Tag: compulsion

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The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Is your vulnerable, weak spot causing your craving?

Most of us who eat or do compulsive things for emotional reasons are trying very hard to adapt to difficult situations.

Maybe there’s a particular experience you feel really, really vulnerable about.

Like….please, I don’t ever want this to happen.

For me, one of my vulnerable spots was that I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t someone to feel complete lack of forgiveness towards me. I don’t want to have no recourse, or be unable to make it up to them, if I do something “wrong”.

Very, very stressful.

It went back a long, long way into my history.

It felt like a core, gut feeling I had for my entire life.

If you give yourself the attention, the care, the compassion to look at your own places of vulnerability….

….maybe even the “special” two or three you repeat over and over….

….you may find something amazing happen.

You stop craving food. You stop feeling so compulsive.

Ask this one question when you feel like overeating, or doing something to soothe yourself emotionally that isn’t really that good for you (drinking, smoking, hooking up, spending).

Peace,

Grace

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Eating Peace: You don’t have to get it all figured out to find peace….Do This.

People ask me from time to time….how will I ever figure all my thinking out, find all the awareness I need.

Like, will I need to write things in a journal forever? Will my thoughts never end? What if I’m sick of analyzing myself?

Here’s something short and sweet to do when it comes to compulsion.

It’s he one thing you really need, to discover peace.

Much love, Grace

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Acting crazy with compulsion? There’s one other alternative….only one

Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try but Inquiry.
Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try…except Inquiry.

Today I can’t wait to be at East West Bookstore in Seattle doing a little mini 3 hour workshop on eating, body image and our relationship to food…..and how to enter peace instead of war.

Doing The Work is of course my favorite tool and method of inquiry for working with stressful beliefs, and naturally inquiry is what we’ll be doing in the workshop.

HOWEVER.

When it comes to addiction, fear, compulsive behavior of any kind….

….when we’re doing things we hate ourselves for later, feeling needy, feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling like we want to escape or attack (the perfect pain points for addictive or compulsive behavior)….

….then it’s often hard to find WHAT it is you’re troubled by?

What would make me troubled enough to overeat when I don’t really want to, or smoke, or drink, or start house-cleaning, or surf the internet, or try to find someone to hook up with?

The thing is, moving into your compulsive favorite thing to do, if you have one (most people do, some are more destructive than others) is a REACTION to a belief you’re thinking.

You’ve already bought the belief.

You already assume it’s true, and it’s frightening, aggravating, infuriating, and it feels hopeless.

So you do the behavior instead (in my case, I ate, and sometimes drank or smoked cigarettes or over-exercised).

It kind of works for a little bit, when you’re hunting down the substance and caught in the energy of your compulsive pattern.

When I went into the addictive behavior, I would not be aware any more of what was bothering me, and instead, I’d be thinking about eating, the food I would buy, the taste, smell and feeling of it as I devoured it. The anticipation was all-consuming and overwhelming. It was mesmerizing. Obsessive. Nothing else existed hardly, except getting my fix.

With such a wild energy taking over, the energy we’re calling “addictive”, it is actually a bit tricky and difficult to put on the brakes and see what’s hidden.

Why?

Because what’s hidden is SO PAINFUL.

I’d rather not take a look at it. Do I have to? Can’t I just eat instead? Or get stoned? Or run 10 miles and beat my body into a pulp of exhaustion? Or have sex in a bathroom with a stranger?

You can. I did.

But it wasn’t ultimately satisfying. It was shameful, embarrassing, I felt horrible later, and it kept me on the cycle I refer to as CRIME – GUILT – PUNISHMENT.

You committed a crime, you’re guilty, you must be punished. You feel horrible and gross, you vow never to do it again, and then….

….the background underground haunted old pain starts to wake up, since you’re not busy hating yourself as much, and it starts to get louder.

Sooner or later, when it gets too loud to tolerate, you need to do the thing again, the thing that helps you forget about it.

Let me tell you, I am so happy not to be in that severe cycle anymore I kiss the ground with gratitude.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do it in smaller, much more subtle doses. For example, I’ve noticed a tendency to compulsively try to be pleasing to people so they’ll relax, calm down, like me, or become safer for me. This compulsion to be in communication with others in a pleasing way shows up sometimes by me withholding what I really want, or not saying what’s really true. (We’ll talk about that another day).

Here’s what’s important for stopping a cycle of compulsive thinking, and then compulsive acting, that zips you away from seeing what you ultimately really WANT to see, even if it’s painful.

First, decide you want to see what’s going on, what’s hidden. Part of you already DOES want to see it….encourage that part.

Then, notice these two options.

Old Way, Defensive Way, Conditioned Way (called “Believing Your Thoughts”):

  1. You feel something uncomfortable. It’s stressful.
  2. You feel scared you did something wrong, or you’re being rejected or you’re a bad person.
  3. You quick move to the other person or people involved.They’re doing it wrong….not just you. They might be the primary ones to blame.
  4. Run away from those people, they’re bad, OR, Fight those people, they’re bad.
  5. Deal with your anxiety, or the sense you’ve had a close call with something frightening by _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite compulsion: eat, drink, sex, smoke, read, internet, spend)
  6. Forget about it all for awhile. Relief. Oblivion.

New Way, Loving Way, Freedom Way (called “Questioning Your Thoughts”):

  1. You feel something. It’s stressful.
  2. You feel scared you’re doing something wrong, or you’re being rejected, or you’re a bad person—or that someone else is.
  3. Pause. Write down your thoughts. What’s disturbing you?
  4. Do The Work and answer the four questions, innquiring about yourself with curiosity and self-care, and compassion.
  5. Notice that you’re OK without doing anything. See if you can BE. Use your speedy fast mind and your imagination to wonder what it would be like without your story? What if you’re not seeing the whole picture, or the true picture?
  6. Clearly see options for yourself you didn’t see before. Notice how dealing with your internal world is what you always wanted, not to run away from it. Notice how brilliant you’ve been so far with your compulsions, and now, you’re becoming aware of a more expansive view. You are safe.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the old way, the old pattern, it’s just a matter of time until you DO your compulsive behavior again.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the new, alternative way, you often take action. You go back to the person you’re most afraid of, and ask them any questions perhaps. You say “no” or you say “yes” with much greater clarity. You no longer feel confusion. You ask for what you need more directly. You get help.
Which way seems like the better one, the more interesting way, the more fun way?
I really had no other option if I wanted to stay alive, than to take the second road, even though part of me wanted to Not Look and thought it was easier following the first road.
It wasn’t.
It was hell.
Who would you be with inquiry, instead of believing your stressful stories?
Caring far more about my thinking, than what I’m eating or not eating, doing or not doing.
“You’re either believing your thoughts, or you’re questioning them.There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Meditation for Self-Inquiry and Emotional Eating

Let’s be honest. It sounds good to meditate, or be a meditator.

Someone who is quiet, at peace with silence, so comfortable they can sit still with themselves for hours.

When you’ve experienced compulsion for anything though….

….that fiery, pushing, wanting, intense craving to eat it, get it, hunt it down, consume it….

….then meditating is the LAST thing on your mind.

But what if it didn’t have to be?

What if you called “meditation” an act of Not Responding to the thoughts in your head about what you need or don’t need in order to be happy?

I know it’s hard to actually sit down….so here are a few ideas for at least slowing down, and two techniques you can find out more about.

Much love, Grace

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Is it a stressful story, or a wishing rock?

without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock
without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock

You might be able to tell, there’s a theme lately going on in Grace Notes or Eating Peace videos on youtube.

Retreat.

On the inside.

But you may not be so happy about that theme if you feel like you’re not doing it right.

If you feel like you’re completely pissed off, agitated, anxious or depressed. Or on attack mode (the opposite of retreat) running forward trying to get it handled, or fixed, or done forever.

I get it.

The other day I thought a stream of thoughts, all of which were along the same vein….

….like the way there are veins in the old granite rock up near Ross Lake in the wilderness, driving distance from my home.

Up near Ross Lake, huge slabs of rock are exposed, with a highway cutting through the edge that winds up through the mountains.

College and high school classes go there for the observation and learning about geology of the region, where the under-layers of earth pushed and cracked to the surface and became exposed.

Huge veins of deep or light color run through the rock.

Like the pebbles you see on beaches that have one line running through the pebble that’s different from the rest of the rock, making the pebble appear to have a ring around it.

Since I was little, the kids all said “pick up this kind of pebble, make a wish, and throw it over your left shoulder into the water….your wish will come true.”

Wishing rocks.

Who said so?

Maybe someone many generations back, or far, far back into so many years ago we don’t even remember.

That one thread running through the rock was so solid, so beautiful, so permanent, so colorful.

As I was noticing a thread of thinking running through my own mind, I suddenly had the vision of one of these pebbles….

….or a whole side of a mountain, like near Ross Lake, that had a thick vein of color running through it in massive proportion.

My thoughts were thick and tight and strong, and repetitive, like this vein.

Sigh.

They went like this:

Life is kind of dull, like the weather. I don’t feel like (fill in the blank). Maybe I should get a different regular normal job (I always love when this thought comes in). How about a cup of coffee? Yeah, that’s it. It’s not possible to be on retreat at all times. It’s too boring, too slow, and not practical. There are too many things I want to do in life, and I need to clean. And pay bills. My cottage is too small. The carpet needs vacuuming. Nothing ever works out perfectly.

Yeah.

It was that self-piteous. Piss. Moan.

It continued.

My clients and students who are angry right now, or having a hard time, especially those who experience a contentious relationship with eating?

There’s no solution. They’re right. Life is hard. Holidays are difficult. Family is troubling. People are complicated. Addiction is not easy to overcome. Compulsion is too strong to address. It’s too hard to change one’s story. 

And while we’re at it, can I mention that I hate shopping?

BEEEEEEEPPPPPP.

Did you hear the loud horn?

It was the kind that is built to scare away bears in the wilderness.

You hear it?

It means “stop now”.

Because these kinds of thoughts are strong, compelling and they have babies faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

(Which, by the way, do you know where the saying comes from “faster than you can say Jack Robinson?” From the 1600s in England. Talk about passing along ancient impressive history and old stories through phrases, like the line in the hard rock lasting for generations into the future, even if we no longer know who Jack Robinson is anymore).

Pause.

Even though everything is happening.

Even though you are getting on and off airplanes, or wishing you could and you aren’t.

Even though you are upset with the weather, and worried about global warming, and its not snowing where you live anymore, or snowing too much.

Even though you were fired, or your love of you life divorced you. Even though you lost your hearing, or your health. Even though you can’t read every amazing classic book ever written. Even though you don’t know what to get your kid for Christmas. Even though you’re sick of decorations all around you when you do not even celebrate this holiday. Even though you ate too many cookies at the office party.

Just stop.

Do you notice how you react when you think it’s hopeless?

Do you notice what happens in your body when you believe the world is a dangerous place, or disappointing?

Ow.

When I believe these kinds of thoughts, there’s a crushing weight of self-criticism, responsibility, grief.

So who would you be without these thoughts?

Without beliefs that pack tightly together and create a line inside a rock?

What if you just caught that chatter that says “I’m sick of it” and wonder who you are without the belief?

Because there are already huge parts of you without the belief.

My pinky finger on my right hand, for example, doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

I also didn’t have these thoughts yesterday when curling up in bed to go to sleep after a productive day.

I didn’t have the thought when walking into the gym, or listening to one of my best friend’s messages about her own thoughts with love and acceptance.

Or when I noticed the beauty of red car tail lights filling the night streets. I’m not kidding.

You don’t even really have to work so incredibly hard to wonder what it would be like to not have these kinds of solid, ancient thoughts.

Because there is already a great part of you, far bigger than the energy of this thinking, that doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

Who are YOU anyway, who believes it has stressful thoughts?

Are you sure YOU have them?

Where are they?

I notice they are only an energy, zipping through.

I notice they only come into vein-formation if I begin to follow them, and believe them, and take them seriously.

The other day a student wrote to me “I feel like breaking something!”

“How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!” ~ Byron Katie to me when asking her about my own anger and how to get rid of it.

Just because I think it, I feel it, doesn’t mean I AM IT.

Turning the thoughts around….

Life is full of movement, like the weather. I do feel like (fill in the blank). I am not the one in charge. Nothing is required. There are no solutions to “life”. It IS possible to be on retreat at all times, it’s already actually happening, I don’t have to try. My thoughts are profuse, and that’s fun. Only my mental noise and mind believes them, not the rest of me. I will never be “done”. My mind is too small, my mind needs vacuuming. Everything works out perfectly. 

Pause a moment longer, now that you’ve been pausing to consider your thoughts, and not taking them seriously.

Take a very deep breath.

Relax your entire body. Hold still a moment.

Even if your mind yells and makes noise and comments and gestures and demands you get up and do something….

…..notice how you do not have to act like it’s true.

“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

Much love,

Grace

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Do You Want Out, At Any Cost?

Not everyone knows that I spent about 10 years of my life….

….as a smoker.

Yep.

I had my first cigarette sometime around age 17 thinking this was just a casual funny thing to do when gathered with friends pretending you were a real grown up.

That turned into heading off to college very soon afterwards and noticing the students who smoked and the students who didn’t smoke, and joining in with the crowd who did.

Then I had a boyfriend who smoked. Every day.

The frequency just kept increasing over time, until I had to realize….

….I was a smoker.

Then I learned something about tobacco companies making millions and decided to buy a pouch of tobacco and roll my own (thinking this cut back on my contribution to those Big Corporations).

One day, I was rolling my cigarette in my apartment, all alone. I had been out biking almost all day, sweating and feeling joy in my athletic body.

I paused. I have no idea why.

I thought about what I was doing, looking at my fingers working with the rolling paper. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I graduate college”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I break up with my boyfriend”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I live in my own apartment”.

I was 26, I had broken up with the smoking boyfriend, I had graduated college, and now I lived in my own apartment. I kept passing all those points, and I didn’t stop.

This was going to be harder than I imagined.

I suddenly knew….I either keep going like this, thinking I’ll stop when….

….or I stop.

I don’t know why this particular thing struck me this way.

I had other experiences of addiction….primarily eating….

….that despite wanting to change or stop, I just couldn’t or didn’t until I had several important mentors, therapists and teachers help me with my overwhelming feelings.

But smoking?

It really came over me that day. I just have to stop.

So I did…..for about 6 months.

Then, through a series of transitions and events, I left my job and my apartment behind and returned to my parent’s house where I grew up to regroup for awhile and figure out what was next.

Staring out the window of my old childhood bedroom, at age 26, I felt like an abject failure.

I’m doomed, I thought. I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.

Now I have to find a job all over again, and my own place to live, and stop moving back in with my parents. Jeez.

The next thought?

I know! Go buy a pack of smokes! Yeah….do that next!

So I listened to that voice, and I left on foot for the corner store, and walked around the neighborhood at odd nighttime hours, smoking (since it wasn’t allowed in my parents’ house and I agreed it shouldn’t be, plus I was ashamed to be seen smoking by my parents).

I didn’t realize back then, it was my thoughts and feelings that were driving my urge to smoke.

I didn’t realize my own self-hate, being addicted to compulsively thinking there was something wrong with me and with the world, was the thing that fueled the fire of doing this activity called smoking.

Thoughts like….

….I’m unworthy, I can’t, I’m stupid, I’m slow, I’m too whatever.

But here’s the real kicker, as I look back at that time when I re-started smoking.

I’d smoke (or eat, or drink, or over-exercise) in order to not have to actually discover what it would be like to simply be myself.

I didn’t think I could be just me.

Raw, unaltered. Unfiltered (like the cigarettes I used to smoke).

Now, before you think that I “got” something and had a big Ah-Ha magic moment and stopped smoking because of a great lightening bolt of insight….I’ll tell you the end of the smoking story.

As I wandered the neighborhood in growing despair, I would sometimes have the thought “I’d rather be dead.”

Not exactly ready to commit suicide, but very dark and hopeless.

It was so dark and intense….

….I found myself sitting on top of my childhood built-in desk one night at 2 am, looking out at the roof tops of other houses into the night sky, with the window wide open.

God, I need help. I have no idea how to do this. Help.

A few days later, I accepted an invitation from an old friend to attend a party.

Who knows if I would actually go or not….I had no idea.

But I did.

At that party, a man came up to me as I sat under a tree with my lit cigarette and said “Is this your James Dean impression?”

I stared.

Did he just say what I think he said?

It was the most honest question I had been asked in months, and months.

The banter followed. He sat down near me. We talked for hours. We exchanged phone numbers.

A week later, no call from this man.

But I had been thinking about his bold question and the term “impression”.

I liked this awareness that the smoking was an impression, and not the real me. This is secretly what I knew already.

When I reached him on the phone, here’s what he said: Yeah, well, I agree it was awesome talking last week. But I’m serious about the whole smoking thing. I hate it. Smoke smells terrible to me, it kinda makes my head hurt. If you want to do it, OK….but we won’t be seeing each other.

Woah.

Smoking, or his company?

I got all the remaining cigarettes I had purchased, and crunched them into pieces and flushed them all down the toilet. The thing is, I had done this before. I knew what it was like to think “I’m DONE!” and then go back later.

But the next day, I learned I got a job I had interviewed for several weeks earlier at The American Lung Association.

You couldn’t smoke if you worked at the American Lung Association. In fact, I would be helping to educate people about quitting.

I never smoked again.

Not everyone gets an obvious set of choices like that. Maybe because I was such a knucklehead, I needed it to be really clear what choice to make.

But you still have one choice….do you want to see what it’s like to stop acting on the addictive pattern you’re in?

Because you can.

You can tell other people, you can get support, you can call for help.

You can question your thoughts about yourself that you aren’t capable of stopping.

You can most of all question your thoughts of pain, suffering and unrest. All the disturbing thoughts you think that you’ve been believing are true, that contribute to your addictive fixations….

….whether you’re focused on smoking, or eating, or drinking, or using drugs, or having a massive weird crush on someone, or using sex or people as objects of addiction, or spending money and buying stuff, or achieving enlightenment.

Finding out what’s out there, beyond stopping, becomes more interesting and curious and draws you to it like a magnet.

“Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything….” ~ Michael Singer

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: A Crazy Tool You Have Within You But You May Not Know It

Are you someone who doesn’t really go for the woo-woo solutions to real life problems?

Well…this tool for changing your relationship with eating can sound a little cray-cray.

But believe me, I’m not that crazy (only crazy in a good way).

This tool is genuine, powerful, and used by many cultures, religions, therapeutic modalities and processes of emotional healing for centuries.

It’s in you already, you just may need to develop it a little, spending a little more time using your imagination for love, not hate (primarily for yourself).

See how I did it here. Leave a comment to let me know how this tool works for you–I love hearing from you and reading your comments.

Love, Grace