Posted on by Grace

They’re upset…but are you OK?

They don’t like me. They’re upset. I should have done it differently. Who would I be without this very stressful story?

In Year of Inquiry we just started Relationships month. Me and another. What happens when it goes off?

Well here I was, getting the chance to notice…AGAIN.

What was is that was bugging me?

I knew the conversation where it got sparked. I knew the person I had interacted with where some kind of concerned energy woke up inside.

It was actually most recently ignited by only a short email.

I read the email, and suddenly many of the same old danger warnings were going off on the inside.
Often, when the brain is triggered and you’re having a fearful response, no matter what the level, you feel like you can’t think straight. Anxiety, nerves, worry, jumpy…something’s off. The range of emotion can be huge.
It’s almost, however, like the lesser levels of anxiety or nervousness, sadness or irritation, make things more difficult to perceive. Like the colors of the emotion aren’t very vivid. Part of you knows this is no biggie. Part of you moves on with your day.
And part of you keeps thinking of that person’s email and the words, or re-opening the email later to re-read to make sure you got it right.
People tell me they have this murky, uncomfortable, yet unknown feeling when they want to work on their addictions, all the time. “Something’s off, but I don’t know what!”
A typical way to NOT calm down or pull it together is to start telling yourself to. Have you noticed?
That voice comes in trying to be helpful: “You need to get a grip. How many times do you need to do The Work on this? Where are your clear boundaries? You’re the one who re-opened the conversation…is something wrong with you? Are you never going to get this right?”

But we know the voice of self-criticism and wrongness is NOT the one to move towards. That’ll get you stuck self-improving forever. Without ever seeing what you were afraid of in the first place.

So I knew I had to take a look.

By sitting down and writing a worksheet.

I am anxious in this situation because he is soooo needy, demanding, grabby, desperate. He wants something. He doesn’t take no for an answer…..

As I thought about the situation, even after doing The Work and finding so much clarity about this past relationship, and noticing nothing dangerous has ever happened (except in my thinking)….

….I realized I felt worried about saying “no”.

His anger, his disappointment, his criticism.

I’ll let him down. Ugh.

If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot.

(OK, a little dramatic, but that’s what the anxiety says).

Is it true?

Yes! Did you see what he did last time? He couldn’t stop peppering me with questions, it was horrible. He couldn’t stop following me, criticizing me. He’d bring it up every time I saw him. I wanted to avoid him like the plague.

But is it absolutely true?

No. We’ve lived years and years of life without any contact at all. But something persists here, whenever I remember or have a new tiny contact with him. I used to be afraid of running in to him. That’s faded away, but BAM….the minute there’s contact there’s a sick pit in the stomach.

Who would I be without the belief I will incite his anger, no matter what I do? Without the thought that if I say no, if I’m blunt, if I don’t return the email, if I never call, if I tell the truth….he’ll be disappointed? Or if I don’t do any of these things….I’ll get into trouble?

I’d be calm, quiet and honest.

Not even defensive, or trying to generate boldness, or attempting to be any different than I actually am. I’d just be quite simply….honest. And kind.

Honesty might mean not responding. I wouldn’t frantically try to make sure he’s OK before I am. I wouldn’t work extra wildly hard at saying it the “right” way. There would be no worry about the consequences. I’d trust that if I’m running into him, it’s because it needed to happen. What, am I the ruler of the Universe?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot INSIDE MYSELF.

So true. I’ve had the thought since very young that saying “no” is dreadful, so I didn’t do it for years. It just about killed me. I used to eat, instead of saying no. That was a true internal “riot”. I didn’t listen to myself and the anger or sharpness inside, and give it the attention it needed.

Oh, I could give the “no” response respect right now, even in the moment I’m remembering and reading an email. I can sit and do this work and notice the respect I have for myself, and for him, and speak it.

Turning it around again: If he says “no” or expresses his honest opinion or tells the truth…he’ll incite a riot.

Have I ever been told “no” and been deeply, horribly, outrageously disappointed?

Yep. And every single one of those good-byes were amazing, because they brought me back to myself, to me. They freed me from neediness, especially once I had The Work.

Turning it around again: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….there will be no riot. There’d be a riot if I do NOT say no.

Holy Moly.

It could be a great invitation to be super clear, to speak very directly, with the precision of a great artist; no hemming, no hawing, no little tentacles trying to be something other than “no”. No need to be the one being gentle.

Noticing kindness and gentleness might be a “no” just as easily as a “yes”. Noticing the “no” to them is a “yes” to me. No need to be upset with the one asking. Instead, bringing back the sense of awareness into my own center, without getting into someone else’s business.

How do I know I’m supposed to be asked for something I don’t want to give, or am even unable to give at the moment?

I’m being asked.

And it doesn’t mean I have to say yes.

“I understand that our instinct is to move away from what’s not comfortable, to try to get somewhere better, but as my teacher used to say, “You need to take the backward step, not the forward step”….The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Instead of looking for their approval and happiness with me, with my answers, with my “yes” or my “no”….could I look inside right here, where I stand (even with them over there, feeling disappointed) and find peace and love, and acceptance, already present.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One of the best places to work on any relationship in your life that’s ever caused you stress is at a live in-person retreat where you can sink into The Work for 4 days. The power of the inquiry deepens daily. Light-bulbs flash. Your comfort with the issue eases open. Come to spring retreat. Still some spots left. A beautiful time for finding your own freedom. Read about it here.