One of the greatest contributors to off-balance food, eating and hating your body is fear.
Not only does everyone feel fear at some points in life, but we also feel afraid of fear!
At least that was the case for me. I felt afraid, and I also felt afraid of feeling afraid.
Good heavens, that’s a hard orientation to have towards fear. I had to run, hide and duck constantly!!
The way I did that of course, was to eat. Secretly, quickly, sneakily. I didn’t eat out in the open (if I did, I was very, very careful).
But my fear itself caused a huge resistance to looking at fears, whether I felt terrified or even only a little nervous.
I wanted to either put my head in the ground like an ostrich and try not to think fearful thoughts OR I wanted to run, eat frantically, and isolate.
I really did not feel anyone would ever understand me or care about me if they really knew me and my fears.
When I felt listened to, accepted and loved anyway, that’s when I began to feel more free with food and eating and my body image. I no longer felt worried about being rejected and cut off, or that love would be withheld from me.
What do you feel afraid of?
I’m reading and listening here.
I’ve created an anonymous survey where you can feel comfortable answering questions around fears and dreams, and inner conflicts. It means so much for me to read what you share.
Your answers contribute to all of us accessing the peace we all crave so deeply, especially around compulsive eating behavior that seems so persistent and crazy and disappointing.
To answer the questions, click HERE. Very grateful for your honesty and sharing.
You Binged. Overate. Stuffed yourself slowly at a big party, with junk. Maybe you had seconds when one helping would have been plenty.
You find yourself in the place, maybe for the billionth time (you think), of having hurt yourself through eating, food, or compulsive behavior.
The usual results, the aftermath of a binge, is some form of violent thinking towards the self. The mind says ?You screwed up, you did it wrong. You’re a mess”.
You sinned, you’re guilty, you deserve to be punished.
Then, the feelings of despair, confusion, and being waaaaay too small for this overwhelming problem become even bigger.
You feel even worse.
Maybe you think “why even bother trying?”
The cycle of violence around either controlling yourself, attacking yourself, punishing yourself makes you feel so horrible.
There are two things, very simple, that you can do if you’ve found yourself coming to after a binge, even if you’ve done it many times before.
First, give yourself some kindness for how frightened, powerless, empty or nervous you’ve been. Find some gentleness in your heart for being you. Soften to who you are.
Your eating comes out of disrupted emotions, at least mine sure did. Or some kind of emotional experiences I didn’t like.
Second, wait 24 hours. Don’t make plans, build up your army against your cravings, or do anything. Just get quiet, relax and slow down. Don’t binge eat or go off the food that works for you for 24 hours. You’ll feel so much better tomorrow. Everything can be different by taking a deep breath and waiting a day.
The best fire alarm for stressed out feelings? The Work!
Urgent! Urgent!
(Listen, I hear the Foreigner song from 1981).
The feeling of needing to hurry, ASAP, is very stressful if you aren’t a rock band singing about it.
Running, pushing, moving fast.
The other day a lovely inquirer said she felt like it was an emergency to find peace. All caps I WANT TO DO THE WORK AND FIND PEACE NOW!
Everyone feels urgency sometimes. Quick, I gotta call that person. Quick, I gotta apologize. Quick, I gotta say the right thing. Quick, I gotta leave this place. Quick, I gotta get enlightenment. Quick, I gotta calm down. Quick, I gotta figure this out. Quick, I gotta get a job. Quick, I gotta get some money. Quick, I gotta get over there!
There’s a deep feeling when I’ve had this thought that I won’t survive! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
It has to happen YESTERDAY. Or else.
Or else what? What is it that will die? What’s the worst that could happen?
I once had a man I was dating who I didn’t know extremely well, who I was pretty sure wasn’t a good match. He could feel the distance through our phone conversations. I was anxious about his neediness.
The next day, he showed up in my city after taking an emergency-type last-minute flight. I couldn’t see him. One of my kids was sick at home and I felt like distancing from what felt….frantic.
I felt scared of the intensity of it all. And sorry for him and for myself. Yikes.
The thing you see that needs to happen…..it HAS TO. NOW!!!
I remember this feeling when my house might have foreclosed if I didn’t come up with a payment within a few days.
Must. Happen. Immediately.
Are you sure?
Oh. Wow. Um. It seemed like an emergency. But right at this exact moment in time I’m aware I’m breathing, there’s a ceiling and a floor, and warmth, and I’m actually OK.
So no, it’s not true.
But I’m sure it WILL be true! Soon! (Now, now, keep going).
How do you react when you believe something has to happen immediately, including finding peace or enlightenment?
I notice an intense feeling of crunching down within, a tightness, lots of adrenaline and speed rushing through the body. A shrieking voice inside that’s terrified.
I can’t sleep, I feel like I can’t think straight (it’s true, I’m thinking crookedly all bent up around fear).
I treat anyone else who’s frantic like they need to be avoided.
So who or what would I be without this stressful lie that the thing Must Happen Now?
Sometimes, I’ve had the thought if I let go of this belief, I’ll lie down on the floor in a puddle and no longer try. I’ll give up in despair. Even if the thought is extremely frightening that the thing I want to happen must happen right now….I can’t give it up! Otherwise it will never, ever happen ever.
Ahhh, that tricky mind encouraging you to stay in the thought and not wonder about what really, really would happen if you weren’t thinking something ELSE must happen ASAP than what IS happening.
Who would you be, for example, without the thought you must stop feeling anxious RIGHT NOW (hear finger snapping)!?!
For me, I’d notice the sensations called “anxiety”. I’d allow them to be in the room with me, in my body here. I’d let things be as they are, like watching a rain storm or thunder and lightening. The wind is blowing….let it blow (I notice I have no control over it anyway).
Without the belief something must happen, or stop, or change instantly….I notice something here relaxes.
And then relaxes a little more.
There’s a bit of space around the edges. The thing I’m nervous about isn’t as awful and big as before.
I definitely don’t feel like escaping, either. There’s no thought about eating, drinking, smoking, doing, internetting, TV watching, planning my escape, spending, making arrangements stressfully. I’m just here.
Ahhhhhhh.
Turning the thought around: Nothing needs to happen differently, or immediately, or on my preferred timing. What’s happening is just right.
Oh.
You mean I don’t need peace right now in this instance?!
What are the examples that I don’t?
Breathing. Typing. Going to the store. Lying still. Meditating. Picking up the phone. Sending an email. Going to the gym. Talking to my mom. Getting dressed. Everything happening, unfolding, nothing “dangerous” occurring. Even with nervous energy or uncomfortable feelings, all is well.
I hear rain pouring outside right now, and I’m not “against” it. I’m inside in a brightly lit cozy winter cottage. The sound is actually beautiful of the rain on the roof. Perhaps I could see this feeling of anxiety coursing through me like rain on the roof. Something natural, exciting, pattering. Something that comes bearing a gift.
Turning it around again: My thoughts are urgent. My thinking needs “x” right now (like peace). And only my thoughts. Nothing else is really an emergency at all. My THOUGHTS must happen immediately.
I like how Byron Katie says, if you looked in a basket of thoughts, you’d see air. Nothing. Thoughts are only…..thoughts. You don’t have to believe them.
How could it be a good thing this is unfolding in its own timing (not mine) and I am not the one in charge? How could it be a wonderful gift to not demand that anything be different than it is, in this moment?
Jeez. You’re getting carried away with this whole thing….now this is pretty extreme. A GOOD thing that it’s not happening, there are no guarantees, and life doesn’t appear to be concerned with urgency about this topic?
Wow.
I notice the lightness of not being the one who has to worry, force, push, control, make-happen, charge ahead.
In fact….what a surprise.
The inner anxiety appears to have passed on by now. Feelings did not require action, apparently.
Just like a wound healing, or the sun coming up on Reality’s timing, can I trust what’s going on here, without trying to control the outcome?
Ha ha! Yes.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it….it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie
The thing is, if you hate feeling any of these feelings, you may do anything….like I used to do….NOT to feel them.
Such as eat. When not hungry.
Or figure out whatever will alter your mood, change the channel, reboot.
We think of these compulsive activities as the quick, “easy” way. Using a behavior or substance to refocus the mind and get away from that other dreadful feeling.
But what if it’s actually the harder way, in the end?
Instead, I could sit with the feelings and not only express them, but find out what I was thinking that produced them in the first place, and look at it deeply, closely.
If this isn’t about destroying, crushing, suppressing, changing or fixing any feelings….
….but allowing them to be as they are….
….maybe we’d even feel appreciation for the full range of feelings in this life.
And not try to make any of them go away. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the heart-breaking, the heart-mending.
Who would you be without your stressful thoughts about your feelings?
For the many people who have emailed asking for the replay link for the Eating Peace Masterclass, here it is: Watch here.
(Yes, you submit your email and you’ll get all the information in your Inbox. You can unsubscribe to any future emails from me immediately by unsubscribing, or updating your preferences, at the bottom of any email you get).
Someone had a wonderful and fascinating question: Can I take the Eating Peace Process and apply it to my break-up in a love relationship?
How fascinating, because what this person can tell by knowing about self-inquiry, is that the feeling of addiction, craving, reaching, and agony around your target of choice….can vary widely.
Her “target” (the thing desired) was LOVE. Keeping it. Getting it. Upset about love gone wrong.
Somehow, a deep inner target or desire we have, no matter what the things, seems to reach for attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, pleasure.
Now, I’m not sure the Eating Peace program specifically would work for the sense of being addicted to stressful stories about love relationships and worry about loss in that department….
….but this inquirer was onto something as she noticed that wanting a relationship to be a certain way felt like an addiction or compulsion.
Whew.
Most of us have probably noticed from time to time (or a whole lot) that you’re THINKING about something AGAIN, and you wish you weren’t.
It feels like you can’t stop thinking about it.
(When can I get some cookies, how can I get him/her, I need to keep consuming this, I need to keep texting him/her, I need to get rid of what I ate, I need to get him/her out of my life, I need to fix myself so I stop craving, I need to fix myself so I stop liking him/her).
Here’s something you can do as you notice your thoughts arise.
It’s kind of simple: Write Them Down.
Allow your thoughts to be petty, ridiculous, desperate, needy. Write down what you want that person or the food to do, be like, offer, give you.
What would it feel like, if you got what you wanted? What would you have, if you had it?
If you NEVER got it, what would be terrible about it? If you never received, acquired, consumed this thing you want, how painful would it be? Would you go mad with frustration?
What else would come to the surface, if you did NOT get what you believe you want to relieve the craving? (Don’t just jump to thinking “That would be GREAT!”)
Study yourself and your compulsive moments. You are the One you’ve been waiting for. You’re the one with the best answers for yourself.
You question your own thoughts, the ones YOU notice in your mind….you answer the questions with YOUR answers, which also appear in your brilliant willing mind.
Welcome to The Work.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Wonderful small group starting tomorrow in the Eating Peace Process. You start with your own work in writing on the weekend. We meet for the first week live on Tuesday evenings and/or Thursday mornings. Compulsive thoughts about food can be so painful. If you’re ready to go in and explore the root of the addictive process, join us here.
One of my favorite Byron Katie prompts or questions to help dig down into The Work is:
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
The “it” of course, is your stressful belief.
What does it mean, if it’s true? What do you think it means about you, or about other people (or that one other person you’re concerned about)?
What are all the meanings you give this thought?
This question comes in especially handy if you think something stressful is a solid fact, not open to interpretation.
Some examples:
I am going to die. My car tire went flat. I tore my hamstring. The carpet needs vacuuming. I weigh 500 pounds. It’s raining. I have $10.19. I got married. I moved to a cottage. My husband went to live in Timbuktu. She has cancer.
If you notice something seems like an irrefutable fact, a simple fact, a thought you can’t argue with….
….and yet you notice you feel stress or pain when you think it or write it….
….it may be time to answer that question about what you think it means, if this is 100% true?
Last night I got to spend a beautiful evening at a local bookstore where I live called East West Books.
Inquirers both familiar and brand new to me came to gather and do their work about food, eating and body image.
Several of them shared their brilliantly honest worksheets about their weight, the food they feel pulled to eat, a body part they hate seeing in the mirror.
The work on the thoughts brought forward was quite incredible.
But I especially loved one woman’s thoughts about having too much weight on her body.
“I am too fat”.
And what do you think it means about you, about other people, about your life?
Deep breath.
Ouch. Because here’s what she said, and it reminded me of my own mind attacking itself for what it thought was true.
It means I am guilty, I am wrong, my life isn’t good, I’m not happy, I can’t wear fun clothes, I can’t be seen on the beach (another inquirer quietly uttered the word “whale” about his own appearance in a bathing suit), I can’t stop worrying and thinking about food.
For some others, being heavy or assuming you’re fat means….
….no one will love you. People will criticize you. No one will be attracted to you or date you. People will think you’re lazy, or greedy.
One thing I suggest is finding a moment in time where you first learned this thought that you are indeed too heavy.
Who did you hear it from?
Because you didn’t have the belief when you were born, that’s for sure.
Where’s your proof that fatness or heaviness or something-wrong-with-this-body is actually the case here?
(If you have a vivid image, like someone else in the group last night did, of mom saying “you are too big to have stripes that circle your body, you need vertical stripes only!” at age 7, then you might have a perfectly clear moment for a situation to investigate with The Work).
When you write down what you’re thinking, the thoughts are caught on paper, not zipping out of the air around the corner.
You’re too ____. (In this case, fat).
Is it true?
No.
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Horrible. Heavy. Despairing. So I go eat to get some sweetness and feel better.
Who would you be without this story of “I am _____” (fat, thin, tall, short, old, young, smart, dumb, sick, stupid…..and on an on, you pick your most frequent flyer).
Who would you be without the story of “I am too fat”?
Going about my business. Playing more. Doing art. Spending time with friends. The woman voicing The Work for everyone present last night said “I’d probably know a lot more people”.
Turning the thought around: I am NOT too fat. My THINKING is too fat.
Yes. My thoughts are heavy, dense, thick like flies surrounding the body, buzzing and yelling at it all the time. My thoughts are big, extra, overloaded, especially when it comes to the body. They’re focused on the body, not life, not expanding in other areas besides the body!
With the thought? Pain and suffering.
Without the thought? Light, free, living life.
“You’re either believing your thoughts, or questioning them….no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
It may be quite disturbing at first to write down such a thought as “I am too fat”. It can be frustrating to even think about it all over again, and realize, as you write, how much you HATE this problem that’s been here since childhood.
But would you rather write down your thoughts and then take them one by one through the inquiry process known as The Work (it is work, after all) or keep on believing them?
Just saying.
If you’re twisted up about this topic in any way, if you’ve found yourself eating from one end of the refrigerator to the other, if you’re wondering more deeply about the connection between your weight or your eating and your thoughts….
….and accessing peace with eating, your body, food….
….the Eating Peace Process Online begins on Saturday.
Everyone enrolled receives their first writing exercise on Saturday and the first “lesson” for looking at the food, eating, body, mind. Our first calls are Tuesday 1/17 at 5:30 pm, and Thursday 1/19 8:30 am. If you’re in the program, you can come to one or both (everything’s recorded).
I can’t wait to share the practices and exercises that worked best for me in my own healing journey, so you can choose what to take into yours.
And the most important practice of all, the cornerstone of the Eating Peace Program…..The Work of Byron Katie.
Read in detail about it here. Join me if it’s time.
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast (or any discomfort with food and eating)!
Even if you can’t make it to the MasterClass, watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
You’ve probably heard of numbers, scales, measurements and weights when it comes to solutions for eating.
I had so many numbers in my head around eating, my body and food, it was totally overwhelming….and infuriating.
Ugh.
Who wanted another number that I had to pay attention to, and feel like a failure if I didn’t? Why couldn’t I find the natural ease I knew was my birthright, when it came to eating?
Well, here is my one scale that I loved learning about (the first version I ever encountered was from Geneen Roth, thank you for your inspiration, Geneen).
Yes, this scale has numbers in it. But it’s OK. It’s supportive, expansive, based on what reality truly is. It gave my mind something to do. My mind rather appreciates numbers and measuring things.
You can use this scale, this step, to slow down and consider, as you eat.
I also give you two easy thoughts of encouragement, to help you use the scale in a way that works for you.
Have you often wondered why you’re eating, or why you ate the food you ate, or why you ate the way you ate?
If you’ve experienced compulsion with food, you’ve certainly wondered these things many times.
The answer to this question, for me, has really become quite simple.
The reason I’m eating (or doing anything compulsive that I really don’t want to do, or isn’t healthy for me) is because I am AFRAID!
I’ve felt threatened by something.
I’m nervous.
This might have happened many years ago, or very recently.
But my view of a relationship, a task, a request, an activity, a dynamic about life and the world….
….is fearful.
Here’s an amazing question to ask that can really help uncover the truth of what you’re thinking and believing when you feel like doing something (in this case eating).
One of my favorite Byron Katie prompts or questions to help dig down into The Work is: