The experience of Not Enough of something can feel like being caught in a vice, squeezed so tight you can’t breathe.
Not enough money, not enough time, not enough happiness, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough enlightenment.
Today I was noticing my calendar fill to the brim, and I mean maximum back-to-back appointments, classes, workshops, administrative meetings, writing time, gym.
I thought “does everything REALLY have to be scheduled just to even remember to fit it in?!”
Apparently, yes.
I’ve forgotten to send invoices to clients and therefore not received payment for services, I’ve double-booked myself and had to quick reschedule people, I’ve missed a good friend’s birthday party, I’ve skipped stopping at the grocery store when I really did need to buy some groceries.
I’ve stayed up until midnight because I happened to notice that I’m being interviewed ON THE RADIO tomorrow and they needed a little written introduction that I had forgotten to put together.
(More about that after its recorded–you’ll be the first to know!)
But this is a tipping point we all sometimes experience, a period of time where I’m being invited to live differently in the midst of having a lot of requests for my time.
The thing is, I like saying Yes.
And I can’t say Yes to everything, it turns out.
Sigh.
In this very moment, with people texting, emailing, calling, leaving messages (I picture Wall Street with a crowd of people in suits yelling for an appointment) I have this moment to be still….even though there is activity, it seems.
“I could disappoint someone if I say No.”
Even my kids, my husband, or a close friend!
Is that actually true?
YES. I’ve seen it in their faces. I’ve heard them say “MOM….can’t we go to a movie sometime? You work a lot!”
And by the way….disappointing people is bad. It’s uncomfortable. They don’t like it. I immediately feel worried, my attention moves in their direction, it requires energy, I have to fix things, or else.
Really?
When I feel the burden of believing that saying “no” could disappoint someone, and that this disappointment is disturbing for ME at some level, then my reaction to having that thought is not fun.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel speeded up, tense, moving very very fast, busy, busy, busy. My mind feels lit up, concentrating on how to solve the problem of disappointing someone.
That person might get mad, or might get sad, it doesn’t matter. Both bother me.
But who would I be without that thought?
What if I didn’t believe it was upsetting to disappoint someone, that it was terrible if they felt unhappy when I said NO, or even when I forgot?
I would see that person, with their disappointed reaction, the look, the gesture, their words….and I would notice how honest they are, and real.
I would love their expression of communication.
It wouldn’t mean they hate me (even if they say they do). It would simply be human being honest, waiting, moving towards or away.
The funny thing is, when I do not believe the thought that it is bad to disappoint someone, or for that matter….bring out a stressful reaction of any kind in someone else….
….then I am truly free to be lovingly, beautifully, simply HONEST.
No fear of what will happen. No need to please, or hope to please.
Without the thought that I know what people like to feel, and I’m gonna make it happen….I let go in a way that is so sweet, and a bit frightening, and untethered, that it feels like fantastical new territory.
“To think that you know what’s best for another person is to be out of your business. The result is worry, anxiety, and fear. When you mentally step out of your business, you think that you know more than he, she, or God. The only real question is ‘Can I know what’s right for myself?’ That is your only business. And, as you eventually come to see, not even that”. ~ Byron Katie
I love the lightness of only being responsible for me, for my own No or Yes.
From that point, I can control nothing. People will have their responses. It’s not my business.
This isn’t said in an uncaring, defensive way, like WHATEVER…go have your little hissy fit, I don’t care!
No. It’s a compassionate, easy allowing of what is.
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #38
Today, if you were really truly yourself, without a care in the world for how other people might respond….what would you answer….yes, or no?
Love, Grace