In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.
It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.
The craving gets bigger.
Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.
I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.
Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.
So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).
Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.
What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?
These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.
Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.
Last week I was traveling and facilitating a retreat (in Oregon at Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center).
Yesterday I was out in the city to dance and meet friends for a birthday dinner.
We all move about, in and out of our houses. Food is out there, at home, on tables, and often easily acquired–especially for those in first world countries like me. Super abundance of food options and eating is all around.
When you’ve had an internal war with eating, your body image, or food itself….it often doesn’t feel good to be out away from home, and your safe refrigerator and pantry.
But who would you be without the belief you need to worry, you have to control the environment or the food, you must be anxious about you and food in any situation?
It doesn’t mean you don’t take good care of yourself and move towards what you need or away from what hurts when it comes to food and eating.
This is about finding truly, deeply what you need.
For me, it was always relaxation. Trust. Peace. Resting with what is. It doesn’t mean I’m passive and never speaking up for what I prefer or desire, or not acknowledging I’m hungry, or full.
When I relax fully, I’m actually free to ask for anything.
Here’s one of my favorite meditations or ideas to carry with me wherever I go. It’s called “Lie Down”.
Do it for real, on the floor or couch, or do it on the inside.
And see what happens with your fearful dilemmas about eating, not eating, foods, ingredients, body, fat, thin, weight.
One of the top three stressful beliefs people shared when I asked what bothers them the most on a regular basis was “I drink or eat too much.”
I sure do know the pain of these. Not fun.
Now, this doesn’t have to be huge over-use, alcoholism, disordered eating, crazed bingeing, or very extreme behavior (like I myself experienced)….to be stressful.
Simply consuming when we said we didn’t want to, or wouldn’t, can start setting up a cycle of regret, frustration, and self-talk that says “I’m not good enough” or “I made a mistake”.
Usually, I’ve found there’s something very compelling, something I’m looking for or seeking, something I’m trying to avoid (or so the mind thinks) that becomes worth the act of consuming.
You know what the substance does.
At first, just for a moment, it offers some relief, it tastes so good, it’s pleasurable, the body relaxes. Yum. Ahhhh. Relief from tension.
Then, it wears off. The moment of pleasure moves to the next phase. Difficult digestion, bloating, restless sleep, dehydrated.
We’re so upset, we wonder “Why did I drink that again? Why did I eat that again? There must be something wrong with me!”
But instead of jumping to the conclusion that you are flawed, you can study the process and wonder to yourself “What is happening before I decide to consume this thing, that I would ditch feeling good physically and use this thing to get some pleasure, or relief?”
What’s going on in my day, in my week, in my mind, in my thinking….that says “eat, drink, smoke, TV, internet” or whatever your thing is?
What’s missing?
What am I worried about?
What’s the worst that could happen if I stop consuming this thing, substance, activity altogether in this moment?
Often people reach for their favorite relaxers when they have unscheduled time, at the end of the work day, at night, when they’re alone without obligations.
Just last night, my back was a little achy, I had a wonderful day with clients and projects and exercise midday….but I remained at the table with the laptop, working on something. My husband was waiting to take a walk. The clock passed 8:30 pm, then 9:00 pm, then at 9:25 pm I looked up and called out to him in the other room “I’m almost ready” (he is very patient).
Ten more minutes before I stood up and put on my jacket.
It appears in my evenings (this is not the first time) I’m unable again to pause, stop, relax, switch gears and end the work day.
What’s going on?
If you’re wondering about yourself, you can answer the question…what’s the worst that could happen in your mind and thoughts, if you stop?
If you stop eating, working, drinking, smoking….what is terrible about this mentally? What would you experience?
Now don’t just go and say “Nothing would be terrible about it! I’d love it! I’d finally be happy! I’d be doing something right!”
Now, now. This is the way we often think that covers up the underlying fear about what could happen if we stop.
You’re not crazy. There is actually a reason or thought process underway that repeatedly thinks if you stop enacting your compulsive behavior, consuming, watching, eating, busy-ing, there will be hell to pay.
So in my case, what’s the worst that could happen in my thinking if I stopped working?
I’d feel anxious. I’d want those tasks done. I wouldn’t be able to sit still with unfinished projects half completed. I’d think the empty space should be filled with something. I should accomplish something.
This can be a huge source of stress, and even a sense of profound powerlessness for people, the thought “I should be doing something productive.”
The mental judgment that what you should be doing ought to be productive, and sitting still isn’t productive, relaxing isn’t of benefit, doing nothing isn’t good.
Let’s inquire.
Is it true that doing nothing is bad or wrong? Is it true you should be doing something?
Yes!
Can you absolutely know you should be doing something productive?
No. It wouldn’t make sense to be producing 24/7. It’s not possible. It’s not balanced.
What happens when you think this thought?
I press on, push myself, think, make lists, check them off. If I sit still or do something different, I can’t stop thinking about doing something.
I battle with the desire to rest. In the past, I would begin to eat, and eat more. I’d watch a movie in the dark. Anything to avoid doing the things I thought I should be doing. I’d rebel! Anger would arise! I’ll do whatever I want! (Consume).
Who would you be without this thought that you should be doing something productive and acting like a good citizen?
Oh. Huh. Never thought of that before.
Let go of believing I should be accomplishing something? Is that OK?
I once had a friend who couldn’t stop cleaning, scrubbing, doing dishes, polishing even if I came over for dinner. She appeared unable to sit at the table with me and enjoy a conversation. When she stopped, she stepped out onto the balcony for a cigarette. The only way to pause.
Who would we be without the belief we should be Doing?
Wow.
Part of my mind moves to imagining I’d get depressed. You mean nothing is required, and there’s nothing to do? But. Don’t I matter? Isn’t this all about making a difference? I feel so good when I complete a major project, or do something cool. Isn’t that what all the great successful people are doing? Constantly accomplishing things?
Without the thought I should be accomplishing, I might fizzle into nothing and die!
Haha! (It’s true! We will all fizzle and die, at least this body will.)
Who would you really, really be without worrying about what your mind has to say if you unplug, rest, relax, stop?
I’d notice we get tired, go to sleep, shut down AND we “do” every single day. I’d be moved to work when I wanted to work, without forcing, being rigid. I’d be more caring for this body. I would have no urgency.
Turning this thought around: I should NOT be accomplishing something. I should be accomplishing nothing.
Yes. My greatest desire is to be with everything, open to all that is in this world, and to experience the joy of being here for this temporary time. One thing I always wanted was being comfortable doing nothing.
Not contending with anything, not fighting anything (including this mind), not believing things will be better, later, once I finish the task…but to enjoy the laundry, the writing, each client, sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, sitting on my couch, walking, sleeping…without expectation. Noticing.
Loving What Is.
Including empty unscheduled time, rest, slowing down, the space of stillness. No need to consume something or reach for pleasure, but allowing the quiet to be here now, even in the midst of a mind screaming that you need to do something.
Do you have to believe everything you think?
Ahhhh.
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~ Lao Tsu
Long ago, I was given a book called “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”.
What an cool title.
And what a difficult thing to actually experience.
You mean….even if you knew me and you didn’t like what you saw, or felt, or knew about my thoughts, it’s none of my business? You mean, you can go on doing whatever you’re doing over there, and I don’t need to respond or pay attention to every nuance or tone of your voice? You mean, I don’t have to be hyper-alert to everything you do?
But! I’m worried about hurting your feelings, or you being mean to me, or you abandoning me! I’m worried about doing it wrong, or screwing up, or making a mistake.
In fact, I think it WILL be a mistake if you’re disturbed by something I say, do, feel, show, think.
So I better keep it on the low down! I better be very quiet, hide it, act like I’m nice even if I don’t feel nice.
Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll ACT like I’m fine, comfortable, non-judgmental….even if I am NOT fine, uncomfortable and very judgmental.
Ouch.
The thing is, when you try to hide the truth of what you’re honestly feeling and thinking, you will likely begin to feel like over-eating, or eating for comfort or distraction, rather than eating for fuel.
Which isn’t fun.
There may be a bump in the road to learn, and it’s called Being Honest.
Who would you be without the belief that you actually need to hide your true thoughts in order to be safe, secure, comfortable, or happy?
It’s not easy, but you may find, it’s worth it. Because when you tell the truth, without shame, and with the desire for connection and honesty with another….
….you’ll likely find you don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.
THAT makes it worth it.
Watch here for insight on being yourself, in the presence of other people:
If you live far away or can’t attend this in-person workshop, I’ve had lots of requests for an online mini-retreat in Eating Peace. These are generally a modest fee, and 3 hours online (audio only). If you’ve never done something online for 3 hours….you’ll probably be amazed at how the time flies. You can set it up for yourself from your own home and create uninterrupted time for yourself.
I’m taking a poll for your favorite option. Head HERE if you’d like to vote.
One of the biggest, grandest, big-behemoth stressful thoughts that lead to stressful eating?
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
This can be a constant thought, returning every time you gain weight or are at your “highest” weight or on the upside of the roller coaster ride, or when you see yourself in the mirror randomly and you normally don’t even think this thought.
It’s very stressful.
The thing is, we think we NEED this thought in order to be inspired or motivated to be thin. We think we have to be aggressive and intense with our minds.
How could we possibly give up this thought? How could we give up the thought we need to fix something, anything…whether weight or some kind of behavior around health and the body. I need to exercise, I need to eat healthy, I need to read every label, I need to do it right, I absolutely must appear “thin”.
It’s true! It’s true!
But what if you allowed that thought to settle down a moment and you didn’t have it?
What many people find, is a little more to look at.
Wow…what if I gave this up? Then what? I notice I still want to be more balanced, more peaceful with eating and food and this body.
What if it’s my thinking that needs to lose weight….especially about this whole weight loss thing?
If I had taken weight loss and thinness less seriously when I was 8 years old (the first time I was alarmed that I might be too fat) I might not have even moved in the direction I moved.
I may not have even developed an eating disorder or a yo-yo eating plan, or starvation vs stuffed. Although, I am now incredibly and deeply grateful for having that disorder because it was so extreme, it brought me to my knees which ultimately was an incredible give of letting go of control.
What a painful story it is to need to lose weight….but if you find yourself thinking it, you might begin to wonder why you have it so strongly?
What would you have, if you had this lower weight? What would it give you? What is your identity saying is required, for happiness?
If you were given the choice to have peaceful, simple, beautiful, loving eating for the rest of your life….with zero weight loss….would you take it?
If you say “no” then you might want to dig a little deeper into why you believe you need to keep this suffering. Just saying.
For the many people who have emailed asking for the replay link for the Eating Peace Masterclass, here it is: Watch here.
(Yes, you submit your email and you’ll get all the information in your Inbox. You can unsubscribe to any future emails from me immediately by unsubscribing, or updating your preferences, at the bottom of any email you get).
Someone had a wonderful and fascinating question: Can I take the Eating Peace Process and apply it to my break-up in a love relationship?
How fascinating, because what this person can tell by knowing about self-inquiry, is that the feeling of addiction, craving, reaching, and agony around your target of choice….can vary widely.
Her “target” (the thing desired) was LOVE. Keeping it. Getting it. Upset about love gone wrong.
Somehow, a deep inner target or desire we have, no matter what the things, seems to reach for attention, appreciation, approval, acceptance, pleasure.
Now, I’m not sure the Eating Peace program specifically would work for the sense of being addicted to stressful stories about love relationships and worry about loss in that department….
….but this inquirer was onto something as she noticed that wanting a relationship to be a certain way felt like an addiction or compulsion.
Whew.
Most of us have probably noticed from time to time (or a whole lot) that you’re THINKING about something AGAIN, and you wish you weren’t.
It feels like you can’t stop thinking about it.
(When can I get some cookies, how can I get him/her, I need to keep consuming this, I need to keep texting him/her, I need to get rid of what I ate, I need to get him/her out of my life, I need to fix myself so I stop craving, I need to fix myself so I stop liking him/her).
Here’s something you can do as you notice your thoughts arise.
It’s kind of simple: Write Them Down.
Allow your thoughts to be petty, ridiculous, desperate, needy. Write down what you want that person or the food to do, be like, offer, give you.
What would it feel like, if you got what you wanted? What would you have, if you had it?
If you NEVER got it, what would be terrible about it? If you never received, acquired, consumed this thing you want, how painful would it be? Would you go mad with frustration?
What else would come to the surface, if you did NOT get what you believe you want to relieve the craving? (Don’t just jump to thinking “That would be GREAT!”)
Study yourself and your compulsive moments. You are the One you’ve been waiting for. You’re the one with the best answers for yourself.
You question your own thoughts, the ones YOU notice in your mind….you answer the questions with YOUR answers, which also appear in your brilliant willing mind.
Welcome to The Work.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Wonderful small group starting tomorrow in the Eating Peace Process. You start with your own work in writing on the weekend. We meet for the first week live on Tuesday evenings and/or Thursday mornings. Compulsive thoughts about food can be so painful. If you’re ready to go in and explore the root of the addictive process, join us here.
One of my favorite Byron Katie prompts or questions to help dig down into The Work is:
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
The “it” of course, is your stressful belief.
What does it mean, if it’s true? What do you think it means about you, or about other people (or that one other person you’re concerned about)?
What are all the meanings you give this thought?
This question comes in especially handy if you think something stressful is a solid fact, not open to interpretation.
Some examples:
I am going to die. My car tire went flat. I tore my hamstring. The carpet needs vacuuming. I weigh 500 pounds. It’s raining. I have $10.19. I got married. I moved to a cottage. My husband went to live in Timbuktu. She has cancer.
If you notice something seems like an irrefutable fact, a simple fact, a thought you can’t argue with….
….and yet you notice you feel stress or pain when you think it or write it….
….it may be time to answer that question about what you think it means, if this is 100% true?
Last night I got to spend a beautiful evening at a local bookstore where I live called East West Books.
Inquirers both familiar and brand new to me came to gather and do their work about food, eating and body image.
Several of them shared their brilliantly honest worksheets about their weight, the food they feel pulled to eat, a body part they hate seeing in the mirror.
The work on the thoughts brought forward was quite incredible.
But I especially loved one woman’s thoughts about having too much weight on her body.
“I am too fat”.
And what do you think it means about you, about other people, about your life?
Deep breath.
Ouch. Because here’s what she said, and it reminded me of my own mind attacking itself for what it thought was true.
It means I am guilty, I am wrong, my life isn’t good, I’m not happy, I can’t wear fun clothes, I can’t be seen on the beach (another inquirer quietly uttered the word “whale” about his own appearance in a bathing suit), I can’t stop worrying and thinking about food.
For some others, being heavy or assuming you’re fat means….
….no one will love you. People will criticize you. No one will be attracted to you or date you. People will think you’re lazy, or greedy.
One thing I suggest is finding a moment in time where you first learned this thought that you are indeed too heavy.
Who did you hear it from?
Because you didn’t have the belief when you were born, that’s for sure.
Where’s your proof that fatness or heaviness or something-wrong-with-this-body is actually the case here?
(If you have a vivid image, like someone else in the group last night did, of mom saying “you are too big to have stripes that circle your body, you need vertical stripes only!” at age 7, then you might have a perfectly clear moment for a situation to investigate with The Work).
When you write down what you’re thinking, the thoughts are caught on paper, not zipping out of the air around the corner.
You’re too ____. (In this case, fat).
Is it true?
No.
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Horrible. Heavy. Despairing. So I go eat to get some sweetness and feel better.
Who would you be without this story of “I am _____” (fat, thin, tall, short, old, young, smart, dumb, sick, stupid…..and on an on, you pick your most frequent flyer).
Who would you be without the story of “I am too fat”?
Going about my business. Playing more. Doing art. Spending time with friends. The woman voicing The Work for everyone present last night said “I’d probably know a lot more people”.
Turning the thought around: I am NOT too fat. My THINKING is too fat.
Yes. My thoughts are heavy, dense, thick like flies surrounding the body, buzzing and yelling at it all the time. My thoughts are big, extra, overloaded, especially when it comes to the body. They’re focused on the body, not life, not expanding in other areas besides the body!
With the thought? Pain and suffering.
Without the thought? Light, free, living life.
“You’re either believing your thoughts, or questioning them….no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
It may be quite disturbing at first to write down such a thought as “I am too fat”. It can be frustrating to even think about it all over again, and realize, as you write, how much you HATE this problem that’s been here since childhood.
But would you rather write down your thoughts and then take them one by one through the inquiry process known as The Work (it is work, after all) or keep on believing them?
Just saying.
If you’re twisted up about this topic in any way, if you’ve found yourself eating from one end of the refrigerator to the other, if you’re wondering more deeply about the connection between your weight or your eating and your thoughts….
….and accessing peace with eating, your body, food….
….the Eating Peace Process Online begins on Saturday.
Everyone enrolled receives their first writing exercise on Saturday and the first “lesson” for looking at the food, eating, body, mind. Our first calls are Tuesday 1/17 at 5:30 pm, and Thursday 1/19 8:30 am. If you’re in the program, you can come to one or both (everything’s recorded).
I can’t wait to share the practices and exercises that worked best for me in my own healing journey, so you can choose what to take into yours.
And the most important practice of all, the cornerstone of the Eating Peace Program…..The Work of Byron Katie.
Read in detail about it here. Join me if it’s time.
I should be different when it comes to “x”. What if this isn’t true, for some important reason?
It’s weird how agonizing thoughts that conflict with one another can be sometimes.
On the one hand, I know it would be great to lift weights again. It’s been a few years. You’re supposed to lift weights when you get older, right? Build calcium or something?
On the other hand, how boring can you get…..lifting weights, ugh.
I remember being in a decision dilemma about my old job.
On the one hand, I’ve got great health care benefits, awesome co-workers and boss, nice environment (there’s a fountain named Grace on the campus, how sweet is that?) and a solid paycheck every two weeks.
On the other hand, I commute every day sometimes for an hour, I don’t have enough time for my other pursuits including my business, the actual work is kind of boring.
You could go this way.
Or you could go that way.
You’re free to make the decision. You’re completely and utterly free to do as you wish.
Or…..are you?
What if you feel uncomfortable or stuck, but for some weird reason, you do NOT make a move, or make a change?
What if you’re believing an underlying stressful story, and you’re not even brightly aware of the story?
(What if all you do is attack yourself viciously….why can’t you fix this, or move on, or stop thinking about it, wake up, get a grip, CHANGE?! Jeez! Fume, fume, fume.)
But what if there are a few things to explore and dig into under the surface, things you may find a little uncomfortable to address or even “see” in the first place, that all contribute to this stuck-ness you’re experiencing?
What if there was something that yelling at yourself was hiding?
For example….eating too much.
(I know, my favorite topic, what can I say….I was a nut case for years with eating).
You know you should lose weight, you know it doesn’t serve you to binge-eat, you know you need to stop starving yourself to death and then overeating, you know you need to quit the junk food at night….
….and you might even do The Work on some of the thoughts that appear, such as “I should lose weight” or “I need to eat that food” or “I should go outside and exercise” or “I’m a loser” and find the turnarounds and notice, nothing changes.
Not that there’s anything wrong with doing The Work on those powerful and stressful beliefs.
However….your mind may be brilliantly distracting you with these first thoughts that appear. The ways to FIX this situation. It’s off the to races on what you need to do, say, think, feel in order to change this (especially the “do” part), without really looking deeply at what’s actually going on for you.
So of course, when you fall into this “FIX IT NOW” way of viewing your problem, when you have urgency and fear about your situation or condition, the weird thing is often when there are underlying beliefs that oppose the surface beliefs…..not much may change.
Fear kind of has a way of blocking things from sight. Clever energy, fear.
I speak for myself.
Some time ago, as I’ve mentioned before, I had a raging eating disorder.
Can you imagine how many times I said “I am going to stop this” (starving, overeating, binge-eating)? Yes. about a million.
It was not until someone very wise got to know me, and cared about me, and suggested I might be adapting to something completely different that had nothing to do with food and eating….that I began to consider what it was like to be close with people.
What was I afraid of, that overrode the desire to stop the insane cycle of eating the way I did?
What was the worst that could happen, if I DID stop binge-eating?
You might ask yourself a similar question, even if you don’t have an eating issue: What’s the WORST that could happen if I quit my job, do what I want to do, leave home, start a business, go to the gym, write every day, lose weight, quit drinking coffee?
But those things are all soooooo wonderful. I should do them, it will be good for me, I’ll succeed.
Are you absolutely sure?
Long ago, I discovered that I was actually nauseated to confront someone in my group therapy and tell the truth and speak directly to them about what I wasn’t comfortable with. If someone confronts me, I still feel anxious initially, even now.
If someone says what they don’t like, and I’ve done it, I feel terrified of disappointing them. I feel frightened they’ll attack me, or slink away and never talk with me again.
I was so very committed to NOT BEING A DISRUPTIVE or MEAN or UNLIKABLE or REJECTABLE person, I would do anything, including not actually have friends and eat in secret instead.
Anything to avoid being dismissed or disliked. Anything to get rid of anger and rage (overeating really helped, and vomiting too). Anything to slip under the radar of the judgments of others (namely, mom, dad, grandparents). Anything to stay as safe as possible, in an unsafe, judging world.
Including risk my life by stuffing myself with food and forcing myself to vomit or exercise like a maniac.
You might not have such an extreme case of avoidant beliefs, but if you have something you keep repeating, or don’t act upon, or don’t do even though you know you’d feel happier (you think) or some way you procrastinate, hurt yourself, avoid action….
….there may be a very important frightening story you’d kinda sorta rather not look at, if you please.
But looking will make all the difference.
Not long ago, I realized I have been carrying the thought around “if I stop and slow down, it could be dangerous (money loss, failure, boredom, lack of creativity, fading into oblivion). So I really need to keep up this pace and work all the time. No extra meditations. No reading for pleasure. No netflix. No movies. Morning coffee required.
Who would I be without that story?
“Your suffering may be caused by a thought that interprets what happened, rather than the thought you wrote down….When your statement is about something you think you don’t want, read it and imagine the worst outcome that reality could hand you. Imagine your worst fears lived out on paper. Be thorough. Take it to the limit.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
This work is not always easy. I notice, there’s sometimes initial resistance and refusal inside me to want to look.
It’s like…..NOOOOOOOOO.
And then, when there’s no other alternative (there isn’t, unless I prefer to suffer)…..The Work.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. One spot just opened up in the Eating Peace Retreat–a cancellation. If eating, food or your body image is one of your dilemmas, we’re going in to find out what we’re believing, and what’s really true. Join me January 19-22 in Seattle. To find out more, visit here.
P.P.S. If money is a problem, I’m doing a 4 week money class by donation. To read about it and to sign up, visit here.
A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).
The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….
….is being with yourself compassionately.
Like the way you are with other people.
You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.
Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.
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Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).
And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.
You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.
It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.
But there is another option.
You actually take this other option all the time.
It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.
It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).
Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.
Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….
….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!
Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?
Where do I begin?
Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.
You might notice the same.
Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.
Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!
But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….
….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….
….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.
You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.
Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.
Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.
Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.
Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.
It’s a diversion.
OK? Agreed?
Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.
Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.
This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.
Because what do experts say, quite often?
Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.
To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).
So, follow along with me here.
Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.
Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:
What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?
As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.
For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.
Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).
What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?
Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.
Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.
You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).
So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?
Then…you can answer this next interesting question:
What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?
So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?
I know.
If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.
I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.
But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.
What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?
What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?
What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?
What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?
As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.
One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.
I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.
So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).
Now my behavior was very extreme.
This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).
If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….
….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.
What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?
It’s your teacher.
Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.
As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.
Been there.
You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.
Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).
What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?
Study your fears.
I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.
They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.
How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?
This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….
….but I say, run with it.
Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”
Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).
Who would you be without your story?
You’d be living your turnarounds.
“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell
And the best news of all?
The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.
One of my favorite Byron Katie prompts or questions to help dig down into The Work is:
