Acting crazy with compulsion? There’s one other alternative….only one

Today I can’t wait to be at East West Bookstore in Seattle doing a little mini 3 hour workshop on eating, body image and our relationship to food…..and how to enter peace instead of war.

Doing The Work is of course my favorite tool and method of inquiry for working with stressful beliefs, and naturally inquiry is what we’ll be doing in the workshop.

HOWEVER.

When it comes to addiction, fear, compulsive behavior of any kind….

….when we’re doing things we hate ourselves for later, feeling needy, feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling like we want to escape or attack (the perfect pain points for addictive or compulsive behavior)….

….then it’s often hard to find WHAT it is you’re troubled by?

What would make me troubled enough to overeat when I don’t really want to, or smoke, or drink, or start house-cleaning, or surf the internet, or try to find someone to hook up with?

The thing is, moving into your compulsive favorite thing to do, if you have one (most people do, some are more destructive than others) is a REACTION to a belief you’re thinking.

You’ve already bought the belief.

You already assume it’s true, and it’s frightening, aggravating, infuriating, and it feels hopeless.

So you do the behavior instead (in my case, I ate, and sometimes drank or smoked cigarettes or over-exercised).

It kind of works for a little bit, when you’re hunting down the substance and caught in the energy of your compulsive pattern.

When I went into the addictive behavior, I would not be aware any more of what was bothering me, and instead, I’d be thinking about eating, the food I would buy, the taste, smell and feeling of it as I devoured it. The anticipation was all-consuming and overwhelming. It was mesmerizing. Obsessive. Nothing else existed hardly, except getting my fix.

With such a wild energy taking over, the energy we’re calling “addictive”, it is actually a bit tricky and difficult to put on the brakes and see what’s hidden.

Why?

Because what’s hidden is SO PAINFUL.

I’d rather not take a look at it. Do I have to? Can’t I just eat instead? Or get stoned? Or run 10 miles and beat my body into a pulp of exhaustion? Or have sex in a bathroom with a stranger?

You can. I did.

But it wasn’t ultimately satisfying. It was shameful, embarrassing, I felt horrible later, and it kept me on the cycle I refer to as CRIME – GUILT – PUNISHMENT.

You committed a crime, you’re guilty, you must be punished. You feel horrible and gross, you vow never to do it again, and then….

….the background underground haunted old pain starts to wake up, since you’re not busy hating yourself as much, and it starts to get louder.

Sooner or later, when it gets too loud to tolerate, you need to do the thing again, the thing that helps you forget about it.

Let me tell you, I am so happy not to be in that severe cycle anymore I kiss the ground with gratitude.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do it in smaller, much more subtle doses. For example, I’ve noticed a tendency to compulsively try to be pleasing to people so they’ll relax, calm down, like me, or become safer for me. This compulsion to be in communication with others in a pleasing way shows up sometimes by me withholding what I really want, or not saying what’s really true. (We’ll talk about that another day).

Here’s what’s important for stopping a cycle of compulsive thinking, and then compulsive acting, that zips you away from seeing what you ultimately really WANT to see, even if it’s painful.

First, decide you want to see what’s going on, what’s hidden. Part of you already DOES want to see it….encourage that part.

Then, notice these two options.

Old Way, Defensive Way, Conditioned Way (called “Believing Your Thoughts”):

1. You feel something uncomfortable. It’s stressful.
2. You feel scared you did something wrong, or you’re being rejected or you’re a bad person.
3. You quick move to the other person or people involved.They’re doing it wrong….not just you. They might be the primary ones to blame.
4. Run away from those people, they’re bad, OR, Fight those people, they’re bad.
5. Deal with your anxiety, or the sense you’ve had a close call with something frightening by _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite compulsion: eat, drink, sex, smoke, read, internet, spend)
6. Forget about it all for awhile. Relief. Oblivion.

New Way, Loving Way, Freedom Way (called “Questioning Your Thoughts”):

1. You feel something. It’s stressful.
2. You feel scared you’re doing something wrong, or you’re being rejected, or you’re a bad person—or that someone else is.
3. Pause. Write down your thoughts. What’s disturbing you?
4. Do The Work and answer the four questions, innquiring about yourself with curiosity and self-care, and compassion.
5. Notice that you’re OK without doing anything. See if you can BE. Use your speedy fast mind and your imagination to wonder what it would be like without your story? What if you’re not seeing the whole picture, or the true picture?
6. Clearly see options for yourself you didn’t see before. Notice how dealing with your internal world is what you always wanted, not to run away from it. Notice how brilliant you’ve been so far with your compulsions, and now, you’re becoming aware of a more expansive view. You are safe.

Much love, Grace