Tag: anthony demello

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Mean Girl Trouble

competition
Secret inner thoughts about girlfriends? Question your thinking, free yourself from being a Mean Girl.

A good friend shared with me how she hasn’t had the greatest track record with women friends.

“There’s always jealousy, back-stabbing, competition, it never feels like true acceptance,” she said with a little frustration in her voice.

I was reminded of being in a program on women’s empowerment once where 250 women came together for 5 weekends to look very deeply at feminine energy and how it is distinct from masculine.

Yes…you could say it’s all stories and never clearly defined. It’s all conditioning. It’s all related to cultural history, or family and society.

You could say that ultimately, none of us are our gender, personality, age, or even identified as our bodies at all.

There is of course something far greater than how we appear. This mind is vast and brilliant. You may even have experienced the mystery of yourself as something quite completely different than the form of your body.

But.

It was really fun to be in that program with all the women.

We were spending time with these female bodies, concepts, social and family experiences and taking a exploratory look.

It was like painting a picture with the colors of “feminine” however we might distinguish these.

Open, receiving, beautiful, vague, mysterious, curving, circular, feeling, pink.

And we inquired into the concepts of competition, mean-girl energy, anger, territorial fighting, jealousy.

Because one goal in the program was to invite women to notice where they believed their thoughts about other women….

….and to STOP IT.

Every woman in that program was encouraged to support other women, their sisters, at a very deep, core level. To connect, trust, love and share with them.

I loved it.

I grew up in a family of only girls. Four of us.

Sometimes….we definitely had this furious, demanding, competitive energy running between us for various reasons.

But also tons of love and laughter. I felt like I knew how to connect with women really well.

That whole competitive mean thing wasn’t really my problem.

Then…….not long after participating in this training, I was on the dance floor with many friends at a big dance gathering. I danced playfully through the crowd. People at this dance could dance together, apart, together again. It was free form dancing…..moving however you wanted to the music (I highly recommend it). No talking, but movement of any kind, in any order, with anyone or by yourself.

I danced happily up to a woman I enjoy, a friend. She was dancing with a man we both knew.

Then, I saw it.

The look. The gesture she made with her arm. Turning her back towards me. Like she was saying “get away from us, I AM dancing with him right now, NOT YOU!”

Dang.

I danced away immediately.

But on the inside….grrrrrrrrr.

What is wrong with her? Seriously??!!

She should NOT be like that. She’s too insecure.

Hmmmm.

Maybe I wasn’t so “completely fine” with this whole idea of competitive mean-girl energy after all.

Because here I was, judging someone else for having it.

How did I react when I believed she should relax and quit thinking of me as a threat?

Defensive. Pissed. Feeling like NOT being her friend. Hurt on the inside.

Who would I be without the belief that she should NOT have been that way, that she should have been smiling and open and happy to include me?

I would have been much more compassionate. I might have even asked her about it later….to see if it was even TRUE (since no words were ever spoken).

I might have remembered that sometimes, people act unfriendly and don’t have smiles on their faces, and it doesn’t mean anything about me.

I turn the belief around: She should be like that. She should be worried or feeling insecure. She should have been mean. She should have gestured for me to get away.

How could this be as true, or truer?

This is really powerful to consider.

Her whole life and all the experiences she’s ever had have brought her to her conclusions. Just like my experiences have affected what I think!

That moment showed me who to dance away from.

Why would I demand anyone include me, if they don’t want to?

I turn around the thought again, to myself: I am the one who shouldn’t feel worried or insecure. I shouldn’t have been mean. I shouldn’t have been like that. 

Yes, I was assuming everyone should love and welcome me at all times.

I haven’t even done this for myself! Why should someone else?!

If I don’t want to engage in competitions, be vicious and judgmental, attack others internally in my mind, make demands like how other people should behave in my presence….

….then it’s my job to be open, kind, gentle.

Especially with me.

“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie 

“We see people and things not as they are, but as WE are.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Subscribe and listen to Peace Talk Podcast HERE. Three short podcasts a week on freedom through inquiry.
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I Didn’t Say No And It Got Me A No

Can you say no when you mean no? If you don't you might feel worse later.
Can you say no when you mean no? If you don’t you might feel worse later.

Last week I had a one-time consultation call with a company to talk about a website upgrade.

I had taken a little free course the company offered to review some tweaks I was interested in adding to my own website.

The consult call was scheduled for one hour, and I knew it was basically a meeting to see if their service was right for me, and could potentially involve…..

…..sales! 

As in, someone pitching me their thing.

Maybe this service would help save me a bunch of time making all the changes myself.

I had many technical questions.

But we had to wait to get to those because when the person called at the appointed hour, he asked me questions like “how would it feel if you had your website totally upgraded and handled?” and “if you could wave a magic wand, what would you want your website to do?”

Well, I already know I’ll feel satisfied and pleased when these changes are made.

DUH.

I wasn’t in a position of needing to be convinced about fixing my website. I love beautiful websites, I enjoy being creative with technology, I like all the new stuff being invented constantly.

I know people get confused about where to find stuff on mine.

We hung up, not complete yet with the conversation because I had a few more questions. We made an appointment to continue the following day.

Which is when a moment arrived.

Yes. A situation.

After getting a lot of my questions answered….I realized his service wasn’t a good deal for me.

I said “thank you for all your information, and I’m not going to sign up with you right now.”

He said “WHAT? I’m really concerned! You mean you’re going to keep sitting there without making any progress on your website, or your business?”

Wait. Was he insulting me?

Fume.

He’s concerned?

I suddenly felt like I was running off the car dealership lot with the car salesman saying “I’m concerned, I’m really concerned!” as I DON’T buy a car.

What a faker!

Sigh. I had my concept for inquiry.

“He wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Is that true?

Well, no. He backed off, he wasn’t happy, he applied all the pressure he could, he repeated how terrible this would be if I said no….

….but then he said I could call him again any time if I changed my mind.

How did I react when I began to believe he wouldn’t take no for an answer?

Angry. I could feel the heat rise from inside my gut, up my throat, into my face. I looked at my watch, I wanted to hang up. I felt like I was talking to an enemy on the phone.

Bummer.

I imagined writing him an email pointing out what a jerk he was and how he came across all sweet and supportive at the beginning but that was fake.

Who would I be without the belief that he wouldn’t take no for an answer?

Deep breath. I’d relax. I’d notice how there are no emergencies. I’m safe in this moment, all is well.

I would tell him there are several things that don’t serve my needs about their services.

I’d hang up if I needed to. I don’t have to stay in the conversation.

I turned the thought around: he would take no for an answer.

Well, first of all, he’s just a man on the phone in another time zone. How could he possibly NOT take no for an answer?

What am I even talking about?

Must I demand that everyone be “nice” and easy-going, cordial, detached and never pressuring me?

How about another turnaround: I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I didn’t stop him 5 minutes into the original conversation and say “I don’t really want to have a coaching/sales conversation, I basically have a few technical questions to run by you, then I can decide yes/no for this website service thing, ok?”

I didn’t interrupt him when I thought the initial conversation was winding and dragging in other directions.

Who wasted everyone’s time?

Me.

He was doing his job. He probably had a script, and was following what he knew to do.

I was the one who didn’t say no the minute I felt a “no”.

This is not a new experience. I’ve done this before, hoping that if I say “yes” it will be easy, smooth, non-confrontive, and I’ll avoid someone being disappointed or wanting to pressure me further.

I wouldn’t take no for an answer, from myself, or from him.

Yikes, so true.

I wind up often thinking “yes” is better than “no”. I want to dream of yes, not no. I like the idea of yes, yes, yes. It sounds fun, thrilling, like flying, or hang-it-all-do-whatever-you-want!

YES! YES!

But, wait. No is good, too, on planet earth, you say?

Wow.

What if I celebrated NO just as much as YES and welcomed the deep, powerful, empty, unknown consequences of NO.

“There was an exhausted woodcutter who kept wasting time and energy chopping wood with a blunt ax because he did not have the time, he said, to stop and sharpen the blade.” ~ Anthony DeMello

In those recent exchanges, where I judged Mr. Website Coach Salesman as salesy and pressuring me and insulting me….

….and all those other times I have overlooked saying “no” and thought of someone as going on and on, or being rude, or being too intense….

….hasn’t that been just like chopping wood with a blunt ax?

Saying no is much more efficient. It only takes one or two strokes, and the tree is down.

Then, you get to move on to the next thing.

Love, Grace

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Waking Up Is Not Dictating What Others Should Do–Including The S Word

Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat in Oregon June 24-28 is open for registration. Sign up soon for the best accommodation choices by calling 503-854-3320.

It is awesome. We do The Work deeply on what disturbs our peace….there is nothing like awakening with yourself as your own teacher, questioning your stressful thoughts. And the location helps, too.

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Do you have rules about a partner's activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!
Do you have rules about a partner’s activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!

“Do we have to share about our sex life, or lack of it?” she said with a nervous laugh.Not long ago someone wrote to me to say she was wondering about taking the upcoming Sexuality teleclass, but felt a little embarrassed.

It is SUCH a difficult topic.

Although, you could question that.

Isn’t it uncomfortable only because we’ve been very well trained to feel guilty, sad, jealous, unworthy, or frightened when it comes to sexual contact and sexuality?

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I feel attraction to “x”!

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I don’t feel attraction to “y”!

OMG! It is horrible when pairings change around and switch, or people sleep with one then another, or people leave long-time monogamous relationships!

OMG! I can’t say that out loud!

Really?

It’s weird all the rules and regulations people learn, often from adults ever since they are kids.

This over here is right. That over there is wrong.

It is such an incredible thing to question these “truths” or beliefs and take them to inquiry.

Just because you’re questioning them doesn’t mean all hell will break loose or you won’t have solid ground to stand on, don’t worry.

One of the biggest sources of pain is when people believe they should be with one person sexually or “in relationship”, and that same person has been with others!

I mean, people get really freaked out about this.

If you find yourself upset about a partner’s history, current desires, other relationships, or life outside of contact with you….

….you may want to inquire.

You may be making yourself completely crazy in where insanity is not necessary.

At all.

Here’s the general concept that flips people into the most whacked emotional states….and I can mention it, because that was me.

“That person should have no one but me as their partner, they should care about only me, they should sleep with only me, they should love only me in this special romantic partnered way.”

IS THAT TRUE?!?

Good lord, no.

What’s the reality of relationships?

I note that people throughout history are moving, going, coming, committing, ending, divorcing, breaking up. Since the beginning of humankind.

Apparently, Reality is that there are no hard and fast rules. Some are interested in one-to-one for many years, others like moving about.

What if there was really no “right” or “wrong”?

If this upsets you, why? What’s the danger?

And what WILL people think if you speak out loud anyway?

Seriously. Answer this question.

What is the actual problem with people not committing, or people having multiple relationships, or your partner choosing someone else, or talking about sex?

When I really looked at this with an open mind, I realized that the danger for me, when getting divorced, was that I was imagining I was worthy of being rejected, abandoned, or having a failed marriage.

It meant something about ME.

ME ME ME.

BAD BAD BAD.

But who would you be without the belief that the motions of other people, even that one you really love and adore, should be close to YOU ONLY?

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit. THAT’S selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish….I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Can you taste the freedom in allowing people to come and go as they please? The joy in you getting to do this, too?

And oh the freedom of speaking what you really want to say out loud. Of saying those words, those beliefs and thoughts that you’re thinking about what should or should not happen physically with others.

How could it be a good thing, that life shows up this way, with unknown couplings and unexpected attractions, with unplanned commitments and joyful long relationships?

How could it be awesome to talk about it?

When I felt the freedom available to me in divorce, in break ups, in losing all expectations for what relationships were supposed to look like….

….ahhhhh. Such wonder.

The fun, the discussions, the play, the exploration, the conversations! So wonderful, so intimate!

If you feel pain about any aspect of sexuality….ideas, loss, rules, difficulty, longing, fear, nervousness….

….you might love the upcoming Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting Thursday mornings 10-11:30 am Pacific time on January 22nd.

With respect for ourselves and every voice that wants to talk inside us, we write down our painful beliefs we tell ourselves about relationships, whether past, present or future….

….and free our minds.

Won’t you join me?

Much love,

Grace

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Thank You People Who Left Me In The Desert

“He/she shouldn’t act that way in front of me. He/she shouldn’t like anyone else. She/he shouldn’t have a history with another woman. She/he should leave him alone. She/he shouldn’t exist. This shouldn’t be happening.” 

When I read or hear these kinds of thoughts, I notice many people might think almost immediately afterwards, before these thoughts are even completed practically….

….that they shouldn’t be thinking them.

I’m beyond on all that, right?

I don’t have these kinds of thoughts! I don’t care which boyfriend is now with someone else, or what my partner once had with another!

That kind of thinking is for people who are attaching too much to the story of their partner, or stories about love and commitment and intimacy!

And yet….

….even the most brilliant, thoughtful, loving, kind people will have concerns that they want to be the only one in their partner’s life, or wish deeply that it went another way than it went.

I remember learning about a man I admire who finally found the woman of his dreams, after more than a decade of hunting and making it known to people in his world that he was searching for this woman.

He described their finally meeting, the fire that burned, the knowing. He described the fun, the wildness, the marriage proposal, the fights and make-up conversations, the passion, the dream-come-true.

Fights? They have fights? Like yelling and intense words?

Yes.

Oh, I thought.

I do not have that in my marriage. That sounds different. The freedom, the energy, the action, the zest, the fervor.

But I immediately laughed…it’s funny how the mind will compare, and decide you lose, or something a wee bit on the edge should be different.

Many people contact me because of terrible jealousy.

People are brilliant and wise. They know it is something going on inside their own minds, which is why they contact me in the first place, since they know self-inquiry will help them see the picture and question it honestly.

It’s like closing the gap between this knowing that they are attaching to something, but not sure how to stop.

The first thing to do, if you notice you feel jealous or envious of someone else, especially when it comes to love, is to allow your raging teenage or childish voice to write down what you’re most afraid of on paper.

(It can be absolutely anything you’re jealous of–I had big envy of other peoples’ money 8 years ago that doesn’t appear to exist now–after doing self-inquiry many times on wealth and money).

Let those thoughts about what you’re so afraid of be there, instead of thinking immediately “I should be beyond this…I AM beyond this.”

Once you’re there, in that space of seeing this other man or woman in your mind and feeling pain because they are with someone else, you can write what you really think should be happening instead.

You let that little child in you speak. You’re honoring that scared part.

And then….inquire.

I found every time, the only reason I would ever experience jealousy is because of what I believed it meant: That I was worthy of being left for someone else, that I was un-wantable, that I was losing out or missing out, that I needed to be something MORE than what I was, or LESS.

Who would you be without the belief that it’s terrible if someone you care about wants to go be with someone else? Who would you bewithout the belief that it means you’re missin’ out, or you’re abandoned, or you’re not as good as that other person?

Who would you be in your present moment, if NONE OF THESE MEANINGS are true?

I notice without using my busy mind which loves to make comparisons….

….they are just pictures floating through like a breeze. These images are very small. They are unimportant.

They are almost funny.

Actually they may make you laugh.

If you turned around the beliefs that it’s bad when someone goes off to be with someone else…..

…..WOW.

What would you notice? What is that like?

How could it be an advantage for you, a wonderful and marvelous and incredible experience that this person is doing what they’re doing, has done what they’ve done?

What does that make available or possible for you?

Could you open up to the idea that it should happen exactly the way it is, so far?

What if it has nothing to do with your worth….or even beyond that….what if it means you are deeply worthy and your are very want-able somewhere else? 

What does it take for you to wake up and see how amazing you are?

How has it been that the person in question does you a favor, by having this history, or moving or acting the way they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are….How can you love people when you need people? You can only use them. If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you. I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Thank you to the people who helped me stay in the desert because they were unavailable.

I would have never seen, with honesty, what I was so attached to, what imprisoned me in fear and grief and anticipation.

Thank goodness, thank God, thank mystery for their courage to move away from me.

Who would you be if all was perfect, as it is, when it comes to those other people?

They helped me find myself again.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you notice jealous thoughts about MONEY then join us on January 6th to start a new year with living turnarounds about money, your wealth, your power, your freedom, your security. It’s so fun!Click here to register.

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Cast Out Your Fear, With Inquiry

Before inquiry…a few very quick announcements:
  • Tomorrow in Seattle 9/28 at my cottage 4-6 pm meetup doing The Work. Beginners to experienced, all welcome. I supply materials and handouts, $10 but if you don’t have it, come anyway. Hit reply for more information. You must RSVP.
  • Mini retreat Seattle 10/4 1:30-5:30 pm learning The Work from start to finish, with the chance to learn facilitation too. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals. $70 includes snacks, tea and materials.
  • Last chance to get on the special Eat In Peace mailing list for the coming new program beginning at the end of October, a deep look at how to transform food and eating from mean to friendly. Click here to get on the early bird list.
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Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we wrapped up our month of September topic on Family of Origin. Those people who influenced us early on.

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Sometimes inquirers in the group have another person in theircurrent lives who bugs them instead. I always encourage them to follow their feelings and do The Work on that other person…you never know when the troubling person might actually be like mom, or dad, or brother, or sister.

We looked at the thought “that person shouldn’t scare me”.

Holy smokes…how many times have I thought this?

When I really think about it, I’ve been extremely upset with being scared.

Not only should people not scare me, but the weather shouldn’t scare me, dogs shouldn’t scare me, the future shouldn’t scare me, the past shouldn’t scare me, loud noises shouldn’t scare me, dreams shouldn’t scare me, other peoples’ stories shouldn’t scare me….

…..this entire world shouldn’t ever, ever scare me!!

I hate being scared. Who doesn’t?

But.

Let’s pause a moment, shall we?

What if fear, apparently, exists…and you allowed it to be here?

Who would you be, or what would that be like for you, if you didn’t feel afraid of feeling afraid?

It seems tiny, like a little thing.

You’d still be afraid, just not afraid of being afraid. So what’s the big deal? It’s all still hard, terrible, difficult, sad, and….well….frightening!

No….I don’t want to imagine not being afraid of being afraid. I want to have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER.

That’s what the mind will think about fear. It will try to help you find safety, to find solid ground. It’s doing its best.

Trouble is when I’ve been afraid of feeling afraid….things don’t exactly go smoothly.

Who would you be without the thought that the thing or person or place or incident shouldn’t scare you?

Weird.

But then, a little compassion for myself enters. I feel tender towards myself, like it’s OK to be afraid. Gentle to myself. Soothing.

As I turn the thought around…how could it be true or truer that the person in question should scare me?

Well….they were suggesting images of a terrible, worrisome future. They were frightened themselves, and I was connected to them. They wanted me to be careful, to not get hurt. They cared about me. They cared about themselves. They felt threatened.

“To depend on another psychologically–to depend on another emotionally–what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness. Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is demanding that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step–fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.” ~ Anthony DeMello

What if I was not crushed, terrified, destroyed by feeling fear?

I notice I haven’t been so far. I’m still alive.

Right?

Maybe the biggest turnaround is….

…I shouldn’t scare myself, and use other people to do it!

I shouldn’t take them so seriously. I should notice how I’ve made it so far (I haven’t died from too much fear). I’ve learned a lot in fearful situations.

“Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Who Doesn’t Get The Work?

I don’t get it.

That’s what I heard the other day when someone was referred to me by a close friend.

We were talking about The Work, coaching, goals and why his friend might have referred him to me.

As I spoke to this man, who reported he was happy in his career, his life as a single dad, and the status of his relationship with his previous wife….

….he eventually shared with me that he felt unrest.

Like a general malaise, a thought “is this all there is?” about life in general.

He felt bored.

He asked me what The Work entailed, never having heard of it before, ever.

I said that it was about questioning your thoughts that bring about anxiety, confusion, rage, sadness, despair…

….and boredom.

Then I asked him if he’d like to do The Work on his idea that life is boring for him, just a short overview, to take a look.

When I asked him who he would be without the belief that life is dull, bland, boring, discouraging….

….he said “I don’t get it.”

I shared a little more….”You imagine who you might be if you couldn’t even be thinking that thought that you’re bored, looking around at life, your environment, your world.”

He said it didn’t really make sense. That it was nice to imagine, but that’s not reality.

He said he was very grateful for the call.

But later, after hanging up, I was like “Phew, he has a long way to go.” I wonder if I’ll ever talk to him again.

And then The Work bubbling up immediately.

Is that really true?

Think about someone you think has a long road ahead, a big gap to bridge, someone who is confused, someone who doesn’t get it who you kinda wished DID get it.

How do you react when you believe they need to get something, including The Work?

Whether slight concern or really frustrated, it’s stressful.

But who would you be without the belief that the person in mind should get it, or even needs to? Without the thought in your head that they should be different, or understand what you’re saying, or grasp ANYTHING more than they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are.” ~ Anthony De Mello

In that moment of thought as it passes, where I think someone should get something, who is the one who doesn’t get it?

Maybe, that would be me!

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, person who didn’t get The Work in that moment.

Thank you everyone who doesn’t get whatever they don’t get, giving me time to practice and feel the joy of being compassionate with others, no matter what.

And thank you to myself for not getting anything, until I did. I trust the universe to handle what I get, when I get it…

…its a lot lighter that way.

Much love, Grace

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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Who Would You Be Without Your (Injured, Painful, Fat, Diseased) Body?

Money! We’ll be looking carefully at what it means…and our apparent “problems” or concerns with money: earning it, getting it, keeping it.

8 week teleclass: Wednesdays, March 19 – May 7. 5:15 pm Pacific Time/8:15 pm Eastern time. Waking hours in Australia, Japan, Indonesia. Write if you’re interested grace@workwithgrace.com.

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Physical ailments, a state of physicality that feels less than perfect, whether a head cold or a torn hamstring….or cancer….often carry with them a stressful response. 

The disease seems to arrive, the condition. I now have this condition, it’s inside me, THIS body, mine, the one I inhabit.

I’m the one with “x” happening. 

And then, with that ownership, faster than the speed of light, the mind grabs it and says (when it feels stressful) what it means, that I have this condition.

  • I can’t go to that party, I’ll miss out
  • I’m dying
  • I’ll miss everyone
  • I detest this feeling of pain
  • this is all temporary
  • I’ll never run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again

So sad. So infuriating! Who set this entire world up like this, anyway?! Such suffering!

My mind almost always has a comment about whose fault it is (mine). Then there are the other people whose fault it is (parents, history, pesticides). 

Nothing wrong with looking at patterns, gathering information, making huge changes to see how it affects the current status.

But that underlying sense, that dark cave below, that voice that is disappointed….or terrified….can feel dreadful.

Can’t I just think about something else? 

With inquiry, I love turning to face it and take a good look.

Oh, by the way, remember my leg? (All eyes on me!) Well, I almost forgot about it, and returned to my old dance recently, like I used to before I tore my hamstring last fall. The joy I felt on the dance floor was so sweet, I was ecstatic.

And then a few hours later, hmmm. Some dull aching pain radiating from my injury site.

And then the next day, my back and hamstring hurt so much I couldn’t get out of bed. 

Is it true, that I am condemned to reduced movement, decline, pain, aging, discomfort? Am I missing out?

Yes, yes, oh yes. Cry. Fist shaking at the sky. 

Am I sure that it would be better to be my definition of health, right now? What am I looking for anyway, eternal life? Never feeling any pain, ever, ever?

This is an amazing question, to even open to the idea that it might not be as bad as I think. Or I might not want what I *think* I want.

“We try to accept what is, and I’ve come to see that this is just a beginning. To love what is, is how you know that you’re right with yourself. It’s a state of gratitude that you’re living out of that is entirely stimulating, and motivating, and it always replenishes….When we’re of right mind, there is no loss.” ~ Byron Katie 

How do I react when I believe I’m missing something, losing something?

Angry, calculating, sad, upset, snappish at people, unhappy, grabby, panicked, fast.

Gratitude? Uh, that would be NOT. 

(And don’t get upset with yourself for not being grateful, you’re not supposed to jump to grateful, unless you do…it’s not “better”. Is it true that you should be grateful, when you aren’t?)

Who would I be without the thought that my physical state is wrong, a mistake, bad, off, incomplete, imperfect?

Without the thought that having this body means I have to feel pain, I have to miss out, I’m losing something?

“When you finally awake, you don’t try to make good things happen; they just happen. You understand suddenly that everything that happens to you is good. Think of some people you’re living with whom you want to change. You find them moody, inconsiderate, unreliable, treacherous, or whatever. But when you are different, they’ll be different. That’s an infallible and miraculous cure. The day you are different, they will become different. And you will see them differently, too….All of a sudden, no one has the power to hurt you anymore.” Anthony De Mello

If I looked at this physical state, this sickness, ugliness, injury, pain, as one of those people that I’ve been judging…who would I be without these thoughts? 

Even just a tiny smidgeon of an idea? Not inconsiderate? Not treacherous? Not dangerous?

Turning the stressful thoughts around:

  • I can’t go to that party, but I won’t miss out (it’s a party right here, with myself)
  • I’m living right now
  • I’ll won’t miss everyone, I’ll be connected to everything
  • I accept this feeling of pain, not against it, could I love it even?
  • this is all temporary…halleluia (instead of oh sad)
  • I’ll always run, play, jump, flip, bike, move, dance again…I could have what these things bring, like ecstasy, always
“It’s your last chance in this incarnation, as your body begins to fade – or you are becoming aware of this limited lifespan. It’s your last chance to go beyond identification with form. This is true whether it’s to do with your body, or somebody else’s body.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Who would you be, without your body?

Much love, Grace

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Best. Relationship. Ever.

The other day, a new friend shared with me that a relationship expert and mentor she very much appreciates told her if you feel attraction to anyone over a six on the richter scale….

….run the other way, fast.

In other words, if you’re getting thrown off kilter, toppled over, if the ground is moving….DANGER DANGER! 

It made me laugh.

I’ve had a couple of those off-the-charts explosive attractions.

Of course, when I look back, they were big invitations for expressing true love….and I didn’t always do that.

Let me explain.

I totally get why a relationship expert would joke that runningaway if you feel Big Crazy Love might offer a better outcome than running toward.

Thank goodness for the Tuesday Year of Inquiry group this past week. We’ve been looking at attraction, sexuality, dating, romance for the past month…

…and the power of the group connecting together to hear each other’s thoughts and work in inquiry together was soooo valuable.

I’ve had this feeling about intense feelings not only with romantic flares, but others as well.

People in our YOI could relate.

That person should settle down, not move so quick, relax, quit acting so excited, stop being so intense, stop pushing, asking, inviting, showing up, calling, emailing, texting, pestering, returning. Get a grip!

It’s too much! They should back off!

Many years ago when I was in my twenties I was in an office building at the end of the day. It was 5 pm and pitch dark. A north American winter.

I had just been getting to know a man I met in an improv theater class. We had gone out to dinner and had a great conversation for hours.

Leaving my job, I got a phone call from him at my desk.

I had told him where I worked but never given him the number. He had looked up the organization in the phone book, called the main reception, and tracked me down.

I laughed and said “no problem” but I had just a wee bit of a weird feeling, or a question, or a slight spark of alertness.

I ignored it.

The building emptied out, people waving goodbye to me as they passed my door, and soon I was the only person left.

I continued on the phone with my new friend, flirting, joking around, but then he said “Hey, I just got to your work, I’m parked out front.”

Uh. Too much. Too fast. Too intense. Not invited.

Fear raced through my veins.

I said I wasn’t done working, which was actually true, but I normally wouldn’t have stayed at my office to finish my tasks that day, I would have taken them home.

After some light conversation, he told me he was leaving.

I stayed at my desk for 2 hours, until the janitor arrived. I was frightened.

Let’s see what it would be like if back then I had The Work.

Is it true that it’s too much and therefore he should back off?

Yes. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything, or notice how much I don’t like this.

I want him to change, I want him to chill.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should? Am I sure that he should be different, rather than me?

No. Rats. I thought it would be easier for the other person to change.

I don’t like where this is going.

How do I react when I believe I need to escape, it’s too much, I can’t handle it, they are too big, loud, noisy, overbearing, scary, intense…whatever that other person does TOO MUCH of?

I squirm. I get really frightened. I run. I avoid.

But who would I be without the thought that he was too forward, too pushy, too grabby, too full of assumptions, too…..too?

I love this question. So beautiful. So fun.

There that person is, being chaotic, busy, wild, excessive, extreme, surprising….and you do not have the thought that there’s no way to handle it but to run for the hills?

I’d feel clear, direct, focused, aware. I’d tell the truth.

I’m surprised you’re here. It feels strange to me. It’s odd that you tracked me down at work, I don’t want to talk with you while at my job. I can’t see you right now. I’m uncomfortable with what you’re doing. I’m not able to meet you. I hear you, and my answer is no. 

Even parents have trouble with their thoughts and a screaming child, along these lines.

Who would THEY be without the belief that it’s too much, too big, too loud for them to handle? That their kid is wrong for being the way they are being, and should stop, NOW?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in a form that we haven’t understood yet…..Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet….(and that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: they should be this way, they are not too much, I can say yes or no and be totally honest, I am receiving good information, there is no disappointment, upset, or defense needed.

I am safe, clear.

If that form is love arising then I am love arising too.

Complete freedom. No need to be against them. Honest expression. Truth.

I speak with strength from my heart, with love that is like a strong rod, rooted in the earth. I care for myself, I care for them.

“Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. Stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in YOU.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Thank you Big Crazy Love for showing up. It showed me every time where I needed to be more real, gentle, expressive, kind…

….and to express my own big crazy love, not just for that other person, but most of all, for me. 

What would it be like if YOU were your number one biggest fan, and you held yourself, took care of yourself, loved and trusted yourself, did the kindest thing you could imagine for yourself, rescued yourself, in the presence of that tough person?

Best. Relationship. Ever.

With love, Grace

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Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace