First Friday open call for everyone is this Friday December 1st at 7:45 – 9:15 am Pacific time. Join HERE.
Wow, people are flying in and making AirBnB reservations nearby, or staying with friends, or commuting to Seattle December 8-10. Because of time of year, last-minute prep and the lower expense of having it right in my own cottage, the fee is only $195 for Friday 9:30 am through Sunday noon.
If you’d really like to come Friday all-day only, you’re welcome for $95. If you’re experienced in The Work and want to come Saturday afternoon only 12/9 from 2:00-6:00 let me know, there may be room to make this work. To join us in what will surely be an inner adventure, sign up HERE for all 3 days. Hit reply if you have any question or see a different arrangement working for you.
I can’t wait. I love what’s possible when you allow new ideas to pop in and unfold–which is this retreat itself. I love someone’s coming from California, and another from the east coast. What a time to do The Work, in this wet, dark, rainy atmosphere when sometimes Other People and The World can be daunting.
For example.
I saw an old familiar sort of post the other day on facebook, with a deeply troubled objection to The Work. Or perhaps the objection was to the world, to life, to what is seen by the mind.
I totally get what Byron Katie is telling us … “it hurts when I argue with reality” … but sometimes it is so hard to even imagine not arguing with the horrors that are happening all around us and the immeasurable suffering involved. Much of the time it feels so cynical. (FACEBOOK post)
Someone else then chimed in that she thinks of sex trafficking, abduction, drug use, slavery…and how could anyone ever say to victimized children that they should love what is?
My heart sunk in the sadness of the approach, and the misunderstanding. I hope no one ever says to someone suffering deeply “you should love what is”.
Actually, someone doing their own inquiry work, I can’t imagine being able to say it. It would be so opposite of compassion, unconditional care, or doing The Work–which is an Inside Job.
And ONLY an inside job.
But I could feel the despair in what these people wrote.
It’s a profound wondering to look out into the world, that appears to be filled with destruction, environmental change (I just learned since 1970 the world’s wild animal population has been cut in half), mass shootings, war, violence, starvation, pollution, poverty, anger, suffering, unkindness….
….and hold what we see up against the powerful phrase “loving what is.”
Are you telling me to love THAT?!
Fortunately, what I’ve found is no one is ever telling me anything.
All The Work is….is four questions.
I have to be the one doing the actual work of inquiry. I get to find out if I love what is, or don’t love it, and the true deepest meaning of “love” and how to sit with reality even when it breaks my heart.
I get to see that there is no division of the world cut into evil and good, love and hate, life and death, terrible and wonderful.
Everything is all mixed up together….all the time.
When I do The Work one thought at a time, slowed down, considering and contemplating each individual situation I’ve noticed I’m arguing with, is the outcome isn’t my old definition of “love”.
I’m opened, in a new way, to what is. My heart is broken open sometimes. It’s not exactly soft, friendly.
Once I thought I heard Byron Katie say “I’m asking you to go into hell. This is not easy.” Although I’m not sure of the quote.
And yet it’s my experience. The Work isn’t for sissies. We’re going to hell. On purpose. (Or because if you’re like me, you’ve tried absolutely everything else and you have no other choice really).
Questioning the destruction or brutal nature of incidents, of things that frighten me like disease and death, fighting and violence….
….this process called The Work does not lead to passivity.
It doesn’t lead to me knowing what anyone else should do or not do. It does not lead to me needing something from other people in order to be happy, or living alone in a bubble.
It doesn’t lead me to pure detachment, or thinking no one or nothing else matters in an apathetic kind of way, or a resigned way. I find apathy and resignation to feel stressful, and therefore worthy of inquiry of course.
But let’s see. Hmmm.
The only way I know to work with a stressful thought?
The Work.
The people on facebook and all those who think doing The Work means standing and looking at other peoples’ suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….they should understand they’re mistaken.
They shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual self-centeredness. They should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. They should understand.
Is it true?
No. What’s the reality?
They see lots of pain in the world, and they don’t see how looking at the pain differently would change it. They want to see empowered action, movement, healing, kindness. I do too.
How do I react when I believe those people shouldn’t judge The Work as condoning violence, or abuse of children, or that it preaches to people to love what is?
Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Wanting to set them straight and explain to them what’s really true.
Who would I be without the thought?
Starting to compose a rare facebook post to try to explain or respond….and deleting it. Understanding their suffering and pain.
Doing my own work, instead. Signing up to attend a meeting to get involved in climate change work, this very week. Just did it.
Working with myself and others on their experiences of abuse, rape, cancer, illness, death, suicide, addiction, fear and terror.
Being profoundly moved by sitting in this work and then being called to live my turnarounds as best I can. Getting involved with a compassionate heart, not an angry one.
Not fighting or thinking anyone’s wrong to have their opinion.
Turning the thought around: They should say and think and feel exactly what they do.
They’re right.
There are horrors, immeasurable suffering, and arguments with it all.
Turning it around again: I myself who thinks doing The Work means standing and looking at my own (or others’) suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….I should understand I am mistaken.
I shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual anything. I should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. I should understand others, and myself.
Have I ever treated doing The Work as something that allows me to stand and look at suffering without action, or care?
Wow. Yes. I once kept doing The Work over and over again on the same person because I felt so angry. He was a person full of suffering–he said so himself. He told me to leave him alone, and I didn’t.
I wasn’t caring for my own suffering. I wasn’t caring for his requests. I did The Work with a motive not to be angry, so I could keep pestering him and avoid looking at my own life.
I also forget that my path is no better than anyone else’s path, that I have nothing they don’t also have. I think I know more or better than someone who wrote something on facebook, who I’ve never met before. I forget I’m not in charge.
“Just as we use stress and fear to motivate ourselves to make money, we often rely on anger and frustration to move us to social activism. If I want to act sanely and effectively while I clean up the earth’s environment, let me begin by cleaning up my own environment. All the trash and pollution in my thinking–let me clean up that by meeting it with love and understanding. Then my action can become truly effective. It takes just one person to help the planet. That one is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Thank you people who posted on facebook, and thank you news, and reports, and speeches and rallies and images, movies, pictures, radio information, and very troubling happenings of any kind (that mostly seem to occur on my computer I notice)….you show me my invitation to help the planet.
To see the planet as helping me.
To bring out the best, most truly effective action possible, without expectation or demand of any kind.
“You learn to resolve problems peacefully within yourself, and now we have a teacher. Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.” ~ Byron Katie
Sometimes feelings are so chaotic and wild, we feel crazy as they ride through us, along with all our thoughts that caused the feelings in the first place. Feelings seem to cause distress, turmoil, upset and fatigue.
Then, we often want to eat. Whether hungry or not.
(Or smoke, drink, clean, work, gamble, etc).
Escape from the feelings! Change the channel!
But what if you’re treating these wild and moveable sensations in the body like their the enemy, or something you shouldn’t be experiencing?
Long ago, when I was first healing from truly dreadful off-balance eating, I discovered there were a few feelings on my list that I never wanted to feel. Ever.
Anger.
Fear.
Humiliation.
Aloneness or solitude I could handle. Sadness, that was OK. Anxiety was uncomfortable but not the end of the world. Excitement or nervous anticipation was partially fun. Disappointment I thought I could quickly recover from.
But deep anger, resentment, fury, rage–these I judged as horrible. Only mean people have those feelings. Bad people.
Fear was also too uncomfortable. I felt nauseated, couldn’t sleep, short of breath. I’d do anything to get away from fear! (Including eat when not hungry).
Humiliation was the worst of all. Feeling ashamed, or guilty that I did something wrong or someone disapproved of me. Ugh. It was the worst of all. Then I really wanted to hide in my house and eat sweet things, so I felt sweeter about the world. (It never worked for long term).
Something that helped immensely over time, was taking a look at feelings I disliked the most….the ones I considered ENEMIES….
….and judge them, using The Work of Byron Katie.
Is it true you’re a bad person if you experience fear, or anger, or shame?
YES.
Look at those other people over there, acting terrified, or rageful, or deeply self-effacing. Gross. So unpleasant, and unattractive.
Can you absolutely know it’s true it makes someone a BAD person if you experience these human feelings?
No. Reality includes all these feelings. It appears to be a part of the human condition.
How do you react when you believe something’s awful and bad?
I avoid it. I try to get away, stay away, and crush it within. I try not to be angry, fearful, or shameful….ever, ever, ever.
If I DO experience these feelings, I eat.
I don’t ask anyone for help (they’ll think I’m bad, too). I don’t have any other outlets. I try to control what can’t be controlled. Feelings.
It’s a ton of work. I have to stay home a lot, and not be exposed to other people.
But who would I be without this thought? Who would I be without this belief that having these uncomfortable feelings makes me BAD? (Or anyone bad)?
You can look at that other person who’s feeling big feelings you don’t like and see what you’d think of them without the belief they shouldn’t be expressing that feeling.
What would this be like?
Wow.
I’d be feeling these terrible feelings, like riding a roller coaster, and letting them run their course–even hearing their message. Honoring what they have to say. No getting over them.
Allowing the feeling to be here, and allowing me to be a human being feeling it, without judgment.
That feels like freedom.
Turning the thought around: feelings (anger, fear, humiliation) are GOOD to feel. Not bad. It’s only my thoughts about these feelings that are bad, not the feelings themselves.
When I began to live this way with my feelings, even just a little bit, guess what happened to the urge to eat? It relaxed.
It was no longer necessary to stuff in food aggressively with anger. It was no longer necessary to panic with ice cream in bed. It was no longer necessary to shamefully buy something I liked to eat, and eat too much of it in my car.
In the Eating Peace Process, we spend an entire module or segment of the program looking at how to work with feelings.
Especially the ones we resist or hate.
Who would we be without our stories about feelings?
Two live calls per week and many presentations you’ll listen to on your own, this course offers you a structure to thoroughly look at your relationship to food, eating and your body from every angle. To read more about it the Eating Peace Process please visit here.
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
it’s not easy to be angry….but a powerful practice to learn, to get brilliant at, to feel without regret
I love The Work and all forms of self-inquiry. I love mindfully and compassionately questioning beliefs and assumptions.
But once upon a time early on, I was painting myself into a bit of a corner when doing The Work, without realizing it right off the bat.
It’s something I’ve observed happening, sometimes, with self-inquiry that’s NOT necessarily a true taste of freedom.
OK, OK….the reason I mention this is because I did it for several years! Fine!
(Which of course, when you question it, is the amount of time it was supposed to take to knock it off….no slower, no faster).
The thing I was doing that didn’t bring much freedom?
It’s called….trying to be peaceful, blissful and happy at all times, with everyone, and using The Work with the motive to NOT feel emotional pain, to NOT discover you need to make amends, to NOT realize you were wrong, to NOT lose your identity or “your” belief system
We don’t need to go THAT far.
Doing The Work was for me primarily using The Work when extremely shaken up, or in obvious conflict with what was going on. Not about anything mildly disturbing. Those things, I would just say “no biggie” about and brush them off. And wish I could do the brushing off thing with ALL disturbances.
Sometimes, I’d also do The Work with troubling events and situations just enough to take the edge off and get back to even-keeled. As they say for those sailing across great expansive waters.
For me, it was as if grief, heart-break, big changing feelings, anger, passion or suffering were BAD and were signs that something went WRONG.
Oh…there’s a rain storm? I want sunny shores! And let’s not even talk about hurricanes.
A huge overwhelming urge to Get Happy. ASAP. And Never Suffer. Never feel bad.
But If you try to make sure you never do Feeling Bad….
….uh oh.
Like I did, you might be creating an army of forces inside yourself trying to catch stressful thoughts the second they happen, to almost numb out, to constantly be striving to override all uncomfortable and troubling feelings quickly, quickly through inquiry.
OMG! I’m not happy for a second! Quick!
Yikes.
Of course, I fell flat on my face. I failed in maintaining happiness the way I was defining happiness. I thought it looked like calm, clear, kind and easy-going at all times.
Not that other messy stuff.
The discovery of this impulse to Be Happy came after I realized I was deeply against Being Angry.
I had no idea I was so against it. Poor Anger.
It was wrong, unacceptable. Terrible things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Hatred, killing, war, theft, destruction, banishment, jealousy, woundings. People have done horrible things for centuries because they felt anger. We should definitely all be working on never getting angry, I thought.
Hadn’t I learned I was supposed to control my temper?
Plus all the nice people in the storybooks and movies and fairytales I read or saw were…..well…..nice.
They never got angry.
Right?
That decision came alive somewhere in middle school years. Be the nice person. Don’t get angry. And by the way, don’t like other people who are angry either. They’re very frightening (and doing it wrong).
Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to step back from wild angry energy, and especially if someone’s expressing it by throwing plates.
But I cut the whole thing off, like chopping off my arm. And if I FELT anger (whatever I was calling anger, which is an interesting part of this inquiry) then I thought I made a mistake, wasn’t kind, and missed something
OMG! I think I felt angry for a second! Fix yourself NOW!
So let’s take a look, with inquiry.
First of all….what is this thing called “anger” we’re talking about anyway?
It’s a feeling. In the dictionary it’s described as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, hostility.
What I would do in the past (it’s still partially an automatic reaction to the experience of the energy of anger) is freeze.
Or…if I felt safe enough with the person or situation, or like I’m willing to risk being a jerk even if it’s honest…I’d blow my top or say it, with conviction. Literally, steam going off. At least it felt like this on the inside, and it probably looked sort of like this from the outside too (although admittedly rare).
As I navigated through my mind and The Work and discoveries about anger, I asked the great questions.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true that anger is dangerous, violent, terrible, wrong? Is it true it’s bad to feel it?
Who would I be without this story….and especially since anger is here, present, in the room, already in my body?
Who would I be without the horror story of anger?
Suddenly, I started finding turnarounds of people who were angry, and who stood up and spoke it, named it, expressed it without hatred, and made huge impact on their communities, on their cities, on the world.
Could it be that anger is powerful, important, part of reality…..for a good reason?
Crikey!
But wow. What a relief. To know I feel this energy called “anger” sometimes and it calls me to inquire, and also to ACT.
Turning it around: this anger is right, acceptable. Wonderful things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Love, creativity, peace, giving, silence, acceptance, rebirth. People have done amazing things for centuries because they felt anger. We should NOT all be working on swallowing our anger, but instead on actually expressing it well, powerfully, without shame, clearly, with passion and love.
A very long time ago, as the story goes, my father and mother were growing increasingly separated as their lives moved into 20 years together. They did almost nothing together anymore. My dad was quiet at home (living out the old belief model “thou shalt not ever show anger” as best he could). My mother was working a new job.
Apparently in that tumultuous time, something happened inside my dad. He no longer fought and pushed down and resented silently what was happening.
My mom speaks of it still to this day, when asked.
My dad, waiting until my mom returned, spoke to her with great conviction and energy, and anger. “I am NOT going to let this happen! We’re talking about this….NOW!”
It was a terrible, amazing, wild and wonderful many-hours conversation, the two of them locked inside their room upstairs telling the truth to each other. With anger and passion coming up and out of them into the air between them, instead of either one trying to be the perfect communicator of something “intense”.
The marriage turned around completely.
A few years later, they had a ceremony renewing their vows. My dad didn’t live much longer, as he got cancer and died a few years after that. And I’m not saying I know it was perfect and clear from that point forward. This is between them anyway. But I do know expression was called for, if they wanted true honesty. And it looked like anger.
What if you don’t HAVE TO GET THE ANGER OUT (or some other kind of instruction and rule about anger and how bad it is)?
What I notice about anger is….it comes and goes and pops and flows.
It has a brilliant message. Called…”time to inquire!”
It is not to be dismissed quickly, or abruptly, or forced out the door or down inside.
(You might end up eating too much, like I did, if you do that….which is very unpleasant).
What if you lived the turnaround of getting very genius at feeling angry, noticing how you aren’t ALL anger, and maybe anger can be felt inside love?
What if you allow anger to show you where you’ve been afraid, or compliant, or giving up?
After I realized what I had been doing with anger, and every situation I did The Work on that “made” me angry (squelch the fire of anger immediately). Instead, I let it come alive, but in a contained area like the way we build a fire in the fireplace. Letting it be as it was, allowing it to be a wonderful red hot messenger. Letting it bring the fire of truth.
After I discovered this about anger, I broke up with someone I was dating for the first time ever in my life who I had done a whole pile of worksheets on. I felt sincere appreciation for being in relationship with this man for the short time I had known him, and the intense experiences I had with him, and all the times I had said “yes” when I meant “no”.
And I honored this energy, instead of trying to get rid of it with The Work. I spoke loudly, with lazer sharp clarity on the phone. I remember him saying “but now we’re friends” and that he wished we would continue to see each other, talk, spend time, share. I knew the most loving thing I could possibly do for both of us, was to say what then came out of my mouth: “No. We are not friends. Not that way.” And I hung up.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ~ Aristotle
If you are feeling angry, I say…first, do The Work. Absolutely. So much clarity can be discovered.
Then, the loving living turnaround may be saying or doing something very powerful to the right person in just the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. It will feel right. You won’t feel ashamed later. Everyone will be honored. You’ll have integrity for both yourself and the other.
Running into someone who you used to know, who you used to have an entirely different relationship with, and now they’re right in front of you is sometimes……weird.
But let’s be honest.
It’s only weird if there’s unfinished, unresolved thoughts and feelings about this person.
It happened to me the other day.
On Facebook.
OK, OK, OK….I know that’s not actually running in to someone!
It can feel that way for a second, though.
And it results in the same response. Like….oh. Wow. There they are. One word or “like” or chat head away. Just a click of the button or the keyboard.
Except, suddenly you’re flooded with not having anything to say because there was SO MUCH to say before (that was never said) or there was an unresolved “sting” that hurt between you.
What I’ve found is…..if something like this pops in to my radar…..
…..time to go back in time and do, you guessed it, The Work!
So I went to a moment, a situation, with that person where I felt really surprised and criticized, and later, angry.
I could see it clearly.
(And a voice in my head also was chattering while seeing that situation from the past: “you’ve done The Work on this already, it won’t help, this is stupid, just forget about it, who cares, it’s just on facebook, etc.”)
Thanks for sharing, oh voice, and I think I’ll take a look.
“She criticized me.”
I can see her eyes, hear her voice. I almost can’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember she admitted at the time she was feeling critical of me.
I see a kitchen, and all the other people milling around, putting away food, or eating, or washing dishes, and talking and laughing.
And this stinging voice saying sort of fiercely, directly, without any humor whatsoever when I was lying down….”could you help clean up?”
I see another moment when she’s asking me if I can join the group a little more, I’ve been working on my computer too much. And another moment where she’s talking about other people we’re with and how annoyed she is with them and planning on asking them never to come back.
I remember the feelings, as these images zip through my mind.
Scared of her judgment. Scared of her sharp eye. Scared of the way she’s bossing people, or kicking people out, or even praising people for that matter. Evaluating everyone.
Help! Run away! That’s her, on facebook!!
So is it true, she criticized me….or criticized other people.
Both, she did both. She is a super critical person.
That’s the truth.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true she criticized YOU?
Can you absolutely know she criticized those other people and kicked them out?
In that situation…..the answer seems like “yes”. It feels true. It appears true.
I look up the word “critical” as I consider her words, her manner, the way she spoke of others. It says the word “critical” is defined as disapproving, fault-finding, judgmental, scathing, accusatory, negative.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Deep breath.
How do I react when I think this is true about her?
Both afraid, and also critical of her, for being critical. Oh Lordy.
I don’t want to see her, not even on facebook. I don’t want to connect, or talk with her. I avoid her. I think of her as mean, and dangerous, and unenlightened.
I feel like there’s someone out there who isn’t fun to be around, and this thing in the universe (this person) is a pocket of discomfort, bad news.
So who would I be without this belief that she criticized me or anyone else? Who would I be without the belief she’s dangerous, or a threat, or frightening for me?
At first, as I imagine being without the thought, I notice how skittish I am sometimes, with some people. It’s like, all they did was speak words, and I’m freaking out and yelling “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!”
There was no physical pain, there was no dramatic scene. There was no yelling, or loud noise.
Without my belief, I suddenly remember when I met her and how we talked for 4 hours straight into the night. And how much we have in common. Only days apart in age, and both the oldest of four, and both with fathers who died young.
Gosh.
I forgot about these things I love about her, until this experience of wondering who I’d be without the memory of her criticizing me,without the belief that she did.
Turning the thoughts around: she didn’t criticize me, I criticized her, I criticized myself.
I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, criticizing others. Right in the moment I believed, with so much fear, that she criticized me it was like a wall of fearful energy exploded between us and I never let myself get that close to her again.
Until now.
Remembering.
Opening up to how much I love her, and how much I love in general.
Could her communication to me be her best attempt to reach out for what she needed in that moment? To connect? To protect herself? To be heard? To make a situation she didn’t like, more favorable?
And maybe I’ve done the very same thing, every time I’ve been critical.
“Life itself is not a conclusion, and all mental conclusions are really there to be shattered, and this shattering of fixed views we call waking up, and it is a timeless process with no beginning and no end in sight. There are no ‘fixed’ waves in the vast, wild ocean of life. Let’s always keep the dialogue going, and never let it become a monologue. And then criticism will not be something we have to ‘deal with’ at all, but something we look forward to, something we embrace and cherish, since now we know it is only an invitation to deeply meet beyond stories, and surrender even more deeply to life and each other.” ~ Jeff Foster
Bring on the criticism.
It stirs something inside, a spark, a fire, a passion.
Could it be reality? Humanity? Love? A gift? A breaking of the shell?
Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….
….and someone else who went to the very same event….
….hated it?
OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!
But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.
How could there be such different viewpoints?
Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….
….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.
Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.
However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….
….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.
What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?
She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
He’s too immature, slow, frightened
He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).
How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?
How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!
I avoid them.
I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.
Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.
So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.
It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.
Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”
Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.
As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….
….ask yourself this helpful question:
What would you have, if they agreed with you?
Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?
Huh.
I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.
I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).
If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”
As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.
Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?
What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?
What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?
(It is, I notice).
How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?
Turning the thoughts around:
When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!
It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.
That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.
I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.
Not war.
I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look
It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.
One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.
Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.
I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.
I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.
I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.
At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.
When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.
Creativity was not my interest in this department.
Then divorce happened.
Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.
I dropped the “I should(s)…..”
So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….
….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.
They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.
Mondays.
Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.
Skip to a decade later.
Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.
(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).
During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.
I had reinstated it a few days ago.
My husband and I decided on the food.
I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!
When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.
“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.
“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”
Lightening bolt courses through me.
I say with anger….
….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”
Daughter storms out.
Sigh.
The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.
Under the surface, I am hurt.
She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.
I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.
If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.
I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.
I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.
Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?
Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?
I’d see them having their reaction.
I’d be with them as they have it.
I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.
They’re saying “no”.
That’s it.
I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself.
Could any of these be just as true, or truer?
This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….
….a childlike core place of “ouch”.
After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.
Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.
“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron
In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”
We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.
My kids teach me this over, and over again.
And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.
Thank you.
“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti
Just the other day in Summer Camp, a mom read a worksheet on her screaming, upset six year old.
Some of my favorite worksheets for myself have been the ones I wrote on my kids, especially my daughter.
Sometimes, it would feel like this incredible child was my guru of all gurus, the teacher who was knocking to my knees.
Kids are so great that way.
They stick around, they live with you or are there a whole lot of the time on a regular basis. No getting away from it.
And you don’t want to, not at all.
Recently my 17 year old daughter was away on a trip with her dad and brother. I went into her room to find something….
….and saw the clothes all over the floor, the clothes on the bed from when she had been packing her suitcase, the piles of things on her desk, her wardrobe doors opened with stuff spilling out.
I spontaneously started cleaning it up. I had seen it before, it had been like this for months, my mind had some chatter stirred up about lack of cleaning and messiness and blah-blah-blah but I felt energy, action.
I love turning dirty-ness to clean-ness.
It was fun.
Now, that’s not the “difficult” part of the story.
Fast forward to her arrival back home, just the other day.
She marches in to my bedroom where I’ve been working. She is furious.
“Where is my wallet?!!! It was on the floor in the exact place I always put it–you moved it!!” Frustrated eyes looking at me.
Pause, breathe, hold it…no wait…no, don’t go there. Wait…oh no!
Yep. I did it.
Me: “Well, if you had cleaned up your room beFORE then I wouldn’t have HAD to do it and then YOU would know where your wallet was!”
Her: “You move things around every time and I HATE it!”
Me: “You are so disrespectful!! I cleaned your room up and you should appreciate it!!”
I said it pretty loud.
OK, it’s called yelling.
She started crying.
Instant softening of my body, a sort of collapse down, awareness that I have hurt my kid, that I snapped, was impatient, felt furious.
I quick sat up, opened my arms up to her, and said “I am so sorry I just got so mad at you. I was so happy doing that job, and I love the way it looks now, and I thought you would like it too instead of getting upset you can’t find something.”
Now a key underlying belief in this kind of exchange, once you do The Work on “she should appreciate what I’ve done for her” (not) is to look at this one, which can be very insidious and very painful:
I shouldn’t get angry.
Seems true, right?
I should be tolerant, patient, confident, loving, kind, powerful, clear and direct at all times with my kids. I should never be triggered and turn into a brat myself. I should be mature.
Is that true?
Well, yeah. Duh!
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. There are, apparently, thousands and millions of parents who are not tolerant, patient, confident or grown up with their kids. Apparently on planet earth, mothers, including me, get angry and fed up sometimes.
How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t snap, throw your hands in the air, feel pushed to the limit, or get angry?
I feel very bad. Depressed. Quiet.
I see images of how my dad used to feel so upset with himself when he got angry and raised his voice, which was only about once a year, maybe. He would leave the house for hours. It was like he committed a major crime.
I feel frightened of how my kid sees me, how others might see me, I feel ashamed.
But who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t get angry, and you feel bloody angry?!
Now that’s different. Without shame about actually feeling anger, or rage, I allow it to run through my body. I notice how much I care about this situation, about myself, about my daughter.
I actually feel excited.
This anger is alive, powerful, like a burning flame. It crashes through me and I notice how I’m absolutely madly in love with my daughter even when angry with her. I see how I don’t want to hurt her at all, and she doesn’t want to hurt me either.
I relax completely around her needing to like a clean room. I notice that I love clean rooms, but its not a requirement that anyone else, or that she, loves them.
I should get angry.
There’s a message in this passionate surge of feeling. It’s beautiful, striking, wild, big. I seem to care about this. A lot.
I should notice how much I love clean rooms, I can respect myself in this conversation, I can have great compassion for a moment when a wallet seems lost, I can ask what it’s like for her, we can brainstorm from here where the wallet might be, I do not need her appreciation, I need to appreciate myself, and appreciate her.
All in a burst it’s over. She suddenly remembers where her wallet is (not in her room) and goes to find it.
Even if I don’t like that I felt so at war, hostile, defensive or upset in that flash of a moment…I appreciate the presence of the swift, powerful energy of anger.
I’m still learning today, because it was present.
I notice I love the story of passion, energy, change, revolution.
“What is this inner revolution? To begin with, revolution is not static; it is alive, ongoing, and continuous. It cannot be grasped or made to fit into any conceptual model. Nor is there any path to this inner revolution, for it is neither predictable nor controllable and has a life all its own.” ~ Adyashanti
Feeling angry doesn’t mean you have to hurt, break, punch or harm anyone. It’s just a feeling.
You’re not wrong to have it.
And then from this point, you can see what else is true, and take the most balanced, jedi, powerful path with your passion. Maybe anger is love in disguise.
And we’re taking off the costume here, and seeing what’s real and what’s left.
A lovely inquirer who has worked with me regularly for several years contacted me to start a new set of solo sessions.
She described a recent dilemma, a very stressful situation.
She encountered a person in the business world who she found intimidating.
This was a new project, a new character entering her life experience.
At first, this person was just a little bothersome. But quickly, her experience shifted to huge anxiety. He was contentious, pushy, trying to negotiate harshly.
She wanted to run.
We’ve all encountered people who frighten us at one time or another.
Once, I was sitting in my car, in a parking lot, in the winter. Doors and windows closed. I was finishing a short phone call to schedule a new client.
I looked up to see a man yelling orders at a little boy who appeared to be his son about age four. The boy was running right at the heals of the man, both arms straight at his side, a terrified but stern look on his little face.
The man yelled so loud, it made me look up through my windshield. He was shouting things like “closer! stay with me! NOW!”
They were gone in an instant, across my vision and then out of sight to the right. I had no contact with them, except to hear and see, for just a moment.
But it frightened me.
I left my car, looking over the parking lot. Instead of reading my latest book in the gym while I rode one of those bike machines…I did The Work.
The gym has been a fabulous place for writing worksheets, especially when my feelings are boiling or jumping.
I had a blank piece of paper and a pen, and if I didn’t, I would have asked for one.
I realized that this was a perfect motion-picture moment of my fear of rage. An adult angry with a kid; the smaller person has no equality…abuse, terror, no way out, hopelessness, lack of power.
Wow, I suddenly realized how afraid I was of anger. Afraid of someone who I thought had a lot of power, or physical strength.
I am undergoing a project with my son (age 19) to watch every Best Picture from every year since the very first Grammy Awards.
We started a couple of years ago, with the year 1931. We’ve gone backwards over time.
Last week we got to the year 1968 and watched Oliver Twist.
I suddenly remembered that when I watched that movie, at the young age of 6 or 7, it was the first time I learned that an adult could become wildly crazed with fury, and kill another person (his girlfriend)!
My jaw dropped open at the time, my stomach hurt, it was so haunting.
In fact the whole movie painted a picture of ideas about loss, death, tragedy, children with no parents, starving orphans, mean nasty bullies, and then….being SAVED.
As I reflected on the movie messages, I realized that way back before I even ever saw that movie, I already had learned that anger was dangerous, that I should be careful not to ruffle any feathers, and that the “good” people (good kids) don’t go around disturbing their parents!
I believed anger was bad.
This was the biggest piece of proof so far: violence and murder.
What a fantastic place for inquiry, looking at a very terrifying situation.
With this inquirer who called recently, I could tell she really wanted to know the truth.
She saw how she reacted when she believed the thought that the man she encountered was absolutely overpowering.
She crawled into bed and no longer answered his phone calls.
This can be a very wise reaction…
….but the part that hurt the most was her upset towards herself for not standing up to him, not being a rock star bee-och, withdrawing.
Who would you be without the thought that you should not run?
Who would I be without the thought that because I didn’t jump out of my car and do something, say something that day in the parking lot, that I was a chicken, or a failure?
Without the thought that you need to get tougher, say “No” more clearly, swoop in and be the Terminator?
“Whatever you take on, you do as well as you can. That’s your full potential. That’s how I do the dishes, its how I scrub the floor, it’s how I am with my children, with my husband. I do the best that I can, and that’s my full potential in the moment, and that’s good with me.” ~ Byron Katie
The turnaround came alive for me in the gym that day when I realized that at that particular time, place and reality, that the way it went was the best way it could have gone.
It offered a deep awareness of my fear of loud noises, yelling, and hitting.
I also realized that I had no idea, really, who that child was, or what was going on, or who the man was to the child, or what was happening next, or where they were going.
I had a huge story created in my imagination that was almost as unreal as the movie Oliver.
I noticed then too, that without the thought that anger is bad, my heart opens up to the noise that is drawing my attention (called yelling).
I see fear, panic, someone who is believing what they think, someone who is worried that the world is a dangerous place, and they need to control things or stay safe…ME.
The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ~ Pema Chödrön
You’ve done the best you can. Keep inquiring.
Love, Grace
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I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.
If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory.
We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together.
Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way…
But I digress!
The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built.
During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?
I could do this by myself faster
Lining up the screws in perfectly spaced order is totally unnecessary
Don’t step there with your dirty shoe!
Did I say faster? That this should be going faster?
Who moved the hammer?
If I had more money, I would have paid for an already-built wardrobe
Why don’t you know how to do this kind of thing blind-folded?
Where is the FLAT HEAD screw driver?
Give me the directions!
What time is it…I thought this would be done faster
The whole thing was hysterically funny, really.
I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water.
At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled.
AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG!
Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything.
The Work can be applied on any stressful situation.
Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture!
This should go faster. Is that true?
Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently?
What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life?
Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone?
What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant?
The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack.
Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym.
These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL?
The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better.
No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create.
It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life.
This experience should go exactly as it is going.
In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes.
That’s the job of Something Else.
“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64
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Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register.
Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.
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Have you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….