Tag: recovery

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Acting crazy with compulsion? There’s one other alternative….only one

Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try but Inquiry.
Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try…except Inquiry.

Today I can’t wait to be at East West Bookstore in Seattle doing a little mini 3 hour workshop on eating, body image and our relationship to food…..and how to enter peace instead of war.

Doing The Work is of course my favorite tool and method of inquiry for working with stressful beliefs, and naturally inquiry is what we’ll be doing in the workshop.

HOWEVER.

When it comes to addiction, fear, compulsive behavior of any kind….

….when we’re doing things we hate ourselves for later, feeling needy, feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling like we want to escape or attack (the perfect pain points for addictive or compulsive behavior)….

….then it’s often hard to find WHAT it is you’re troubled by?

What would make me troubled enough to overeat when I don’t really want to, or smoke, or drink, or start house-cleaning, or surf the internet, or try to find someone to hook up with?

The thing is, moving into your compulsive favorite thing to do, if you have one (most people do, some are more destructive than others) is a REACTION to a belief you’re thinking.

You’ve already bought the belief.

You already assume it’s true, and it’s frightening, aggravating, infuriating, and it feels hopeless.

So you do the behavior instead (in my case, I ate, and sometimes drank or smoked cigarettes or over-exercised).

It kind of works for a little bit, when you’re hunting down the substance and caught in the energy of your compulsive pattern.

When I went into the addictive behavior, I would not be aware any more of what was bothering me, and instead, I’d be thinking about eating, the food I would buy, the taste, smell and feeling of it as I devoured it. The anticipation was all-consuming and overwhelming. It was mesmerizing. Obsessive. Nothing else existed hardly, except getting my fix.

With such a wild energy taking over, the energy we’re calling “addictive”, it is actually a bit tricky and difficult to put on the brakes and see what’s hidden.

Why?

Because what’s hidden is SO PAINFUL.

I’d rather not take a look at it. Do I have to? Can’t I just eat instead? Or get stoned? Or run 10 miles and beat my body into a pulp of exhaustion? Or have sex in a bathroom with a stranger?

You can. I did.

But it wasn’t ultimately satisfying. It was shameful, embarrassing, I felt horrible later, and it kept me on the cycle I refer to as CRIME – GUILT – PUNISHMENT.

You committed a crime, you’re guilty, you must be punished. You feel horrible and gross, you vow never to do it again, and then….

….the background underground haunted old pain starts to wake up, since you’re not busy hating yourself as much, and it starts to get louder.

Sooner or later, when it gets too loud to tolerate, you need to do the thing again, the thing that helps you forget about it.

Let me tell you, I am so happy not to be in that severe cycle anymore I kiss the ground with gratitude.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do it in smaller, much more subtle doses. For example, I’ve noticed a tendency to compulsively try to be pleasing to people so they’ll relax, calm down, like me, or become safer for me. This compulsion to be in communication with others in a pleasing way shows up sometimes by me withholding what I really want, or not saying what’s really true. (We’ll talk about that another day).

Here’s what’s important for stopping a cycle of compulsive thinking, and then compulsive acting, that zips you away from seeing what you ultimately really WANT to see, even if it’s painful.

First, decide you want to see what’s going on, what’s hidden. Part of you already DOES want to see it….encourage that part.

Then, notice these two options.

Old Way, Defensive Way, Conditioned Way (called “Believing Your Thoughts”):

  1. You feel something uncomfortable. It’s stressful.
  2. You feel scared you did something wrong, or you’re being rejected or you’re a bad person.
  3. You quick move to the other person or people involved.They’re doing it wrong….not just you. They might be the primary ones to blame.
  4. Run away from those people, they’re bad, OR, Fight those people, they’re bad.
  5. Deal with your anxiety, or the sense you’ve had a close call with something frightening by _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite compulsion: eat, drink, sex, smoke, read, internet, spend)
  6. Forget about it all for awhile. Relief. Oblivion.

New Way, Loving Way, Freedom Way (called “Questioning Your Thoughts”):

  1. You feel something. It’s stressful.
  2. You feel scared you’re doing something wrong, or you’re being rejected, or you’re a bad person—or that someone else is.
  3. Pause. Write down your thoughts. What’s disturbing you?
  4. Do The Work and answer the four questions, innquiring about yourself with curiosity and self-care, and compassion.
  5. Notice that you’re OK without doing anything. See if you can BE. Use your speedy fast mind and your imagination to wonder what it would be like without your story? What if you’re not seeing the whole picture, or the true picture?
  6. Clearly see options for yourself you didn’t see before. Notice how dealing with your internal world is what you always wanted, not to run away from it. Notice how brilliant you’ve been so far with your compulsions, and now, you’re becoming aware of a more expansive view. You are safe.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the old way, the old pattern, it’s just a matter of time until you DO your compulsive behavior again.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the new, alternative way, you often take action. You go back to the person you’re most afraid of, and ask them any questions perhaps. You say “no” or you say “yes” with much greater clarity. You no longer feel confusion. You ask for what you need more directly. You get help.
Which way seems like the better one, the more interesting way, the more fun way?
I really had no other option if I wanted to stay alive, than to take the second road, even though part of me wanted to Not Look and thought it was easier following the first road.
It wasn’t.
It was hell.
Who would you be with inquiry, instead of believing your stressful stories?
Caring far more about my thinking, than what I’m eating or not eating, doing or not doing.
“You’re either believing your thoughts, or you’re questioning them.There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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How do you even get to those hidden beliefs that fuel compulsion….if they’re HIDDEN?

What would you have, if you had a perfect, thin, strong, young, supple, attractive, athletic body?

What would you have, if your eating woes were gone….or it no longer mattered what you ate?

It’s not a new idea that underlying beliefs, or hidden negative stories, fuel overeating or other compulsions….

….but how do you find out what you’re hiding inside, if it’s HIDDEN?

Here are some ideas, especially one key exercise, you can do to discover unexpected “hidden” reasons you’re doing what you’re doing with food and eating.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: The Work of Byron Katie on Appearance

Recently in the Eating Peace Core Teleclass I guided everyone through filling out a Judge Your Body worksheet.

The thing about worksheets on the body, is if you pause for two seconds and think about the body, the criticism or worry or judgments of it are…..well….infinite.

For the purposes of eating peace, we look in a concentrated way at appearance and all the associations we make with needing to look a certain way and how the mind concludes that we’re doing something wrong, we’re ugly, we need to fix our eating or exercise program. Obviously.

Astonishing how quickly the mind directs attention to solving the problem. Let’s fix this! Go! Go! Go!

It races off to find a solution without even taking a look at the original concept: this is wrong.

Now, here’s where it can get even more interesting.

Take a dive into WHY you need this body to look NOT like this, but another way, and actually allow yourself to see what it is you truly want.

Why did I want a thin body (or, to be attractive)? What would it give me? What would I have, if I had that Other Better Body?

It’s OK to admit your desires without embarrassment or shame.

What do you see your mind has locked in on, without discernment, without question, without inquiring, believing the assumption hook-line-and-sinker?

You need to be thin (thinner). You are fat. That cellulite is ugly. That belly is disgusting. I need these to change because other people think these same thoughts about me when they see me. And then, I am rejected. I am not picked. I am alone. I am abandoned.

Is any of this true?

Yes, oh yes, oh yes. It would be better to have thin, smooth, flat, long, tight, strong thighs. Says the mind, the eyeballs looking with the view of “corrective lenses”.

But are you absolutely sure what you’re thinking is accurate and true?

I always found I was so convinced people would like me, find me appealing, attractive, interesting. Almost like my survival depended on it. I would be abandoned without looking amazing. My mom, my dad, my grandparents all agreed. I heard them say things when I was young. They even talked about themselves negatively. I can tell this thin-thing is important. And I want their love!

There’s a book for this, written by a sage and wise woman Byron Katie: “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”

People in the Eating Peace Core class said….but….wait a second.

If I don’t think I’m ugly, or fat, or need to do something….

….then I will never, ever change!!

It’s true, in my experience, that I’ve been drawn to look at my mind and my beliefs because of noticing that when I thought them, I suffered. I would perhaps never have done The Work without suffering, I don’t know for sure—I do see that conflict, sadness, agony, hatred, judgment and criticism felt painful, and I wanted to stop feeling like it was all unbearable, intolerable, not worth living through.

But here’s a great question:

Are you SURE you need to hate yourself, or your body, in order to assist it to change? Are you sure you need to judge, despise, and criticize yourself the second you see your thighs in a window (that’s how fast it happens, when you’re conditioned deeply)?

Are you sure you actually need what you think a great body would get you (their love and adoration)?

I thought a great body would get me romance, acceptance, attention, maybe even fame.

News Flash: it didn’t.

How do you react when you believe your body size and shape, if it were “right”, would bring you happiness?

You make sure you do everything humanly possible to keep your body in “admirable” shape. Without addressing your deepest fears and suffering, or conflicted thoughts. It’s a lot of work.

So who would you be without your belief system about thinness, fatness, needing to limit eating, needing to control yourself, needing to fix who you really are?

Hold very still as you contemplate this answer.

Who is asking this question? Who is doing the looking at the body? Have you noticed the body doesn’t look back at you? It’s just there, being itself. YOU are the one who is looking. An observer.

Can you look with the eyes of a three-year old who doesn’t have all these judgments piled on yet? How about with the eyes of someone loving, supportive, kind, attentive, and gentle? How does God look at this body? How does Reality see these thighs? Can you look, just for a second, without your bitter judgment?

You CAN. Because it’s just as possible for you as the critical way. And it feels much better. It feels secure, patient, solid, unconditional.

How do you think your eating will change more easily…..if you HATE the way you look, or LOVE the way you look?

Watch my video telling what happened for me when I did The Work on my ugly, cellulite-filled, repulsive thighs.

Are you sure if you think you’re beautiful, no matter how imperfect, and accepting….that you’ll never be thin?

Well you might as well at least try seeing with different eyes. Note to self: looking with criticism and hatred hasn’t worked so far to make you change.

Right?

Love, Grace

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How to find out what makes you eat (or do anything you don’t really want to do)

“I am the source of my pain, but only all of it. One hundred percent.” ~ Byron Katie 

Sometimes, when people read a statement like this out of context, they say things to themselves like……

……”That’s so true. I am my worst enemy. What a schmuck I am, causing myself such turmoil. I wish I was different. It’s hopeless. My life sucks.”

But you know, of course, it’s not the intention that you feel bad about yourself and take this personally.

Often, when we feel frightened or nervous about conditions of life, we automatically get defensive, or attack something….anything.

This moment, this condition, this situation is WRONG!

And so am I!

But the more I work with people in mindful inquiry (and feeling deeply) the more I see that every time there’s a compulsive movement towards something, like binge-eating for example, or obsessive thinking, or other addictive behaviors…..

…..the thing we miss is what was so dang scary that eating felt like the better choice.

Could it be that the self-hatred or judgmental stream of thoughts or compulsive behavior actually covers up something more frightening, that we’d rather not think about at all?

What I found in my own internal excavation was….yes.

Big time.

I had a huge amount of fear, anxiety, resentments and unacknowledged grief about things that had happened in my life.

And I had never spoken of them to anyone, and certainly hadn’t done The Work on them.

No wonder I wanted to eat like a maniac sometimes (or starve myself, or smoke, or move to another town, or start making plans for something in a non-peaceful way, or spend time thinking about how to improve myself).

The other day, I read a quote that most humans would love to take the easy, fast solution to a problem that’s highly unlikely to work, than a slow, hard solution to a problem that’s guaranteed to work.

Isn’t that crazy?

We really hate the idea that something might take awhile, that something might be a practice over time.

Believe me, I tried all the fast solutions. I still lean that way at times, depending on the moment, before I realize “oh, right, there is no fast miraculous solution….time to slow down and take it one step at a time.”

If you’re wondering where to look more closely to find out what’s running below the surface, the underlying thoughts and fears you’d rather not see….

….and yet, you really DO want to see them in the end….

….then watch here today for one exercise that may help. It’s something a therapist did with me many years ago. It will slow you way down, and you may make some discoveries about what’s driving you to eat, be stuck, do that compulsive thing, avoid change.

A little exercise to help you uncover some underlying stressful beliefs that may be driving you to uncomfortable behavior
An exercise to help you uncover underlying stressful beliefs that may be driving you to compulsive thinking or behavior

Much love, Grace

P.S. Not everyone has an eating issue, but if you do….and you want to take a closer look in this sometimes scary but profoundly life-changing way at what’s going on….come join Eating Peace Retreat. It’s in San Francisco area next month. We’ll be in a private home in Newark, and it will be wonderful, and safe.

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I Have To Get Normal–And This Is Not It

Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.
Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.

Dear Grace…..I HAVE to change, but I haven’t figured out how, even though I’ve tried everything.

Dear Grace…..I’ve been told I could benefit from an inpatient program for “addiction” (in this case eating disorders), but I don’t think it will work.

Dear Grace…..I know there’s no magic bullet or pill or weekend workshop to end all my concerns and stressful behaviors, so why should I bother signing up for any program (like Eating Peace, or The School, or that meditation workshop)?

Dear Grace…..Are there going to be other people who are: my age, my behavior, my experience, my problems, my gender, my size, my shape, my religion, my background? Or will I be the only one like me?

I notice when I’m offering a time to gather together, especially a workshop like Eating Peace (this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10/9-10/11) where we’re exploring the end of suffering especially around eating and investigating the internal world…..

…..people have many questions.

What I see them asking, at the deepest level, is this:

Dear Grace…..This is my story and it’s really painful. I’m afraid it will never end. I know coming to your retreat won’t save me, heal me, stop me, change me completely. But will it at least make a difference? Will it be worth it?

Have you ever felt this way about something you have a choice about?

I need it to be good (and good means: _____)

I need to NOT be bad (and bad means: _____)

What’s strange is, of course, there is absolutely no way to get any kind of solid, 100% confirmed, complete, guaranteed answer.

Ever.

How does anyone know to try something new, or different?

How does anyone decide Yes or No about a possibility?

A few years ago, I signed up for a program that cost a lot of money (according to me, it felt like a huge stretch) and travel time and planning.

Before I decided to sign up, I kept going back to the information presented online about the program, and reading about the founder and teacher, and re-reading articles and books by her.

It was offered every year, and I took a look for about 4 years in a row thinking “I should do this, I really want to see it for myself.”

What was the kernel of truth, the THING I really wanted, the spark of interest that stayed alive and afloat for all that time, that invited me to say “yes”?

It’s kind of undefinable in concrete terms, but I wanted to grow my feeling of feminine power and awareness and sensuality. I loved imagining FEELING pleasure, joy and self-love.

I had already done The School for The Work with Byron Katie quite a few years before.

This felt like a way to practice a turnaround about being thrilled to be alive, and being surrounded by supportive sisters (the program was for women only), and tapping into the joy of my unique life.

I wanted some examples of what it would look like to be living and practicing that turnaround.

My old stressful beliefs were “being female isn’t that great, sisters can hurt or compete with you emotionally, and joy is elusive.”

I knew those beliefs weren’t true.

I wanted to BE who I was without those thoughts.

However, I knew that once the program was over, I’d still be in the world with myself, in my own personal life, with my mind, feelings, soul, and unfolding steps.

And that’s what happened.

I participated in the program, and then it was over.

But I had tools and very solid examples of what this kind of energy looked like. I had pictures now of how I might open up to practicing the energy of whatever I felt “feminine power” was or “awareness” or “sensuality” or “pleasure” or “support” of other women especially.

I remember during that program I walked down the street one day by myself on the way to the morning session with the sudden question “what if right now, I experienced joy and felt every ounce of this body with gratitude?”

I walked into a Starbucks, to get the most fabulous drink that felt the most divine for my body, the most healthy and nurturing.

As I ordered my tea at the counter, the man said “pretty in pink!” and gave me a huge smile (I had on a pink shirt).

Everyone was smiling in the cafe.

People were happy walking their dogs on the morning sidewalks.

I thought “I adore New York City!!” (which is where I was walking).

Was it the program, or me…..

…..or a fabulous convergence of forces and energies all coming together at once.

Neither me, nor the program, nor the curriculum, nor the city is the “cause” of that moment.

It was all of it, joining together. Connected.

Does this mean it was “worth it”?

On the very last day of the School for The Work with Byron Katie over a decade ago, as I left the big conference room after our very last session, full of goodbyes, a staff person said to me….

….”Now is the real school. Your life.”

Gasp. All untethered? Without guidance?

But who was I in that moment without the story that this meant I had to do it all completely alone, that I was by myself, that I had to figure my whole life out independently from anyone else, or that I was not supported by the universe?

Who would you be without the beliefs that if you decide to join with something, anything at all….

….it HAS TO make a difference and I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!?!

Who would you be without the belief that you’re in charge?

Even with the simple act called doing The Work, or how about the simple act of eating (I know both do not seem so simple depending on your situation).

But what if you questioned your stressed out mind without expectation of the way it is supposed to look once you question it?

What I have found, over time, is when I do NOT know how something will affect my life, my behavior, my choices, my actions in a clear way….

….it’s actually a bit easier.

I let go of being The One who has to Know.

After my first School for The Work, I got a weekly partner and we kept questioning thoughts every Monday for two years.

All I need to know is that I hurt when I believe a whole novel of thoughts about a topic, and they’re all stressful.

When I inquire, I hurt less.

“You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to see how it all fits together. All you need is to practice directing your attention to the life you want.” ~ Cheri Huber in What You Practice Is What You Have

Signing up for a program, a college course, a vacation, a class, a workshop, a date, a marriage, a retreat….

….what if you didn’t focus on the outcome, trying to make sure you won’t stand out, or trying to make sure you’ll be safe, or getting proof that you’ll be different (better) by saying yes?

All these are impossible to know.

What if you allowed yourself to join in simply because you’re curious? Because the way you’re doing it feels All Alone, and difficult?

Who would you be without the belief that you could make a mistake, or waste time or money, or fail at your plans to change?

I have no idea if I’m so different after my program in NYC all those years ago, but I love the story that keeps playing in my mind, the movie I get to watch, when I think about all the scenes and exercises and activities I was invited to do.

They still remind me to consider what it feels like to be responsible for my own joy in any given moment.

I could say it wasn’t “worth it” (I wondered sometimes after it was over) and I could have saved time and money NOT going.

But I can’t find that this is true, when I question it.

“Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering. Wake yourself up from your nightmares, and the sweet dreams will take care of themselves. If your internal world is free and wonderful, why would you want to change it? If the dream is a happy one, who would want to wake up? And if you dreams aren’t happy, welcome to The Work.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

If you’d like to enter the journey, even if you’ve started long ago, or taken it 1000 times, of questioning the beliefs that create suffering around food, diet, weight, failure, or your conviction that you must change (or else)….

….then Eating Peace is a 3 day opportunity to practice, learn, ask questions, find what’s really true for you, get a dose of quiet and insight that only you can really give yourself.

I have been down the long road of terrible suffering around food and eating, and it’s over now.

It has helped me immensely to consult those who have taken this journey and come out.

Now I can be that for you.

Someone wrote to me “I just want to get back to normal.”

Clearly seeing what you’re thinking that produces pain, the urge to eat weirdly, to rage at yourself, to be angry with your body or metabolism, to feel disappointment about food, to be upset with bread or despairing about sugar….

….and questioning these deep old thoughts is the fastest way I know to get to normal.

Whatever that is.

“Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone…..Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation…..Everything is waiting for you.” 

~ David Whyte from his poem Everything Is Waiting For You

Much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace is for those interested in peace, and those willing to look at war. Inner war, outer war. Inner peace, outer peace. To register or read more, click HERE. You don’t have to have any kind of disordered eating to attend, and if you do, you’re truly welcome.

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Don’t Be Careful, You Could Hurt Yourself

If you're too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself
If you’re too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself

Eating Peace 3Day Retreat is one week away. Room for more. Join me in this thrilling ride of ending wars with food, eating and body image. October 9-11, 2015. Northeast Seattle. Register HERE.

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I need to go easy on him.

Have you ever had that thought when you know you need to bring up something to somebody that you’re pretty sure they won’t like to hear?

Phew.

Feeling mixed about speaking up is very common for a lot of people.

Dangerous results come to mind. Like people getting really mad and running away, or lashing out.

When I was in my twenties I probably got the prize for being the most indirect, angst-ridden, nervous, unclear communicator when it came to dating and men that you’ve ever met.

Well, OK.

It maybe could have been worse.

And here’s the funny part. (Sort of funny, let’s put it that way).

If I didn’t speak, and let it build, and tried to make myself tolerate and NOT talk or say anything hurtful, guess what also tended to happen during those years when it came to communication?

Yep.

The complete opposite.

Slicing someone to shreds verbally on the inside. Being super bossy and controlling. Laying down the law.

I kind of hate to admit it.

The critical part was pretty mean. It mostly happened on the inside. I sometimes gossiped about people I felt scared of. I didn’t want to tell them to their face because I was super worried about hurting their feelings and pleasing them and remaining safe.

It took a lot for me to snap.

My most common way to snap?

Eating.

Since I didn’t let myself speak up to anyone, especially men, so I could avoid hurting their feelings……

…..I would go on these eating binges that felt like tornadoes.

It was like something clicked and I’d say “f*&K IT!” and stop controlling, suppressing, diminishing and squelching my own inner anger. In a mixture of panic, rebellion and fury, I’d eat everything in sight, or drive to find whatever food I damn well wanted.

I also smoked cigarettes, or drank beer or wine.

I was like a Rebel Beoch.

By myself in my own car driving around listening to loud music.

Finally telling the whole world off by expressing the inner energy like a fire storm.

When no one was looking.

(How was that workin’ for me? Um, not so hot actually).

The trouble with letting out energy sideways like that, it never gets directly resolved.

The truth was I felt the crushing experience of believing that Other People I Love could both hurt me, and be hurt by me.

I wanted everyone to be pleased with me so that I myself never got hurt, and never caused hurt.

In many ways, this is the sweetest, dearest, kindest most loving impulse…..way down deep inside the heart.

Do you see how innocent the impulse is to have no one, including me, ever feel frightened, abandoned, ashamed, or unworthy?

You have this inner impulse of gentle loving kindness, too.

But somewhere along the way, thank God, I discovered that being super careful not to hurt anyone had an obvious assumption for me under the surface:

That it was possible to be hurt (oh terrible), and that hurting must and can be prevented.

But here’s the bummer twist to the plot.

If it’s possible to be hurt and to cause hurt, AND you believe you can prevent it, then you’re in deep doodoo.

You have to be insanely careful.

In my situation with men and dating, I’d just not answer the phone if a guy was trying to reach me for a second date. Or I’d act super this-is-friends-only and pretend I didn’t hear if a guy made flirtatious remarks who I wasn’t really attracted to.

If you believe in getting hurt, you may have to “work” on yourself to make sure you quit acting so hurt. Or you may do everything you can to relieve the hurt, end the hurt, get rid of the hurt. You need to constantly learn techniques to fix the hurt, repair the hurt, and quit suffering about the hurt.

But you just can’t accept the hurt.

No way.

You gotta FIGHT it, SMASH it, DESTROY it, BURY it.

(Munch munch chomp swallow chomp munch smash chew crunch grind chomp).

But who would you be without your story about HURT?

This includes not only hurting when it comes to dating….

….but every kind of emotional fear of getting hurt, like with friends, family, kids, siblings, co-workers, bosses, neighbors.

Who would you be without the belief that you are capable of hurting just like you were hurt?

Without the belief that it means you are worthy of being hurt, if you were hurt?

Or that someone else is worthy of being hurt, if they hurt you (or hurt others)?

What if you didn’t have the thought that hurting is forever?

“There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.” ~ Byron Katie

For me, to question my beliefs about this world hurting me has been the most basic, deep mystery brought forth by The Work.

It seemed like the universe was unfriendly.

You know, those unfriendly situations? You know the ones I’m talkin’ about?

Bad stuff happens.

Who am I though, in this present moment, without that thought that hurting happens, that getting damaged is irreparable, or that it means the universe is not so nice?

Not denial, not sugar-coated, not making it look fine when it isn’t…..

…..this is really looking to see what is actually, genuinely true.

I keep finding, with the help of others and the support of life, that every time I believe I’ve been hurt, I’m carried or pushed or guided or pointed, however softly and subtly (sometimes intensely), to something different.

Something healing.

My disordered crazed eating brought me to seek help, which brought me to the wisdom of others who had healed before me, which brought me to looking deep within at my definitions of pain, history, family, love, parents, work, God, life and death.

Your suffering may have brought you here today, to read these words, because you are a lover of understanding life and reality.

You want to know the truth.

Me too.

I turn the thought around about that thing that hurt so horribly:

  • that experience healed me
  • I was not hurt
  • it did not mean I was deserving of the pain
  • there is no need to be careful here
  • I have not unforgivably hurt other people
  • I did not hurt myself permanently
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Remember, this isn’t denial.
It’s not condoning or believing yay, I got hurt or someone else got hurt.
It’s holding it all in one wide open expansive place, mysterious and unknown.
“If you can learn to remain centered with the smaller things, you will see that you can also remain centered with bigger things. Over time, you will find that you can even remain centered with the really big things. The types of events that would have destroyed you in the past can come and go, leaving you perfectly centered and peaceful. You can be fine, deep inside, even in the face of a deep sense of loss…..Ultimately, even if ‘terrible’ things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars and impressions.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Keep inquiring.

We’re getting it.

Can you feel what’s centered and peaceful, even with all the suffering you’ve gone through in your life?

If you can’t….don’t worry.

Inquire.

Nothing more required.

Much Love,Grace

P.S. Do you hurt yourself with food and eating? Eating Peace may be a wonderful experience for you. October 9-11, 2015.For more information, click here.

 

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Eating Peace: A Crazy Tool You Have Within You But You May Not Know It

Are you someone who doesn’t really go for the woo-woo solutions to real life problems?

Well…this tool for changing your relationship with eating can sound a little cray-cray.

But believe me, I’m not that crazy (only crazy in a good way).

This tool is genuine, powerful, and used by many cultures, religions, therapeutic modalities and processes of emotional healing for centuries.

It’s in you already, you just may need to develop it a little, spending a little more time using your imagination for love, not hate (primarily for yourself).

See how I did it here. Leave a comment to let me know how this tool works for you–I love hearing from you and reading your comments.

Love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Tell The Truth….The Way To Heal

When I was much younger, I had the good fortune to enter a therapy group for adults with no special “problem”.

It was simply a therapeutic group for healing, understanding, and…

…well…therapy.

The group was led by two wonderful, experienced therapists (a man and a woman who were colleagues) and whose intention was to help facilitate clarity in peoples’ lives.

I felt like the weirdo with the eating issues.

Ugh.

But when I actually admitted my concerns, my behaviors and what I went through out loud to the group, I got a big surprise.

Absolute acceptance.

People could even relate–even though they didn’t have anything close to an eating disorder or eating concerns.

They related on a human level of suffering, and felt compassion and loving kindness towards me.

I couldn’t have received this without telling the truth about my situation, my experiences of fear and anxiety, and my sadness and disappointment.

My advice now? Tell the truth.

It’s the way out of your world of secrets. And its much more fun.

Lots of peace,
Grace
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Question Your Thinking, Change Your Addiction

Every so often, I get asked about my history of addiction and I still have a twinge of wishing it wasn’t so.

Ew.

My primary horrible experience was around food. Always concerned with eating too much or not having enough, and trapped in the squashed zone of in-between.

It was too much, it is too much, it will be too much…it wasn’t enough, it isn’t enough, it won’t be enough.

Landing on “just right” seemed elusive, actually…..impossible.

My mind was so full of fear, I couldn’t relax.

It doesn’t matter if this comes out in the way you eat or in another way. I’ve used other activities to *prove* there’s either too much or not enough of something….caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, screen time, crushes.

But what is there actually not enough of, or too much of….really?

It always seemed like there was something I perceived that was missing, or too overwhelming, and boom….the urge to escape would appear.

Since my mind was fast and busy and saw a lot that there was too much of, and a lot missing, I was constantly fretting about life, relationships, money, safety, love, yesterday and tomorrow.

No wonder I thought I needed “help” from substances, especially food.

Life was hard, thinking there wouldn’t be enough of something, or there might be too much of something, all that all the time.

And ever so slowly, it dawned on me that thought, this way of thinking, was an addiction all by itself.

I couldn’t seem to think any other way, I kept believing what I thought was true, I took myself and my thoughts very seriously, I believed I couldn’t relax or didn’t have true happiness yet, that it was around the corner.

“Simple rest without thought, feeling into the spacious relaxation of no mind, is perhaps the best antidote to addiction.  Trying to think oneself out of addiction is, in and of itself, just another addiction, an addiction to thought. If we are going to speak of recovery from addiction, we have to first speak to this addiction to thought itself.  When addiction to thought is released, thoughts still happen, but with no sense of self in them and no sense that they carry a command to engage in some addictive substance or behavior.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Questioning your stressful thoughts is a fantastic way to begin to break apart what you’re thinking, to begin to understand what’s happening in your mind that creates the urge to eat, drink, smoke, shop, watch movies, obsess, clean, exercise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s unrelated to food, or whatever you use for escape or comfort.

Look at these beliefs:

There is not enough of “x” in my life…..and…..there is too much of “x” in my life.

Write these down. Make a list.

Take them through the four questions.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.”~Byron Katie

If you’re wanting to stop doing something that feels compulsive, addictive, harmful…you can stop.

You can stop believing that what you’re thinking is true. Start by writing down what you repeat to yourself that seems stressful.

Then take it through the four questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know it’s true (if you said Yes)
  • How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?
  • What’s the opposite of your original thought?

You can do this.

Freedom is on the other side.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Breitenbush Retreat and Mini Retreat Deadlines Soon

Two deadlines looming.

That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

The poetry of living with a dramatic, expressive mind using dramatic, expressive language. And noticing time limits approaching.

Deadline #1: Next week, Wednesday April 30th is the last day to register for Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat and get the Early Bird super low fee for a four-day retreat ($395). June 25-29th.

To register for this luscious time for body, mind, spirit….you must call Breitenbush. You have to actually phone them, the old fashioned way 503-854-3320. 

Deadline #2: May 3rd the last mini retreat for several months. We meet in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage, limited to ten participants.

Here’s the wonderful thing about both of these retreats:

Contact live and in-person with your inner world, through showing up, making connection, being there, putting your stake in the ground.

One is four hours.

One is four days.

Which one would you like to attend?

And really, have you noticed how dramatic and expressive the voices inside tend to be? Because the word DEADLINE is kind of intense.

I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. “Deadline” was first coined during the Civil War in the US, inside prisons. If a prisoner crossed a certain boundary line past the stockade, the guards were instructed to shoot.

Cross the line (probably headed in the direction of the prison wall) and you were going to be…..well, dead.

Back to earth….and present reality….I have questioned this “deadline” when it comes to retreats, and even the description of it as “looming” and found neither one to be true.

But I have found that making friends with my own thoughts, patterns, conditioning, and all that I have absorbed and assumed to be true…..

…..a matter of life or death of happiness.

Navigating life while also believing in terrible danger, loss, chaos, horror, fear, devastation, and tragedy is very hard.

It feels like death warmed over, as my grandma used to say.

If your own mind aims at you like a guard, every time you approach an invisible line, telling you to step back or you’ll be dead, you might feel very much like you’re trapped in hell.

The way to begin, if you really feel depressed, concerned, anxious, fearful and lost….is to write down everything that you feel upset about.

What’s dangerous? What’s horrifying?

You may have a long list. That’s OK. You may have a short one. That’s OK too.

I hate that we have to die, I hate that my marriage ended, I hate that this world is confusing, I hate that my child suffered, I hate that I lost my previous better life, I hate the absence of money, I hate my own mind, I hate that there are starving banished people, I hate how some people treat others. 

The world is a confusing (or terrible) place.

Now pick just one concept, to begin the process.

It’s hard for the mind to stop and pick just ONE objection.

But that’s where The Work of Byron Katie begins. Self-inquiry has started here in many other forms of inquiry as well, for centuries of human spiritual and existential investigation. Looking at ONE concept or principle at a time.

When I gather together with others, we have a landing place. The runway. We all get on the airplane together. The group energy and intent sets a tone to stay, look together, not to go off on tangents or avoid difficult feelings.

During your inquiry, or afterwards, you may take off.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering with others, we build together, even if we don’t know the outcome. We’re on retreat for the purpose of looking at our thoughts, our beliefs, our perceptions of the world.

Nothing has been more life-changing for me that asking if it is true when I believe something troubling.

I might have done this all by myself on a desert island, but despite my occasional plans to go live in a monastery, my life has turned out to be active and of this world.

Retreats happen in the middle of it all. My best investigation has been done in the presence of other investigators.

“Let’s remember why we’re here at retreat: for this amazing opportunity to really look into the core of our own existence, the core of life itself that is so easy to overlook. It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind……So we come here to give our attention, our affection, our time. Our most highly prized commodity is our time. Anything or anyone you give your time to shows immediately what is most important.” Adyashanti 

Is it time to join with others for four hours, or four days, to really look into the core of your existence? To break through all the chatter, anger, war, discord and angst keeping you feeling trapped?

If YES, then come, come, wherever you are.

Much love, Grace