Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

Getting Un-Addicted To Addictive Thinking

Yesterday I received not one, but two letters from participants in the One Year Program of Inquiry that I facilitate.

Our group began meeting in June, and we connect by phone or skype with a different topic each month. Then we’ll meet live and in person in both September and next March (for those who can travel to Seattle).

I’m excited, because a second group will start on Thursdays, Sept 12th in the afternoon instead of the mornings (5:15 to 6:45 pm).

Here is what these sincere inquirers wrote:

Dear Grace,
I am grateful for your classes, and your spirit, and just doing what you do. The relationships I’ve developed through your classes…with you…and others…it’s so amazing how there are now all these like-minded people in my life…and how these relationships of radical openness spill over into “regular” relationships…with [my friend], my sisters, my Mom, Brother in law, nephew…just seems to be more and more a way of being. ~ JB A Year Of Inquiry Program
 
And to our Private Group Forum:
Hi All! I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. (I thank me, too, for this gift to myself:) ~ DS A Year of Inquiry Program
There is no one more grateful and impressed  than ME by the sweet connection, authenticity and determination of the people who chose to join.

The full title of the year is A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. 

(But I like to call it YOI for short. It makes me laugh).

Addictive MIND? But no one in this group is consumed by addictive behavior, or using drugs or alcohol all the time, or engaging in intense or flippant compulsive behavior, or lying in the gutter…..

….they really aren’t.

And yet they answered a call of being invited to join for a full year with fellow passengers on a journey to understand their own compulsive and painful thinking.

They all wanted to investigate the thoughts, ideas and notions that create their own suffering.

They wanted to do it over the passage of time….so that events, changes, or circumstances might occur, and they’d have a support group to work with as life happened.

That’s what I have signed myself up for, as I have worked with groups and teachers being a student of The Life of Grace Bell (whoever that is) and the Human Condition.

Addiction is defined in the dictionary as the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice.

It feels true with thinking sometimes…..have you noticed?

Something alarming happens, someone says something threatening, there is change….and the mind is off and running, believing everything that makes it nervous.

Addictive thinking is that automatic reactive thinking that works faster than the speed of light, it seems, at believing that uncomfortable (or excruciating) things are absolutely true, without stopping to question them.

On the flip side, it is also believing that I want more, and more, and more of the Truth, of feeling good, whatever that may be.

Very tricky mind.

The mind, which appears to have a compulsive way about it, says “grow this beautiful state of experience over here” and then “get away from that nasty experience over there“.

Once when I was in meditation retreat, a man came to the microphone and told his terrible story of heroine addiction.

The teacher, Adyashanti, commented that this man’s addictive process was just like everyone else’s! Even the people trying to catch the drug of spiritual enlightenment and bliss all day long!

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process.” ~ Byron Katie

Once inquiry begins, this way of thinking followed by immediately reacting begins to slow down.

Relaxing becomes possible, without anything needing to change in our environment.

Pain is present still….it appears that this is something that is a part of life. Pain, death, loss, sickness, hardship, fear….all here in this world, in the middle of this life.

The pain of my father’s death, my friend who just died at age 22, the best friend I thought I once knew having committed a stunning betrayal, the man who dramatically threatened to kill himself, the woman who lied, the man who was verbally violent, the desperation of some I have met….

….all so painful. Destruction appears to happen here. Endings. Change. Goodbyes. Beginnings. More Endings.

But ongoing suffering? Ruminating on the past? Thinking about all these painful events over and over? Asking why, endlessly? Trying to avoid them ever ever happening again?

Surrendering, not believing that is it absolutely true that it is all a House of Horrors and a Big Mess….knowing there is nothing I can do about any of it…..the suffering fades away.

I am open to what is mysterious in this moment, the Great Unknown.

I notice I am breathing and still here, today. I notice my heart is beating. Or should I say, “this” heart is beating (I’m quite sure now it is not “mine”).

“Suddenly I realized that what I was addicted to was me–me, the one who was struggling; me, the one who was striving for enlightenment; me, the one who was confused. I was a junkie for me. Even as I was trying to get beyond myself, to break through to a different view, I couldn’t because I was actually addicted to me. And there wasn’t a secret about how to get un-addicted. I had to get to the point where I bottomed out, where I stopped, where I realized that I didn’t know anything.” ~ Adyashanti

Oh boy!

If you’re ready to Un-Know Everything, practice self-inquiry with others, learn to facilitate well, study your thoughts, connect intimately…

….then come join us starting in September for a Year of Inquiry.

YOI for YOU!

Read all about it by clicking here.

And if this group isn’t quite right, check out the other telegroup classes below, find a partner to work with, or just begin by writing down your stressful beliefs and calling the Help Line to speak to a volunteer facilitator (I am sometimes there too!)

Much love, Grace

A One Year Program Starts In April

Today just a quick announcement to say that I’ll finally be offering a program I’ve been thinking and dreaming about for many years:

A One Year Program For The Addictive Mind

A small group will join together to do The Work of Byron Katie on all the topics, thoughts, and beliefs that create stress in our lives.

All the pain that creates addiction, whether it is to a substance, an activity, relationships, or MORE thinking.

We’ll work on the same general topics together every month, meeting via teleconference, and there will be two in-person residential retreats as a part of the program.

Can you imagine having a group meet in this powerful way to question every part of the thinking that results in compulsive behavior, more compulsive thinking, and sadness, anger, or anxiety?

I really can’t wait!

Tentative start date is April Fools Day (the best!) with the teleconferences. Retreats will be in September 2013 and March 2014.

Many more details to follow on my website in the next few weeks…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, if you’re suffering because you’re addicted to your story, you can’t stop thinking and thinking, you can’t stop whatever it is you do that hurts….

You can do The Work right now, in this moment by asking yourself if it is true, that thing you’re thinking. Is it absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt?

“If we really address the whole issue of suffering, as well as our desire and yearning for freedom, love and connection, then we need to learn how to look clearly at our own minds.”~Adyashanti

Love, Grace