Tag: recovery

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Do I Want Security or Freedom?

The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.

Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.

I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.

Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.

That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.

It would seem like I just started eating.

When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.

And I hated this!

I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.

If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.

To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.

Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.

Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.

But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).

An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.

At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”

But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….

….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.

When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.

I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.

I thought I was alone.

But it turned out, other people felt the same way.

“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie

What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?

“The world is a dangerous place.” 

Killer thought.

It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.

So let’s take a look, with The Work.

Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?

Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!

OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..

….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?

You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.

But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.

How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?

Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.

Who would you be without that belief?

This could take a moment.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?

Hmmm.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti 

I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.

Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.

And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.

I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?

What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.

With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?

“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love, Grace

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

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The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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Escape Route To The Present

I can walk, I can walk!

Isn’t it funny to become excited about returning to your previously “normal” experience (in my case, having the use of my right leg as a regular working leg)?

The most intense part of the ordeal is over, apparently, in my journey to healing.

Although, I can probably testify that my right leg and hamstring will never be the same again. There’s a big scar, and permanent titanium pins embedded in my right pelvic bone.

But this body, and all its functions…what an incredible entity for receiving our judgments.

Often the mind runs rampant with its opinion about what should or should not be happening:

It should go faster, stop hurting, be smaller, grow taller, return to normal, heal, be younger, have no wrinkles, feel juicier, feel stronger, be softer, flatter, smoother, lighter, heavier. 

It’s sort of an incessant commentary.

In the Eating Peace group, we’re looking at the body, and zoning in on judgments about what is ugly or repulsive.

Too fat.

But what does that actually mean? In the past, I knew something was off about the whole fat/thin, old/young, abled/disabled assessments…but it seemed the only way to oppose all that was to think about something else, or apply affirmations.

Until I found The Work I didn’t even know how to examine this torturous belief-system in detail.

Is it true that your body is too fat, or that part of the body?

Is it true that any part you’re fighting with should be different than it is?

Well, duh. Of course it should different…look at that extra roll around the middle! Yuck!

Are you sure it shouldn’t be the way it is? Are you sure it’s too fat?

Even if you still say “yes”….because it seems like a dumb question…see if you can actually ask and answer.

Because when I stopped to answer, I couldn’t know for sure, not absolutely, that the part of my body I was looking at was ugly.

Scar tissue, atrophied thigh, sagging skin.

Ugly? Even if I were from another planet and had no reference for this belief system?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that something’s wrong here with the body?

Some people think at this point that they’d go off their rocker, become wildly obese, never work out again, stuff themselves silly every day, stop all physical movement, if they didn’t have the idea that something was wrong.

Can you be sure of that? Are you sure you have to hate it and think it’s ugly to get motivated?

Turning the thoughts around: this body should be exactly as it is, in exactly this state at this time.

How could that be truer? How could I be soft, gentle, kind and accepting with this body, here, now?

Which way would feel better….saying “this body sucks” or “this body rocks the house”?

Which way do you think you’d lose weight, feel less pain, relax with the illness you have, recover from an injury?

“Relying on thought has been our escape route. The only instruction we need to follow from the mind is ‘rest in presence’. This one instruction changes everything.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Dropping all ideas about right and wrong with the body, what is or is not true, what I deem ugly or unacceptable, I feel freer, full of wonder. Curious, present.

What if the next time you feel overwhelmed with self-criticism about your body, or despair, or you feel craving and hunger, or a pull towards a substance that doesn’t end up well….you just sat there.

And did nothing.

What if the easiest way really is….the easiest way.

Love, Grace

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How Would It Be? Song For You

Today I’m sharing with you all a song that a dear inquirer in the Year of Inquiry program shared with our group.

We call it our Doing The Work theme song.

Who would you be without your sad, hard, agonizing, painful story?

Play it here, and enjoy.

(You can find the artist, Ellis, at ellis-music.com)

The next Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind group begins on Friday, March 7th.

Our small group will meet for a whole year with 3 telegroups per month, from 9-10:30 am Pacific time. With 2 optional in-person retreats in Seattle.

Lucky in YOI

“Thanks for putting up with me. It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!” ~ YOI member

With love, Grace

 

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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The Gentle Overcomes The Rigid

This morning a lovely group of inquirers joined together on the phone to begin an 8 week investigation of our relationship with food, eating and our bodies.

Anyone who shows up to do The Work to look at painful beliefs about food and eating, has usually gone through one heck of a lot with dieting, weight, binge eating, starving.

Because there are a lot of tempting, enticing solutions to this problem with food and eating out there that seem a little easier, clearer, or simpler than questioning your beliefs about food.

There are diet books, diet groups, exercise training programs, meal plans, nutrition coaches. 

And many of them are scientifically sound, really balanced “eating” programs, and of course truly awesome people that help. They seem like doing them will offer THE ANSWER we’re looking for.

When I follow that program, or that diet, that activity…I will succeed. My food problem will be eliminated. Finally.

I remember long ago one day, driving my little Honda car given to me by my parents for college graduation (it took me an extra two years to graduate with my bachelors degree because of my violent relationship with food). 

I had done therapy both individually and with my family, I had gone to O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), I had failed many diets….and I had learned a whole lot. My binge-eating was going down in frequency. Not gone, but I felt better.

I felt the intense craving to eat that afternoon.

I had just been offered a job, after having a very successful interview. But I wasn’t really that happy. I felt scared, like I would make a mistake, like I wasn’t really qualified, like I had tricked them.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job. It was a 45 minute commute to drive there. 

I felt fat that afternoon. And trapped. Life with a regular 9-5 job sounded horrible. 

Which is very discouraging. Dang. I thought I had the eating thing under control. I thought it was over. 

As I drove away from that job offer, on the long drive home, visions of where I could stop to get food floated through my mind. I could feel the mounting urgency, and panic, the thought of tipping over into an eating frenzy. 

And then I passed Weight Watchers. A huge building, with a huge sign. It said there was a “special” sale on memberships.

Fifteen minutes later I was calling my parents from the Weight Watchers parking lot and asking to borrow the money to join. They were both on the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

My dad said, “Weight Watchers? But why now? Aren’t you trying to stop dieting sweetie? It’s not an emergency to join right now, right?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, when I realized they were saying NO, I hung up on them, furious.

I went to the next grocery store and bought a bunch of junk food and started eating through it like it was the last food on earth.

But I knew my parents were right. 

This wasn’t even about food.

You almost have to try at least one food and eating “program” to discover that there is still something unsettled inside you, something deep within, that doesn’t get “fixed” by changing your behavior.

Too bad, right? 

It would have been nice to have the Low Carb diet end all my problems with food, or Weight Watchers, or the South Beach diet. 

But alas…for some of us the programs or diets never quiet seemed to get rid of the difficult relationship with food and eating.

And there is nothing wrong with the programs—they can be awesome, helpful and educational. 

They just didn’t get to the core of the matter for me….my addictive, compulsive THINKING. 

There are solutions for fixing your money, your career, other addictions like alcohol, or your spiritual life….there are numerous programs offered that will help you “get there” to where you want to go.

Recently I heard a wonderful new friend, with experience in this department, say that sometimes, getting set up in a “program” or going on a diet is like mowing the lawn….and there are a lot of dandelions in the lawn. 

When you first mow, all the dandelions get cut, and the grass, and everything looks pretty dang good for a few days. Green and smooth. All cleaned up.

And then the dandelions start poking through, and we know, of course, that under the surface are weeds and roots and tangled up beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. 

And they start to grow.

So the minute I felt afraid, insecure, and super discouraged about my life….like I did that day with getting a job….then here came the usual distraction.

Food entered in for me as an obsessive solution and problem all at the same time.

But if I could have had the Work at the time, my afternoon might have gone very differently. 

I might have recognized in that moment, when my thoughts were screaming “I have to eat food now!” or “I am trapped!” or “I am in danger” or “It has to go the way I want”….

….that I could PAUSE. 

I could ask if it was absolutely true, in that moment, that I was trapped, or that I absolutely had to eat. 

I might have been able to see that without those thoughts, I could sit still and look around. I could stop. 

I might have been able to question whether I really had to take a job I didn’t want…OR, that I wasn’t good enough to do that job. 

Turning the thoughts around, I could find where it was just as true, or truer, to believe the opposites of them all:

I don’t have to eat anything right now, I am free, I am safe, it is going the way I want. 

What if you held in your heart right now that there is nothing you must do, nothing you need to know that you don’t already have, that your mind is able to question and understand itself?

What if you give up helping yourself altogether, chasing for the right solution, to any problem…not just the “eating” problem?

Mysterious. New. Open.

“The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid. Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice. Therefore the master remains serene in the midst of sorrow. Evil cannot enter his heart. Because he has given up helping, he is people’s greatest help. True words seem paradoxical.” ~ Tao Te Ching #78 

Love, Grace

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

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Disaster Creates A Hole God Shines Through

Have you ever had an incident where something of yours was stolen, vanished, taken, or moved….and you became very upset?

All of us have experienced something like this, of course, and often at a very young age.

We’re playing with a fun toy that we love, we have something special that we keep in a secret hidey place, and one day, its gone.

Or another kid (or sibling) comes along and grabs it! Right out of our hand!

The childhood memories often seem unimportant, or forgotten.

And yet, if someone comes along and takes something you believe is yours, right now, as an adult…

….you may notice the same kind of reaction on the inside as when you were a kid.

Panic! Anger! Where’s my thing?!

This is TERRIBLE! I will never find another thing like that one! It was soooo hard to get that thing! That thing cost a lot of money!

It’s *M*I*N*E* !!!

The other day I returned to my little toyota that had been parked on a city street for about five hours, and as I approached, I saw that there was a bunch of stuff on top of the roof.

Hmmm, kinda strange.

Oh look, it was MY stuff, from the inside of my car! Papers, sunglasses, umbrella, mug.

In fact, someone had ransacked the car, every cubby and glove compartment and CD case all torn open, thrown around, strewn over the back seat.

My gym bag was gone. My cool nike shoes!

Nothing was worth much.

EXCEPT THOSE SHOES! ARRGGGGHHH!

But it was almost like the images, the wondering about who was here, who did this, what they were thinking, and where my stuff was NOW would appear as an idea to follow….and then it would sort of fizzle out.

Oddly, within seconds of registering that the shoes were gone, I thought, oh, I’ve been wanting new ones.

But what if I had something really valuable in my car? A new purchase left on the seat? A secret envelope with money?

As I put things back where they were before, I thought about Byron Katie and one of her stories about returning to her home after traveling and finding everything completely gone.

Only mattresses left.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to the highest level!

I’ve been wronged! Disrespected! Attacked! Violated!

The stress rises, the worry, the images, the anger. But instead of riding that very upset horse into the sunset and screaming at the thief, wanting revenge…let’s start questioning.

Let’s see what happens, as we investigate.

Is it true that you have been wronged, violated? Do you really need those things that were once here, which are now somewhere else, apparently?

YES! Of course I need them! Can’t you see what I can’t now do, without those things?! This is BAD. This is serious!

Are you sure?

YES! That piece of jewelry was in my family for three generations! That computer cost me a ton of money! I can’t replace that car! 

I find that when I think about losing things that I value highly, I don’t really, really know that it’s true that the situation is dire, that I can’t go on, or that I can’t live without those things.

I do not know that it is true that this is 100% terrible!

How I react when I believe someone took my stuff and I need it?

Frightened! It could happen again! Angry! I am a victim! Pain, stress, tense!

Who would I be if I didn’t believe at this core, deep level that I have been violated? That I can’t go on, or that this is truly horrible, un-fixable, irreplaceable, impossible?

For me, I see that everything is temporary, when I don’t believe these thoughts.

I see that I am breathing, comfortable, even excited, connected with others….the world is actually full of stuff. Things are all around me, new items entering my life, old items leaving.

Everything changes form. Everything. 

I begin to see evidence of the turnarounds being truer than my thought that this is bad, hard, terrible, wrong.

Perhaps from this (I can see the excitement arising already) comes good, easy, wonderful, right.

Not denial (I still file the police report).

Not passive. Not at all.

Alive, thrilled, happy, creative energy.

“Every disaster, whether on a personal level or on a collective level, it looks dreadful….Often, disaster means that forms dissolve….it’s as if a hole were opening up in the fabric of existence….it’s painful, but that is the hole where God shines through.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even to stop and rest in this a moment, to entertain this possibility that all is ultimately well, that something good can come from this thing that looks like loss….

….you do not have to clap your hands for joy, only open to the idea that loss happens, and so does gain. Always.

Love, Grace