Think this, and you’re forever in the role of victim

Has anyone ever given you the creeps?

Of course they have, everyone’s gotten that feeling, even if you had it when you were a kid and you thought the old man at the end of the street was scary.

Nothing wrong with it, really. A feeling comes up, maybe you’re reminded of something fearful, or disappointing. Maybe there’s a gut intuition with no “reason” behind it. You know to cross the street, and move to the other side. Something is on alert.

But I found myself then wanting that person who creeped me out in the past, and also frightened a few others (added proof) to GET that they’re disturbing others, and why.

I heard him say “I didn’t do anything wrong!” about a sleazy overture to a woman.

Everyone would agree he should get a clue, right?

He’s a sleaze-ball. Ew. Creep, creep. Get away from us you creeper!

I noticed, however, even though that kind of teenage reaction was occurring in my thoughts, something felt off. Like I wanted him to suffer, to really understand he did the WRONG THING. You were totally out of line and inappropriate, dude!

(Not that I would ever say anything. Because. People like that aren’t rational and you can’t talk with them anyway. It’s no use. Oh yeah, I could question that.)

Oooooh. That’s some serious stressful argument going on. Wow.

Time for The Work.

He should understand he did the wrong thing.

Is it true?

Yes! Of course! How could he even think what he did was OK, or acceptable, or ? I mean, he should be ashamed of himself.

Is it absolutely true that he should understand he did the wrong thing. Are you SURE??!!

Well, no. If he knew it would create such a response, if he was a completely different person, if he knew better, if he had a alternate perspective…..he might never have done that.

And I have no idea what created his action, what he expected, what he was thinking, what he hoped for.

I just really can’t know his business, his background, his life.

Even if I’m thinking only of myself, and my own safety and comfort, I can’t know that HE should understand HE DID IT WRONG.

I notice that even though he did it wrong, I’m breathing. I haven’t seen him in a year. I haven’t heard of him making overtures to anyone else I know.

Life went on.

I also know the suffering when someone believes deeply they did indeed do something horribly wrong. They sometimes want to kill themselves. They are filled with suffering. They can’t function.

Do I want him to feel….that?

Well, I guess No.

How do I react when I think the thought “he should understand he did the wrong thing?”

Absolutely furious. I treat him like an outcast. I stay far away from him and think about what a creeper he is, and maybe talk about him to friends. Did you see him over there? Snort, laugh, make gag face.

I’m actually frightened, when I believe that thought. I’m seeing pictures of him believing he did nothing, and therefore repeating it over and over again. Like a serial killer or something.

Whew. It’s an horrendously stressful thought!

So who would I be without it? Without the thought he should understand how wrong he was, feel bad, apologize, suffer, change….all that entire story?

Who would you be without this very stressful tale?

Oh. Interesting.

This is one of those wonderings where at first, even though it’s so anxiety-riddled, I’m not sure I want to give up the thought. Because, if I give up this thought, he might be out there repeating his crime. Capable of creepy stuff AGAIN.

I must think about him and how he should be sorry and wanting to change his ways and aware he did the wrong thing.

But. What if it was safe not to have the thought? What if it didn’t mean denial, or pretending it didn’t happen. What if this question is only about noticing what it’s like when I’m not aware of the thought, when I start fresh, from the present, open to anything, clear? When I’m not freaking myself out with the terrible possibilities of what will happen next, unless he understands what he did was wrong?

What I notice is, nothing terrible has ever happened that I personally know of, with this person, ever again. Everything has been shared, and logged, by the people involved. People have the support they need.

Without the thought, I’d notice how most of the time, except when reminded the other day of this person, I don’t think about it. Ever. Without the thought is the way I usually am. It’s friendly. I’m care-free. I’m not frightened of this person.

Turning the thought around: He should NOT understand he did the wrong thing. 

How could this be just as true?

Well….when someone feels awful about something they did, as I mentioned, they might lose it, they might feel suicidal, they might be deeply depressed. I’d hate to hear about him killing himself. That’d be awful.

He also shouldn’t understand he did the wrong thing, because he’s not oriented that way. He’s got the ideas he’s got. Maybe you could call them sexist, or weird, or aggressive, or good-old-boy but that’s what he learned. He’s doing as he was taught. He’s living his way, not my way.

Turning it around again: I should understand I did the wrong thing, especially when it came to HIM.

OK. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t go to him directly, I smiled when in his presence and play-acted like everything was fine. I didn’t share my fears. I didn’t get support for myself. I stuffed things down. I gave the wrong impression. I didn’t look to myself with care, love and attention.

Which is really the best turnaround, for me, in this situation….or the most meaningful: I should understand I did the wrong thing with myself. I ignored my intuition, I laughed when afraid, I pushed the small timid part of myself away and acted strong, and unruffled. I didn’t ask…”what did you mean by that remark?” or “could you stop doing that?” or “I’m feeling very uncomfortable.”

I was so frozen with the thought that he should stop doing that, and then later that he should KNOW he did the wrong thing….

….that I never simply saw: If I’m the one seeing the dirty socks, it’s my job to pick them up. And notice I love myself when I do that, rather than resenting everyone else for being so creepy.

He doesn’t need to understand any wrong-ness about what occurred at all. Not if he doesn’t ever see it as wrong.

I’m the one who needs to see what I did, without malice or criticism to myself, or guilt or shame. This is not about piling a bunch of judgment on me.

I love how Byron Katie says “A turnaround should be a kiss, not a slap!”

I should see, with great compassion, how the whole thing went down. No one person’s fault.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie