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I shared in one of my telecourses currently underway that two of my favorite (well, OK, the opposite really of “favorite”) judgments of other people are one, or the other, or both of the following:
1) Needy
2) Controlling
In our class, we’re going back and looking at qualities we really hate in other people….
….and we’re identifying very early, or perhaps “original” situations where these judgments came into being.
Have you ever thought of someone as needy?
How about controlling?
Anyone come to mind?
Just to raise the level of reaction, the feeling within, I decided to make sure both qualities were combined together in one person, and to look and see all the people who had both (In My Opinion of course).
Well…..there’s that friend I met five years ago at a women’s retreat who was an awful beoch, gossiping about me to others and trying to hurt me, it seemed, for reasons unknown.
(I know, I know, poor me–the victim speak comes out clearly with my words, but instead of criticizing myself for being a victim, I know what to do to really understand this: The Work. Which is where we’re going with this first step of being totally unedited and babyish and emotional).
Then there was that other friend who I’ve known for ten years, who come to think of it, was super opinionated like the first friend I mentioned. She was hostile to me that one time about being a messy person and not cleaning. So controlling.
And what about my other friend, a man this time, who wanted as much time as possible with me and NEVER got enough. Always sending messages “when can we talk? long-time no see”! So needy, give it a rest!
All of them needy for attention AND needing to assert themselves and their controlling opinions into MY life. JEEZ!
Oh. Heh heh. You noticed there were three people like this, none of whom even knew each other?
Funny.
I am the one common denominator.
(I once had a remarkable lunch with Dr. Hew Len. He said to me as we talked about my difficulty getting angry with my very young daughter….”You might notice, with every problem you have, who is there? You are.”)
Gulp.
But here’s something very important.
This isn’t about beating yourself to a pulp mentally, because of realizing it must be YOU.
These self-judgments never bring great insight, love and awareness. Have you noticed?
Self-judgment is a more conditioned, youngish, kind of adolescent way of dealing with a situation: Hate yourself.
Let’s not go there, and inquire instead. We’ll follow the simple directions and trust the doorway to awareness, using The Work, using the experience of suffering.
So, looking at these judgments, I see I apparently have trouble when I perceive someone being needy and controlling.
I judge “they ARE needy, they ARE controlling”.
RUN!!!!
I notice I get scared myself. I think I need to protect myself. I feel hurt, or anxious. I don’t feel relaxed. I’m all wound up.
My reaction kicks in like a tornado.
What’s so terrible about needy and controlling people?
Hmmmm. They’ll force me to do things I don’t want to do, in order to be liked by them. They’ll push me until I say no, and then they’ll be hurt, and disappointed.
What’s the worst thing that could happen if they’re hurt and disappointed?
I know this is kind of dramatic….but what comes to mind is they’ll feel so horrible, because I didn’t respond to their neediness, that they’ll feel suicidal. The worst thing I’ve ever heard of happening when someone is incredibly needy and controlling, is they kill themselves when they don’t feel loved.
But is it even true that this person, in MY situation, is needy and controlling? Are they trying to grab something from me, and using control to get it?
Eeek! Yes!
She wants more time, more advice, more comfort from me than I can provide. She’s demanding. She’s got a desperate thing going on under the surface she’s trying to cover up. If she was authentic, she’d want to move in with me, or talk every day, or go on trips together. She’s disappointed with me, with my capacity for sharing myself and my time.
I’m trapped here. I can’t speak up. If I do it will mean the end of the friendship perhaps. We can’t work through this.
Stop. Pause.
Does her behavior, that looks needy and controlling, really mean I’m in danger, or that she’s mad at me personally? Seriously?
Are you sure she’s needy and controlling, in that situation, and it means something bad for ME?
No.
Wow.
I’ve got a whole world of beliefs about what I should do if someone says they are disappointed in me, or says they’re sad that I don’t have enough time for them. Part of me is immediately disappointed that I disappointed someone.
How do I react when I believe it’s dangerous to disappoint someone?
I consider them wrong. I stamp them on the forehead with the labels “NEEDY” and “CONTROLLING”.
So who would I actually be in the very moment someone is making a request of me, when they’re simply speaking up for what they want in the moment….
….if I didn’t believe I must NOT disappoint them?
Who would I be without the belief I should never, ever disappoint someone, and therefore….find only people who are NOT needy and NOT controlling to hang out with?
Wow, crazy. Almost hard to imagine standing in the presence of someone who is crying, or writing, or speaking, and they’re saying they need more from me, or they’re disappointed….and not feeling nervous.
But I stay steady in this meditation. Who would I be without the thought it means they’re needy, or controlling.
I stare at them, in my mind, in the memory, imagining what it would be like to be the cat in the room with them.
The cat doesn’t care that this person is disappointed. The cat goes about it’s business. The cat walks through the room, being a cat.
What if I was an alien from another planet, who didn’t know when someone’s crying, or writing me a letter saying “I’m disappointed in this friendship” or someone’s yelling for me to pay attention to them, or someone’s calling me a whole bunch….
….that it’s dangerous, or it means something bad for me?
I’d be looking at a human, feeling big feelings, asking for what they want and believe they need.
They are afraid. They believe they’re lonely. They’ve got opinions, like I do. They believe they know what I’m capable of giving, and maybe it’s not true, but maybe it is. They’re being human. They’re believing their thoughts.
Let’s turn these thoughts around.
She (or he) is NOT needy, she is self-less. She is accepting, not controlling.
What are examples of this?
I begin to see each of the three people I mention blossom before me. No one is knocking on my door right now. I haven’t seen any of these people, who I’ve thought of as needy or controlling, for a long time. They stopped calling. One person freaked me out by sending me a text awhile ago that she was in the neighborhood and would be waiting for me for 3 hours nearby and it creeped me out, but I have no idea if it was true and nothing happened.
I turn the thoughts around again: I am the needy one. I am controlling. Especially when it comes to these people.
Wow, I can find how it’s true.
I need them to act in ways I find comfortable (not the way they’re acting). I need them to be loose and gentle, and not demanding. I need them to never, ever control me or even try. Not one smidgeon of a hint of trying to control my response to them. Or else I’m outta here.
Dang.
I’m controlling and needy with myself, too. I’ve been super demanding. I’ve asked myself to be so concerned with what other people think, I forget about what I myself think. I’ve thought of myself as missing something. I’ve crushed my own spirit with my self-condemning thoughts.
Maybe a little love is in order here. For myself, for them.
“The worst that can happen is that they are just like you! It’s their job to think what you’re already thinking, until you question it. When you question what you think, the truth will make you laugh.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace