The other day I was remembering how I used to be when I felt upset. I might feel afraid, or angry, hurt, or sad.
Back then, I wouldn’t have any way of considering that I might be filling my entire body, my psyche, my mind, my spirit with frightening images, terrified beliefs, disturbing thoughts.
I might feel terrible because I perceived danger, or something bad had happened. I’d get overwhelmed very fast.
Like those flashes on a screen that cause subliminal desire for popcorn. The mind took in a photo so fast, but your full consciousness didn’t register. You didn’t “know” you were just shown a photo of popcorn.
That’s how my relationship with food felt….like some weird subconscious, uncontrollable cravings or trance-like states would come over me.
It would seem like I just started eating.
When I entered therapy to find help in understanding my behavior, desperate to heal it, I discovered that most of my life I was not sure how I was going to feel from one moment to the next.
And I hated this!
I wanted to feel GOOD, and safe, and loved, and comfortable…all the time.
If I felt unloved, threatened, and uncomfortable….danger.
To change the feelings, eating was my number one go-to activity. If I was angry, I would eat with anger, shoving in food and hardly tasting it. If I was sad, I would eat very comforting foods, more slowly, but eating until stuffed. If I was terrified I would eat quickly, gulping it down, hiding behind a closed curtain in my apartment.
Drinking often worked, too, although I would drink alcohol with other people, not so much alone, and it seemed to make me less nervous around humans.
Smoking had a way of changing the channel as well. Kind of a slow, deep breath, stepping outside somewhere, a way to pause, wait, stop.
But eating. Wow. That was rough! (No kidding, a decade of bingeing, vomiting and hating myself…definitely rough).
An awesome therapist I had suggested keeping a binge journal. Writing down my feelings when I ate cray-cray.
At first, I hated the idea and wouldn’t even do it. Then, I tried reluctantly. I would think “I hate that this is on paper, so embarrassing, so awful.”
But then, as I read my own writing….I discovered that when I overate or had a huge craving to binge, or started graze eating or dreaming of food when I wasn’t hungry….
….I was always afraid, angry, sad, lonely and thinking in pretty extreme ways.
When I got more involved in studying addiction, in graduate school, and by getting close to people in 12 step programs of every kind, I felt a kinship.
I started to realize that I had a very deep and abiding fear of darkness. A dark, gripping, haunting dread of…emptiness, death, destruction, aloneness.
I thought I was alone.
But it turned out, other people felt the same way.
“How do I react when I think the thought? I see the images…and then I experience the emotions….and if I’m an addict, I’ll use. I mean, afterall, life isn’t worth living anyway. I’m so depressed and no one can help me–THIS helps though. So I grab my drug of choice, my drink of choice, my partner of choice, my gaming….We all know how we react when we’re depressed….Anything to change the emotions.” ~ Byron Katie
What was one of the most stressful, painful thoughts that had to be in place to even want to binge eat?
“The world is a dangerous place.”
Killer thought.
It puts you on alert, makes you sad, makes you feel lonely (because Other People are a part of the dangerous world), makes you build your defenses, and work hard at being careful.
So let’s take a look, with The Work.
Is it true that the world is a dangerous place?
Well, duh. The only way out is death. Everyone dies. Everything is temporary. Love is temporary, connection is unstable, people leave, people attack, there’s not enough for everyone, people suffer here!
OK, before you see every image in your mind of death, war, bombs, starvation, disease and terror…..
….see if it’s absolutely true that the world is a dangerous place?
You might still say yes. Accidents can happen here. Right? Although, lots of fun, miraculous, spectacular stuff goes on as well. Life, love, change, evolution, invention, joy.
But. Well. I’m still not sure. I see lots of dangerous stuff in my head.
How do you react when you believe the thought that the world is a dangerous place?
Very careful, cautious, quiet….sometimes grabbing moments of giddiness and connection with other special people (lovers, family, friends), acting like there’s no tomorrow so do whatever today I want, pretending I don’t care.
Who would you be without that belief?
This could take a moment.
Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place? Like all that bad stuff isn’t…dangerous?
Hmmm.
“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast.” ~ Adyashanti
I turn the thought around: the world is a safe place. It is my mind that is a dangerous place.
Well, now, that explains why I am having a horrible time in my apartment, eating, when the person next door is having a wonderful time in theirs.
And this turnaround does not mean I am a terrible person, I’ve just given my mind a terrible project—believe the world is a dangerous place and react when I see the proof that this is true.
I spend time considering that the world is a safe place, is not a dangerous place. I see that the world is indeed a wonderful, safe, amazing place. I’m only here for a short time. How would I know that this isn’t ingenious?
What if that darkness is my friend? Even if I’m not so sure yet…just the very possibility that it is my friend feels…exciting. Thrilling. Joyful.
With the thought that darkness is safe…or at least not dangerous…what do you notice about your urge to eat?
“Some of you, your mind is not open, and don’t expect it to be. There will be windows when you’re willing, just be gentle…..It can only be what I’m thinking and believing that causes depression, not me. Not me.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace