Tag: needy people

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We’re not changing, until YOU do.

Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.

  • Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
  • Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?

I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.

Almost jumping up and down actually.

There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.

One thought at a time.

The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?

The first step is identifying the problem.

It’s not so hard.

What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?

Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!

Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.

And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?

Yes.

A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.

(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!

I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.

I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).

The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.

This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.

WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.

But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.

In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.

So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.

Picture the situation.

For me, I’m reading an email.

Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?

Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.

(Little dramatization for you).

The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?

Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?

LOL.

Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.

How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?

Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.

I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.

So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?

There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.

What’s that like? How does it feel?

This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.

What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?

And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?

I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.

She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….

….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.

Him. Out.

Who would you be without your beliefs about others?

I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!

Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.

Wow, these are all just as true or truer.

He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).

I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!

Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.

I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.

How could it be otherwise?

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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They’re upset…but are you OK?

They don’t like me. They’re upset. I should have done it differently. Who would I be without this very stressful story?

In Year of Inquiry we just started Relationships month. Me and another. What happens when it goes off?

Well here I was, getting the chance to notice…AGAIN.

What was is that was bugging me?

I knew the conversation where it got sparked. I knew the person I had interacted with where some kind of concerned energy woke up inside.

It was actually most recently ignited by only a short email.

I read the email, and suddenly many of the same old danger warnings were going off on the inside.
Often, when the brain is triggered and you’re having a fearful response, no matter what the level, you feel like you can’t think straight. Anxiety, nerves, worry, jumpy…something’s off. The range of emotion can be huge.
It’s almost, however, like the lesser levels of anxiety or nervousness, sadness or irritation, make things more difficult to perceive. Like the colors of the emotion aren’t very vivid. Part of you knows this is no biggie. Part of you moves on with your day.
And part of you keeps thinking of that person’s email and the words, or re-opening the email later to re-read to make sure you got it right.
People tell me they have this murky, uncomfortable, yet unknown feeling when they want to work on their addictions, all the time. “Something’s off, but I don’t know what!”
A typical way to NOT calm down or pull it together is to start telling yourself to. Have you noticed?
That voice comes in trying to be helpful: “You need to get a grip. How many times do you need to do The Work on this? Where are your clear boundaries? You’re the one who re-opened the conversation…is something wrong with you? Are you never going to get this right?”

But we know the voice of self-criticism and wrongness is NOT the one to move towards. That’ll get you stuck self-improving forever. Without ever seeing what you were afraid of in the first place.

So I knew I had to take a look.

By sitting down and writing a worksheet.

I am anxious in this situation because he is soooo needy, demanding, grabby, desperate. He wants something. He doesn’t take no for an answer…..

As I thought about the situation, even after doing The Work and finding so much clarity about this past relationship, and noticing nothing dangerous has ever happened (except in my thinking)….

….I realized I felt worried about saying “no”.

His anger, his disappointment, his criticism.

I’ll let him down. Ugh.

If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot.

(OK, a little dramatic, but that’s what the anxiety says).

Is it true?

Yes! Did you see what he did last time? He couldn’t stop peppering me with questions, it was horrible. He couldn’t stop following me, criticizing me. He’d bring it up every time I saw him. I wanted to avoid him like the plague.

But is it absolutely true?

No. We’ve lived years and years of life without any contact at all. But something persists here, whenever I remember or have a new tiny contact with him. I used to be afraid of running in to him. That’s faded away, but BAM….the minute there’s contact there’s a sick pit in the stomach.

Who would I be without the belief I will incite his anger, no matter what I do? Without the thought that if I say no, if I’m blunt, if I don’t return the email, if I never call, if I tell the truth….he’ll be disappointed? Or if I don’t do any of these things….I’ll get into trouble?

I’d be calm, quiet and honest.

Not even defensive, or trying to generate boldness, or attempting to be any different than I actually am. I’d just be quite simply….honest. And kind.

Honesty might mean not responding. I wouldn’t frantically try to make sure he’s OK before I am. I wouldn’t work extra wildly hard at saying it the “right” way. There would be no worry about the consequences. I’d trust that if I’m running into him, it’s because it needed to happen. What, am I the ruler of the Universe?

Wow.

Turning the thought around: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….I’ll incite a riot INSIDE MYSELF.

So true. I’ve had the thought since very young that saying “no” is dreadful, so I didn’t do it for years. It just about killed me. I used to eat, instead of saying no. That was a true internal “riot”. I didn’t listen to myself and the anger or sharpness inside, and give it the attention it needed.

Oh, I could give the “no” response respect right now, even in the moment I’m remembering and reading an email. I can sit and do this work and notice the respect I have for myself, and for him, and speak it.

Turning it around again: If he says “no” or expresses his honest opinion or tells the truth…he’ll incite a riot.

Have I ever been told “no” and been deeply, horribly, outrageously disappointed?

Yep. And every single one of those good-byes were amazing, because they brought me back to myself, to me. They freed me from neediness, especially once I had The Work.

Turning it around again: If I say “no” or express my honest opinion, or tell the truth….there will be no riot. There’d be a riot if I do NOT say no.

Holy Moly.

It could be a great invitation to be super clear, to speak very directly, with the precision of a great artist; no hemming, no hawing, no little tentacles trying to be something other than “no”. No need to be the one being gentle.

Noticing kindness and gentleness might be a “no” just as easily as a “yes”. Noticing the “no” to them is a “yes” to me. No need to be upset with the one asking. Instead, bringing back the sense of awareness into my own center, without getting into someone else’s business.

How do I know I’m supposed to be asked for something I don’t want to give, or am even unable to give at the moment?

I’m being asked.

And it doesn’t mean I have to say yes.

“I understand that our instinct is to move away from what’s not comfortable, to try to get somewhere better, but as my teacher used to say, “You need to take the backward step, not the forward step”….The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

Instead of looking for their approval and happiness with me, with my answers, with my “yes” or my “no”….could I look inside right here, where I stand (even with them over there, feeling disappointed) and find peace and love, and acceptance, already present.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. One of the best places to work on any relationship in your life that’s ever caused you stress is at a live in-person retreat where you can sink into The Work for 4 days. The power of the inquiry deepens daily. Light-bulbs flash. Your comfort with the issue eases open. Come to spring retreat. Still some spots left. A beautiful time for finding your own freedom. Read about it here.

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Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace