Tag: divorce

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Fire and Purification, Love and Inquiry

Valentine’s Day TeleSession 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE. Password: WWGVALENTINE. Donations fantastic, so helpful & not required.

It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.

But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….

….The Work is beckoning.

Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.

Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.

Concerns about love show up in many ways.

To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.

Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.

They had an off-again, on-again relationship.

He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….

….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.

But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.

Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?

And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”

It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.

Deep breath.

This is a good one for inquiry.

This relationship should be different than it is.

Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.

Let’s do The Work.

In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.

Is that true?

Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.

How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?

Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.

So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?

Woah. But.

I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!

Slow down, though.

To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….

….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?

Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.

When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.

She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).

For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….

….without any thought that something’s missing.

Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.

Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.

I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.

Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.

I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.

And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?

This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.

I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.

As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….

….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.

I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.

And if there’s a fight….The Work.

“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.

Much love,

Grace

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Mentors have made a huge difference in my life….for the better

laddertosuccess
Does it seem impossible to “get there” to peace in divorce, or peace in business? Question your thinking.

A woman I greatly admire is the late Debbie Ford, author of many books, and so passionate about opening herself up to an expanding life. The first book I read by her was Spiritual Divorce.

I read it because I was going through one.

Reading that book, and doing The Work, changed everything for me about what I was experiencing.

I could see myself in her.

She had gone through divorce. She had come out even better. She had not only made it through, but transformed into a new person.

Two big reasons why Spiritual Divorce saved my sanity stood out.

First, to call divorce “spiritual” was a fantastic turnaround. I was only a baby in The Work and had experienced so much inner suffering around loss, fear, and transitions like divorce….it was inspiring to read of someone else putting on a new pair of glasses about something I thought of as terrible, like divorce.

Second, Debbie suggested when I judge someone, or even have a quick immediate response that feels uncomfortable, I’m probably seeing something inside of me I’d rather not see.

In other words….I’m projecting.

When I meet or think of someone and I think “ewwww, gross” or “that’s disgusting” or “he is awful, selfish, uncaring” or “she is rude, passive, needy”….

….I could be rejecting something Debbie called the “shadow side” of myself. I’m looking at that other person and seeing with judgment and rejection and alarm.

My mind is saying “Never Be Like That!” as I look at this other troubling person.

Byron Katie would call your awareness of this projection aturnaround. What I dislike in you, I dislike in me.

Well….I have another area of life where in the past I felt lost, depressed, inadequate and like a failure.

Making a living.

Ugh.

Why didn’t I go to medical school? Why did I have to be such a nervous wreck once I hit my twenties and young adult-hood? Why couldn’t I work at a good company and stay there? And what about me running my own business now….can I even make it on my own?

One thing that’s been incredible, is to notice who I think of as successful, who I feel has made it, who is earning a good living, who has a respectful career, who’s doing “well”….

….and inquire into what’s really true.

What do I think they have, that I don’t?

Believe me. This was several (cough…tons) of worksheets.

Thoughts constantly surfaced as I offered my services whenever I was not directly working with people (working with people I felt good, clear and like I was following my calling). Doing all the promotional stuff, sharing my wares, spreading the word, doing speaking engagements. Yuck!

Thoughts like “I can’t talk to those people”, “I don’t have what it takes”, “they’re better than me”, “they know more”, “I’m a dork when it comes to business”, “people won’t like me”.

And if someone suggested to me I do something like share yourself honestly or talk about money openly, I thought “I can’t, I won’t, that’s embarrassing!”

Well….I’m still not entirely comfortable with the whole business, earning, money, work ethic, success story, to be honest, but I just had to share with you today that I have another mentor/coach who I’ve also learned some valuable things from, just like Debbie.

I mentioned her last weekend….Selena Soo. But here’s why I’m speaking of her again. She interviewed me after I worked with her for a year, and I just got the link.

(You can watch by clicking HERE even though the shy introverted part of me can hardly believe I’m sharing this publicly. My first professional on-camera interview, I was very honored).

This is really, truly a miraculous thing. That I would be interviewed because of my business success. Woah.

A couple of years ago, when I connected and started working with Selena, I actually began to become one of those people I always admired when it came to this definition of “success”. One of the reasons why was because Selena said she was introverted, too, and I could see it was true AND see that she was succeeding and helping people. The gap wasn’t so wide between me and her.

I could see myself in her.

Money was important and valuable, but Serving Others was what was most important about having a business or doing work in the world.

As you know, when we do The Work and question our thoughts, the place we immediately go is to our stressful beliefs. The ones we’re thinking when we feel unhappy, when we feel dread, sadness, anger or suffering.

But what I discovered along the way, especially in the business world, was that when I admired and saw someone successful and rockin’ it, it was almost always just as difficult as seeing someone as bad, wrong or unacceptable.

I know this sounds weird, but my view of myself was sometimes diminished when I saw someone as brilliant, fantastic, genius, “arrived”. They are. I’m not.

Whooo Boy. It was such a weird awakening to realize thatcomparison, even to someone I admire, was stressful.

I’ll never forget going to a huge conference for business owners, before I worked with Selena (I met her there), and being surrounded by some people who said they made $1,000,000 per month in their businesses.

WHAT??!

There were huge fancy dinners and super loud music and people hootin’ and hollerin’ and clapping, people drinking and giving high-fives and laughing and spending. And I was staying “secretly” down the road at a Motel 6.

I was NOT COMFORTABLE.

Classes and programs, coaching and groups are certainly not for everyone, and no one has to sign up for anything. I say this when people are disappointed they can’t go to The School for The Work.

But one way I’ve loved living my turnarounds is to joyfully learn from whoever I can about anything I love and just be the one who is a total beginner, with an open mind, capable of getting something new and different. I’ve loved being in so many amazing programs of education, including ones about business and money, sharing, giving, receiving, paying, charging, marketing, writing, speaking.

Today I’m passing along the encouragement, if this business is something you’d like training in, to sign up for Selena’s webinar this next week or watch my video interview above. The reason I’m sending it now is because she’s getting ready to run her group program again, the same one I took, called Get Known Get Clients. If you’re interested, you can register for her webinar (completely free) here.

And when I did The Work on that big fancy high-flying-numbers business conference I had a profound insight.

It was a very difficult experience, very intense emotionally…..

…..but I found within myself a best friend (moi) and a friendliness to the wealthy, creative, innovative, successful people of the business world who I had always judged so harshly.

I discovered I was keeping my awesomeness from THEM. I was being selfish and greedy, and creating separation with my very thinking.

Most of all, I was disconnecting from myself, being so sure I didn’t belong in their club.

“I know now when I walk in a room that everyone loves me. They just don’t realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Can you imagine feeling this way 24/7? That you’re the cutest thing ever, and you’ll never leave your side, and you adore being you?

What I know to do is when I don’t…..The Work.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Breitenbush has 7 spots before we’re full and it is such a fabulous time in a gorgeous pristine forest with a tradition of hosting brilliant and wonderful people like Ram Dass. I’d adore you joining me, whether you’re wanting to work on money, success, career, neighbor, mom, dad, sibling, child, body, addiction. We dig down into our stories, the ones that when we believe them, we suffer. Doing The Work together is, quite honestly (for me and for many), nothing like doing The Work on your own. Hit reply if you have questions, about anything Breitenbush. June 22 evening through Sunday June 26 lunch.

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That Person Separated From Me

So many people lately have contacted me to work with them about a a spouse, a lover, a friend, a very close person “leaving” them.

The pain involved in a break up, especially when you believe it shouldn’t be happening (or maybe, ONLY if you think it shouldn’t be happening) is excruciating.

I can hear it in the peoples’ voices….men and women both.

  • She/he shouldn’t have broken up with me
  • It is better being in a relationship than out of one
  • They shouldn’t have left me a voicemail to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have emailed me or written me a letter to break up!
  • They shouldn’t have texted me to break up!
  • I demand face-to-face explanation, time, connection
  • There is a right way to say goodbye

Really?

How do I know it isn’t true that someone should NOT text their break up words?

People do it! It’s reality!

Before we jump all the way to how it might be a good thing to receive a text “I am breaking up with you. We are no longer friends. Please do not contact me again”….I love exploring, with honor and acceptance and compassion, why it feels so bad.

For me, it was because I instantly assumed a whole load of beliefs to be true, and many of them boiled down to “I know what is best for me, for them, for this situation….and it is NOT what is happening.”

Byron Katie likes to joke “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

That may feel a little harsh, especially when you’re hurting, and it is not meant in any way to suggest that you are wrong.

But for me, it opened up the possibility that what had happened was a good thing, or something I didn’t understand (and maybe never would) and that I may want to consider not toying with the universe and demanding it go the way I want it to go.

This idea is not yet another way to add to your list of pain, that you shouldn’t be so upset, that you are mistaken, that your grief is unfounded.

Your stress and pain is in exactly the most powerful place, the most perfect level, for you to notice how deeply you are fighting reality.

There is reality…with a person texting you “goodbye”.

Right on heals of awareness of this reality, practically the second it occurs, you react.

You explode with anger, terror, pain…you rip the person to shreds, you say how rude they are, how unenlightened, how immature.

People who break up with other people abruptly, with only a few words, are mean, should have given their partners more time, more attention, more comfort, more processing.

Are you sure?

These kinds of thoughts will even appear when someone dies. Suddenly, our beloved partner is gone.

We are shocked, it feels like our world is turned inside out. We can hardly breathe.

And yet, we start to think about what they could have done differently, or what they might have tried or adjusted or considered so that this sudden shocking event of them “leaving” didn’t happen in this exact way.

They shouldn’t have signed up to be in the military in the first place! They should have been wearing their seatbelt! They should have lost weight and taken better care of themselves! They should have gotten sober! They shouldn’t have been up in the middle of the night! They should have consulted a different doctor! They should have gotten their bike fixed!

The mind has a great plan for improvement, even in the past.

But it all points back to a profoundly deep belief that we are separated now, and before, we were together.

You are separated from that person….is it true?

Right in this moment, when you are thinking about them, crying, remembering, seeing them clearly in your mind….are you 100% separated from them?

I didn’t find it to be true, once I looked.

BUT! WAIT!

That person is not IN THE ROOM with me! The future looks as if I may never have them in the same room again with me! Life with that person is OVER!

Look again and be slow about it. Even if think it’s true that you are separated from that beloved person, you may notice that you are not 100% certain.

You have memories, you can picture them perfectly, you can see their smile, you can hear their laughter.

They are in your heart.

“If we’re going to love well, then we’re going to have to stop seeing people as problems.” ~ Adyashanti

This includes them being a problem when they leave.

Perhaps there is no right way to say goodbye, except the way that it is done. That way IS the right way. I can find the advantages every time.

Perhaps you are not actually left, but you are set free…I can see this as true for me.

Perhaps you are not separate from them, or from the universe or life, from All That Is, from Source, mystery, beauty, or love.

In fact, I am sure you are not. It just looked like you were for a moment…according to you.

But it isn’t true.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one.  It has to be you.  The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel the incredible freedom that no one else on this entire planet, including the one who breaks up via text, has to follow your rules?

Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
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Stepping Backwards When A Relationship Ends

When I was traveling half way around the world recently with my beloved partner, after almost three weeks of 24/7 time together….at one point I thought suddenly “it’s easier to be single”.

So many advantages, for an introvert like me. Although I couldn’t believe the thought for more than 15 seconds.

But there was a flash, a vision of the benefits, all in an instant. Quiet, silence, space, no deciding what we’re doing next, no talking….fortunately, all I needed to do was to say “could we have no talking?” and my husband lovingly agreed.

And it was really hilarious that I even jumped to that thought in the first place, because I used to think the opposite: “it’s better to be partnered.”

The belief that it’s better to be in partnership, dating, have a girlfriend or boyfriend is really common. And often stressful.

“I can’t get what I really want, need, desire, enjoy…unless I have a partner”. 

Many people are single when they say or think this thought. At least, I said it when I myself was single.

I would be having a wonderful time, and then have the thought “this would be BETTER if I had a partner here with me!”

Now, I’m not saying that being married to the amazing and sweet man I am married to is difficult. It is, in fact, the easiest, most kind, loving, simple relationship I’ve ever known.

But I swear….it seems like this current relationship appeared when I came to stand in a place where I really did not care if I ever got married again. Or care if I ever lived with anyone again. Or care if I was “in a relationship” again.

I did The Work a LOT on relationships….especially after my first marriage of 15 years ended.

Fortunately, I had The Work.

Fortunately, I stopped “trying” to go get something different. I stopped trying to move forward into that new state of relationship that would be better.

I stopped, and questioned my thinking.

When a relationship “ends” (we’ll talk about what that means in a minute) then it is very common for human beings to feel a great variety of feelings…feelings that HURT!!

I was not only hurting, I felt physically sick. I could not sleep well, I had a low-level anxiety running at all times, and my future looked bleak.

I thought that “ending” meant a lot of things. BAD THINGS.

My thoughts about myself were the most excruciating. They went something like this:

  • I am worthy of being broken up with
  • if I was good enough, this wouldn’t be happening
  • I can’t make it financially on my own
  • I can’t handle house repairs or car repairs by myself
  • My life will never be the same, it is over
  • I will never risk being this hurt again
  • The rest of my life, I will be lonely
  • I need someone else to pow-wow with, to converse with, to be intimate with emotionally and physically

As I looked at the beliefs and the whole system of thinking about Relationships: The Pros and The Cons.…I realized that many of the primary core beliefs broke apart and didn’t even make sense once I began to investigate them.

Could I really know that it was true, that this relationship “ending” meant that I wasn’t good enough? That if someone was breaking up with me, it meant BAD THINGS about me?

Could I really know that I couldn’t make it financially on my own? Or handle daily life tasks?

Was it really true that my life changing drastically was a TERRIBLE thing?

Was I really, really, really as hurt as I thought I was? Or lonely?

Was I SURE I could only get the intimacy I craved from a primary relationship?

No! I had no idea, really, that what was happening was a dreadful, horrible, terrible thing.

When I believed that it was a bad thing….life was rough. I was scared, confused, closed, nervous, and unhappy. I wasn’t interested in other people, or I was TOO interested in people who actually did NOT REALLY interest me. A knot of tension and dishonesty.

And then I asked the amazing question….“who would I be without the thought that breaking up or ending a relationship is a bad thing”?

What if it was a good thing?

“How do I know I don’t need a boyfriend? Simple: I don’t have one. ” ~ Byron Katie

Ending an important relationship brings so much opportunity to question stress and pain…I found the turnarounds to be amazingly true.

A relationship ending could give you the opportunity to enjoy your own company, to enjoy yourself as worthy, to notice how you are good enough, to make it financially on your own, to handle house and car repairs yourself, to notice life was already not ever going to be the same (always changing), to laugh, to see how intimate you can be with anyone, in every way.

I mean, you could ROCK, without needing anyone!

And here’s the funniest thing of all: the relationship didn’t actually “end”.

There is communication, conversation, ideas, response, memories, laughing….they continue.

Even my father, who is long gone, I can remember, think about, talk to…it did not “end”.

“The forward step is always moving ahead, always trying to attain what you want, whether it’s a material possession or inner peace. The forward step is very familiar: seeking and more seeking, striving and more striving, always looking for peace, always looking for happiness, looking for love. To take the backward step means to just turn around, reverse the whole process of looking for satisfaction on the outside, and look at precisely the place where you are standing. See if what you are looking for isn’t already present in your experience.” ~ Adyashanti

I say, question your thinking, change everything you know about relationships.

It’s worth it.

And if I can do it….lordy…you can do it too.

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
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