June 2016 – Page 2 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

June 16, 2016

I thought there was a problem….but I was insane

Have you ever felt abandoned? Left out? Sure those other people are judging you, or couldn’t care less about you? Suspicious they dislike you, disrespect you, find you entirely unimportant?

The other day as I listened as a beautiful client talked about a whole group of people leaving her out. She had loads of excellent proof.

Certain Men.

They don’t care, they disrespect, they’re unkind, they’re rude, they’re entitled.

I remembered a moment I felt the very same thing.

My situation?

I’m in someone’s massive living room (a man’s). A huge wall has been slid open on one side of the house, to an electric blue swimming pool and gorgeous night patio. People all around me, socializing together at this big dinner. I’m aware many of them earn gazillions of dollars a year in their businesses….including our host. While it’s a mix of men and women, my thought is the majority are men. Everyone is friendly, funny, young to old.

I’m sitting near a woman, who I feel closer to. She says “I feel like a peon in this group, with my business only earning a million a year”.

OMG.

What?

I don’t even earn 100K a year. And SHE feels like she’s a peon? She earns a million dollars? Seriously?

What am I then?

I don’t belong here. Panic. What if they all knew? I’m such a dunce to have asked to come. I thought I might fit in. I don’t. Where’s the exit? How embarrassing. Look at this ugly grey sweater I’m wearing. What if they knew I got it at Goodwill? I need to stay calm.

In zero to sixty seconds, I also decided all the supremely successful people were men. They could care less if I was there, or not. A woman who never thought about money, earning or business until the past couple of years (at least, I never thought about it as my department, or something I might get involved with).

They don’t value me. I have nothing to give them that they would value.

Wow. Such a stressful thought, in that situation.

Where have you had this kind of thought, about not fitting in, and feeling concern about it? It doesn’t have to be about salaries and money, it could be something completely different. And yet, the very same stressful belief.

What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t fit in, or you have nothing of value?

Banishment. Ridicule. Loneliness. Failure. Abandonment. Maybe even death. Or a low quality of life. Or an empty Saturday night.

I decided to do The Work, right along with the client (I usually do) as she looked into her situation, with all her past proof of slights from this entire group of people. Those People. (In my case, very wealthy men).

Is it true they don’t value me, in that situation?

Yes.

No one is sitting near me. No one is talking to me. The only man who DID talk with me for awhile told me I would need an attitude adjustment about money and wealth.

How could he tell this, when he doesn’t know me very well? I must dress or present myself in a way that says “She’s got a lower income.” It must be me.

Seriously? Is this absolutely true? Are you 100% sure? Do you know beyond doubt they don’t value you?

No. I have no idea what’s going on, honestly. Besides a lot of images and assumptions in my own mind.

How do you react when you believe they don’t value you?

Oh wow. I feel ashamed. I’m positive I don’t belong. I almost feel….apologetic! Like I should have known I don’t belong and it’s my fault I’m on this couch, in this house. Something weird happened and I wound up here, by accident.

How do I treat money, and men who look like they have it?

A big barrier descends between me, and them. Those guys know about x, y and z (the things money can buy) and those guys dress like a, b, and c and those guys are in the club and most other people aren’t (I’m not). I make big grand generalizations about these men and I treat them like strange animals. Or even enemies.

Who would you be without your thoughts that they don’t see your worth, your value, your importance?

I’d see people all milling about being….humans. I’d suddenly be back inside this body, apparently inhabited by “me” (whatever that is, which is quite mysterious) looking out at the world rather in awe, curious, wondering about it. I’d be connected to them, not putting them in an inhuman category, all lumped together into Those Guys.

How would I treat money, and myself, and that moment in time….without the belief I have no value there for other people in the room?

Watching how I joined the bandwagon and de-valued myself, and de-valued them, and grew uncomfortable and separated in an instant, with only a thought between me and happiness.

I might speak to the very kind man who shared with me his observations that I could have some trouble with money and wealth….

….and notice he was absolutely 1000% percent right. I did.

Turning the thought around: They DO value me. I have something they highly value.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Of course. They said “yes” to my asking if I could join them. They smile. They respond if I speak to them. They look like strong, passionate, happy people. They’re showing up and participating here, joining in. Sharing the air. They aren’t kicking anyone out, including me.

Turning it around again: I don’t value them. I don’t value myself.

Wow. Harsh.

Both are true. I don’t value the way I love going to Goodwill to find clothing. I don’t value myself when I have zero money, or when I almost foreclosed on my house, or how incredibly passionate I am about learning now about money. I don’t value how much I love trading money for services and experiences and learning. I don’t value having NO money–also very exciting and meaningful. In fact, having no money was one of the greatest teachers of all time for me.

I didn’t remember the turnaround, right in the moment I heard “a million dollars” that my worth and value is unconditional, and so is everyone else’s. Money and things come and go constantly. The body comes and goes, too. But this pulsing life force is right here, present, humming.

Ecstatic. Alive, Here.

I don’t value them for who they are on the inside, I judge them based on their appearance, their behavior with me, how they move, how their faces look, what they talk about, and how much money I believe they have.

Hmmm.

I think I owe Those Ultra Wealthy Men a big apology, inside my mind, for considering them to have no value, for judging them, for assuming who they are.

Of course, the images in my mind don’t even exist. They were figments of my imagination. Flashes of experience I used to “prove” I was a victim of someone else who thought I didn’t have value, when I was the one lowering my own value.

Crazy how the mind can do that.

“If I think you are my problem, I am insane.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

June 15, 2016

Eating Peace: You don’t have to get it all figured out to find peace….Do This.

People ask me from time to time….how will I ever figure all my thinking out, find all the awareness I need.

Like, will I need to write things in a journal forever? Will my thoughts never end? What if I’m sick of analyzing myself?

Here’s something short and sweet to do when it comes to compulsion.

It’s he one thing you really need, to discover peace.

Much love, Grace

June 15, 2016

She might hurt me….

journal — Step One in moving towards peace: Find the situation, and write very honestly about what happened, your beliefs, unedited.

In Year of Inquiry we’re ramping it up this month as we ponder what the worst thing is, what’s threatening, when situations occur we don’t like.

Someone had a great situation yesterday in telegroup.

A person being mean, nasty, disloyal, gossipy, critical.

I could see someone in my mind who I’ve worried about being critical. Could they snap at any moment and call the newspapers and start talking about me and what a bad, imperfect person I am?

What if someone’s scheming to take me down? Even if I can’t find anything wrong I’ve done?

It’s a strange, nervous, anxiety-producing feeling that someone could hurt me for no reason, at any moment. It happens in the movies. It happens in Shakespeare plays.

Betrayal. Shock. Mistaken identity. Stabbed in the back.

If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where someone DID surprise you, even way back in childhood, you might have some lingering waves of uncertainty about humans and what they’re capable of. Maybe a sense of needing to be very careful, walk on eggshells, and make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

The thing is, it’s really difficult being so careful.

You lose your spontaneity, your sense of joy and relaxation. Maybe you react by staying home, hiding in a sense your true feelings, not expressing what you really think, or feel. Maybe you cut that person off and never talk to them.

The best way I know how to work with this sense of impending doom, or someone reacting to you in a disturbing way, is to go to where it already happened in the past.

Even if you observed it, and you yourself weren’t the target of someone’s anger, upset, hatred or fear.

As the group moved through inquiry on the phone together, I distinctly pictured one person who I could imagine feeling angst, disappointment, anger or sadness with me.

But why? What was my evidence? What is my memory, my situation, where I got wind of the possibility of her not being loyal or supportive or caring for me?

It wasn’t so obvious, because there wasn’t a clear “betrayal” moment. Yet, as I stayed in contemplation about this person from my history, scanning the moments of “proof” for why I might feel cautious of her….

….I could see a fleeting sentence written in email come to mind. A sentence she wrote to me after I told her something she didn’t like hearing–that I didn’t want to talk with her and hash out or process further what had gone on between us. I felt like it was said, and said again, and silence for awhile was the next best step. We could revisit it later, regroup after some time went by.

She said something, in reply to my request for letting things rest awhile, like “sometimes actions you take produce karma you may not like”.

I suddenly realized, in that tiny memory of a sentence written, that I worried it was a threat. I better watch out. I better be nicer. I better say “yes” and not “no”. I’m doing it wrong. She’s disappointed with me. Uh oh.

In that awareness, I see I’ve got my moment, my situation.

Good. I can write down my thoughts, starting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I can stay very close and connected to my experience of reading words. It’s OK if I don’t even remember exactly what the words said. My thoughts and beliefs are alive and present. My feelings are stressed.

I know what to do with them. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

June 13, 2016

When it burns….

grief — When your heart breaks….cry. When words return, The Work.

Yesterday, I did not hear the news until late evening that a terrible massacre had occurred.

I stood at my kitchen counter for a moment, watching a very short news brief on my laptop to understand what my daughter just told me. My heart swelled and broke and tears came.

Our in-person monthly deep dive group had already met for three hours in the afternoon for our final meeting before summer break (we begin again Oct. 23rd in Seattle for 9 months).

I had been moved and touched by peoples’ work during our group. Many of them had written on their bodies. They were feeling ugly, angry with their appearance, disgusted, frightened, aging, incapable of change.

And then, later, this terrible news.

I let it sink into me, and throughout the evening, let The Work do itself within before I began to write.

This tragedy is horrifying, disgusting, violent, wrong, confusing, frightening. Some of the very same words I wrote about it were the very same words I had heard earlier about the body.

Question Four of The Work is: Who would you be without your thought? Who would you be without the thought that what you see is incapable of change, or permanently disgusting, or love is not possible in the presence of it? Who would you be without thinking your body is horrible looking, ugly, something to look away from?

What about other ugly things? Like human violence?

People in the group yesterday noticed how difficult it was to feel, or imagine in any way whatsoever who they’d be….

….without the belief their body was imperfect, wrong, preventing them from getting something they wanted, a barrier to happiness, fat, or ugly.

Sometimes….it is not easy to find who we would be without the feeling of hatred, rage, misery, disgust, or fear about something we see in reality.

It feels like denial.

As someone in the group yesterday said, with deep grief and pain (about her body)….

….”But. This problem is REAL.”

No one has to drop any thoughts. No one has to make themselves NOT think something they ARE actually thinking is absolutely true.

But here’s what I notice about reality.

It is unconditional. As in….there are no conditions. It is what it is.

It does not really care what we think. Reality moves as it moves, it unfolds the way it unfolds. It doesn’t really wait to see if we’re OK with it or not.

I notice Reality doesn’t ask me for my vote.

I can feel enraged, bitter, despairing and hateful about what goes on in Reality, in my life, in this body, with my appearance….

….or I can question my thoughts about it compassionately.

I can fight what is, or the other choice I’ve often made (thinking it gave me some power) is I can refuse to respond, in stubborn defiance.

I can use what I see as proof that Planet Earth is screwed up, or this body is screwed up, or that my mind is screwed up….

….but whatever I’m looking at, when I see there’s something at fault, it feels like…

…War.

Who would I be, or WHAT would I be, without the fearful, war-like thinking? What would it FEEL like, without believing everything I think?

Can I look at the thing I supposedly always hate, through the eyes of the Beloved? Can I look through Reality’s eyes that are unconditional, mysterious, and pulsing with life?

Turning the thought around: What I see is not pure ugliness, hopeless, gross, to-be-avoided, unworthy, disgusting, wrong, a mistake, incapable of changing, hideous, impossible.

This is not ever saying anything I see I must accept without question, or think of as good, or think of as friendly, or feel joyful towards it, if I don’t.

“The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” ~ Helen Keller

With my body, if I don’t like living in it, I can move closer to it, become very intimate with it, taste, smell, be with how it moves, what it feels like to eat, notice it, care for it, get to know it instead of ignoring it. I can imagine dropping all my rules and hatred about it and start over, with fresh eyes, from scratch.

I can do this with death, too. I can do this with tragedy, and fear, depression and suffering. I can become intimate with Reality instead of trying to defy it or fight it, hate it or ignore it.

Starting here. With this body. With other people. With events I encounter. With death.

I can question the story of what I think is impossible, even as it hurts.

“What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl

Much love, Grace

P.S. there may be room to squeeze you in at Breitenbush in Oregon. Call 503-854-3320 to ask to attend the June 22-26 Retreat: Declare Peace, The Work of Byron Katie.

June 10, 2016

Acting crazy with compulsion? There’s one other alternative….only one

Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try but Inquiry. — Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try…except Inquiry.

Today I can’t wait to be at East West Bookstore in Seattle doing a little mini 3 hour workshop on eating, body image and our relationship to food…..and how to enter peace instead of war.

Doing The Work is of course my favorite tool and method of inquiry for working with stressful beliefs, and naturally inquiry is what we’ll be doing in the workshop.

HOWEVER.

When it comes to addiction, fear, compulsive behavior of any kind….

….when we’re doing things we hate ourselves for later, feeling needy, feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling like we want to escape or attack (the perfect pain points for addictive or compulsive behavior)….

….then it’s often hard to find WHAT it is you’re troubled by?

What would make me troubled enough to overeat when I don’t really want to, or smoke, or drink, or start house-cleaning, or surf the internet, or try to find someone to hook up with?

The thing is, moving into your compulsive favorite thing to do, if you have one (most people do, some are more destructive than others) is a REACTION to a belief you’re thinking.

You’ve already bought the belief.

You already assume it’s true, and it’s frightening, aggravating, infuriating, and it feels hopeless.

So you do the behavior instead (in my case, I ate, and sometimes drank or smoked cigarettes or over-exercised).

It kind of works for a little bit, when you’re hunting down the substance and caught in the energy of your compulsive pattern.

When I went into the addictive behavior, I would not be aware any more of what was bothering me, and instead, I’d be thinking about eating, the food I would buy, the taste, smell and feeling of it as I devoured it. The anticipation was all-consuming and overwhelming. It was mesmerizing. Obsessive. Nothing else existed hardly, except getting my fix.

With such a wild energy taking over, the energy we’re calling “addictive”, it is actually a bit tricky and difficult to put on the brakes and see what’s hidden.

Why?

Because what’s hidden is SO PAINFUL.

I’d rather not take a look at it. Do I have to? Can’t I just eat instead? Or get stoned? Or run 10 miles and beat my body into a pulp of exhaustion? Or have sex in a bathroom with a stranger?

You can. I did.

But it wasn’t ultimately satisfying. It was shameful, embarrassing, I felt horrible later, and it kept me on the cycle I refer to as CRIME – GUILT – PUNISHMENT.

You committed a crime, you’re guilty, you must be punished. You feel horrible and gross, you vow never to do it again, and then….

….the background underground haunted old pain starts to wake up, since you’re not busy hating yourself as much, and it starts to get louder.

Sooner or later, when it gets too loud to tolerate, you need to do the thing again, the thing that helps you forget about it.

Let me tell you, I am so happy not to be in that severe cycle anymore I kiss the ground with gratitude.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do it in smaller, much more subtle doses. For example, I’ve noticed a tendency to compulsively try to be pleasing to people so they’ll relax, calm down, like me, or become safer for me. This compulsion to be in communication with others in a pleasing way shows up sometimes by me withholding what I really want, or not saying what’s really true. (We’ll talk about that another day).

Here’s what’s important for stopping a cycle of compulsive thinking, and then compulsive acting, that zips you away from seeing what you ultimately really WANT to see, even if it’s painful.

First, decide you want to see what’s going on, what’s hidden. Part of you already DOES want to see it….encourage that part.

Then, notice these two options.

Old Way, Defensive Way, Conditioned Way (called “Believing Your Thoughts”):

You feel something uncomfortable. It’s stressful.
You feel scared you did something wrong, or you’re being rejected or you’re a bad person.
You quick move to the other person or people involved.They’re doing it wrong….not just you. They might be the primary ones to blame.
Run away from those people, they’re bad, OR, Fight those people, they’re bad.
Deal with your anxiety, or the sense you’ve had a close call with something frightening by _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite compulsion: eat, drink, sex, smoke, read, internet, spend)
Forget about it all for awhile. Relief. Oblivion.

New Way, Loving Way, Freedom Way (called “Questioning Your Thoughts”):

You feel something. It’s stressful.
You feel scared you’re doing something wrong, or you’re being rejected, or you’re a bad person—or that someone else is.
Pause. Write down your thoughts. What’s disturbing you?
Do The Work and answer the four questions, innquiring about yourself with curiosity and self-care, and compassion.
Notice that you’re OK without doing anything. See if you can BE. Use your speedy fast mind and your imagination to wonder what it would be like without your story? What if you’re not seeing the whole picture, or the true picture?
Clearly see options for yourself you didn’t see before. Notice how dealing with your internal world is what you always wanted, not to run away from it. Notice how brilliant you’ve been so far with your compulsions, and now, you’re becoming aware of a more expansive view. You are safe.

When you’re finished moving through the steps in the old way, the old pattern, it’s just a matter of time until you DO your compulsive behavior again.

When you’re finished moving through the steps in the new, alternative way, you often take action. You go back to the person you’re most afraid of, and ask them any questions perhaps. You say “no” or you say “yes” with much greater clarity. You no longer feel confusion. You ask for what you need more directly. You get help.

Which way seems like the better one, the more interesting way, the more fun way?

I really had no other option if I wanted to stay alive, than to take the second road, even though part of me wanted to Not Look and thought it was easier following the first road.

It wasn’t.

It was hell.

Who would you be with inquiry, instead of believing your stressful stories?

Caring far more about my thinking, than what I’m eating or not eating, doing or not doing.

“You’re either believing your thoughts, or you’re questioning them.There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

June 9, 2016

How do you even get to those hidden beliefs that fuel compulsion….if they’re HIDDEN?

What would you have, if you had a perfect, thin, strong, young, supple, attractive, athletic body?

What would you have, if your eating woes were gone….or it no longer mattered what you ate?

It’s not a new idea that underlying beliefs, or hidden negative stories, fuel overeating or other compulsions….

….but how do you find out what you’re hiding inside, if it’s HIDDEN?

Here are some ideas, especially one key exercise, you can do to discover unexpected “hidden” reasons you’re doing what you’re doing with food and eating.

Much love,

Grace

June 8, 2016

I had a massive hissy fit…and after The Work…I had a Living Turnaround

DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be.....sweeter than sugar — DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be…..sweeter than sugar

Oh rats.

The other day I screwed up big time.

If there was a camera in the room, or you were a fly on the wall, I’d be soooooo embarrassed.

I got angry with my 19 year old daughter.

I was on skype on my computer, working with a client. She entered the room, gesturing wildly, looming over me and obviously very frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to ask. She grabbed a piece of paper and wrote things aggressively on it. She tapped the paper hard.

I squeezed my eyes shut, looked down at my computer keyboard, and kept going with my client.

She was still there five minutes later.

Still there.

I glanced up, her teeth clenched, eyes burning a hole into my head.

She was NOT getting the message that I should be left ALONE.

Thank goodness the client I was working with was audio only, not video. It was like a thing inside me went ballistic and exploded and I screamed at her. OK, it wasn’t really a scream, but it was like a vicious hiss without sound. I was mouthing the words.

GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!

Now I was gesturing wildly pointing my finger at the door. Flailing around like a nut case.

OUT! OUT! GET! OUT!

Inside it felt like World War III.

She left, and slammed the front door.

Later, as I walked through The Work with my reaction, focusing on that powerful moment, when I got to the turnarounds, I knew this was one of those pieces of work where action needs to happen.

The Living Turnaround.

I’m preparing curriculum on this very topic for the upcoming Breitenbush retreat, only two weeks away.

(By the way, there are four spots left at Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat June 22-26. This is the last year with the deeply experienced and supportive assistance of Susan Beekman, also Certified Facilitator, who has come with me every single year since we started offering this workshop together in 2011. I’ll probably be doing it in 2017, but she’s retiring).

Finding your own personal Living Turnarounds is very powerful, and sometimes tricky. It doesn’t come so easy.

Because it’s nice to do The Work and everything, and imagine dropping thoughts, changing uncomfortable ideas to exciting ideas, switching things into the positive from what was before feeling negative, watching stress release itself from your mind and heart.

But if it stays up in the head as an intellectual or purely cognitive exercise, without sinking down into the body and into our every move…

…then, well…it’s not really transformative.

Not that we can exactly control transformation (haha) because if we could, we’d all be completely and entirely transformed by now. All foibles and imperfections shaved off and smoothed down. Goals reached, accomplishments made, projects achieved, relationships resolved.

No tantrums and waving arms about in fury.

Sigh. Chuckle.

So how DO we live our turnarounds, or discover more specifically our “living turnarounds”?

Well lets just say as a wild example, you do The Work on the stressful belief “she should NOT f$%&ing interrupt me!!!”

Your turnarounds are the following (without the cussing):

she should interrupt me
I shouldn’t interrupt myself
I shouldn’t interrupt her

Even though you may have a new perspective on the idea that she shouldn’t interrupt you, and you allow reality to be as it is, it doesn’t mean you constantly have your fingers crossed that you hope she interrupts you even MORE than ever, and your living turnaround is to keep the interruption going.

LOL!

That would be weird.

But you might find it very appealing to live the turnarounds “I shouldn’t interrupt myself” and “I shouldn’t interrupt her”.

You might sit and contemplate these, and find three ways you could act or be or feel like someone who supports these beliefs, who holds them as sacred, who is committed to these turnarounds as the greater truth.

You don’t like yourself when you interrupt. You want to understand your own internal incessant interruptions (anger, rage, fear, distraction) so you begin to see what it might look like to be someone who honors these turnarounds of NOT interrupting, and actually live them.

At least, this was the case for me.

If I lived the turnaround “I shouldn’t interrupt her” I asked myself what comes to mind?

I suddenly realized she didn’t know how on alert I felt, and a little nervous, because this was a brand new client I was working with, who wasn’t super familiar with The Work, who just got diagnosed with cancer.

I was thinking about my own cancer diagnosis. I was also aware this was a private call, and she didn’t know I had a client in the first place, and I felt embarrassed about having my kid walk into the room.

The Living Turnaround became very clear. Crystal clear.

I shouldn’t interrupt my love for my daughter, I shouldn’t interrupt my love for myself. I shouldn’t get so freaked out with trying to help the client, or feel overly-responsible to the client so that I can’t handle one small interruption. I shouldn’t interrupt myself with my attempt to be the perfect facilitator, who doesn’t have interruptions.

Trust the universe. Including an interrupting daughter.

I shouldn’t interrupt Reality, and try to make it go MY way.

I knew how to live the turnaround. I owed her an explanation, an apology, and to let her know when I have a client scheduled, if I know she’s coming home.

I hardly had to wait to find a good time to live the turnaround. It was already happening within, on the inside of myself. I no longer felt any of that rage and anger. I saw there was other work to do about clients with cancer….and my empathetic thoughts about them (this is for another Grace Note).

The next morning at 6:45 am, daughter called from her dad’s house to ask me something. After we got the basic logistical thing handled she was asking, I said “you know yesterday, when I was so incredibly furious with you? Well, I’m so sorry. Here’s what was going on for me in that moment…..”

I was super honest, vulnerable and very sincere. I left nothing out. I spoke of my nervousness before she ever came in.

At the end, I said “I love you so much”.

She said “I love you too, mom”.

And you know what? She didn’t interrupt me once.

“You can find the truth only when you go inside. Going outside for a solution, trying to convince her to see it your way, is war. Fear is blind and deaf.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

June 6, 2016

Needy. Controlling. Oh my.

In only a few hours: Meetup Online. Information right here on how to join for $10 (and everyone welcome even if you can’t pay). We begin 7:45 am and end by 9:00 am Pacific Time. Come do The Work with me!

**********

judgmentalwoman — Is there someone in your life who’s judging you for doing it wrong? Or demanding your time? They are so controlling! So needy! Can you be absolutely sure THEY need to change, for you to be happy?

I shared in one of my telecourses currently underway that two of my favorite (well, OK, the opposite really of “favorite”) judgments of other people are one, or the other, or both of the following:

1) Needy

2) Controlling

In our class, we’re going back and looking at qualities we really hate in other people….

….and we’re identifying very early, or perhaps “original” situations where these judgments came into being.

Have you ever thought of someone as needy?

How about controlling?

Anyone come to mind?

Just to raise the level of reaction, the feeling within, I decided to make sure both qualities were combined together in one person, and to look and see all the people who had both (In My Opinion of course).

Well…..there’s that friend I met five years ago at a women’s retreat who was an awful beoch, gossiping about me to others and trying to hurt me, it seemed, for reasons unknown.

(I know, I know, poor me–the victim speak comes out clearly with my words, but instead of criticizing myself for being a victim, I know what to do to really understand this: The Work. Which is where we’re going with this first step of being totally unedited and babyish and emotional).

Then there was that other friend who I’ve known for ten years, who come to think of it, was super opinionated like the first friend I mentioned. She was hostile to me that one time about being a messy person and not cleaning. So controlling.

And what about my other friend, a man this time, who wanted as much time as possible with me and NEVER got enough. Always sending messages “when can we talk? long-time no see”! So needy, give it a rest!

All of them needy for attention AND needing to assert themselves and their controlling opinions into MY life. JEEZ!

Oh. Heh heh. You noticed there were three people like this, none of whom even knew each other?

Funny.

I am the one common denominator.

(I once had a remarkable lunch with Dr. Hew Len. He said to me as we talked about my difficulty getting angry with my very young daughter….”You might notice, with every problem you have, who is there? You are.”)

Gulp.

But here’s something very important.

This isn’t about beating yourself to a pulp mentally, because of realizing it must be YOU.

These self-judgments never bring great insight, love and awareness. Have you noticed?

Self-judgment is a more conditioned, youngish, kind of adolescent way of dealing with a situation: Hate yourself.

Let’s not go there, and inquire instead. We’ll follow the simple directions and trust the doorway to awareness, using The Work, using the experience of suffering.

So, looking at these judgments, I see I apparently have trouble when I perceive someone being needy and controlling.

I judge “they ARE needy, they ARE controlling”.

RUN!!!!

I notice I get scared myself. I think I need to protect myself. I feel hurt, or anxious. I don’t feel relaxed. I’m all wound up.

My reaction kicks in like a tornado.

What’s so terrible about needy and controlling people?

Hmmmm. They’ll force me to do things I don’t want to do, in order to be liked by them. They’ll push me until I say no, and then they’ll be hurt, and disappointed.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if they’re hurt and disappointed?

I know this is kind of dramatic….but what comes to mind is they’ll feel so horrible, because I didn’t respond to their neediness, that they’ll feel suicidal. The worst thing I’ve ever heard of happening when someone is incredibly needy and controlling, is they kill themselves when they don’t feel loved.

But is it even true that this person, in MY situation, is needy and controlling? Are they trying to grab something from me, and using control to get it?

Eeek! Yes!

She wants more time, more advice, more comfort from me than I can provide. She’s demanding. She’s got a desperate thing going on under the surface she’s trying to cover up. If she was authentic, she’d want to move in with me, or talk every day, or go on trips together. She’s disappointed with me, with my capacity for sharing myself and my time.

I’m trapped here. I can’t speak up. If I do it will mean the end of the friendship perhaps. We can’t work through this.

Stop. Pause.

Does her behavior, that looks needy and controlling, really mean I’m in danger, or that she’s mad at me personally? Seriously?

Are you sure she’s needy and controlling, in that situation, and it means something bad for ME?

No.

Wow.

I’ve got a whole world of beliefs about what I should do if someone says they are disappointed in me, or says they’re sad that I don’t have enough time for them. Part of me is immediately disappointed that I disappointed someone.

How do I react when I believe it’s dangerous to disappoint someone?

I consider them wrong. I stamp them on the forehead with the labels “NEEDY” and “CONTROLLING”.

So who would I actually be in the very moment someone is making a request of me, when they’re simply speaking up for what they want in the moment….

….if I didn’t believe I must NOT disappoint them?

Who would I be without the belief I should never, ever disappoint someone, and therefore….find only people who are NOT needy and NOT controlling to hang out with?

Wow, crazy. Almost hard to imagine standing in the presence of someone who is crying, or writing, or speaking, and they’re saying they need more from me, or they’re disappointed….and not feeling nervous.

But I stay steady in this meditation. Who would I be without the thought it means they’re needy, or controlling.

I stare at them, in my mind, in the memory, imagining what it would be like to be the cat in the room with them.

The cat doesn’t care that this person is disappointed. The cat goes about it’s business. The cat walks through the room, being a cat.

What if I was an alien from another planet, who didn’t know when someone’s crying, or writing me a letter saying “I’m disappointed in this friendship” or someone’s yelling for me to pay attention to them, or someone’s calling me a whole bunch….

….that it’s dangerous, or it means something bad for me?

I’d be looking at a human, feeling big feelings, asking for what they want and believe they need.

They are afraid. They believe they’re lonely. They’ve got opinions, like I do. They believe they know what I’m capable of giving, and maybe it’s not true, but maybe it is. They’re being human. They’re believing their thoughts.

Let’s turn these thoughts around.

She (or he) is NOT needy, she is self-less. She is accepting, not controlling.

What are examples of this?

I begin to see each of the three people I mention blossom before me. No one is knocking on my door right now. I haven’t seen any of these people, who I’ve thought of as needy or controlling, for a long time. They stopped calling. One person freaked me out by sending me a text awhile ago that she was in the neighborhood and would be waiting for me for 3 hours nearby and it creeped me out, but I have no idea if it was true and nothing happened.

I turn the thoughts around again: I am the needy one. I am controlling. Especially when it comes to these people.

Wow, I can find how it’s true.

I need them to act in ways I find comfortable (not the way they’re acting). I need them to be loose and gentle, and not demanding. I need them to never, ever control me or even try. Not one smidgeon of a hint of trying to control my response to them. Or else I’m outta here.

Dang.

I’m controlling and needy with myself, too. I’ve been super demanding. I’ve asked myself to be so concerned with what other people think, I forget about what I myself think. I’ve thought of myself as missing something. I’ve crushed my own spirit with my self-condemning thoughts.

Maybe a little love is in order here. For myself, for them.

“The worst that can happen is that they are just like you! It’s their job to think what you’re already thinking, until you question it. When you question what you think, the truth will make you laugh.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

June 5, 2016

Are you repeating your story?

mylifestoriesfile — When did that stressful quality, or idea, first ever occur to you? Do The Work on that situation. The end of continuously being against the same thing, over and over again. The end….of suffering.

Her eyes were moving about the room quickly as she spoke, looking at me, then away, talking fast. We were sitting in my little cottage where she had come for a mini-retreat session to do The Work.

We had three hours together, set up so we could dive in more deeply and uncover a significant stressful experience she had been noticing in her life.

In the middle of telling a story about a neighbor who lived in her condominium complex who irritated the heck out of her, she commented on the calendar on my wall, then mentioned a co-worker who was incredibly annoying in the same way as the neighbor, then said how much she liked the old school desk I have by the entrance to the cottage and asked “do you live here”?

(I nodded yes).

She then said she realized something important about this whole idea of questioning the stories playing in our heads: They’re almost exactly the same.

Her comment struck me as very wise.

On that note, I asked her who her neighbor, and her co-worker, reminded her of? When was it she first found this quality in a human being annoying? When did it first occur to her that someone shouldn’t act they way these two women acted in her life?

Her mom.

I’ve had the same insights before….but the other day, after talking with this fairly new client, I thought I’d take my own inquiry deeper with someone who I know who I found just ever so slightly annoying, not a big major deal.

But it was a quality I had noticed in other people prior to him.

So I thought “this person sure isn’t very significant in my life, we don’t cross paths much, so who else is he reminding me of?”

Oh. Weird. Right.

Dad.

The thing is, I don’t always see the difficult and disturbing qualities I learned about in the presence of my father, because I loved my dad so much, and he’s been gone a long time (almost 25 years).

It’s felt like betrayal, or “rude” to criticize my dad, or to find fault in his actions, words or behaviors. Part of me wanted only the good dad images and memories. I didn’t want to see the parts I found troublesome, or sad, or imperfect.

Plus, the uncomfortable memories of my dad were kind of murky. Not as crystal clear as this acquaintance I found myself criticizing, who just bugged me last week.

Which is what is so great about day to day living.

Anything unfinished, unresolved, any upsetting stories about people in the world you find painful in the past….

….can reappear in your current life.

If you do The Work regularly, you may have already noticed you’ve got the very same kinds of qualities written down that you dislike, over and over again, in other people.

My personal favorites are “neediness” and “controlling”.

I love the question Byron Katie asks from time to time….”when did this thought FIRST occur to you?”

Suddenly I was flashing on a vivid memory of my dad, holding the yellow kitchen phone to his ear with the long yellow cord. He’s saying “Yes, OK…Sure, OK, Yes, Sure, Yes.”

When he hangs up with some force a moment later, he says “Goddamnit! Can’t they find anyone else to volunteer? I’ve been giving so much time, but they’re still bothering me for more!”

I take in this picture of my dad. Upset. Person on the other end of the line making him upset. Don’t say no to people, though….you should say yes (like my dad). Some important reason why NOT saying no is vital.

Now I’ve got a situation to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on. I can find my beliefs about my dad, and also the person on the other end of the phone line he was speaking to. I can discover what I began to believe right in that moment, what I set up as true.

Awesome…..let’s get to work, undoing the suffering, thinking I knew what was going on when my dad was upset, and how people “should” act, and what “shouldn’t” be happening.

Maybe I didn’t know. Maybe nothing’s set in stone.

(And as Byron Katie says….”drop the maybe”).

Much love,

Grace

June 2, 2016

Eating Peace: Helpless, Helpless….the fuel for compulsion and how to stop it

One of the most difficult, painful places in life is to feel completely helpless about something….and deeply upset.

When you feel like there’s NOTHING you can do about your feelings, or to relax, or to feel safe….and you can’t even question your thinking….

….then often the place humans go is a desperate attempt for comfort.

In my case, eating.

Today I’m sharing some of my crazed story of helplessness, and what I couldn’t see because of it.

You might be missing a way out, another option you don’t see as possible.

You might be frightened to try another way, but believe me….it’s worth it.