Tag: love

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What does it mean to move without resistance? The joy of acting in The Work.

There was a time when I became aware, about two years into doing The Work, that sometimes the mind can hold up a belief very solidly in the background of a situation we’re investigating, and not let go.

I didn’t even know I had the belief. That’s the funny part.

I was dating in my forties.

I was also rather shocked to be dating as I had felt so married-for-life in my first marriage of 15 years.

I loved partnership and had mostly been with a partner for the majority of my life since age 16. It seemed easy and natural.

(And before that, I always had one close best friend).

So there I was, meeting men and dating.

There was one man I found incredibly funny and smart, but also quite troubled.

We’d go on a walk or have a meal and talk in depth, and all kinds of weird emotional conflict would appear.

I’d feel nervous, angry, or incredibly disgusted.

Fairly new in my experience of self-inquiry and The Work at that time, I’d write a worksheet on the moment of disruption and get all my thoughts on paper: “he shouldn’t have said that”, “I need him to be different”, “there’s something wrong with him”, “he’s too depressed”, “he’s an addict”. 

I would take them through the four questions and find turnarounds and feel amazed with what I learned about myself.

And yet…the conflict persisted.

And so did the on-and-off dating, anxiety, and anger.

When suddenly one day, while sitting quietly in The Work, I heard the voice in my head ask this powerful question:

Why are you trying so, so hard to make this relationship work….when it just plain isn’t?

Why are you trying so hard to like red when you prefer blue?

And the hidden “agenda” appeared before my eyes.

This. Relationship. Must. Work.

Dreams of a future living with this person in bliss, enjoying the support of the money he had accumulated and his good taste, feeling that old natural feeling within me of having one best friend in my life, imagining easy conversations and someone to whom you could say “hey, did you see that?”

Some part of my mind didn’t like noticing this dynamic did NOT really work.

I scared him, he scared me.

Everyone confused and upset. Uneasy.

Ideas about what “success” or “love” looks like.

Is it true it had to work?

Is it true the images I had of “it working” were real? Or was it all imagination? (Um, I would say it was imagination, LOL).

What happened when I believed that relationship MUST work and turn into the relationship I dreamed of?

Well one thing that happened, is I did The Work itself on every tiny thing I did not like, in an effort to land on peace, enforce peace, arrive at peace.

Even my dreams of “peace” were false and guessed at. I said peace didn’t look like the present moment, it looked like a vision I had in the future.

I ignored my preferences, for “peace”. I turned everything around to myself “for peace”. I went places and ate food I didn’t like and said “yes” to invitations “for peace” or “for hope”.

I turned all my stressful thoughts around and then made an effort to keep myself directed narrowly to this goal of making the relationship work: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I need me to be different”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m too depressed”, “I’m an addict–especially about him”. 

But who would I be without the belief “I’m going someplace BETTER in the future (this future relationship working the way I want and imagine)?

Who would I be without the belief “This Must Work”?

On that day I suddenly dropped below my hopes and motives to enforce happiness in the future, my attitude of “fighting” for happiness….

….and I noticed reality.

Reality didn’t look like my plan. Reality didn’t look like celebration and loving connection and beauty and two married people smiling at each other in that moment.

What was the reality?

Not that.

THIS.

And then…the questioning opened up and I became aware of a turnaround: This IS Working. 

This is it. This is where this is going.

Right now.

Not in the future somewhere, where heaven awaits.

Heaven could be right here, despite the discord in relating and the difficult thinking and the tortured emotions and apparent confusion.

The sun still shines behind the sky, the world still moves, the breath still flows in and out of this body, the life force still pulses with joy–no matter what I’m ever doing, no matter what is happening, no matter what is being “thought” in any moment.

I could be cleaning dog poop off my shoe, and this is what is, in that moment.

Not the future cleaned up shoe.

Can I notice This. Is. Working. 

The relationship may not involve future active connection (turns out it did not) but what a joy to flow with life instead of push against it.

I understood then what Byron Katie and others might be talking about when they spoke of doing The Work with a motive or agenda, how it can block the freedom and peace you have access to right in the middle of any condition, relationship or situation.

Could heaven be possible even with this?

Of course.

Who am I to say “this is not heaven”?

Good news.

It didn’t matter that I had been doing that when doing The Work with a motive of eventually getting to peace. Insight came when it came, at just the right time.

I explored, I stayed, and then I saw, and I broke up with him.

The joy of not knowing what will ever happen, the freedom from being dependent on things going a certain way in order for me to be happy….dissolving.

Who are you without the belief “this is not it”?

Turned Around: This is it. This is life, being lived. This is heaven. This is waking up.

Peace is possible now.

When this realization landed inside me, I knew to break up with this man and that I didn’t have to make myself Not Think of him.

I didn’t know my future and it was totally safe, totally OK. I felt gratitude, clarity, tears, empowerment. Life moved in its own direction.

I couldn’t have gotten there, experiencing that moment as peaceful and exciting, without The Work.

Wow.

“Eventually, through practice, you no longer impose your thinking onto reality, and you can experience everything as it really is, as pure grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got beliefs about what is required for peace, for awakening, for love, for eliminating stuckness…you may want to come do The Work on retreat.

Winter retreat is a month away.

Read more here.

We meet for 2.5 hours in Pacific Time morning, then 2.5 hours later, with a nice 4 hour break in the middle of each day for partnering in The Work with someone else in the retreat, movement, your own time, rest.

Every session is recorded for those who will need to sleep during one or more sessions because of your time zone.

The immersion of sitting in The Work with others for six whole days and 30+ hours is, quite honestly, incredible.

And there are two of us to hold you in inquiry, both with our own joy of The Work as facilitators of this profound process.

Tuition is a sliding scale: $375-$895. You choose what works for you based on your resources.

No traveling–it’s all online. You’re in your own space and something supportive about doing it right where you are.

We’ve done online retreat before and it’s worked brilliantly.

We hope you’ll join us and bring the action and aliveness of loving what is into your present moment, without the burden of hoping endlessly for something else.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Not long after that time of realization about relationship and trusting reality on the topic of love, I met a wonderful man who happened to become a husband and live-in partner. Apparently life would have it this way, until it isn’t.

 

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You belong wherever you are.

It’s First Friday this week. Meaning, inquiry time online together, open to anyone and everyone. Listen, share, do The Work. You can remain quiet or participate however you like.

Enter your name and email in the link here (it’s the easiest way to get the instructions for how to join). Your email won’t be used for anything except giving you access the First Friday call. If you’re able to make a donation, you’ll see the contribution link on the call page (not required). See you Friday.

Speaking of getting connected…sometimes the opposite feeling is rather troubling.

Disconnected. Left out. Not belonging.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t a part of whatever’s happening? Uncared for? Ignored? Not as close to the group as others? Dismissed? Maybe even rejected?

And here’s a funny thing I’ve noticed: those of us who feel left out or on the outside of a culture, society, group or family actually spend time avoiding or getting away from what seems false about the crowds.

At least I did.

It’s almost like the craving for genuine connection becomes so acute, there’s no tolerance for scenes where people appear loud, hyper, distracted, false, needy, or driven.

Sometimes, we avoid our own family of origin. Too much of that feeling of being left out rises to the forefront.

Or we avoid those friends who have all known each other since 8th grade. Too stuck in the same patterns of conversation.

Let’s do The Work.

Can you find a group or a time in your life when you felt left out?

The other day I had a vivid memory (I shared it on my facebook live show when it popped in my head).

I was at a sister’s birthday party when I was 10 and she was turning 9. It was summer, hot, and so incredibly beautiful outside. The perfect northwest summer day.

Many of my sister’s friends were gathered round the picnic table and every place setting had a little colored cup filled with candy. Balloons bounced in the breeze.

Everything looked so magical to me.

And I was overwhelmed with a feeling of intense jealousy as my sister opened her gifts. One after another beautiful presents, smiles, claps, colors, and then….oh terrible sinking envy.

She got a black tape recorder. 

I WANTED A TAPE RECORDER!

How come she got one before I did?

The thing is, I already had the equally terrible thought that since I was jealous and envious, I was selfish and bad. I couldn’t let anyone see, especially my mom.

She did not approve. I knew it.

I felt so humiliated, left out, unnoticed. I had to gulp my tears. The rest of the party was horrible. I quietly slipped away to my room.

Only years later did I put together that six months earlier, my own birthday party in the dark of January was switched to my friend Sari’s house last minute because my mother was sick with breast cancer and having surgery.

I didn’t really know what was happening, just that it wasn’t good. I remember being worried, and no one at all in my family was at my party. I remember liking the party OK, and enjoying my friends who apparently successfully made it to Sari’s house instead of mine. But I was so anxious.

And even though I was ten, I had no words to communicate any of this. I just felt sick, and empty, and left out, and not even sure why. I felt like I didn’t belong, and everyone else got what they wanted in all of life, but not me. (I didn’t really put details together clearly at the time).

What a great early childhood moment for The Work.

I’m left out. I don’t belong. 

Is that true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. I’m here at my sister’s party. I’m not kicked out.

How did I react when I believed that thought that I was left out?

Very sad. Distressed. Not saying one word to anyone.

Who would I be without my belief?

I’d hold my mom’s hand (or try). I’d find my dad (where was he, anyway)? I’d find a friend in the neighborhood. I’d try to find help, connection. I do know there were people around. I was not all alone.

I’d feel OK in my own skin, no matter what was happening.

Turning the thought around: I’m not left out. I do belong.

Isn’t this just as true, or truer?

Yes.

I was able to speak English, which was the prevailing language. I had the capacity to sit down at the picnic table (I was standing off away from the gathering). I could ask my sister if I could play with her tape recorder sometime (we had a ball with it later).

I’m a part of that family. I have a room in that house. I’m a kid. I’m breathing the air, watching, enjoying the warm summer day, delighted as anyone else is. I don’t have to believe it’s wrong to want something wonderful. I don’t have to believe I’m selfish.

Since that time, I’ve learned so much about counteracting isolation. I’ve entered into group situations set up for honesty and true connection. Places that felt safe.

Places where I could question “I’m selfish” or “I’m wrong” or “I’m needy”.

Twelve step meetings, support groups, therapy groups, trainings, schools, workshops, meditation retreats, places where guidance and structure is given for participants.

My favorite!

I love being touched by the sharing human beings do in groups, the loving council shared, the wisdom.

I also love simply finding connection to myself most of all. Not needing anything more, not needing to be seen by anyone but myself. Being here, joyfully in silence at this very moment, as I type away in the dark night of an autumn northwest–only about 15 miles from that August day many years ago.

If it’s time to gather in genuine sharing and inquiry, which brings such honest clarity to any group, then there are many choices coming soon in the Pacific Northwest for gathering together:

  • October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. One room left onsite, with a hot tub and beautiful gardens for everyone.
  • December 6-9 a winter retreat in the winter woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning. Hotsprings pools, warm cozy cabins, delicious vegetarian organic meals, steam sauna, The Work mental cleansing.
If you anticipate any holiday groups with worry or dread, what an extra special time to gather now as we head into winter and the final quarter of this calendar year. You get to be with others, but mostly, with yourself.
We’re gathering openly and honestly with our own minds, our own thoughts, and learning to enjoy the company.
When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. 
When your vision has gone, no part of the world can find you. 
Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. 
There you can be sure you are not beyond love.  
The dark will be your home tonight.  
The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. 
You must learn one thing. 
The world was made to be free in. 
Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong. 
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.
~ David Whyte

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come.

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All It Takes To Be Happy

Next in-person event: spring retreat May 16-20 in northeast Seattle at a lovely ornate old house with a hot tub and lush, gorgeous grounds. We walk, we meditate, we hear wisdom poetry, we do a whole lot of The Work and the time together is life-changingly precious.

For information please visit here. Room for a few folks to stay at the retreat house, please email and ask grace@workwithgrace.com.

ALSO facebook live on LOVE for Valentine’s Day. 8:00 am Pacific Time February 14th. What are your stressful love thoughts? Reply back to this email to let me know. We’ll do The Work on Wednesday right here.

The other day, I heard myself talking with a dear friend who also does The Work a lot and has attended the School for The Work.

She had heard I was teaching a money course right now, after a month on money in Year of Inquiry that came first, so practically 3 months altogether of facilitating, noticing, walking with our groups through inquiry on money.

It means I’m doing The Work on money myself. I’m remembering, catching different thoughts, sharing different memories and situations. I adore hearing everyone’s stories, or sticking points, or questions, or confusion.

When the inquirers share out loud, whether in the money course or in Year of Inquiry….

….they’re communication naturally inspires others. People don’t feel so alone.

And we sure can feel alone when it comes to money.

Remember the friend I just mentioned I was speaking with? I heard myself say to her “I’ll never retire, I’ll be working until the end of my days trying to pay off my mortgage and make sure I leave something to my children, after screwing around not earning for most of my life until ten years ago.”

It was like all of the sudden my words and tone were full of self-pity and victimish sinking down into the floor.

Ugh.

It went there so fast. Ba-Bam. Hear a story, pick it up and apply it to me immediately. Feel defeated.

It was from the power of comparison. ALL OF IT. 

I heard she got a huge raise, she was about to make her final mortgage payment so her house loan was all 100% paid back, and SHE was retiring in two years.

What?

She’s so lucky. I’ll never do that. I should have started earlier and cared about money more. I’m a loser. She’s a winner. Plus, her house is triple the size of mine.

LOL. Sigh.

Is it true?

Yes. Did you hear what she said? Only 3 more mortgage payments and she’s DONE WITH HER LOAN FOREVER.

Can you absolutely know it’s true she’s lucky, and this good fortune is because her house will be paid off soon?

Haha. No.

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I suddenly see my luck to even have a loan and a house and an amazing life working from home doing The Work and sharing with people in the first place. Money flows here and there and everywhere without judgment.

The mind thinks, the mind compares…and I can never know it’s true, honestly. Before this friend told me her details, I was happy. So some words and images entering my head brought the future into my imagination, and my heart sank.

What a wild, magnificent, chaotic, strange thing…believing a thought is.

And it’s not even true.

How do I react when I believe she’s got it made, she’s good with money, I am not?

Scared. Depressed. Lots of pictures of being old and unable to work. Angry at other people who didn’t show me a better way (those parents, partners, meanie friends).

How do I treat money when I believe it’s piling up somewhere else in greater amounts than over here with me?

Gulp.

I’m jilted by it. It doesn’t like me. I’m angry, resentful. Money, you mean nasty conniving friend! You two-faced volatile one! You’re not even nice to me! Stupid money!

(I think I’m about six years old in how I react–or maybe like a jealous pre-teen who wants to date the guy SHE is dating, and is MAD about him not choosing ME).

But who would I be without this heavy, stressful, agonizing story? Without the belief she is lucky with money, she is better off, I’m not liked as much by money, I must have done something wrong?

Who would I be without the belief that money likes her better, like I’m not as likable, not as loved, not claimed, not so wanted?

Ooooh, this is exciting to wonder about!

Without the belief that more money means I’m better off, or safer, or claimed, or honored or favored or loved?

Wow.

Who would I be without that belief?

Noticing the amazing, astonishing abundance around me.

Kitchen lights, colors, red carpet with gold flowers, brown leather purse, laptop, wall calendar, bookshelf, silver ring with sea blue stone, fridge, lamp, silence, wallet with cash inside, four coats in my closet and one draped over the couch, beautiful sound of friend’s voice telling of her joy and hand-clapping, noticing the celebration of life whether money is around or not around, cowboy boot string lights through the living room window.

Without my story, I’m so open to my friend’s phone conversation. I’m excited with her. I hear a person who feels loved and relieved and happy. She’s showing me what it’s like to feel this wonderful way. I’m in the presence of joy.

Turning the thought around:

“I’ll always retire, I’ll be playing until the end of my days paying off my mortgage and adore giving so much to my children. I played just the perfect amount and DID earn most of my life before ten years ago (jeez, that’s true).”

How could the story I have lived with money support me with perfection…no other alternate way possible?

First of all, the reality of it is the way it has been. And in this moment, right now with inquiry, the reality becomes different than my complaint about it.

It’s been perfect with work and money, because I get to meet all these incredible people and have the most intimate and beautiful, holy, sacred, honest, touching conversations with them. We share the most powerful communication in life–the things that bring us to our knees.

It’s perfect with money because I can see nothing more is required in this moment, except inquiry. I get to discover the brilliance that money, or someone else giving it to me, or something being zero-ed out (like a loan for a house) is not required for my own deepest happiness.

Wouldn’t I want to find out that peace is possible without money, or any person, or anything needing to change…including myself?

Astonishing.

It’s unconditional love. Truly un-conditional. No requests. No demands. No adjustments. No hopes. No wishes. No thinking to money, or to any relationship or to any part of life or reality “if you change, then I will be happy”. 

Such freedom, such freedom.

“It takes only one person to have a happy marriage, and that one is you.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment, married to the silence, married to the news from my friend about her coming retirement (whatever that is), married to listening, married to money.

Married to reality.

Without my story….happy.

Much love,

Grace

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You need their love, praise, money, companionship, home cooking….are you sure?

It’s funny (sort of) how we humans tend to move towards things we think will benefit us, individually. Nothing wrong with it, but it can be very stressful if you think that without it, your life won’t be as good, or isn’t as good already.

I need or want “x”….and I’m sure I’d be better off with it. So I go a-hunting for it. I try to acquire it. I try to earn it. I bend over backwards for it.

Maybe I sacrifice for it.

Money. Relationship. Happiness. Security. Adventure. Enlightenment.

I’ve seen other people with the thing I want. But not me.

Relationships can be presented in this way. The belief for some is that it’s better to have one. When you get a good, close, committed love relationship….then you’ll be happy. You’ll be secure. You’ll have companionship. You’ll get things, like a house or status, or cash, or attention, or fun, or someone to talk to.

It’s such a strong desire for many people that matchmaking businesses make a lot of money connecting people. People just feel so very certain if they find someone and call them their special companion, move in together, get married….

….they will get what they want. Then they’ll be happy.

An inquirer once came to me to work on his beliefs about couples.

He wasn’t in a relationship. But he thought he should be. He really thought he needed a girlfriend. He had enlisted in many services to help him find a mate.

And yet, so far, he was single basically his entire life.

I asked him what he thought couples had, that he didn’t?

And since we were doing The Work, which is all about your real thoughts on the subject without editing, I asked him also what was the worst that could happen if he was in a primary relationship with another person and it didn’t go the way he liked?

So he thought about what he believed he would have, if he had a girlfriend (and then a wife) and he said he’d have sex, and someone better at cooking than him….so, meals. A welcoming kitchen. A companion for trips overseas.

Another time, I was working with a woman who had been married for ages. She felt bored and tired of her husband of 30 years. Uninvolved in his life, disconnected, uninterested, uncaring.

What made her NOT leave or move to South America where she longed to go? She also answered honestly, since we were doing The Work.

Money. Security. She didn’t have to work at a job as long as she remained married and didn’t disrupt the status quo.

What I see in what people bring to relationships, is extreme amounts of stress when they expect something in return for being in the relationship, or expect they owe something for being in the relationship.

I give you “x”, you give me “y”, we have a deal.

Problem is….humans aren’t that reliable.

Life itself isn’t that reliable, or known, can’t be planned, can’t be controlled, isn’t a trade agreement. It’s also not All About Me. Making sure “I” at least get some, even if everyone else doesn’t.

But let’s do The Work, and see where this goes. Nothing like inquiry to open up the awareness and the gate of understanding.

What do you believe a love relationship will give you? If you’re already in a committed relationship, what do you believe your relationship ensures?

You need that relationship in order to be: wealthy, free to not work, adventure, expand emotionally, feel loved, grow, be seen as cool, feel safe.

Is this true?

Be honest.

If you say “yes” see if it’s absolutely true for all time that you need that relationship in order to be ______ (fill in the blank).

How do you react when you believe you need a relationship in order to feel or get or be loved, rich, safe, honored, comfortable, enlightened, seen in a good light?

Oh man.

The man who came to do The Work was looking at this pay-off for having a relationship: sex, companionship, meals.

How he reacted was he dated many, many women and broke up with them if they didn’t like to cook or want to keep house. He paid for elaborate adventures and bought gifts for the ones who did. He constantly wished for the ideal woman. He felt critical and angry when someone he thought might be the “one” didn’t do it the way he preferred.

He treated himself like his own company wasn’t that great–and being with another was better. He always felt restless and frustrated. He said he felt resentful if the sex wasn’t right.

Who would you be without your story?

We do place so much on relationships. It’s in the love songs, and our language. We project feeling supported, loved, valued because of that other person’s actions, or what they say.

But who would we be without our story of relationship?

Sometimes, I’ve had the thought I’d be alone. It doesn’t mean that at all.

Without the stressful story of relationship meaning we’re loved, safe, secure, wealthy, compensated (and the story that without one it means we aren’t or we’re not)….

….I find I’m free to love unconditionally.

Truly resting in love. No deal-making. No trades. No focus on myself and how this is all about me and “my” relationship. No expectations. No hardness. No risks. No scarcity.

Without my story of relationship being necessary in order for me to feel safe, for example, I notice the joy of how much safety I’ve experienced whether in relationship, or not. I survived, so far. Someday I won’t.

And it won’t be because I wasn’t in a relationship (LOL). It will be because it’s my time to go. I’m not in charge.

The sweet inquirer who did The Work noticed that without his thought of needing a relationship for sex, companionship or meals….

….he could see how much he loved going to restaurants all the time, and all the servers he knew like friends. He could enjoy the company of many kinds of people, in wide variety. He loved his alone time and the simplicity of life without focus on anyone else. He paid for pornography that had no attachment. The trade was money. This felt really easy for him.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a relationship in order to be _______ (wealthy, safe, loved, comfortable, grow, etc).

Can you find advantages of not being in relationship, if you aren’t?

Can you find advantage for being IN relationship, if you are?

How exciting, thrilling and fun to explore whatever is here, and to appreciate it without expectations, demands, control, or neediness.

“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.

If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people. But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. The fact is that when I have my own approval, I’m happy, and I don’t need anyone else’s.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True? 

Turning the thought around again: I need a relationship with myself in order to be ______ (fill in the words you’ve been looking at). I need a relationship with my own thinking.

I’ve often thought about how this doesn’t mean I live in a bubble and never ask for a thing. Not at all.

If I’m thirsty, I go get some water or ask for it or buy it. But I don’t believe I need a special relationship to quench my thirst. I’m an adult, with an open mind. I can move to care for myself and all connect with all life, with ease.

I find when I am accepting of myself entirely, why would I ever “need” to receive compliments, money, companionship, love, growth, praise, nurturing, safety through any relationship. I’d have all these things available to me already through the whole world.

Exciting.

If you want to really work on relating and relationship in your life, and clean up your stressful thinking when it comes to what you think you need from someone else….come to Breitenbush in December. Watch here for the short invite my husband Jon and I made for you:

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Must be doing something right–the astonishing generosity of humans

One beautifully striking notion from Byron Katie that I’ve so loved and learned from, has been the idea that what’s happening, the words you hear or read, your encounters, the sounds, sights, voices, behaviors, events and places you find yourself in….

….are all for you.

For your awareness, reflection, learning, challenge, enlightenment.

How do you know it’s supposed to happen?

It does.

This takes us to sometimes very intense places and memories. Questions arise. But that hurt! I didn’t like it! I’m not OK now!

The Work usually begins by voyaging into these churning waters, maybe even going into a big storm that’s been very frightening to navigate for most of your life. We start by visiting what we do NOT like in the world, most of the time. Perhaps it’s even a trip to hell.

Yikes! It takes courage to begin The Work. It really does.

But one time, in the midst of a big audience with Byron Katie on the stage, I heard Katie speak to this idea of loving what is another way.

The flip side.

A woman standing with the microphone was frightened. Her voice was shivering, her hair gray, her eyes bright with many years of experience behind them. She was well along in years, her adult daughter sitting next to her, as well as other members of her extended family.

She was talking with Katie about her suspicion that people didn’t really love her, even if they said so. That she had a hard time taking in attention, care, or kindness. She brushed it off. Something about it was sort of….embarrassing, or worrisome.

What if, when you encounter something wonderful, when you hear beautiful words you love, when someone expresses appreciation, when you witness love in action, when something happens you enjoy….

….isn’t this also happening because it’s supposed to happen?

How do you know you’re supposed to hear it, read it, see it, feel it?

You do!

Could there be underlying thoughts buried within that prevent goodness, gentleness, or kindness from being noticed, or trusted, even when it looks favorable?

The elderly woman seemed to understand, more and more, that she may have been mistaken, as she and Katie spoke about love and receiving and trusting reality in every situation.

She realized if she had trouble with compliments and taking it all in, that this was not really personal, and she could question what she was believing about it, just the way difficult things happening in the world were also not personal.

And she could trust, if she questioned her thinking, that she was hearing what she needed to hear in that moment. Including “I love you” and “thank you so much” and “I’m very grateful to you” and “I’m glad you’re around.”

Some good questions to ask yourself, if you find you have some discomfort with attention, or gratitude, is to wonder….what do I think it means, that I’m hearing this? Do I believe I’m supposed to do something, or owe something? What’s uncomfortable about celebrating and receiving the love someone’s expressing? Or sharing how much I love someone or something?

Can you simply be with this joy?

When someone first sent me a donation about eight years ago, I received it in an envelope in the mail. $10. I checked my calendar. Did I miss something? This must be a mistake. I don’t think this was an outstanding bill. Then I saw an email sent separately, and it said simply “thank you for the work you do.”

A few months went by, and I received a paypal donation. $300. What is this? I looked around in my calendar again and wondered if I forgot about an invoice or something. The donor added a note “I love your writing, it makes such a difference to me.”

What I wrote wasn’t even called Grace Notes yet. Although someone shortly after that who was in one of my teleclasses said “send these examples of The Work that you write about out to the world and call them Grace Notes!”

OK. They were named. I didn’t name them myself.

Then a little time went by, and someone sent $20, a few more weeks or months, another person sent $10, then someone sent $100. Then someone sent $600! People I never met before in my life, sending little notes of appreciation and sums of money from time to time. Sometimes a long while in between, then here comes something again.

Last week I received two donations in one week, both in the old-fashioned regular mail.

One was from a woman who took the money teleclass this past year. She sent me a map of her hike with the trail highlighted in sparkly orange and fine purple pens, and a fabulous note written all around the edges and two crisp $20 bills.
“The world in front of me is only ever kind….I am enjoying your Grace Notes while on the trail.”

The other was an absolutely beautiful card with a check for $50 and such kind, thoughtful words.

You have no idea how much it means to me to receive these personal notes, this expression of appreciation (and I love how that word appreciation is used in financial terms, too). Sometimes, people have sent gorgeous sharing of their stories and appreciation without money and this is also brilliantly beautiful.

Somehow, it continues to show me where to move and how to move. Without readers, there would be nothing here, and I suppose that would be OK too.

Yet I see we share in all this together, and I am so deeply moved by your generosity, so thank you for being here. In whatever form you’re doing it. Seriously.

You are awesome.

I give you a deep bow, to your precious unique life, and the One Mind life we all seem to have that loves getting on board the peace train, together.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Although it does cost money and involve time and energy and “work”, Year of Inquiry is a deep investment in freedom for your mind and questioning stressful thoughts of so many kinds. Last year, several people in YOI suggested they’d like to create a scholarship fund to help current YOI members travel who had only signed up for the teleclasses but couldn’t get all the way to Seattle for the fall and spring retreats because of the expense. It was so generous. It is indeed an opportunity to receive, share, get connected, and watch the world as it supports you. I love the people who join. And by the way, two men are already signed up (these programs tend to be well attended by women). Join us! (Deadline to sign up is August 31st). Read about it here.

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When I Say Yes, When I Say No…..Love In Question

Love, attraction, romance.

It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!

Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.

One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.

Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.

Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.

So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?

The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?

The Work.

Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.

What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.

In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.

And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.

What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.

Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.

But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?

Wait….WHAT???!!!

I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.

I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.

In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.

Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?

How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?

It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.

Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?

WOWSER!

You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?

Yes.

Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.

Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.

Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.

Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?

“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.

I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.

But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.

The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.

Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.

I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.

Love is here now. And now.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.

Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.

Take the thoughts through the four questions.

Now that’s something to say YES to.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.

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We’re not changing, until YOU do.

Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.

  • Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
  • Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?

I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.

Almost jumping up and down actually.

There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.

One thought at a time.

The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?

The first step is identifying the problem.

It’s not so hard.

What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?

Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!

Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.

And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?

Yes.

A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.

(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!

I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.

I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).

The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.

This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.

WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.

But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.

In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.

So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.

Picture the situation.

For me, I’m reading an email.

Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?

Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.

(Little dramatization for you).

The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?

Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?

LOL.

Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.

How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?

Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.

I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.

So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?

There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.

What’s that like? How does it feel?

This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.

What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?

And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?

I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.

She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….

….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.

Him. Out.

Who would you be without your beliefs about others?

I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!

Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.

Wow, these are all just as true or truer.

He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).

I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!

Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.

I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.

How could it be otherwise?

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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What if the Worst Thing…Is the Best Thing that could have happened?

You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.

The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).

We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.

Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?

Great question.

I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.

The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.

What moment should you choose, you ask?

Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.

I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….

….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).

This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.

So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.

Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.

Oh no, not him again. Really?

So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.

Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.

Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)

I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.

And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.

What?

Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.

And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.

Oh man.

Dang it.

I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?

But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.

Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

OK. Fine.

So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.

I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.

I was shocked.

Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:

  • I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
  • I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
  • He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
  • In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
  • He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
  • I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.

OK then.

Sigh.

Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).

The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)

If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.

Let’s do The Work!

Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.

I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.

He sucked me into his life.

Is it true?

Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….

Answer the question.

He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?

No.

I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.

No one forced me to do it.

How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?

Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!

So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?

You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.

Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?

Oh. Hmmm.

I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.

Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.

There was no emergency.

Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.

Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.

Oh. Wow. Yikes.

How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.

I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.

I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.

I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.

“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji

I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.

Only, that’s not what really happened.

He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.

I told a story.

And it’s completely over right now.

I see what is. Thank you.

“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Fire and Purification, Love and Inquiry

Valentine’s Day TeleSession 2-4:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE. Password: WWGVALENTINE. Donations fantastic, so helpful & not required.

It doesn’t exactly feel beautiful when someone breaks up with you, when divorce proceedings are underway, when you have a fight with your beloved, when you find yourself complaining about the same thing endlessly in a relationship.

But what I love noticing, and so grateful for, is that if it ISN’T feeling so beautiful….

….The Work is beckoning.

Today, you can join me for an online mini-retreat in doing The Work on anywhere you notice in your life you feel not-so-beautiful, especially around relationships with others.

Don’t feel you must come do The Work on couples, romance, break-ups or love-gone-wrong (although those are all really amazing things to question). Come do The Work if you notice resentment, irritation, fear, loss, or worry about anyone in your life.

Concerns about love show up in many ways.

To join me click here. Come and go as you wish, no requirement to be there 2.5 hours.

Awhile ago, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a young woman who was upset about a man who didn’t love her as much as she loved him.

They had an off-again, on-again relationship.

He would return to town (he didn’t live in the same city), they’d spend 24 hours together making love, eating, sleeping, talking….

….then he’d leave for who knows how long and she’d try to act nonchalant and regroup.

But underneath, she felt abandoned and triggered by his going, and his absences, every time.

Why doesn’t he love me that way? Why doesn’t he want me to be his girlfriend all the time? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I have a relationship like my friend? Why doesn’t anyone, including this guy, want to marry me?

And then on top of all those kinds of thoughts, she’d also think “There’s something wrong with me, I am sooo clingy, I shouldn’t be needy, I’m ridiculous, relationships trap you anyway, I prefer independence, what am I doing here?”

It’s like she’d get stuck in a side-eddy of the river swirling around between “I suck” and “he sucks”.

Deep breath.

This is a good one for inquiry.

This relationship should be different than it is.

Find that one thing you notice you believe should be different. Whether in a long-term relationship and you’re so annoyed because he doesn’t do the dishes, or you’re going through a divorce and you believe you should be together, or you’re wanting more than you get from her in a relationship, or less.

Let’s do The Work.

In this situation, the relationship should be different. It should be that other, better way. Not THIS way.

Is that true?

Yes! This way is painful, boring, irritating, not serving me! It’s TRUE!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

The woman I was working with said “yes” she could absolutely know it was true she wanted more time, more commitment, more steadiness.

How do you react when you believe the relationship should be different than it is?

Angry. Depressed. Thinking I made a mistake. Yelling at myself that I should get over it. Furious with me. Furious with him. Sad. Begging. Trying everything to get it the way I want it.

So who would you be without your belief that this relationship should be different, that it should change in that situation for you to be happy?

Woah. But.

I can’t be happy with the relationship the way it is! I’d be ignoring my complaints! I couldn’t! I wouldn’t!

Slow down, though.

To not have this thought doesn’t mean you will never have the love you want, or the peace you crave. But in that situation, right when he doesn’t call back, or she forgot to meet you, or he left town again, or she was critical….

….Who would you be if you couldn’t have the belief it should be different, better, another way?

Wow. It drops a whole massive weighted layer of expectation and frees up other possibilities, at least for me. No one person needing to be any different, or do more than they do. No pushing, pulling, arguing with what is.

When I did this work with the young woman suffering from her un-committed relationship, she felt more of an unknown in that moment, without the thought.

She wasn’t very excited about other possibilities, especially other relationships, but she didn’t need to be. She simply noticed her own pretty apartment, her passion for her career, the way she sometimes would completely forget all people and get drawn into a project, the way her friends would come and go and she didn’t have the same feelings when THEY left (good to notice).

For me, I notice when I don’t think someone should be different, here I am taking a walk, doing The Work with people, buying groceries, going to yoga, vacuuming, teaching a class, writing….

….without any thought that something’s missing.

Even clients I work with should be exactly as they are, right in that moment in time.

Turning the thought around: this relationship should NOT be different than it is. It should be exactly like this. How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, it’s teaching me about deep attachment, expectations, demands I have inside that someone else should change so that I feel more happy, or comfortable.

I want to be the one to notice, and accept, and change, and move where I’m drawn….without enormous suffering or dreadful sorrow.

Another turnaround: My relationship with myself (in that situation with that other person) should be different. I should be more committed to myself, I should connect with me, I should express my preferences, I should do the things I like to do.

I could do all this by myself, or with this other person! I can ask for what I want, and hear without resentment if the answer is no from the other.

And finally, I should be different with this other person. If I want them to be more committed, could I be more committed, connected and clear with them? If I want them to be less clingy, could I be less clingy, demanding or needy with them? If I want them to quit “x” can I quit doing “x” with my thoughts about them?

This never means you should put up with something, or that you should twist yourself into a pretzel, or withhold information or the truth, or work even harder.

I love that it simply brings freedom if you are not arguing with reality, and wishing for something Other Than What Is.

As I look around the room in that situation I was questioning where that other person was doing it differently than I thought I wanted….

….I notice how much I love that room, the air, the lights, the distant sounds, the colors, the feelings, the quiet stillness, my heart beating.

I know the universe and reality has it handled far better than I could ever handle it. I can trust what’s going on, instead of fight it.

And if there’s a fight….The Work.

“Humility is our natural response to seeing what’s true about ourselves. When we judge others and question that judgment, then turn it around to ourselves, that is the fire and the purification. Our knees buckle, and we learn how sweet it is to lose–how that is the winning. That’s what The Work is about. Some people call it forgiveness. I call it sanity.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 221.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The universe has got this

Work With Grace
“I got this” says the Universe.

One of my best friends, several years ago, left me a voicemail.

She was in a waiting room before going to the chiropractor, looking at a magazine.

She opened it to an article that read “the three sexiest words a man can ever say to a woman….”

I waited with baited breath.

What are the words?

Tell me!

“I Got This.”

I took this in.

Almost immediately, within less than two seconds, I had a picture in my mind of someone like James Bond, or Jason Bourne, or Dwayne Johnson standing next to me and saying it.

“Dang….that’s true,” I thought, seeing the image.

And guess where some voice in my mind went next?

“I’ve never heard this before! I’m missing out! I need to hear this!”

My husband isn’t superman, my previous boyfriends weren’t wealthy movie stars….where is the I-Got-This sexy man?!?!

Instant imagination coming to life, noticing what’s missing.

Isn’t this funny?

And sometimes, not so funny when you feel really sure you’re missing out in a relationship.

I work with people all the time on this kind of belief when it comes to partnership, romance, love, attraction.

They’re missing something. There’s a greener pasture somewhere else (where a man is saying the sexiest three words, for example). Their true mate isn’t here. They’re lonely.

Oh, and on top of this, they should love being by themselves, rather than wanting a partner.

You can’t win!

But let’s look, with inquiry.

There’s an amazing 3-word-speaking perfect partner out there, and I need him.

Is that true?

LOL. No.

But don’t find your answer too fast….really contemplate and answer the question. Take your time.

How do you react when you believe you need that imaginary partner who’s out there somewhere?

Frustrated. Comparing my current partner with the ideal version (which doesn’t exist, I notice, except in the movies or my imagination). Dreaming of what life would be like if a man said “I got this” and handled an entire stressful situation….like all the money, all the household broken items, building stuff, working on the car, making big business deals, keeping out bad guys, identifying con men, managing the territory.

I know, I know. This is a super hetero-disney version of conditioning about men.

You find your own ideal mate, though, whatever this person looks or acts like. They are brilliant, affirming, supportive, sexy, awesome. Your ideal. Over there.

Not here.

So who would you be without this story?

Who would you be without the belief you want the guy who says those three words!

Who would you be without the thought your perfect mate is not around, and you need them to be. You need to be “in” a partnership, and it’s not the one you’re in?

This does NOT mean you SHOULD stay with the partner you’re already with. It doesn’t ever mean that. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue an interesting partner. If it’s fun, then how fabulous is that?

This work is about identifying the pieces that are stressful, the beliefs you feel enraged about, or like you’re a victim and it’s not fair and you never get the good stuff.

Who would you be without this story?

Free to come and go, choose and not choose, love and be loved, move over there, return back here, be delighted with, laugh, enjoy, play, celebrate, do things with and then without, feel thrilled with your own company.

Nothing missing.

Everything moving, unfolding, morphing, changing.

Turning the thought around….

I am NOT missing out. I am hearing, feeling, noticing “I Got This!” constantly.

It’s called the Universe/Source/Reality/Love/Life.

Reality, the universe, has got this.

Oh. Right.

People come and go, but reality ALWAYS has this. Can I see and feel the support of the entire world, without feeling like anything is missing? Without pining for what is not? Without thinking what IS here is not enough?

Wow.

Another turnaround: I’ve got this. Me. I am the great supporter and lover of myself. My own amazing super-hero partnership of this apparently individual person here in this life, now. I am connected to all that is, and a part of it, and it’s all handled.

Nothing I can do about it.

“Everything is set up here for your freedom. Everything is here to serve self-realization. When you need a partner, if you need a partner, you’ll have one. And for now, you have a partner. (Pointing to her own head). You can’t get away from this (mind). We don’t have people-partners….we have this (mind)…..

….Once we know what love is in ourselves, it’s immovable. ‘I love’. It’s yours. Who is one loving? You are. When someone says ‘i love you Katie’ I am so happy for them.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie Retreat

You are the one you’ve been waiting for, silence is the one you’ve been waiting for, life is the one you’ve been waiting for. No waiting required.

Now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The sixth month in Year of Inquiry is about romantic love. No matter when it’s happened, no matter what you’ve experienced, anything left un-finished or un-resolved. It’s such a big topic, right? That’s why we spend a month on it. Registration closes August 31st at midnight for doing the work for an entire year with a small group. We’re finding out how the universe…..has got this.