No such thing as someone who is against you

A weird thing happened with a friend and colleague.

Have you ever been torn up about hurting, disappointing, or making someone else anxious because you said “no”?

Well….I have a friend. We were on the very same page with shared interests in spirituality, philosophy, mindfulness–intrigued by the same topics and the recovery process from addiction and other difficult human conditions.

Even though we lived pretty far away from each other, and little time or space, she’d share a link on facebook chathead from a lecture she heard, then I’d ask her about her recovery process a few years earlier and how the info in the lecture applied. Then I’d send a video link, or a book review. She’d reply.

It was like two colleagues sharing research in many ways, and also knowing a bit (certainly not all) of each others’ details of personal history.

I’m fascinated by recovery from addiction, intrigued by learning how to teach and facilitate better myself, and totally inspired with peoples’ stories of transformation, in every way.

So this friend asked me if I could have a conversation, instead of sharing research information the way we typically had.

We had a long talk, while I walked with bluetooth headset in my ears, on a Thursday evening. She shared more of her personal story. It was a close, long conversation. I was walking so it felt OK to take that time–over an hour….out enjoying the fall air.

I remember going around the block a few times at the end of that walk-n-talk in the cool, dark fall evening, waiting to wrap the conversation and get inside to my husband and daughter who might worry if I’m gone for a super long time on a walk. I remember checking my phone.

Later, another request for a phone call. And how ‘about she travel to my town for tea? It took several months, but I eventually agreed and we met at a coffee house for a conversation about a few of our favorite important authors and using drama and theater as therapy.

I really loved the material. I had (still have) a huge appetite for knowledge. I could probably question the usefulness or sanity of this thirst at times, but mostly it’s wonderful. I am an intense reader. This mind apparently loves to gather information.

But after the tea, the communication escalated.

How about another tea? Oh, you can’t make it? I’ll come to anywhere, how about across the street from your house?

I’ve had other amazing and brilliant people ask me for coffee/ tea to talk about how to build their private practices, or talk about doing The Work with their clients, or they say “I’d love to pick your brain”.

This felt like the time requested was just….too much. Not available. Not interested, not drawn.

I could feel when it became a “no” as I’m reading the request to get together again in person. And a little clutch of something uncomfortable in my stomach, not unlike the feeling on the walk the previous autumn, when it took 30 minutes to say goodbye.

I’ll disappoint her. But I like her, she’s truly interesting. But I’ll hurt her feelings. But we’re on the same page. But this particular request has red flags all over it because why is she coming to my neighborhood all the way from an hour away? And it would be insulting to ask for fees so I can schedule it during work hours (plus she doesn’t have the money).

Something’s off. Something wanted here, that isn’t being expressed. Something’s hungry.

I just feel like running away. I feel a flash of alarm.

I tell her I don’t have time for my own mother over the past year (quite true). My time feels very precious and very focused. I tell her I’m actually going more screen-free (true on all accounts) and I delete the messenger chat head app thing. Too much distraction happening, all day long with beeps, vibrates and buzzers.

Now, here’s where something stressful occurred.

I experienced relief. No more facebook on my phone, killing the battery life. Including less interaction with this friend. Me doing less wild consuming of knowledge overall. Me backing off in my own “spiritual hunt” (I’ve talked about the agony of spiritual seeking in other Grace Notes, jeez). I stop having consultations with any teachers myself.

I feel space. I feel greater quiet. Ahhhhhh.

Then a long email letter arrived. From this same friend.

Upset with my silence, my non-responsiveness, my email reply saying I’m not available and that she’s disappointed and frustrated with our relationship.

I’ve been here before with other people I care about. This is not unfamiliar.

OK now….note: there was no other expression, no actual rage, no one even in the room. This was all what I noticed happening in my own head and gut feeling as I read an upset email. I even felt guilty. She said she was only following my lead with communication frequency. She said she wanted to develop the friendship further. She said she cared about me and was very confused.

Heart sinking. I’m a fast writer. I’m intense. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions or answered them. I should never get close to someone via technology. I screwed up. I’m the one facebook chat-heading too much. I’m a shitty person, unclear, passive, wrong. This is my fault. I should have been able to see she was tender, vulnerable, not very strong. I should have taken more care. I should, this should, it should, oh no.

STOP. (Do you hear the back-up truck beeping??!)

I know when I move into “I am a shitty person” thoughts, then I’m deflecting, out of the actual situation, into attacking myself….

….and holding the belief as absolutely TRUE that something has gone wrong.

Has it?

Is this all actually true?

Yikes. This belief system goes way back. I feel like a little kid. I feel like saying “yes, it’s true”.

But I can’t absolutely know it. I’m here. I’ve survived other important people wanting my time and attention very, very badly. No one is following me around right now. Nothing terrible is happening.

Having this story is intense, though.

Pictures of someone committing suicide because I say “no”, even though this has not occurred directly in my life, but it’s been threatened in the past. I’m the savior, they are suffering horribly.

Pictures of a depressed, unhappy, lonely person in need of rescuing. I sometimes have pictured my dad this way–but I’ve done The Work and I’m very honestly don’t feel the truth of this anyore–and the images still appear. Lonely sad guy. No friends. Needs cheering up. I should do the cheering. Or else.

So who would I be without this story, that this friend needs me to say “yes” in order for us both to be happy?

Wham.

Back in my own business. Standing here, willing to be destroyed, if that’s what happens in the future. Staying in my integrity rather than pretending my “no” isn’t real.

Willing to risk finding out what happens when I say “no” rather than assuming it will be a repeat of “bad” emotional situations in the past when other people got disappointed.

Without the thought, I’m entering the unknown.

Sometimes this Question Four can feel very discombobulating. Quite weird. Without control. Like a WARNING sign is blinking, but you’re walking forward anyway.

Who would you be without the belief that if someone else is disappointed, it’s your fault, or that you can even fix it and make it better?

As I sink into considering this, I feel a distant idea come into focus.

I can relax. Feel compassion for the friend, for me, for anyone who has ever wished for more of my time and not gotten it the way they wanted it.

I turn the story around:

Who was disappointed first? Remember the long walking phone call where I “couldn’t get off the phone”? Who didn’t hang up and say goodbye clearly? Am I expecting them to read my mind?

Am I expecting myself to read theirs?

I noticed in my situation with this friend, I didn’t ask some questions because I thought it was rude, or too personal. The answers, however, might have been important for me, and changed the course of the communication.

I notice I’ve got this way of giving everyone what is called the ‘benefit of the doubt’. It doesn’t really mean giving benefit. It means I am passive, so I avoid speaking up about my worries or concerns and therefore don’t have to worry that someone will be insulted by my questions.

Benefit of the Doubt means I don’t let the Other know, whoever they are, that I’m not comfortable in their presence, or I’m picking up on something I can put my finger on. It means I hide.

So much egg-shell walking.

And who am I trying to protect?

Me.

Some part of me, when living in unquestioned thoughts about sharing honestly, doesn’t want to do anything that would result in big emotions, big feelings, big expressions of feelings.

My rule (stressful belief): NO ONE GET UPSET! (Including me).

And here we arrive at a deep, beautiful, abiding, sweet turnaround so many people long to feel.

It’s perfectly OK to feel very deeply, and strongly.

Just because humans do things a little crazy sometimes when they feel deeply (like hurt people, or themselves, or yell, or break things, or panic) doesn’t mean they ALWAYS will hurt people when they feel deeply.

Today I heard a very interesting scientific fact, mentioned by Steven Hayes the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

He said humans are by far the most compassionate primates.

We so love connecting with each other, and understanding one another.

Sometimes, however, connecting is excruciatingly uncomfortable. There are feelings of worry, loss, suffering, sadness, and disappointment.

But it doesn’t have to mean terror, or death, or horror.

It can just mean….here we are bumbling along, not knowing how things will unfold, taking space, coming back together, moving away again, reconnecting….

….but basically caring the whole time.

Because she was. We’re like that sometimes.

And it doesn’t mean I change my mind, if I don’t.

Much love,

Grace