone is standing and waving their arms back and forth above their head in the way that appears to be a universal sign for “Look here! Over here!”

We bump down the dirt road, my dad stops the van, and grown ups are talking to one another while we four kids are still in the car. My parents come back to say we’re not staying here, we still have a ways to go to get to the peanut farm.

Nothing more happened. Nothing terrible occurred.

But there was so much tension in the air, I still remember it quite vividly. The fear, the sharp words, the not knowing what was happening or where we were exactly (a country called Rhodesia).

When we get to the peanut farm, the white family greets us (we are also white) and there are whispers about the dangers, but we’re ushered into comfortable bedrooms with mosquito netting.

I look back and learn of that year we were on the road, and all the insane political events happening very close. I wonder about my parents taking us to dangerous places.

Is it true they should have stopped?

No.

The situation I describe was nothing compared to the other painful situations I’ve explored with brave inquirers looking at the violence in their childhoods.

You might answer “yes” to this question. The one I trusted, the one who was supposed to look after me should have taken me away from that danger.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

This is never about condoning or passively accepting an awful situation, or saying it was good when it was not.

But what a profound question: Is it absolutely true–is the entire story true–is everything I think about this situation actually true?

For me, no.

For the inquirer in our group, even though the answer was initially “yes, it’s true”….

….we kept going.

How do you react when you believe the thought that someone (mother, father, anyone) should have protected you, done something, stopped the suffering?

Who would you be without this belief?

As I’ve heard others answer this question, the compassion that arises for the one who couldn’t protect is astonishing. The compassion and sadness for the whole situation. The heart-break for humanity.

To touch into the power of this kind of love for what we thought was dangerous, frightening, intolerable, someone-else’s-fault….what a gift.

I hope you’ll join me for First Friday in a few hours. Let’s do The Work.

Connect with us here.

No one is guilty of anything other than believing their thoughts. ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

Posted on

The solution to shame: showing what you really feel (come work it at autumn retreat)

One of the most powerful experiences of transformation I’ve ever encountered is to truly, honestly, openly and without shame (or, even if I do have shame) express my feelings, and be witnessed by others.

Thirty years ago, I was in a powerful weekly group process for 3 years where we looked closely and deeply at our troubled feelings, and shared them.

We showed them to others.

Instead of talking about fear, or sadness or hurt….we cried, screamed or spoke the story we were believing with an honest heart. Self-consciousness dissolved. The energy changed.

Something’s been happening within me for the past several years where I’m connecting this honest expression of feeling with self-inquiry and The Work, which seems to require thinking.

It’s been underway as a weaving together for a very long time. In this autumn retreat coming up, we’ll gently and kindly spend more time allowing the feelings that appear. We’ll notice them, encourage them, be with them.

I love these feelings, our inner world–the temple bell that says “time to inquire”. If you’d like to join me in the honoring of your inner life, and self-inquiry, then consider coming to northeast Seattle in three weeks to be in the adventure of loving kindness with who you are, even when you believe un-believable and very troubling thoughts.

Especially when you believe unbelievable and troubling thoughts. Join me in the retreat by signing up here.

Speaking of unbelievable thoughts. I’ve had kind of an embarrassing thought that’s reared it’s head lately again–but also many times in the past.

I shared about it on facebook today. I keep forgetting to tell you all I’m doing a facebook live every single Tuesday at 4 pm Pacific Time. The video gets recorded and posted immediately on my facebook page here.

The stressful and slightly embarrassing thought I’m bringing to The Work today?

“I don’t have enough money. I want more.”

In my facebook video, the story I told from ten years ago felt like a threat to my very survival.

When I had the thought recently it was different. But both times, I definitely felt ashamed.

This more recent kind of not having enough is like a sorrowful, complaining, piteous kind of Not Enoughness.

I just want more.

I already know I don’t neeeeeeeed more. It’s not urgent, it’s not an emergency.

But by comparison those other people have so much more than me. And I hate it. They can do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, decorate however they want, have whatever they want, spend their time however they want, go wherever they want.

And what makes it worse is, I shouldn’t be complaining about this. There are starving people in Africa. I’m such a greedy American. It’s ridiculous. Poor baby can’t have her electric car or gym trainer or yoga retreat.

Yikes.

That sounds so harsh, right?

I work with so many people who have stressful thoughts, and then think they’re being horrible people for having them.

I can relate. But even if embarrassing, I still have the belief “I don’t have enough money”.

I don’t have enough money for doing lavish things I’ve seen in the movies or heard about from time to time like hiring a plane to take me to an island. I don’t have enough money to go on another retreat. I don’t have enough money to do nothing all day.

Instead of hitting yourself with harsh-ness for having a thought, let’s actually do The Work instead. Because it’s sweet and loving and very kind to give yourself the care and attention of looking at a thought that feels true.

Here are my favorite questions to ask first, when it comes to thoughts about not having enough money:

1) What would you have, if you had all that money you dream of and could acquire the things you want? Success? Rest? Ease? Freedom? Security? Look at those other people you’re comparing yourself to….what do they have that you don’t have?

2) What’s the worst that could happen if you never, ever get that amount of money? Lack of fun? Failure? Lack of comfort, or care? Will you suffer?

Is it true I don’t have enough money to have freedom, fun, joy, comfort, security right now?

Can any amount of money guarantee any of these things?

Haha. No.

Do you really need more money to gain time, happiness, safety, or freedom?

You might genuinely be able to attain a little more comfort. You might get to sit in a chair that cost $3800 instead of $38 and notice it feels a bit softer or looks more elegant.

But as Byron Katie says so beautifully….sitting is sitting.

Is more money really seriously required for you to be happy right now, in this moment?

Are you sure you need as much as those Other People, who have millions? Are you sure you aren’t equally capable of obtaining as much as them, whether it’s money or other interesting adventures in life?

Who would we be without our beliefs about wanting or needing MORE?

Wow.

I’d feel very connected to those others. I’d trust they need what they have, and I need what I have. I’d be aware that money comes and goes and moves about and stays or doesn’t, like the weather.

I’d notice I love receiving money and trading it for other things I need like food, or heat, or clothing.

I’d notice how much fun this is, like a game instead of a serious dilemma. Just as much fun to be connected and play and delight in money as in lack of money.

Turning the thought around: I do have enough money. I don’t have enough supportive/clear thinking (about money). Money doesn’t have enough of me.

Those qualities or conditions I want from money? Perhaps it’s time for me to give these to the world, to others, to money itself: support, service, respect, comfort, ease, freedom, love. I could give these qualities to others, to the world, instead of grabbing for them in this situation.

Today I received two registrations for fall retreat within an hour, and suddenly my thought about not having enough people signed up went away.

Until.

I thought about the two empty rooms with king sized beds still available for participants to stay onsite that are not yet filled. I’ve already paid for them. I won’t get reimbursed if no one stays there. I’ll lose money. It will be bad. I need more money for those rooms.

LOL.

Who would I be without this thought?

Noticing I watch, wait, write, act and it’s a big wonderful magnificent dance. I have no idea how many people will be sleeping onsite until October 17th.

I don’t know how many people will attend retreat until it’s over.

Recently, as you probably know if you read Grace Notes, I got to attend and witness so many beautiful people doing The Work during a 3 day retreat I was not leading. One person left after the first day. Slipped away without saying goodbye.

Reality shows us who is supposed to be there and who is not.

How very, very exciting. What a wonderful sense of trust, joy, and action. I notice I still speak or share about the upcoming retreat, but no one has to come.

If no one showed up at all (which appears to be untrue based on the list of committed folks I have…but you get the idea)….

….if no one shows up, then I notice I get 4.5 days of silent, peaceful, quiet retreat time to do The Work on my own and really be my own facilitator in a way I could never imagine in my past life. Isn’t that truly what I always wanted, to be friends with silence, and my inner emotional world, and my thinking?

What a spectacular fun turnaround scene to notice in the mind in my imagination: that if no one came, or no money showed up when I think I want or need more, no vacation or skin treatment or new bicycle was ever possible in my entire life (or anything I think would be nice)….

….that I’d know I did my best, I stepped forward with courage and willingness, I’m not wrong or some kind of greedy weirdo, I treated money as a loving friend not an enemy who’s teasing me or leaving me out, that I questioned my stressful opinions and found humor and joy.

Who would you be without your story of Not Enough?

Much love,
Grace
P.S. As I mentioned, when I was in my late 20s, I was in a drama therapy and primal/gestalt corrective parenting group for three years. Fifteen years later I found The Work.

In autumn retreat we’ll listen to our emotional experience and listen to our bodies as we do The Work. There’s no shame in our feelings. They point us to our stories. They tell us and show us what we’re believing. Come join me in this transformational Work of Byron Katie. Questions? Hit reply here or call me 206-650-1230.