Tag: saying no

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Without a future, it’s a YES or NO right now, not a MAYBE.

This week:
  • Facebook Live 4 pm Tuesday–it’s a regular thing! Write me by replying to this email if you have a concept you’d really love me to take through inquiry on the show
  • Year of Inquiry Information Sessions. We have THREE this week (all Pacific Time). You’ll need a device where you can view slides for these webinars.
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Year of Inquiry brings you to The Work for an entire year with a small group. Let’s question our thinking, and change our world.

Well, it happened.

The thing I prefer not to ever happen. Someone got very upset with me.

I said “no” to a friend (also an old flame) about getting together. I said I just couldn’t go through with it, something felt off about connecting live and in person.

He got very upset and sent me a note.

“You’re a flake, you play games, I liked you long ago and you’re punishing me for it–you can’t let go of the past. You’re completely unreliable. I have no interest in this anymore. Self-inquiry is so boring. You’re absurd.”

Everything in the note, I noticed, had truth in it.

The sadness and recognition of shame, along with sorrow, along with humiliation and seeing how I had hurt someone came crashing in like Niagara Falls.

Plus here’s the kicker: I’m the one who had said “yes” about getting together for a meal in the first place, then I cancelled and offered a new date for a reschedule (several times).

This whole maybe-get-together thing’s been going on for a few years. Yes, that long.

I kept noticing I’d imagine a meeting, think it would be fun and pleasant and perhaps a way to renew or start the friendship over (there are quite a few things I liked about this guy)….

….I’d feel ambiguous, or hesitant, then override the hesitancy, then override the hesitancy to override….

….then when the time would come to make more of a clear meeting date and time, I’d feel very anxious and make excuses that now wasn’t good, but maybe later.

I’d hear a huge “no” inside and say things to myself like “you shouldn’t be afraid, it’s OK” or “what’s the problem, is there something wrong with you?” or “This is only lunch! It might be interesting!”

So I’m sooooooo not surprised with this waffling and mixed messages and ambiguity and fake yeses and dragging on….

….that this man was as confused as I was.

I realize now how much not saying “no” in the present moment when we mean it can hurt others.

Or really, can hurt ourselves.

What was I so afraid of, when it came to saying No?

The reaction I just got.

It was probably worse, however, because I didn’t say it several years ago.

So in this inquiry today, I wanted to find out more about why I’ve refused to be clear about this relationship, and look more closely when I’ve thought “he’s so needy” or “he’ll be hurt if I say no” or “I’ll lose something if I say no”.

I’ve inquired in the past and found clarity around his neediness. My neediness. My judgment of neediness. I’ve inquired about his being hurt. My being hurt. A beautiful connection we genuinely share.

But I had not inquired fully about my own inner ambiguous feeling of sadness when I thought about saying no, saying goodbye, and what I’d lose. 

This can be a very helpful exercise when you feel frightened about saying goodbye to someone, even as you see their beauty, the qualities you love, the happy times you’ve experience with that person that you refuse to admit have ended.

We believe ‘to part ways is terrible’. Friends, lovers, family.

What will you lose, if you part, say no, change it up, when it comes to a relationship?

I’ll lose: humor, laughter, wit, someone sharing creativity and spiritual contemplation, the fun banter and conversation, love. I’ll lose the respect of my current partner. I’ll lose security. I’ll lose a fantasy, a dream. I’ll lose someone who takes care of me either financially or emotionally. I’ll lose attention, kindness, generosity, adventure.

See what it is you believe you’ll have to go without, if you say “no”.

You’ll have to go without it…..is that true?

In my situation, I choose to take a look at the shared laughter and wit. I’ll lose that. I’ll lose his appreciation.

Let’s do The Work.

Is that true that I’ll lose that quality of entertaining and funny dialogue in my life?

No. I have one other close friend who has the same mega-appreciation for laughter-in-all-things and the beauty of entertainment and theater. She’s amazing. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, it’s fabulous. I laugh and laugh, and can talk about anything.

I could bring this more into my life, come to think of it–whether in the company of this lovely friend, or with other people I know.

If you’re following along with this inquiry, and you’ve identified something else you think you’d lose–like security–can you absolutely know it’s true you need it the way it is? Can you absolutely know you’d miss it, if this one person was no longer in your life as much, or they were upset with you for saying “no”?

No.

How do you react when you think by saying “no” you’ll lose something very valuable?

I don’t say it. I’m afraid.

I grab. I hold on tight. I have pictures of what it would look like to lose this quality, this person. I don’t look for it elsewhere. I see my own company as inadequate–not as good alone as I am in the company of the other.

Who would you be without the belief you’ll lose something when you leave, say no, part ways?

Ahhhhhhh.

I’d sigh with the deep, deep relief of being without the thought of imagining loss.

I’d notice people coming and going, doing what they need to do–including me.

Turning the thought around: I will NOT lose anything if this person is less in my life, or I say “no” to them, or I don’t meet them for lunch. I will GAIN something if I say no. Or, I will neither lose, nor gain, anything I don’t already have.

I will lose my own humor, attention, security, joy, laughter when I say “no”. Isn’t this how I’ve been acting? Like all that fun is over there, in that individual, rather than right here with me?

I suddenly remember I’ve had this belief that I’ll lose out if I say no….about money, work, my kids, my husband(s), my family members.

There’s no freedom in worrying about how someone will respond, or dragging on the “yes, maybe” when the answer at the moment is “no”.

There’s no freedom in worrying about how I myself will respond, if I follow the honest “no”.

It’s sweet in this moment to notice that I’m the one who has been anxious about my own “no”. So I haven’t said it. I’ve also been anxious about my own “yes”. So I haven’t said that, either.

What if yes or no are all OK and there’s no possible way to know what will happen next?

“You are the beloved, you’re the closest one to you. You’re the one you want, the one you need, always there for you. Someone comes into your life, or they don’t.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Waking up to reality: love doesn’t mean saying yes

Have you ever been super scared of someone?

Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.

Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.

We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.

But then what?

Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?

What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?

I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.

It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.

As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.

I went deeply into The Work.

After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..

….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.

But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.

Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.

I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”

I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:

I need her to love me again.

It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.

Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.

Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.

I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.

Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?

Phew. So relieved.

Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.

Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.

Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.

Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.

“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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They’re upset…but are you OK?

They don’t like me. They’re upset. I should have done it differently. Who would I be without this very stressful story?

In Year of Inquiry we just started Relationships month. Me and another. What happens when it goes off?

Well here I was, getting the chance to notice…AGAIN.

What was is that was bugging me?

I knew the conversation where it got sparked. I knew the person I had interacted with where some kind of concerned energy woke up inside.

It was actually most recently ignited by only a short email.

I read the email, and suddenly many of the same old danger warnings were going off on the inside.
Often, when the brain is triggered and you’re having a fearful response, no matter what the level, you feel like you can’t think straight. Anxiety, nerves, worry, jumpy…something’s off. The range of emotion can be huge.
It’s almost, however, like the lesser levels of anxiety or nervousness, sadness or irritation, make things more difficult to perceive. Like the colors of the emotion aren’t very vivid. Part of you knows this is no biggie. Part of you moves on with your day.
And part of you keeps thinking of that person’s email and the words, or re-opening the email later to re-read to make sure you got it right.
People tell me they have this murky, uncomfortable, yet unknown feeling when they want to work on their addictions, all the time. “Something’s off, but I don’t know what!”
A typical way to NOT calm down or pull it together is to start telling yourself to. Have you noticed?
That voice comes in trying to be helpful: “You need to get a grip. How many times do you need to do The Work on this? Where are your clear boundaries? You’re the one who re-opened the conversation…is something wrong with you? Are you never going to get this right?”

But we know the voice of self-criticism and wrongness is NOT the one to move towards. That’ll get you stuck self-improving forever. Without ever seeing what you were afraid of in the first place.

So I knew I had to take a look.

By sitting down and writing a worksheet.

I am anxious in this situation because he is soooo needy, demanding, grabby, desperate. He wants something. He doesn’t take no for an answer…..

As I thought about the situation, even after doing The Work and finding so much clarity about this past relationship, and noticing nothing dangerous has ever happened (except in my thinking)….

….I realized I felt worried about saying “no”.

His anger, his disappointment, his criticism.

I’ll let him down. Ugh.

If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot.

(OK, a little dramatic, but that’s what the anxiety says).

Is it true?

Yes! Did you see what he did last time? He couldn’t stop peppering me with questions, it was horrible. He couldn’t stop following me, criticizing me. He’d bring it up every time I saw him. I wanted to avoid him like the plague.

But is it absolutely true?

No. We’ve lived years and years of life without any contact at all. But something persists here, whenever I remember or have a new tiny contact with him. I used to be afraid of running in to him. That’s faded away, but BAM….the minute there’s contact there’s a sick pit in the stomach.

Who would I be without the belief I will incite his anger, no matter what I do? Without the thought that if I say no, if I’m blunt, if I don’t return the email, if I never call, if I tell the truth….he’ll be disappointed? Or if I don’t do any of these things….I’ll get into trouble?

I’d be calm, quiet and honest.

Not even defensive, or trying to generate boldness, or attempting to be any different than I actually am. I’d just be quite simply….honest. And kind.

Honesty might mean not responding. I wouldn’t frantically try to make sure he’s OK before I am. I wouldn’t work extra wildly hard at saying it the “right” way. There would be no worry about the consequences. I’d trust that if I’m running into him, it’s because it needed to happen. What, am I the ruler of the Universe?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot INSIDE MYSELF.

So true. I’ve had the thought since very young that saying “no” is dreadful, so I didn’t do it for years. It just about killed me. I used to eat, instead of saying no. That was a true internal “riot”. I didn’t listen to myself and the anger or sharpness inside, and give it the attention it needed.

Oh, I could give the “no” response respect right now, even in the moment I’m remembering and reading an email. I can sit and do this work and notice the respect I have for myself, and for him, and speak it.

Turning it around again: If he says “no” or expresses his honest opinion or tells the truth…he’ll incite a riot.

Have I ever been told “no” and been deeply, horribly, outrageously disappointed?

Yep. And every single one of those good-byes were amazing, because they brought me back to myself, to me. They freed me from neediness, especially once I had The Work.

Turning it around again: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….there will be no riot. There’d be a riot if I do NOT say no.

Holy Moly.

It could be a great invitation to be super clear, to speak very directly, with the precision of a great artist; no hemming, no hawing, no little tentacles trying to be something other than “no”. No need to be the one being gentle.

Noticing kindness and gentleness might be a “no” just as easily as a “yes”. Noticing the “no” to them is a “yes” to me. No need to be upset with the one asking. Instead, bringing back the sense of awareness into my own center, without getting into someone else’s business.

How do I know I’m supposed to be asked for something I don’t want to give, or am even unable to give at the moment?

I’m being asked.

And it doesn’t mean I have to say yes.

“I understand that our instinct is to move away from what’s not comfortable, to try to get somewhere better, but as my teacher used to say, “You need to take the backward step, not the forward step”….The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Instead of looking for their approval and happiness with me, with my answers, with my “yes” or my “no”….could I look inside right here, where I stand (even with them over there, feeling disappointed) and find peace and love, and acceptance, already present.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One of the best places to work on any relationship in your life that’s ever caused you stress is at a live in-person retreat where you can sink into The Work for 4 days. The power of the inquiry deepens daily. Light-bulbs flash. Your comfort with the issue eases open. Come to spring retreat. Still some spots left. A beautiful time for finding your own freedom. Read about it here.

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He wants me to say “yes” but I feel a “no”

whiny
If someone praises you and really, really wants your attention or help, how do you say “no”? First…The Work. Then….say “no”.

Have you ever noticed that praise sometimes gets you into hot water?

As in, you just get this weird feeling there’s a catch, or you feel uncomfortable because it’s too much?

We all know criticism, aimed at us, feels bad (until you inquire) but what about praise?

Have you ever had someone want to follow you home like a puppy, or call you too often, or take you out on dates too much, or go kind of over the top with their “demands” for your time and attention

Heh heh, notice how I used the word “demands”.

Might be something to question here, right?

In Year of Inquiry Monday morning we started our second month topic: Family of Origin.

As I looked at praise in my first couple of years doing The Work, some powerful revelations came to the surface that led all the way back to FOO (short for family of origin, isn’t it perfect?)

But I didn’t really know, when I first started looking at “praise” that it was so stressful.

At the beginning of every month in Year of Inquiry, we start off with an Introduction Session. This is brand new to any previous year of inquiry groups. Time for Q & A, exercises to help understand and work with the topic, and suggestions for HOW to get into the topic at hand.

And family of origin (FOO), as you certainly know, is a big one.

Which is why I go there early, in month two.

One exercise I offered everyone in YOI is something that worked well for me. Somewhere along the way I noticed I had the same repeating Top Ten Hits over and over when it came to highly charged stressful beliefs.

To be honest, it was more like the Top Three stressful beliefs: I am abandoned, I am unloved, I am starving.

Now, this doesn’t mean I was starving for food, literally (although I ate like this was the case—major clue).

But these thoughts followed me, ready to be riled up or triggered or churned up at a moment’s notice. And that last one, the one where I felt like I was starving, was a tricky little devil for seeking and needing and wanting and craving love.

Praise was like an elixir, like a drug. Give me more. Oh, that person likes me? I shall now follow them everywhere.

I know, yikes. Bummer. Can’t praise be OK? Compliments, someone saying “yes”, I want you, I love you? Can’t those be good things?

Well of course they can be beautiful and supportive words and actions from someone else towards you, but sometimes….

….not so much.

I’ve had a couple of those kinds of relationships, not just potential love relationships, but also friendship without any sexual expectation or attraction whatsoever, and yet still a grabby, hopeful, I-need-you type feeling.

Sometimes, someone even writes to me with some of this energy. It goes with the territory of working with people on their pain and suffering. And it’s OK, because I’ve been doing my work on this. I feel the compassion of how I felt the very same way, and followed the same track of desperation (and then hid it for fear of being too much). I get these people who have tons of questions and want to connect and converse and bond. With inquiry, and having my business itself be to assist the process of feeling desperate, it’s not a problem. I am compensated for my time. I even love answering their emails.

But the other day, an old friend I don’t have much contact with left me a voice message with the words “I needed a friend” and the implication that I wasn’t there for him, being a friend.

Which was true. I wasn’t “there”.

Part of me didn’t like the tone.

You should have heard the chatter start up in my mind, like a forest of disturbed monkeys, as I re-listened to the voice message.

Is he implying I’m not a GOOD friend? I think he is!

He shouldn’t make me feel guilty about not wanting a close, sharing, on-going relationship. He’s soooooo needy! What a clinger. He has plenty of amazing friends and a massive support system to be held up by, why does he need to….

Oh.

Right.

Who started this internal dialogue and fearful war within?

Um. Yeah. I raise my hand.

All that person did was leave a message, expressing himself.

Since we’re in the FOO month of Year Of Inquiry, I became aware of the presence of my father, standing behind the message. The tone, the voice, the hoped-for response, the dilemma, the praise given and therefore an expected return.

He’s sad. My father is sad. He’s in need of love. My father is in need of love. He’s depressed. My father is depressed. He’s going to be upset unless I say “yes”. My father is going to be upset unless I say “yes”.

I should call, this person needs help, I am the one who gives support, my love is requested, my support is desirable….therefore, I must give it.

Otherwise….what? What’s the worst that could happen?

I see the person showing up at my house, in need. I see them needing endless support. I see them believing a good friend is someone who listens….for hours, at the expense of their own time.

A friend is someone who doesn’t say “no”.

Suddenly I also see another family member in my mind’s eye, only a few years ago. “You are family” she is saying. “I would do anything, for any of you, any time. I would give you the shirt off my back. You are the people I’m closest to. Ask me for help, I’m always here.” Tears are running down her cheeks with the emotional feeling she’s expressing of love and care for family.

And then, someone in the family did something, said something, and this very same person is not speaking to the entire family. She is not reachable, she shows up at zero family events, and she’s been vicious and angry with her words.

So much hurt, so much pain and agony.

THAT is the worst that could happen, I realize. (See #1 Top Three Stressful Beliefs Above).

When you don’t do what they need, in the name of love, you arebanished.

Banishment leads to starvation, which leads to grabbing and gorging, which leads to banishment. Oh lord, the pendulum swings so far out of the middle, your head gets whacked back and forth.

So let’s look at this unusual place of too much praise, in the other person, and thoughts about needing to rescue, or respond, or say “yes”….and if it’s really true!

He needs my attention, kindness, and love. We have to talk if he wants to talk, and spend time together. I need to say “yes” to make him happy.

Is that true?

Woah.

It’s not.

I can feel love, joy, appreciation for someone I really honestly care deeply about, and not be hanging out with them, or communicating with them, or living with them, or supplying them with help.

I can say no to any of that.

How do I react when I believe the thought he needs my love, attention, kindness? When I believe I need to say “yes” to make him happy?

OMG, it’s sooooo stressful.

Hand-wringing. Compromising. Pretending. Smiling when I don’t feel like it. Making excuses. Acting nice when I don’t feel so nice.

Ugh.

Who would I be without this story that this other person needs me, or would be so happy if I gave attention, or love, or approval?

So free.

Free to come and go, say “yes” and say “no” in the way that’s TRULY honest and natural.

Without the belief, I trust myself and I trust reality….I feel the “no” or the “yes” and I honor it, instead of debating it or fearing it.

Turning the thoughts around: He does not need my attention, kindness, or love. I need my own attention, kindness and love. I need his attention, kindness and love. 

We do not have to talk if he wants to talk, or spend time together. I need to say “no” to make him happy. I need to say “yes” to myself to be happy.

Yes, I need to follow my own inner movement. I can say “yes” and then change my mind. I can say “no” right from the start. I can say whatever the words are that respond to what I feel honestly, without mincing them or changing them all around or making them light so they land well (and wind up confusing).

He doesn’t need anything from me. He is self-sufficient, gentle by nature, and sorting out his life (this fits for my dad, it fits for my friend). He doesn’t need me to say “yes” in order to be happy! He has happy times, and busy times, and a whole entire life without me.

It’s more efficient, even, if I say “no” when I mean it. For everyone involved.

And wow….I haven’t realized how much I love the praise at being an attentive, kind, caring, wise person. I needed my dad’s approval. My friend’s approval.

Yikes.

What if I needed their DIS-approval, when I say “no” after they asked for my time and attention?

With their disapproval, rather than praise, I might see how I stick with my “no” even if they don’t like it. I might not do love-hate flip-flops like the family member I mentioned who loves then hates everyone.

If I’m disapproved of, rather than praised, I might remain very steady, open and available. I would do The Work. I could keep sharing and communicating. I would not feel the need to force any firmness, but just feel willing and kind. I remember what it’s like to disapprove of someone if they don’t praise me or say “yes” to me.

I could trust myself to be with that other person, freely. And they could trust me to be a truth-teller.

“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” ~ Byron Katie

When they praise you and you notice that you love them (and love yourself) with all your heart, your Work is done.

Much love,

Grace

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No such thing as someone who is against you

enemy
If you think someone is your enemy because you said “no”….do The Work (and it doesn’t mean you say “yes” when you’re through)

A weird thing happened with a friend and colleague.

Have you ever been torn up about hurting, disappointing, or making someone else anxious because you said “no”?
Well….I have a friend. We were on the very same page with shared interests in spirituality, philosophy, mindfulness–intrigued by the same topics and the recovery process from addiction and other difficult human conditions.
Even though we lived pretty far away from each other, and little time or space, she’d share a link on facebook chathead from a lecture she heard, then I’d ask her about her recovery process a few years earlier and how the info in the lecture applied. Then I’d send a video link, or a book review. She’d reply.
It was like two colleagues sharing research in many ways, and also knowing a bit (certainly not all) of each others’ details of personal history.
I’m fascinated by recovery from addiction, intrigued by learning how to teach and facilitate better myself, and totally inspired with peoples’ stories of transformation, in every way.
So this friend asked me if I could have a conversation, instead of sharing research information the way we typically had.
We had a long talk, while I walked with bluetooth headset in my ears, on a Thursday evening. She shared more of her personal story. It was a close, long conversation. I was walking so it felt OK to take that time–over an hour….out enjoying the fall air.
I remember going around the block a few times at the end of that walk-n-talk in the cool, dark fall evening, waiting to wrap the conversation and get inside to my husband and daughter who might worry if I’m gone for a super long time on a walk. I remember checking my phone.
Later, another request for a phone call. And how ‘about she travel to my town for tea? It took several months, but I eventually agreed and we met at a coffee house for a conversation about a few of our favorite important authors and using drama and theater as therapy.
I really loved the material. I had (still have) a huge appetite for knowledge. I could probably question the usefulness or sanity of this thirst at times, but mostly it’s wonderful. I am an intense reader. This mind apparently loves to gather information.
But after the tea, the communication escalated.
How about another tea? Oh, you can’t make it? I’ll come to anywhere, how about across the street from your house?
Rats. I really don’t want to.
I’ve had other amazing and brilliant people ask me for coffee/ tea to talk about how to build their private practices, or talk about doing The Work with their clients, or they say “I’d love to pick your brain”.
This felt like the time requested was just….too much. Not available. Not interested, not drawn.
I could feel when it became a “no” as I’m reading the request to get together again in person. And a little clutch of something uncomfortable in my stomach, not unlike the feeling on the walk the previous autumn, when it took 30 minutes to say goodbye.
I’ll disappoint her. But I like her, she’s truly interesting. But I’ll hurt her feelings. But we’re on the same page. But this particular request has red flags all over it because why is she coming to my neighborhood all the way from an hour away? And it would be insulting to ask for fees so I can schedule it during work hours (plus she doesn’t have the money).
Something’s off. Something wanted here, that isn’t being expressed. Something’s hungry.
I just feel like running away. I feel a flash of alarm.
I tell her I don’t have time for my own mother over the past year (quite true). My time feels very precious and very focused. I tell her I’m actually going more screen-free (true on all accounts) and I delete the messenger chat head app thing. Too much distraction happening, all day long with beeps, vibrates and buzzers.
Now, here’s where something stressful occurred.
I experienced relief. No more facebook on my phone, killing the battery life. Including less interaction with this friend. Me doing less wild consuming of knowledge overall. Me backing off in my own “spiritual hunt” (I’ve talked about the agony of spiritual seeking in other Grace Notes, jeez). I stop having consultations with any teachers myself.
I feel space. I feel greater quiet. Ahhhhhh.
Then a long email letter arrived. From this same friend.
Upset with my silence, my non-responsiveness, my email reply saying I’m not available and that she’s disappointed and frustrated with our relationship.
I’ve been here before with other people I care about. This is not unfamiliar.
“Unless I meet their needs (demands) they’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. They’ll blame me. They’ll feel rage towards me.”
OK now….note: there was no other expression, no actual rage, no one even in the room. This was all what I noticed happening in my own head and gut feeling as I read an upset email. I even felt guilty. She said she was only following my lead with communication frequency. She said she wanted to develop the friendship further. She said she cared about me and was very confused.
Heart sinking. I’m a fast writer. I’m intense. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions or answered them. I should never get close to someone via technology. I screwed up. I’m the one facebook chat-heading too much. I’m a shitty person, unclear, passive, wrong. This is my fault. I should have been able to see she was tender, vulnerable, not very strong. I should have taken more care. I should, this should, it should, oh no.
STOP. (Do you hear the back-up truck beeping??!)
I know when I move into “I am a shitty person” thoughts, then I’m deflecting, out of the actual situation, into attacking myself….
….and holding the belief as absolutely TRUE that something has gone wrong.
Has it?
I shouldn’t disappoint anyone, ever. If they’re needing my attention, I should say “yes” and help out. If I say “no” they’ll be disappointed, or desperate, or angry, and feel crushed.  
Is this all actually true?
Yikes. This belief system goes way back. I feel like a little kid. I feel like saying “yes, it’s true”.
But I can’t absolutely know it. I’m here. I’ve survived other important people wanting my time and attention very, very badly. No one is following me around right now. Nothing terrible is happening.
Having this story is intense, though.
Pictures of someone committing suicide because I say “no”, even though this has not occurred directly in my life, but it’s been threatened in the past. I’m the savior, they are suffering horribly.
Pictures of a depressed, unhappy, lonely person in need of rescuing. I sometimes have pictured my dad this way–but I’ve done The Work and I’m very honestly don’t feel the truth of this anyore–and the images still appear. Lonely sad guy. No friends. Needs cheering up. I should do the cheering. Or else.
So who would I be without this story, that this friend needs me to say “yes” in order for us both to be happy?
Wham.
Back in my own business. Standing here, willing to be destroyed, if that’s what happens in the future. Staying in my integrity rather than pretending my “no” isn’t real.
Willing to risk finding out what happens when I say “no” rather than assuming it will be a repeat of “bad” emotional situations in the past when other people got disappointed.
Without the thought, I’m entering the unknown.
Sometimes this Question Four can feel very discombobulating. Quite weird. Without control. Like a WARNING sign is blinking, but you’re walking forward anyway.
Who would you be without the belief that if someone else is disappointed, it’s your fault, or that you can even fix it and make it better?
As I sink into considering this, I feel a distant idea come into focus.
I can relax. Feel compassion for the friend, for me, for anyone who has ever wished for more of my time and not gotten it the way they wanted it.
I turn the story around:
“Unless I meet MY needs THEY will be disappointed, and so will I. Unless they meet their own needs, I’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll WON’T be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. I’ll blame me, they won’t. I’ll feel rage towards them, or towards myself.”
 
Who was disappointed first? Remember the long walking phone call where I “couldn’t get off the phone”? Who didn’t hang up and say goodbye clearly? Am I expecting them to read my mind?
Am I expecting myself to read theirs?
I noticed in my situation with this friend, I didn’t ask some questions because I thought it was rude, or too personal. The answers, however, might have been important for me, and changed the course of the communication.
I notice I’ve got this way of giving everyone what is called the ‘benefit of the doubt’. It doesn’t really mean giving benefit. It means I am passive, so I avoid speaking up about my worries or concerns and therefore don’t have to worry that someone will be insulted by my questions.
Benefit of the Doubt means I don’t let the Other know, whoever they are, that I’m not comfortable in their presence, or I’m picking up on something I can put my finger on. It means I hide.
So much egg-shell walking.
And who am I trying to protect?
Me.
Some part of me, when living in unquestioned thoughts about sharing honestly, doesn’t want to do anything that would result in big emotions, big feelings, big expressions of feelings.
My rule (stressful belief): NO ONE GET UPSET! (Including me).
And here we arrive at a deep, beautiful, abiding, sweet turnaround so many people long to feel.
It’s perfectly OK to feel very deeply, and strongly.
Just because humans do things a little crazy sometimes when they feel deeply (like hurt people, or themselves, or yell, or break things, or panic) doesn’t mean they ALWAYS will hurt people when they feel deeply.
Today I heard a very interesting scientific fact, mentioned by Steven Hayes the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
He said humans are by far the most compassionate primates.
We so love connecting with each other, and understanding one another.
Sometimes, however, connecting is excruciatingly uncomfortable. There are feelings of worry, loss, suffering, sadness, and disappointment.
But it doesn’t have to mean terror, or death, or horror.
It can just mean….here we are bumbling along, not knowing how things will unfold, taking space, coming back together, moving away again, reconnecting….
….but basically caring the whole time.
She should have written to me, she should have been disappointed, she should have been upset, demanding, worried, sad, over-the-top, asking too much, confusing.
Because she was. We’re like that sometimes.
And it doesn’t mean I change my mind, if I don’t.
“It’s not possible for something to be against you. There’s no such thing as an enemy; no person, no belief, not even the ego is an enemy. It’s just a misunderstanding: we perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it….Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe. If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
 
Much love,
Grace
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Are you becoming a doormat by doing The Work?

Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing....if you think doing The Work means being passive....you might want to question it.
Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing….if you think doing The Work means being passive….you might want to question it.

I have a private monthly group (open again for new members in fall 2016) that meets on Sundays for 3 hours. We met this past weekend here at Goldilocks Cottage.

A member of the group brought up a brilliant and powerful question about The Work and inquiry. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.

What if I become OK with everything, nothing bothers me, and I wind up becoming incredibly…..passive?

Like, I don’t mind anything that happens?

And it looks like me not speaking up, me never saying “no”, people doing whatever they want even if it’s taking my stuff or walking all over me, me not caring about things that I actually SHOULD be caring about, me quitting things, me not taking action, me nevertrying to achieve anything?

Ha ha, I love this question.

Over a decade ago, when I first was doing The Work after I attended The School with Byron Katie, I was dating and going through a divorce.

The very first guy I dated in my new single life was a super interesting character, like so many humans are.

Only a few dates into the experience of getting to know him, I was writing worksheets. The worksheets continued, even though we actually didn’t see each other that much and mostly had some long phone conversations with long gaps in between. It felt like a push-pull, on-off, go-stop, mixed-feeling relationship, fairly confusing.

I found a lot of disturbing traits in this man, and I wrote about them and took them through the inquiry process.

One weekend I was at an event with Byron Katie (I had the good fortune to attend quite a few in a condensed period of time back then).

I raised my hand.

“Katie….I keep doing The Work on this same very annoying man in my life and our conversations and interactions….but I’m not getting past my irritation. I feel sooooo angry.”

We had a discussion about repetitive work, motive, trying to “get” somewhere else, pushing oneself into being nice, going against what you really want, mistrusting oneself, not saying “no”, being afraid, trying to manipulate so you don’t get hurt.

Katie describes this aspect of doing The Work as doing it with a MOTIVE. Meaning, you already have planned or mapped out where you want your feeling-state or your answers to bring you. You already have mapped out where you imagine yourself to be, and what would be best for you, for the other, for the world.

I wanted to be easy-going, happy, non-judgmental, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of this guy I was dating….who I actually didn’t really like that much.

Yes, yes, yes, he was perfectly acceptable as a human being on the planet and could live his life the way he liked (which he reported was full of suffering, depression, anger, addiction and a tremendous amount of anxiety).

Yes, yes, yes I could have (and still have) a sense of compassion for the torture people, like this man, put themselves through by not questioning their thoughts.

But that didn’t mean I had to live with him, as Katie says.

I did not have to be his personal right-hand-woman, or to date him, or to even talk with him if I really didn’t want to.

Katie said to me some powerful words in the conversation we had, that I’ve never forgotten: “Grace, how do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!”

Oh.

Wow.

You mean…..I’ve not supposed to make myself Not Angry if I am? I’m not supposed to force myself to hang out with someone I don’t find very interesting, or loving, or willing, when that time arrives?

Now, don’t get me wrong.

I had absolutely amazing conversations with this man for awhile. Really curious, truly incredible insights. Deep sharing, practicing saying things out loud that I never did before, hearing things I genuinely needed to hear, noticing how much identity I had all wrapped up in “relationship” and allowing that to be questioned and dissolved.

It’s just that it had a shelf life.

I did The Work on powerful situations and events, like “he shouldn’t like porn” or “he is greedy and terrified with money” and “he shouldn’t criticize me.”

I was stunned and liberated with the turnarounds: I shouldn’t like the “porn” of being mesmerized by thinking about him and his porn, I shouldn’t be addicted to incessantly seeing what I don’t like about him or men or dating or sexuality or couples or breaking up. I shouldn’t be terrified and greedy with money. I shouldn’t criticize him, or myself.

After noticing, deeply, my own anger…..and through Katie’s words finding the deepest permission to allow anger to be alive and present….

….I felt an equally passionate surge of JOY.

I knew to stop torturing him, but most of all to stop torturing myself, with my thoughts, and to be HONEST in my inquiry.

For the first time in my entire life, I broke up with someone rather than withdrawing quietly, or trying to prevent someone else’s anger towards me, or trying to make sure someone else wasn’t hurt by me, or trying to maintain the desperate and false image of All-Kindness-All-The-Time (not).

This was TRUE kindness to everyone involved.

Especially me, and I was the most important person I needed to live with and enjoy and love.

The Work is about accessing the next thought, the next underlying philosophy about life and how you think you “should” be, and dropping what you know that creates suffering.

The Work is about questioning what you see on the surface, and then discovering there’s something else the next layer down, and then another layer, and another, and another.

Sinking deeper and ever deeper into inquiry is like having a huge sense of awareness, for me, of making friends with myself and following the breadcrumbs to the most juicy, delicious, mysterious, exciting, safe and loving center.

Fire is a part of All This.

Trying to fight fire with The Work can give you a nasty, bitter taste of pointlessness, despair, non-action, depression, waiting, joylessness, suppression.

Of course, I had to have the motive I had for as long as I had it, until I noticed it clearly.

And then, when I saw it….poof, it disappeared.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him….” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

I have found doing The Work is never about being passive, or forcing yourself to be quiet, or pleasing, or happy when you aren’t.

It’s the opposite.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat May 13-15 Seattle has a couple of spots left. We have three wonderful days together, with special focus on uncovering your “living turnarounds”….Everyone finds through inquiry the TRUE freedom you want to live, the action you take despite quaking hands and heart-beating with the unknown ahead. This is the alive, awake you that responds to reality with trust….and this includes trust for yourself.

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Feeling Stuck when you need to say “no” to someone?

darkness
bad things can happen if you say “no”….are you sure?

Wow, another meetup! Saturday, November 21st 2-4 pm in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage.

Good time of year to do The Work even more, right?

Also, last chance to join Eating Peace the powerful online program that begins tomorrow to address inner angst and lack of peace when it comes to consuming. Eating Peace is 12 weeks of Tuesday Presentations and Wednesdays in The Work. We always meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time (both days). Everything is recorded if you need to miss.

This is the last time I’ll offer Eating Peace at this fee. When you join, you get access to Eating Peace for life, every time I offer it. Yes, you read that correctly.

*******

Yesterday I was talking with a dear friend.

About his need to say “no” to his parents.

He’s a young adult in his mid-twenties, but as I spoke with him, I thought….

….his age probably doesn’t really matter, not really.

His parents were asking him lots of questions about his life, his career, his goals, his intentions, his direction.

But I’ve talked with plenty of older adults who still thought their parents were nosey, or asked too much, or requested too much information.

If it’s not parents, you might still relate to someone in your life peppering you with questions, or inviting you over, or wanting to spend time, or suggesting you see this movie, or buy that good deal, or get a job at their place of employment.

I once had someone in a class I offered come up at every single break and ask me questions.

I started wanting to duck out the back door.

She should leave me alone!

This is what the young man thought about his parents.

We laugh in the movies about this kind of character who doesn’t get the hint and comes over at awkward hours, or calls at the crack of dawn, or barges into our office when the door was shut with a Do Not Disturb hanging in broad daylight.

What is UP with that person?

Can’t they see I’m trying to have some silence, take a break, get some down time?

What is wrong with them that they would have so many questions?

(I love how the mind will decide something is wrong…with them…because they have questions you don’t want to answer).

What if you could hold on to yourself, as couples therapist David Schnarch so famously puts it….

….no matter WHAT that person is doing, saying, asking, or acting like?

One way to get to your truth, is to see why it is you don’t want to tell it.

So….why don’t you want to tell the truth?

The truth that you don’t feel like talking right now, you don’t want to have a conversation until later, you don’t want to go to that movie, your answer is “no”?

I can’t say “no”! They’ll get hurt, disappointed! They’ll call me two-faced, or someone who isn’t clear. They’ll be upset. They’ll say I led them on. They’ll criticize me for changing my mind. They’ll be so disappointed!

A great way to work with this kind of anxious thinking, about what will happen if you simply tell the truth and tell them your answer, is to imagine it really happens.

Ugh.

They ARE hurt.

They ARE mad.

They HATE you.

Is it true?

Are you sure it’s true?

How do you react when you believe you MUST avoid hurting someone’s feelings in any way possible, or disappointing them, or concerning them?

How do you react when you believe you CAN hurt their feelings?

Careful.

So careful, you might not even know how you feel about something anymore, yourself.

So careful you might feel you have no preferences, you’re completely easy-going, and it’s a terrible risk to reveal you disagree or want to say no to someone you love.

Terrified of the results, the rejection.

I used to be like this.

Honestly, I still get surprised by peoples’ requests sometimes. I don’t have an answer right away all the time.

But it used to take me so long, I would feel stuck in a vice of indecision.

All to avoid that terrible “no” which would then “hurt” this other person.

Who would you be without the belief that the person who has asked you for something will be upset if you say “no”?

Who would you be without the belief that if they DO act upset, you were wrong, bad or a horrible person? Or that you’ll be rejected?

Wow.

You mean….not knowing what the outcome would be, just going with my honest answer?

Holy moly.

It’s so much freedom, and as I said, so different from the way I lived in the past, I still find it odd at times.

Not trying to manipulate any outcome…..including the outcome that seems “kind” which is that they are happy, not disappointed, not hurt, and comfortable?

Wow again.

I turn the thought around: I can’t hurt their feelings with my answer. I can hurt my own feelings, by believing I have the power to hurt theirs. They can hurt my feelings with their responses (when I believe they need to like me, or be happy).

The young man I was speaking with reminded me of a poem.

What if freedom is the greatest movement of all, inside yourself, inside others?

Free to be exactly as you are, without dreading what will happen next.

Give it a try.

“…The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone 
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Sweet Darkness

Much love, Grace

 

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I Didn’t Say No And It Got Me A No

Can you say no when you mean no? If you don't you might feel worse later.
Can you say no when you mean no? If you don’t you might feel worse later.

Last week I had a one-time consultation call with a company to talk about a website upgrade.

I had taken a little free course the company offered to review some tweaks I was interested in adding to my own website.

The consult call was scheduled for one hour, and I knew it was basically a meeting to see if their service was right for me, and could potentially involve…..

…..sales! 

As in, someone pitching me their thing.

Maybe this service would help save me a bunch of time making all the changes myself.

I had many technical questions.

But we had to wait to get to those because when the person called at the appointed hour, he asked me questions like “how would it feel if you had your website totally upgraded and handled?” and “if you could wave a magic wand, what would you want your website to do?”

Well, I already know I’ll feel satisfied and pleased when these changes are made.

DUH.

I wasn’t in a position of needing to be convinced about fixing my website. I love beautiful websites, I enjoy being creative with technology, I like all the new stuff being invented constantly.

I know people get confused about where to find stuff on mine.

We hung up, not complete yet with the conversation because I had a few more questions. We made an appointment to continue the following day.

Which is when a moment arrived.

Yes. A situation.

After getting a lot of my questions answered….I realized his service wasn’t a good deal for me.

I said “thank you for all your information, and I’m not going to sign up with you right now.”

He said “WHAT? I’m really concerned! You mean you’re going to keep sitting there without making any progress on your website, or your business?”

Wait. Was he insulting me?

Fume.

He’s concerned?

I suddenly felt like I was running off the car dealership lot with the car salesman saying “I’m concerned, I’m really concerned!” as I DON’T buy a car.

What a faker!

Sigh. I had my concept for inquiry.

“He wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Is that true?

Well, no. He backed off, he wasn’t happy, he applied all the pressure he could, he repeated how terrible this would be if I said no….

….but then he said I could call him again any time if I changed my mind.

How did I react when I began to believe he wouldn’t take no for an answer?

Angry. I could feel the heat rise from inside my gut, up my throat, into my face. I looked at my watch, I wanted to hang up. I felt like I was talking to an enemy on the phone.

Bummer.

I imagined writing him an email pointing out what a jerk he was and how he came across all sweet and supportive at the beginning but that was fake.

Who would I be without the belief that he wouldn’t take no for an answer?

Deep breath. I’d relax. I’d notice how there are no emergencies. I’m safe in this moment, all is well.

I would tell him there are several things that don’t serve my needs about their services.

I’d hang up if I needed to. I don’t have to stay in the conversation.

I turned the thought around: he would take no for an answer.

Well, first of all, he’s just a man on the phone in another time zone. How could he possibly NOT take no for an answer?

What am I even talking about?

Must I demand that everyone be “nice” and easy-going, cordial, detached and never pressuring me?

How about another turnaround: I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I didn’t stop him 5 minutes into the original conversation and say “I don’t really want to have a coaching/sales conversation, I basically have a few technical questions to run by you, then I can decide yes/no for this website service thing, ok?”

I didn’t interrupt him when I thought the initial conversation was winding and dragging in other directions.

Who wasted everyone’s time?

Me.

He was doing his job. He probably had a script, and was following what he knew to do.

I was the one who didn’t say no the minute I felt a “no”.

This is not a new experience. I’ve done this before, hoping that if I say “yes” it will be easy, smooth, non-confrontive, and I’ll avoid someone being disappointed or wanting to pressure me further.

I wouldn’t take no for an answer, from myself, or from him.

Yikes, so true.

I wind up often thinking “yes” is better than “no”. I want to dream of yes, not no. I like the idea of yes, yes, yes. It sounds fun, thrilling, like flying, or hang-it-all-do-whatever-you-want!

YES! YES!

But, wait. No is good, too, on planet earth, you say?

Wow.

What if I celebrated NO just as much as YES and welcomed the deep, powerful, empty, unknown consequences of NO.

“There was an exhausted woodcutter who kept wasting time and energy chopping wood with a blunt ax because he did not have the time, he said, to stop and sharpen the blade.” ~ Anthony DeMello

In those recent exchanges, where I judged Mr. Website Coach Salesman as salesy and pressuring me and insulting me….

….and all those other times I have overlooked saying “no” and thought of someone as going on and on, or being rude, or being too intense….

….hasn’t that been just like chopping wood with a blunt ax?

Saying no is much more efficient. It only takes one or two strokes, and the tree is down.

Then, you get to move on to the next thing.

Love, Grace

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Changing Your Mind Is Loving

Have you ever wanted to change your mind about something, and felt anxious?

You buy a brand new sweater, maybe its expensive for you.

You take it home….but then, rats.

I’m not sure I love this as much as I thought. Now that I have it here at home, it doesn’t look as great as I thought in the store. 

You think “maybe I’ll take it back”.

Later on, when you look at it again, you decide yes, you are taking it back, and you rummage through the garbage can for the receipt.

This is such a hassle, I wish I hadn’t bought the sweater in the first place…I KNEW I didn’t love it 100%. Now I have to go all the way back to that store downtown and fight with parking.

Or maybe you’re invited to a big party. When you first got the invitation, it sounded really exciting. You sent an RSVP of “YES! I’ll be there with a +1 GUEST!”

The day of the event comes and you’re heavy into doing a major closet-cleaning project, you feel so good about finally doing it and you’re on a roll…and you start thinking “maybe I won’t go after all, I could really use this time to finish this project!”

But you’re worried you’re going to miss an epic gathering, miss seeing some great people, disappoint the host.

You go anyway, and as you walk in you realize your favorite people aren’t there, it’s boring, and your house project seems so much more appealing.

You got it. You know what you want to do.

Not this.

A good friend of mine told me once when she was dating mid-life after twenty years of marriage, at first she was crazy nervous.

After getting over the jitters of “will the person like me?” she discovered….what about if I’m not feeling it, and I have no further interest in them?

Could she actually say to this new person….

….thanks for meeting, and I’m now done….

….even if it was only 15 minutes into the date?

It would be so rude to change her mind!!

Right?

Always some level of hassle about the change. You’re saying you don’t want it, when before you said you did.

Rude.

Are you sure, though?

Where did that “don’t be rude” rule come from anyway?

Why is it considered “rude”?

Because of the meaning that might be assumed to be true behind this change-of-mind.

Liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able.

Not liking something means you’re closed, picky, disconnected, ungrateful, judgmental, standoffish, unwilling, separate.

But is any of that really true?

No.

Funny how the feeling inside persists that saying yes to something is easier than saying no.

So this inquiry is for that part that still wants to say yes, instead of no, the part that still thinks yes is being easy-going and fun, and no is being rude.

How do you react when you think as something enters your life, saying yes to it with open arms is easier, happier, more fun, more exciting, more like-able? And saying no is colder, more unfriendly, more resistant or ungrateful?

I say yes. All the time.

If I feel a “no” inside, I analyze it, mull it over, question it, wonder what others will think of me, worry about their feelings. ANXIETY!

Thinking overload. I may talk to others about it, get their opinion.

What do YOU think of this sweater? Are you going to the party? Are you enjoying yourself?

If THEY say yes, you add it to the points in your own “yes” category, boost them up a bit (notice it may seem to help, but it really doesn’t).

Who would you be without the belief that saying yes is better than saying no? In any situation?

Sooooo much more relaxed. Allowing things to unfold and roll along as they do. Noticing my “no” and feeling joyful and happy about it. Loving what I take in about other people’s opinions, valuing them and hearing them, and knowing when consulting others is done.

Turning these thoughts around: changing my mind is beautiful, sweet, loving, kind, surprising, interesting, fascinating.

I notice that the more I relax with the present moment “yes” or “no” that’s inside my heart, the less decision-agony I have in my life.

In fact, it’s like night and day.

I used to get sick to my stomach when I thought about changing my mind. Or trying to over-consider what other people would think, how they would react, what they might say, do, or feel if I did. Or what I might miss out on, how I might fail.

I wound up being more rude when I agonized about changing my mind in the past, than I ever am nowadays.

I was rude to myself, I was rude to the present-moment experience, trying to make the perfect un-rude choice.

What if NOT liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able?

WOOHOO!

“I have to go inside myself and find genuine answers, answer that are true for me. When I find what is true for me, there are no obstacles anymore. There are no barriers between me and my partner, or between me and anyone in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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When You Want To Say No But Can’t

I can’t tell him.  

My client welled up with tears, almost unable to speak. She choked on her words, and sobbed. “I didn’t sleep all night.” Her boyfriend of five years had to move since the place he rented was sold by the owner. She knew she didn’t want him to move in with her.

She also knew he would be very hurt if she told him the truth.

Giving someone “bad” news, before you even deliver it, can wreak havoc on the nervous system if you have a lot of beliefs about Not Hurting Other Peoples’ Feelings.

Never hurt other people. Ever!

This means if they have a look on their face that could be interpreted as sad, upset, irritated, angry, frightened, anxious or devastated….

….then that feeling needs to be eradicated inside that other person ASAP.

Especially if YOU had anything to do with it.

So if you know that the other person is going to cry, or feel terrified, or get disappointed about something you are thinking or something you want to say, then you better be quiet and slip out the back door.

Heh Heh. Not that I can relate or anything.

It is quite terrible to have three opposing thoughts running as very deep, maybe very old beliefs at the same time: 1) It’s terrible to hurt someone’s feelings, 2) I want to say NO, 3) If I say NO it will hurt his feelings.

Here we go round the mulberry bush, loop-dee-loop roller-coaster.

Stop this thing, I wanna get off!

Let’s do The Work.

“I can hurt someone’s feelings if I say NO.”

Is that true?

Yes. I saw his face. I know it.

Can you absolutely 100% beyond-any-doubt know it?

No. It appears that life goes on for most people even when they receive a “no”. It’s a simple answer. They get to move on to the next thing. They take as long as they take. It’s quite complicated sometimes. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with me. At all.

How do you react when you believe that he can be hurt by you saying NO?

Bottled up like a cork going around on a Disney Land ride that never quits. Dizzy and sick.

Who would you be without the thought that saying no is hurtful?

Really? Wow. Liberating.

“Give me a peaceful reason to believe this insane idea that you could have that much influence over anyone….As long as you think that it’s compassionate for human beings, and loving, to believe that you can hurt someone….that’s crazy where I come from. I don’t have that power.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I can’t hurt someone’s feelings with my NO. I can hurt my own feelings with their NO.

Ooh.

That person over there, who I love dearly, and who hears my NO is actually filtering this answer through an entire history and world of past experience. I can sit here and cherish them, and know they are fine even though my answer is NO.

Once, a father and daughter came to see me to do The Work. They were remarkable in their honesty and love for each other. The daughter did a worksheet on her dad. She was upset that he said NO to giving her financial support, and he clearly had it to give.

But with a loving heart he spoke what appeared to be deeply true for him. “I love you and want you to find your own way with money.”

They hugged a long, tender hug at the end of the powerful session. The truth was spoken.

Everyone lived.

And then there’s me and all the times I myself got all freaked out when someone said no, or even appeared to say no.

God forbid, they are saying no to MOI? Shocking!

Yeah, I have taken other peoples’ NO’s personally. I thought it meant something about ME. Something bad. Gosh, could it be mistaken thinking?

“When you believe the thought that anyone should love you, that’s where the pain begins. I often say, ‘If I had a prayer, it would be: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie

It is not terrible to hurt someone’s feelings. It is terrible to hurt my own feelings (especially by faking yes when I really mean no). I can hurt someone’s feelings by saying YES when I really mean NO.

All those turnarounds are truer!

“God permits you to be happy no matter what or when. Nature permits you to be happy no matter what or when. The only permission you need is yours to be happy all the time.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Happy when people say no to me, happy when I say no to people, happy when I say no to myself.

Maybe it is all OK, even if someone feels hurt, even if you have felt hurt. Maybe it is healing, not really “hurting”.

Now go forth and say no! Unless it’s yes.

Much love, Grace