Tag: separation

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Thinking about the end of a relationship? You might want to question that.

Thinking of the end? Join us in DIH: IIT? (That’s short code for Divorce Is Hell: Is It True?) Starting January 12th for 8 weeks. Sundays 11:00am PT.

Sometimes, the companions we meet along our journey in life are…..difficult.

To put it mildly.

Like, for example, the people we marry or move in with or spend lots and lots of time with in romantic formats or possibilities of romance.

Those same people leave us, anger us, hurt us, smite us, replace us, and grow us in ways perhaps we never imagined or dreamed.

It didn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

Perhaps it’s not going the way we wanted it to go right now.

It’s tough when a relationship goes south, or doesn’t seem to be the dreamy wonderful vision it was at first.

The other day, a close friend of mine asked to listen to the memorial service recording of my first husband Tom, from July 2018.

My friend asked about fast-forwarding the recording to where I come to the front and speak.

Fortunately, because another different friend had asked for the very same speech several months ago, I had the exact segment saved from the service where I spoke, quivering voice and all.

I found it again on my computer and sent it.

I couldn’t listen to it myself. Too emotional. Too hard to bring back the memories.

I didn’t want to hear my voice breaking constantly during the short space of time I was on “stage” sharing to an audience of hundreds.

My friend wrote back.

“I am so moved by this profound tribute. I love how your heart remained forever open to Tom. You are MY teacher. I am blessed to have such a good seat in this play. Thank you for your brilliance, consideration and poetry”.

I suddenly had the thought to share this very personal speech with you that feels sacred and somewhat private.

Why?

Because this speech exists because of The Work of Byron Katie. 

This story could have gone very differently. In which case there would have been no speech at all. Perhaps just mourning and jaded despair.

In my relationship to the man who played the role of first husband, I might have remained myself in the role of victim. I might have been bitter. I might have been terrified. I might have been glum or depressed, or feeling like a failure or someone worthy of rejection and abandonment.

I might have remained angry and resentful.

But I learned, just before things went a little haywire in our relationship, how to identify and question my beliefs.

I still have mini fits and tell stories that sound sad, but I know they aren’t true. 

Yes, we got divorced. Yes, I felt abandoned. Yes, I thought I’d never love again. Yes, I thought I wouldn’t make it and was shattered into a million pieces.

None of that turned out to be true. And thankfully, I could SEE it wasn’t true because of questioning my beliefs, questioning what I was telling myself, questioning the thoughts connected to the emotions I felt.

I had the four questions.

Instead, I think of that relationship as one of the most profoundly important and life-transforming of my entire life.

You’ll hear why when you listen.

Click here:

If you are suffering because of a primary relationship going off the rails, or love not measuring up to what you anticipated or expected….

….if you are still “in” the relationship but contemplating a break in the structure and you have fears about what you’re imagining….

….join Nadine and I in our upcoming course starting Sundays January 12th (no meeting Jan. 19th). We meet online on zoom from 11:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time/ 7:00-8:30pm UK.

The only requirement for joining is wanting to end your suffering in relationship; whether in the distant past, in the present, or in the imagined future.

Join us if it’s right for you.

And guess what? Kind of funny (and we get it): We’ve been asked a handful of times for a registration link that doesn’t mention the title so certain partners won’t be hurt or confused if they see it on a credit card statement.

If you want to sign up for this course without having the words “divorce” or “break up” or “separation” or “hell” (LOL) anywhere in print then please feel free to use this simplified link to enroll right here.

This work is about addressing the fearful thinking and finding the peace within you that’s available right now, no matter what the status or condition of your relationship.

It’s about finding freedom and clarity, so you can be honest and real and share yourself lovingly with the other, with every “other”, and notice how peaceful and safe it can be whether you’re committed, married, single, divorced, separated, confused or complicated.

Divorce/Breaking Up/Separation Is Hell–Is It True?: 8 session online zoom course dissolving the pain of feeling separate from another human being who appears to move away from you. Join Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell right here. Sundays at 11:00am PT/ 7:00pm UK. We start January 12th (no class Jan. 19th).

Much love,

Grace

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What if you’re stuck? In Africa? And it’s getting dark?

South African adventure 1976....before the mud
South African adventure 1976….before the mud

I was 15 years old and on the most daring adventure my academic traveling parents had taken yet.

They liked exploring the world, the inner and outer.

Despite being able to identify a few imperfections about my parents (LOL, I’ve had the privilege of doing The Work)….

….my mom and dad both rocked the house when it came to love of learning.

They had rented a van, referred to as a kombi, in South Africa, and we joined another family with three kids (ours had four) in their own car, making a caravan to a fascinating place all the adults wanted to see.

We were in the tiny country of Lesotho (you say it “Lahsootoo”).

We had been driving for hours. Days, actually.

It had been raining just as long.

Even though I was 15, I notice now I didn’t question or ask how my parents and the other parents picked the village we were trying to drive to, or why.

They loved seeing places.

We were traveling a completely unpaved road at this point.

Well, things had been unpaved for a very long time, come to think of it.

Far, far, far into the deep heart of this small country.

We passed only people on foot, pretty rarely, carrying items on their heads. They would stop and stare at us as we bumped by like a gigantic turtle splattered with mud, going ten miles per hour. Maybe.

We could see the back of our friends up ahead also in their mud-covered car, the color now unknown as I remember only…..mud.

Then, I heard the spin.

The alert of tires, turning wildly in the thick mud.

I sat up straight and looked up at my dad from the back seat.

Would this be yet another time when he’d jump out, my mom would take the wheel, and he’d run alongside and push the van?

Spin, spin, spin.

Cough.

The engine died.

He turned it on again….success, motor engaged.

A moment later he called “everyone out!”

Our friends were up ahead, also spinning in place. Tires whirring and splatting mud in shooting streams.

They beckoned up to us as we all unloaded and moved to their car.

Everyone’s clothes were also, basically, mud-colored. At least our trousers.

Me and every other kid had bare feet. It was easier than trying to actually pull on mud-coated shoes.

We leaned, shoved, and in one big lunge, their car moved forward and up to more solid less liquified ground.

Then came the project of getting the kombi unstuck, and also up to solid ground.

I could tell my dad was getting anxious. It would be dark eventually.

They tried putting paper under the tires for traction. Everyone was offering solutions. A few men walking together along the road, who spoke no English at all, also began talking, waving their arms around, gesturing. It soon became clear, we will all set to gather piles of plants, grass, flowers, sticks, and make something solid in the road.

After a very long time, with shouting, and lots of rocking the kombi, lightening the load by unpacking some of it, and gathering everything we could pick, carry or throw under the wheels….

….there came that moment.

Just like when the space ship breaks through the last leg and the astronauts make it.

Cheers went up! The van was unstuck!

Hooray! All these people, some of whom didn’t speak the same language, shouting Hooray!

We then made our way only 30 minutes farther down the mountain as the day began to fade, entering a remote little village of maybe eight rondavels (small round lovely huts).

We made it.

Nothing like the thrill of Team Work.

Even though we traveled for an entire year, none of us ever forget that moment of the Lesotho mud road.

That village was the most beautiful place, ever, and my memory is the sun came out the next day….although I don’t actually know if that’s true. It was the sunny feeling on the inside of making it through a difficult problem, everyone pitching in and taking part, everyone having a role. Relief. Success.

The feeling of going at it together.

The other day, during a Year of Inquiry weekly call, someone in our group got stuck with her turnarounds.

“I absolutely can’t see”, she said, “how I could find any examples at all for why my ex shouldn’t work with me to help our teenage son.”

There was a pause, and then she asked everyone…..”can you all help me? Does anyone else see an example for my turnaround?”

Someone “raised their hand” (I get to see it on my screen, after someone pushes *2) and I called their name.

Then someone else offered a suggestion, and someone else.

It reminded me of Byron Katie here in Seattle several weeks ago, when a man sat on stage after the suicide of his son, looking at the turnaround on his worksheet and shaking his head “no”…..

…..”he should be dead”?

Katie turned to the audience.

Can anyone find an example?

One by one, people raised their hands and shared: He doesn’t have to live into old age, sickness or decay, he’s no longer suffering in this life, he’s free of a body, he’ll never have to go through other hardship and loss again like we all do while here on planet earth.

The point is not to try to feel better, if you don’t.

It’s not to be in denial.

It’s not pretending that what breaks your heart into a million pieces, didn’t.

For me, it’s about understanding this thinking, that I call “my” thinking (which can be questioned)….and being here, together with reality, instead of separated and in pain.

This work is about investigating the human condition, our thoughts, our suffering, what we believe that’s so agonizing.

And when it’s really difficult, and we can’t see any peace, we can get help from others.

Team Work.

And maybe we are all working together, all the time, all along, in every moment–no matter what has happened or is happening–and you always have available for you the question “can you help me get unstuck?”

“We seek because we feel separate – from each other, from life itself, from The One we love. We feel separate, but are we actually separate? To whom does ‘the sense of being separate’ appear? Does anybody own this ‘sense of being separate’? Even ‘the sense of being separate’ is inseparable from what you are. It does not belong to you. It arises in total intimacy. What you are allows every sense, every feeling, every thought to arise and fall, in a vast open space that cannot be fathomed by mind. Freedom from separation within that very sense of separation. Stunning!” ~ Jeff Foster

Ask for help. Yes, from the person you just thought of, from the group you know of that helps people in your situation.
You feel separate, but you aren’t.
Even if you’re far, far away in Africa, with no stores, or food, or gas stations or places that can help you in sight….
….and it’s getting dark….and darker….
….I guarantee you, you aren’t alone.
Air is filling your lungs, you’re here.
Team Work is happening.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like the collective energy of people gathering together to question stressful thinking, come to retreat. The next retreat: Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. We’ll look at what we wish was here now (desire, abundance, love, excitement, the thing) and examine this longing for the truth. March 18-20.

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That Person Separated From Me

So many people lately have contacted me to work with them about a a spouse, a lover, a friend, a very close person “leaving” them.

The pain involved in a break up, especially when you believe it shouldn’t be happening (or maybe, ONLY if you think it shouldn’t be happening) is excruciating.

I can hear it in the peoples’ voices….men and women both.

  • She/he shouldn’t have broken up with me
  • It is better being in a relationship than out of one
  • They shouldn’t have left me a voicemail to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have emailed me or written me a letter to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have texted me to break up!
  • I demand face-to-face explanation, time, connection
  • There is a right way to say goodbye

Really?

How do I know it isn’t true that someone should NOT text their break up words?

People do it! It’s reality!

Before we jump all the way to how it might be a good thing to receive a text “I am breaking up with you. We are no longer friends. Please do not contact me again”….I love exploring, with honor and acceptance and compassion, why it feels so bad.

For me, it was because I instantly assumed a whole load of beliefs to be true, and many of them boiled down to “I know what is best for me, for them, for this situation….and it is NOT what is happening.”

Byron Katie likes to joke “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

That may feel a little harsh, especially when you’re hurting, and it is not meant in any way to suggest that you are wrong.

But for me, it opened up the possibility that what had happened was a good thing, or something I didn’t understand (and maybe never would) and that I may want to consider not toying with the universe and demanding it go the way I want it to go.

This idea is not yet another way to add to your list of pain, that you shouldn’t be so upset, that you are mistaken, that your grief is unfounded.

Your stress and pain is in exactly the most powerful place, the most perfect level, for you to notice how deeply you are fighting reality.

There is reality…with a person texting you “goodbye”.

Right on heals of awareness of this reality, practically the second it occurs, you react.

You explode with anger, terror, pain…you rip the person to shreds, you say how rude they are, how unenlightened, how immature.

People who break up with other people abruptly, with only a few words, are mean, should have given their partners more time, more attention, more comfort, more processing.

Are you sure?

These kinds of thoughts will even appear when someone dies. Suddenly, our beloved partner is gone.

We are shocked, it feels like our world is turned inside out. We can hardly breathe.

And yet, we start to think about what they could have done differently, or what they might have tried or adjusted or considered so that this sudden shocking event of them “leaving” didn’t happen in this exact way.

They shouldn’t have signed up to be in the military in the first place! They should have been wearing their seatbelt! They should have lost weight and taken better care of themselves! They should have gotten sober! They shouldn’t have been up in the middle of the night! They should have consulted a different doctor! They should have gotten their bike fixed!

The mind has a great plan for improvement, even in the past.

But it all points back to a profoundly deep belief that we are separated now, and before, we were together.

You are separated from that person….is it true?

Right in this moment, when you are thinking about them, crying, remembering, seeing them clearly in your mind….are you 100% separated from them?

I didn’t find it to be true, once I looked.

BUT! WAIT!

That person is not IN THE ROOM with me! The future looks as if I may never have them in the same room again with me! Life with that person is OVER!

Look again and be slow about it. Even if think it’s true that you are separated from that beloved person, you may notice that you are not 100% certain.

You have memories, you can picture them perfectly, you can see their smile, you can hear their laughter.

They are in your heart.

“If we’re going to love well, then we’re going to have to stop seeing people as problems.” ~ Adyashanti

This includes them being a problem when they leave.

Perhaps there is no right way to say goodbye, except the way that it is done. That way IS the right way. I can find the advantages every time.

Perhaps you are not actually left, but you are set free…I can see this as true for me.

Perhaps you are not separate from them, or from the universe or life, from All That Is, from Source, mystery, beauty, or love.

In fact, I am sure you are not. It just looked like you were for a moment…according to you.

But it isn’t true.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one.  It has to be you.  The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel the incredible freedom that no one else on this entire planet, including the one who breaks up via text, has to follow your rules?

Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats: