Tag: enemies

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I have created a world where enemies are possible

Still some space in the May retreat for commuters only. We’re almost full, but if you’re considering, there’s still room. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals through Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work. May 11-14.

Breitenbush is starting to fill and this is one where the choice housing sells out fast (little gorgeous private cabins). Read about it HERE. Only one more month for early bird rate. (27 CEUs). June 21-25.

Being With Byron Katie July 8-11 on north Capitol Hill heart-of-Seattle private little home. 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, and simple large living room with excellent seating. Bedrooms available for those who wish to stay overnight (very low price compared to alternatives). Total silence for 4 days onsite, with two 3-hour sessions of streaming Byron Katie live to us from Switzerland. Only $185, probably the most inexpensive way possible to spend time with Byron Katie. 24 CEs for Certification Candidates in Institute for The Work. “The highlight of my entire year” ~ Summer 2016 participant.

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Do you see yourself as the victim of a circumstance or situation or an interaction with someone?

Even the teensiest tiniest bit?

Because I’ve found, when I feel this way even just a wee smidgeon, the mind will take off so fast on how that person, or reality and life itself, Done Me Wrong.

Seriously, did you hear what she said? Oh, and that’s nothing. One time a man I know hurt me by….And then there was the time I broke my leg, hurt my back, got yelled at….Oh and also she betrayed me, it was terrible.

The mind kicks in with a story (or now that you’re asking, 100 stories) and goes from zero to 260 miles per hour in 4 seconds flat on how terrible, awful, horrible it was and I’m still getting over it today. It sets records with stories of being a victim and that person doing you wrong.

At least, that’s how my mind has run.

It’s not easy. And it can be incredibly frightening.

You see how you were hurt. Maybe over and over again, like some kind of weird recording loop getting stuck and playing repeatedly. A haunted house.

We’ll say to ourselves DO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT…MOVE ON!!

But no.

It’s right here in my consciousness, in my psyche. I’m thinking about it when awake at night.

I’ve received a few emails and had some individual sessions lately with beautiful inquirers who were really, really afraid and have experienced some pretty intense trauma in the past.

Can you do The Work on these dreadful situations? But they’re so frightening! How could asking four questions handle that heart-wrenching experience?

The astonishing thing is….I’ve found The Work CAN handle these experiences.

I mean, what else really is the problem except my thinking about it?

Because the event, the person, the situation, the circumstance….

….is actually over right now, in this present moment.

If you have trouble even thinking about going back to the difficulty, the pain, the terror, the trauma….here’s one thought you can question right now:

“I can’t handle this!”

People come with this thought in the eating peace program about a moment of compulsion all the time, but really it arises for many in all kinds of situations.

I can’t handle this feeling, this memory, this awareness, this incident, this image, this experience. I seriously Can’t Handle It. Don’t make me!

So before we even start questioning the thoughts about who did it and what happened and what you believe about what happened, if you notice great fear rising up about even doing The Work on something….let’s do The Work on this first thought, OK?

You can’t handle it.

Is it true?

Yes. This ruins my whole day. I just want to be over it, and never think about it again. I’m making myself sick about this. I HATE this memory. I want it to turn OFF. PLEASE. I’m getting tortured here. I really can’t handle it!!!!!!!!!

(Lots of exclamation points).

But can you absolutely know this is true that you can’t handle it?

Look around.

Where are you?

Are you being held up by the ground, the floor, a chair, a bed perhaps? Are you breathing, even if you think you can’t breathe?

I can’t know it’s absolutely true. I notice I’m handling it, even if it barely feels like it. Even if I’m scared to death.

How do you react when you believe you can’t handle it?

Totally freaking out.

Body full of resistance and tightness. Resentful. Defensive. Anxious.

So who would you be without the belief you can’t handle this?

Here you are in this situation: human remembering a painful event. Full of feelings. Flooded. Paralyzed (you think). But entirely without the thought you can’t handle it.

I know it isn’t comfortable.

This isn’t the blissful experience of being without thought.

Notice what’s actually true, though. Even if you have a nervous breakdown (or you could call it a huge crack and shift of consciousness). What I notice is you CAN handle it.

You already ARE handling it. You HAVE handled it.

Here’s a way that’s worked for me, to be with this wondering of who you are without your belief you can’t handle it: imagine your left elbow or your pinkie finger, or your skin.

These parts of you as a living entity handled it. You weren’t running, or needing to control, or being the manager of your pinkie finger and whether or not it could handle it. Maybe you aren’t running your mind either, as it dives off the diving board into fear. It’s just being itself, trying to protect and make sense of something.

The same mind can answer questions….it LOVES questions. It loves getting simpler, and finding answers.

You CAN handle your feelings.

What if they are here to help out? What if they’re suggesting you have some brilliantly powerful work to do?

Turning it around:

It can’t handle me.

How could this be as true, or truer?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in form that we haven’t understood yet. And questioning the mind allows beliefs to simply arise. The quiet mind realizes that no belief is true, it is immovable in that, so there’s no belief it can attach to. It’s comfortable with them all….Projection would have us see reality as a ‘them’ and a ‘me’, but reality is much kinder….If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 230

That thing I perceive as so traumatic? It can’t handle whatever this “me” is. This me is vast and expansive. This me is mind and thought, life force, presence, awareness. This me is consciousness, being human. Undefinable really. Mysterious.

The thoughts are puffs of smoke like those little exploding mushrooms in nature. Poof.

If I looked into a basket of my thoughts about that terrible trauma, I’d see air. Nothing. It’s all flashing images of a magnificent creative mind, re-member-ing. Attempting to tie things together, that aren’t actually together.

It’s OK that this mind tries to make sense. The mind itself is also not the enemy. It is a friend, bringing an offering, for inquiry.

It can’t handle you.

That’s truer.

Much love,
Grace

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No such thing as someone who is against you

enemy
If you think someone is your enemy because you said “no”….do The Work (and it doesn’t mean you say “yes” when you’re through)

A weird thing happened with a friend and colleague.

Have you ever been torn up about hurting, disappointing, or making someone else anxious because you said “no”?
Well….I have a friend. We were on the very same page with shared interests in spirituality, philosophy, mindfulness–intrigued by the same topics and the recovery process from addiction and other difficult human conditions.
Even though we lived pretty far away from each other, and little time or space, she’d share a link on facebook chathead from a lecture she heard, then I’d ask her about her recovery process a few years earlier and how the info in the lecture applied. Then I’d send a video link, or a book review. She’d reply.
It was like two colleagues sharing research in many ways, and also knowing a bit (certainly not all) of each others’ details of personal history.
I’m fascinated by recovery from addiction, intrigued by learning how to teach and facilitate better myself, and totally inspired with peoples’ stories of transformation, in every way.
So this friend asked me if I could have a conversation, instead of sharing research information the way we typically had.
We had a long talk, while I walked with bluetooth headset in my ears, on a Thursday evening. She shared more of her personal story. It was a close, long conversation. I was walking so it felt OK to take that time–over an hour….out enjoying the fall air.
I remember going around the block a few times at the end of that walk-n-talk in the cool, dark fall evening, waiting to wrap the conversation and get inside to my husband and daughter who might worry if I’m gone for a super long time on a walk. I remember checking my phone.
Later, another request for a phone call. And how ‘about she travel to my town for tea? It took several months, but I eventually agreed and we met at a coffee house for a conversation about a few of our favorite important authors and using drama and theater as therapy.
I really loved the material. I had (still have) a huge appetite for knowledge. I could probably question the usefulness or sanity of this thirst at times, but mostly it’s wonderful. I am an intense reader. This mind apparently loves to gather information.
But after the tea, the communication escalated.
How about another tea? Oh, you can’t make it? I’ll come to anywhere, how about across the street from your house?
Rats. I really don’t want to.
I’ve had other amazing and brilliant people ask me for coffee/ tea to talk about how to build their private practices, or talk about doing The Work with their clients, or they say “I’d love to pick your brain”.
This felt like the time requested was just….too much. Not available. Not interested, not drawn.
I could feel when it became a “no” as I’m reading the request to get together again in person. And a little clutch of something uncomfortable in my stomach, not unlike the feeling on the walk the previous autumn, when it took 30 minutes to say goodbye.
I’ll disappoint her. But I like her, she’s truly interesting. But I’ll hurt her feelings. But we’re on the same page. But this particular request has red flags all over it because why is she coming to my neighborhood all the way from an hour away? And it would be insulting to ask for fees so I can schedule it during work hours (plus she doesn’t have the money).
Something’s off. Something wanted here, that isn’t being expressed. Something’s hungry.
I just feel like running away. I feel a flash of alarm.
I tell her I don’t have time for my own mother over the past year (quite true). My time feels very precious and very focused. I tell her I’m actually going more screen-free (true on all accounts) and I delete the messenger chat head app thing. Too much distraction happening, all day long with beeps, vibrates and buzzers.
Now, here’s where something stressful occurred.
I experienced relief. No more facebook on my phone, killing the battery life. Including less interaction with this friend. Me doing less wild consuming of knowledge overall. Me backing off in my own “spiritual hunt” (I’ve talked about the agony of spiritual seeking in other Grace Notes, jeez). I stop having consultations with any teachers myself.
I feel space. I feel greater quiet. Ahhhhhh.
Then a long email letter arrived. From this same friend.
Upset with my silence, my non-responsiveness, my email reply saying I’m not available and that she’s disappointed and frustrated with our relationship.
I’ve been here before with other people I care about. This is not unfamiliar.
“Unless I meet their needs (demands) they’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. They’ll blame me. They’ll feel rage towards me.”
OK now….note: there was no other expression, no actual rage, no one even in the room. This was all what I noticed happening in my own head and gut feeling as I read an upset email. I even felt guilty. She said she was only following my lead with communication frequency. She said she wanted to develop the friendship further. She said she cared about me and was very confused.
Heart sinking. I’m a fast writer. I’m intense. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions or answered them. I should never get close to someone via technology. I screwed up. I’m the one facebook chat-heading too much. I’m a shitty person, unclear, passive, wrong. This is my fault. I should have been able to see she was tender, vulnerable, not very strong. I should have taken more care. I should, this should, it should, oh no.
STOP. (Do you hear the back-up truck beeping??!)
I know when I move into “I am a shitty person” thoughts, then I’m deflecting, out of the actual situation, into attacking myself….
….and holding the belief as absolutely TRUE that something has gone wrong.
Has it?
I shouldn’t disappoint anyone, ever. If they’re needing my attention, I should say “yes” and help out. If I say “no” they’ll be disappointed, or desperate, or angry, and feel crushed.  
Is this all actually true?
Yikes. This belief system goes way back. I feel like a little kid. I feel like saying “yes, it’s true”.
But I can’t absolutely know it. I’m here. I’ve survived other important people wanting my time and attention very, very badly. No one is following me around right now. Nothing terrible is happening.
Having this story is intense, though.
Pictures of someone committing suicide because I say “no”, even though this has not occurred directly in my life, but it’s been threatened in the past. I’m the savior, they are suffering horribly.
Pictures of a depressed, unhappy, lonely person in need of rescuing. I sometimes have pictured my dad this way–but I’ve done The Work and I’m very honestly don’t feel the truth of this anyore–and the images still appear. Lonely sad guy. No friends. Needs cheering up. I should do the cheering. Or else.
So who would I be without this story, that this friend needs me to say “yes” in order for us both to be happy?
Wham.
Back in my own business. Standing here, willing to be destroyed, if that’s what happens in the future. Staying in my integrity rather than pretending my “no” isn’t real.
Willing to risk finding out what happens when I say “no” rather than assuming it will be a repeat of “bad” emotional situations in the past when other people got disappointed.
Without the thought, I’m entering the unknown.
Sometimes this Question Four can feel very discombobulating. Quite weird. Without control. Like a WARNING sign is blinking, but you’re walking forward anyway.
Who would you be without the belief that if someone else is disappointed, it’s your fault, or that you can even fix it and make it better?
As I sink into considering this, I feel a distant idea come into focus.
I can relax. Feel compassion for the friend, for me, for anyone who has ever wished for more of my time and not gotten it the way they wanted it.
I turn the story around:
“Unless I meet MY needs THEY will be disappointed, and so will I. Unless they meet their own needs, I’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll WON’T be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. I’ll blame me, they won’t. I’ll feel rage towards them, or towards myself.”
 
Who was disappointed first? Remember the long walking phone call where I “couldn’t get off the phone”? Who didn’t hang up and say goodbye clearly? Am I expecting them to read my mind?
Am I expecting myself to read theirs?
I noticed in my situation with this friend, I didn’t ask some questions because I thought it was rude, or too personal. The answers, however, might have been important for me, and changed the course of the communication.
I notice I’ve got this way of giving everyone what is called the ‘benefit of the doubt’. It doesn’t really mean giving benefit. It means I am passive, so I avoid speaking up about my worries or concerns and therefore don’t have to worry that someone will be insulted by my questions.
Benefit of the Doubt means I don’t let the Other know, whoever they are, that I’m not comfortable in their presence, or I’m picking up on something I can put my finger on. It means I hide.
So much egg-shell walking.
And who am I trying to protect?
Me.
Some part of me, when living in unquestioned thoughts about sharing honestly, doesn’t want to do anything that would result in big emotions, big feelings, big expressions of feelings.
My rule (stressful belief): NO ONE GET UPSET! (Including me).
And here we arrive at a deep, beautiful, abiding, sweet turnaround so many people long to feel.
It’s perfectly OK to feel very deeply, and strongly.
Just because humans do things a little crazy sometimes when they feel deeply (like hurt people, or themselves, or yell, or break things, or panic) doesn’t mean they ALWAYS will hurt people when they feel deeply.
Today I heard a very interesting scientific fact, mentioned by Steven Hayes the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
He said humans are by far the most compassionate primates.
We so love connecting with each other, and understanding one another.
Sometimes, however, connecting is excruciatingly uncomfortable. There are feelings of worry, loss, suffering, sadness, and disappointment.
But it doesn’t have to mean terror, or death, or horror.
It can just mean….here we are bumbling along, not knowing how things will unfold, taking space, coming back together, moving away again, reconnecting….
….but basically caring the whole time.
She should have written to me, she should have been disappointed, she should have been upset, demanding, worried, sad, over-the-top, asking too much, confusing.
Because she was. We’re like that sometimes.
And it doesn’t mean I change my mind, if I don’t.
“It’s not possible for something to be against you. There’s no such thing as an enemy; no person, no belief, not even the ego is an enemy. It’s just a misunderstanding: we perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it….Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe. If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
 
Much love,
Grace
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Bring me an enemy

buddhaKatieQuoteWWGHave you ever gone to an exciting, inspiring, moving, meaningful, thrilling party, or a movie, or a show, a meeting, a class….

….and someone else who went to the very same event….

….hated it?

OK, not so surprising to hear someone on the planet dislikes what they experience, or an event, or a person they meet, or their life (LOL)!

But let’s say….you thought it was in the top ten most fun things you’ve ever done.

How could there be such different viewpoints?

Your friend over there, he hated the lecture, felt angry afterwards, and posted facebook messages advising people never, ever attend a lecture of this kind….

….and you thought it was brilliant and posted facebook messages on how heart-opening it was for you.

Well, it’s no big news that there’s different strokes for different folks, as the old saying goes.

However, if you find yourself feeling stress about someone Not Agreeing it was the best party ever, or the most wonderful workshop, or a great meeting….

….it’s an awesome place to explore with The Work.

What kinds of thoughts come through your mind, if someone doesn’t share the same opinion as you, or agree with you, or like the same thing you like, or vote exactly the same as you?

  • She must be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered
  • He’s too immature, slow, frightened
  • He’s forceful, too opinionated, tries to stir people up
  • How could someone not see it the way I see it? There must be something wrong with them! (Or me).

How do you react when you think someone isn’t seeing something clearly, like you?

How do you react when you believe that person is wrong?!

I avoid them.

I don’t go to places where they hang out. I don’t call or email back. I go to the other side of the room if I see them at a gathering. I feel distant, and maybe sad. I wonder what they’re thinking but don’t go ask them questions. I talk about them to other people I know who might agree with me on how weird it is they voted for that other candidate. I feel nervous, or confused.

Some people shout when they feel anxious or confronted, send angry letters or attack their “enemies’.

So…..stick with one moment when you felt the sting of someone not agreeing with you.

It really helps to narrow it down to one specific moment.

Because, I know, there are some people when you think about them you think big global all-encompassing thoughts like, “We NEVER agree on anything, we are sooooo different, we just don’t get along!”

Picking ONE thing you don’t agree on is far easier than ALL of it.

As you notice how you react when you think “it would be better if they liked what I like” (and they clearly don’t)….

….ask yourself this helpful question:

What would you have, if they agreed with you?

Why would that be so much better, than them NOT agreeing?

Huh.

I imagine this would bring me comfort, pleasure, connection, safety, happiness, a sense of not being alone.

I wouldn’t doubt my own opinions (one secret worry in the background when someone disagrees).

If someone agrees with me, a check mark goes on the list “you’re right!”

As if I needed other peoples’ opinions, or agreement, or collusion.

Who would I be without the belief that this is what I need?

What would it be like, in this situation, if I couldn’t have the thought enter my mind that they should vote the same as me, and there’s something wrong if they aren’t?

What if a big hodge-podge of infinite opinions and possibilities….is Reality and The Way Of It?

(It is, I notice).

How could it be a good thing that this person doesn’t agree with me about that restaurant, movie, workshop, method, idea, flavor, or interest?

Turning the thoughts around:

  • When it comes to this person and their disagreeing with me, could I be closed-minded, screwed up, triggered?
  • Is my thinking is too immature, slow, frightened in this situation?…Could he be experienced, calm, comfortable enough to be expressing his opinion?
  • Am I forceful, too opinionated, and stirring myself up about this unnecessarily by giving myself a heart-attack because someone doesn’t see it my way?
  • How could it even be possible that someone sees it the SAME way I see it? That’s totally impossible, because they are not me!

It is far more true that no one will ever agree with me and see things the very same exact way I do.

That would be weird. And delusional. And boring. And limited. And unexciting, immature, controlling, and closed off.

I notice I love when I learn new things from people, and connect with them in a way beyond opinions, with love and acceptance.

Not war.

I see how incredibly fun it is to not have an enemy, but to have a fascinating friend and representative of another way to look

It’s even an invitation to connect, share, find out more about someone else and how they tick, rather than trying to get the world to agree with me.

“True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Much love, Grace

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Underestimating Your Enemies Means Losing

For all of you who have written with interest about the upcoming Year For The Addictive Mind….stay tuned. I will have many details on both my website and also it will be posted on Byron Katie’s website by the end of this coming weekend.

Even with so many details to finalize, when I awoke this morning, I was thinking, as usual, about the meaning of life, along with when I was going to repair the tear in my coat. Such a rascally rascal, that voice that enjoys figuring things out. As if.

I read a passage the day before where a very old woman who had experienced a truly wonderful and rich life, discovered that at the end of her long days on the planet, she really hadn’t figured out anything yet.

DOH!

All this seeking, learning, analyzing, ruminating, wondering, fascination…it comes and goes in waves of happiness and sadness, despair, grief, ecstasy, joy, peace, fear….all kinds of feelings about everything, coming and going hither and thither.

That big question that Einstein posed…is the universe friendly, or NOT?

Was the little old lady talking about THAT question? I don’t know for sure, but that’s what I was thinking about this morning:

Do I now know, or do I now NOT know, if the universe is friendly?

The usual way of life, for me so far, has been that things are hummin’ along and then something happens, and it gets categorized into Friendly/Not Friendly.

There’s all the reaction, and response, and the A-Teams checking out the casualties (or births), thumbs up, disappointments, up or down…but in the back of the mind a little note-taker who is cataloguing and recording the friendly and not friendly experiences.

I had a Not Friendly experience recently. According to the One Who is Recording In The Catalogue.

And I had to ask myself, as someone who knows the beauty of self-inquiry, what could be the advantage in this situation? I found one, and then another.

It was quite startling, to find advantages so quickly, almost immediately after the Not Friendly occurred.

But then I noticed, it still felt like an emotional blow, like getting hit really hard, injured, damaged, misunderstood. I felt sad.

I felt so very sad, that I had sudden immense, deep doubt in the Friendliness of the Universe.

And then I noticed….in this situation I’m really invested in getting back to positive, to not have to feel so incredibly sad, to manage my wounds.

Positive thinking, finding turnarounds, quickly asking “who would I be without this thought?!” is not The Work if I do it in order to find a good outcome, or get happy.

It’s not The Work if I’m all “QUICK! Remember that it’s a Friendly Universe! OMG Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!”

Trying to make the best of a situation is OK, but it’s not exactly always REAL. It’s not theTruth. It’s trying to impose a positive slant on Reality.

Oops. Remember that quote by Katie..”Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” 

This includes arguments that say that surely, the universe is friendly, when you’re really NOT sure at that particular moment.

I once again realized, when feeling a strong emotional feeling of great grief, that I was judging the actual feeling as bad to feel. The situation, with bad feelings in it, was BAD.

I was trying to draw conclusions from my experience, too, maybe a little too fast. Like a strategy for handling this very terrible situation.

“Gosh golly, this will be a really amazing learning opportunity, this will allow me to practice acceptance of endings/death!”….OR…. “This doesn’t really bother me, I can force myself, surely, into forgetting all about this!”

If someone gets hit by a car, and is lying in the street, we don’t run over to them with blood flowing around them and look into their eyes and say “would you like to do The Work right now?”

This morning, I didn’t do that to myself either.

But now, later in the day….I will. Everything in perfect timing.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy yoru three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~Tao Te Ching #69

My suffering and grief is not my enemy, that person who did something that hurt is not my enemy, this situation is not my enemy.

Are there ways that this is true? Not lets-get-positive ways. Real ways. Is there anything friendly here? Can you find it?

That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Love, Grace