How do you live your turnarounds?

Iloveme
they love me, I love me, I love them living the turnarounds is….exciting

In the past several years, doing The Work regularly, I’ve become super interested in the Living Turnarounds.

You might wonder what I’m talking about?

When we do The Work….the four questions, followed by finding turnarounds, or opposites, to the concepts we’re questioning….

….we often find turnarounds that “clunk” (as one lovely participant put it in the spring retreat this past weekend).

It’s like the turnaround makes you take palm and hit forehead.

For example: I once did The Work (many times in fact) on a very dear friend who reacted abruptly to something she thought I did that wasn’t accurate.

While the thing she reacted to wasn’t actually true….I still deeply investigated “she doesn’t care about me” because of what happened.

When I said out loud the first turnaround I saw clearly “I didn’t care about her” I sat for a few minutes thinking, nope, I definitely cared very much about her!

But I knew to keep sitting with it, and find even the smallest example, to open up my mind (for my own benefit, not because I “should”).

As I waited, I began to realize; Oh. I listened to her talk on the phone for long periods of time without saying “I need to hang up now” and secretly resenting the length of time I was in the conversation. I never told her I don’t like to hang out in bars or buy exotic drinks. I was occasionally jealous of her fortune, and the fact she didn’t have to work for a living.

I didn’t exactly have kind, compassionate, loving thoughts towards her at all times. I wasn’t honest. I judged her and never brought up my irritations–which in real friendship is hard, but deeply valuable and connecting when you can sort through it.

These were all ways I didn’t care. I secretly harbored many unpleasant thoughts about her.

Dang. I was not truly caring about the friendship, not really steppin’ up to an honest, genuine connection. And I had been doing it a long time, maybe most of the so-called friendship.

Another turnaround I found in my work on that friend was of course “I didn’t care about myself”.

Again palm to forehead.

Clunk.

Why didn’t I speak up for what I really wanted, or say NO if I didn’t want to go to that loud, brightly-lit bar or to spend precious money on fancy hors d’oeuvres?!

Which brings me back to this experience of looking closely at the Living Turnarounds.

If I lived my life, actually caring for myself, or feeling the way she DID care for me instead of being so sure she didn’t….

….what would it look like?

I began to notice when I didn’t say “no” or speak up. I began to include my own desires and wants and preferences in activities, with respect and love for myself (whatever this ‘self’ was).

Instead of ignoring when I wanted to say “no” to an invitation in order to be pleasing to someone else and not shake any feathers, I said “no”. I started feeling a sense of trust for myself, like I would take care of me without guilt, without hurting anyone else, without pretending anything.

Instead of believing someone didn’t care about me, I realized they might care enormously. I felt the sense of them caring. It was warm, kind….even somehow recognizable.

Of course they care. How very dear, tender and loving they are. Even if they seem confused or do things I learned were supposed to mean “they don’t care”….

….I could imagine the turnaround. I could feel how it was just a possible, even more probable, that they DID care (even my old friend)!

Slowly I lived the turnaround. And it grew bigger.

It’s been a little here, a little there. Speaking up just a little more, and a little more. Sharing my inner heart. Noticing when I haven’t responded to a request quite right and saying something then. Or maybe I have a question for someone in order to understand what my own answer is. Or I decide to spend time with someone face-to-face so we’re on the same page and learn about each other.

There hasn’t been a major turning point, as I’ve lived this new turnaround of caring about myself, caring about others, feeling the care people have for me, and trusting there’s a wonderful solution that works (if there’s a conflict) however long it takes.

This Living Turnaround is nothing super dramatic. I don’t have a story to share like “one day I said NO and everyone dropped their jaw in shock and from that point forward, I was the president of the United States”.

Ha ha!

But little by little, as this turnaround has come alive, whatever I am appears to be much more honest, speaking the truth when I know it, honoring whatever’s true inside me with loving kindness.

“Realization has no value until it’s lived.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to move closer into living your turnarounds, the ones that “clunk” (feel true and right for you) then spend a little time feeling in your body what they might be like, each day.

Ask yourself what you would do, how you would walk, how you would talk, what you would say, how you would live, if this turnaround were just as true or truer, than your original stressful belief.

The best news of all?

You don’t even have to believe it 100%.

Everyone and everything cares about me. I care for every part of myself. I care for everyone and everything.

What would it be like, today, to live this turnaround and act like it was true?

Pretty awesome.

Much love,

Grace

Being Completely Loved Doesn’t Depend on Him/Her

LoveStories2-2016Of the Top Ten Suffering Hits….

….you know, the experiences we humans have that take us to our knees in pain….

….Love is up there.

Romantic love, coupled love, commitment, jealousy, rebellion, anger.

So many times people have come to work with me because of love-gone-wrong.

If it’s not a break up or divorce, then it’s extreme irritation with the one you’re actually with, whether dating them or living with them for 30 years.

Our partners offer tremendous opportunity to look and feel, and question what we believe is real.

And I mean whatever partner you have.

Whether you dated them twice, or hung out with them for most of your life.

And all these experiences with partners (I know some of us have many)?

They can sometimes add up to Big Global Statements about Love.

People say things like the following (I probably have said them all myself at some point):

  • marriage is completely ridiculous, a business deal for asset sharing
  • partners are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
  • romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and I must find them at every available opportunity
  • staying in one relationship is super boring
  • staying in one relationship is impossible
  • staying in one relationship is heaven
  • when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure hell
  • long-term relationships are an achievement
It’s awesome to say whatever you say about relationships….
….it’s what you’re feeling and observing in any given moment in time.
But when it causes doubt, a feeling of betrayal, disappointment, or rage….
….you might want to take a good look with inquiry.
Is what you’re thinking really true?
Is it true all the time?
Are you sure what you think means what you think it means?
Do you really need to “x” (leave, stay, get married, find a partner)?
Before you rush in with your answer, I love doing The Work first.
The mind goes all over the map. It can actually oppose itself, depending on what you’re looking at.
Today, it sucks you’re stuck in a marriage. Tomorrow, it sucks he left you.
Who would you really be, in this moment right now, without your thoughts about couples, or romantic love (the ones that hurt–keep the good ones)?
Who would you be right now without the belief that other people should agree with you and hold the same beliefs, otherwise….
Otherwise….what?
Who would you be without the belief that there is danger anywhere, lurking in the background, ready to pounce when it comes to love, falling in love, romance, sex, attraction, wanting, desire, playing, leaving and staying?
Well.
I don’t know about you, but at first…..
….I could hardly find it.
There are so many thoughts about what is right and what is wrong, and so much suffering.
Not long ago, someone close to me confessed his desire to divorce his wife of over 20 years.
He already had another lover.
Many people would think in our culture based on the “rules” that this is bad, bad, bad.
He should have waited to move towards someone else.
But the outcome…..is the SAME.
There is movement outward, to a new life, to a new experience.
Who would you be without the thought people shouldn’t move on to new relationships? In whatever way it takes?
How do you know it’s not a good thing, ultimately?
One of the best things that ever happened to me in my life was my former husband deciding to leave the marriage.
He never left me as a friend and someone connected deeply. We still spend every holiday together with our kids and our new partners. He is a very sweet man, and I’m pretty sure both of us are entirely clear about what an amazing, brave move he made ten years ago to part ways.
It did take me to my knees.
And that….in turn….
….took me to myself in a way I had always dreamed of but never knew I could reach.
The freedom I feel in the center of learning not to be against what happened, or happens, in relationship….
….is truly awe-inspiring.
Your turnarounds could look like this, and you might bust out laughing at the brilliance of it all.
  • marriage is in the mind and doesn’t really matter, it’s whatever you make it
  • partners dismantling your relationship are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
  • romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and there is no need to hunt for them….this moment is glorious with myself
  • staying in one relationship is super exciting
  • staying in one relationship is possible
  • staying in one relationship is heaven (the one with YOU)
  • when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure heaven
  • long-term relationships are equal to short-term, there is no “achievement” when it comes to love

If you’re not too sure about any of this, come join me to investigate love relationships that feel weird, stressful, uncertain, dangerous or unsatisfying.

Friday afternoon we’re gonna have a love-investigation fest. Three hours 2-5 pm Pacific Time.
Click HERE to register.

When you investigate, I find you make the most genius moves and choices. You roll with what is presented. You don’t need to control what can’t be controlled anymore.

What a relief.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie Newsletter Valentine’s Day 2009

Much love, Grace

Who is truly hurt here?

LOVEletters
Join me for an online date Friday February 12th…questioning love stories

I get a lot of emails these days.

(Don’t we all).

And I’ve received many lately from people with powerful concerns about the implications of Loving What Is.

Especially when we hear about terrible suffering.

What if “what is”…..

…..is absolutely horribly devastating?

Maybe it’s in the past and not happening now, but you clearly have the memories. They still haunt you.

When you see the visions of what occurred, you want to run for your life! You want to stop thinking about them. You feel nauseated.

As I began to do The Work after I first read Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, I really sensed the power of self-inquiry. I knew I was perceiving many situations as stressful, to say the least.

I got that this work is about the relief I could experience by realizing I don’t always know what’s 100% true. Hardly ever.

But I saw some circumstances in the world as so brutal and awful it was hard to even think about them at all. No one could ever “love what is” in those situations….ever, ever.

Right?

Even to think someone could, I had the thought that person was nuts. In denial. Wrong. Lacking compassion.

But as I practiced The Work over time, I grew aware that I put some events and situations in a special category.

The category of SICK, BAD, FOREVER WRONG.

Those things we won’t touch.

Sometimes, it’s not possible to love what is. Not for those terrible things, it just isn’t.

But one day, for some strange reason, after doing The Work for awhile on people who I found annoying, and situations I found personally difficult…..

…..I wanted to investigate on a grander scale.

Something inside me knew that if I refused to ever look at these destructive situations, these frightening events, the things I heard about happening to other people that made me feel horror…..

…..I would never truly “get” entirely “loving what is”.

Last weekend Byron Katie was in Seattle, as many of you know, and she spent the day with 750 people, including me.

An incredibly brave woman went up to the stage and sat with Katie in front of all the people in the room and read her worksheet, and then did her work, on surviving sexual violence and abuse during childhood.

After her session with Katie was over, someone stood up in the balcony and shouted, “I can’t take this! It is so wrong! There are some things that are simply unforgivable!”

This equally courageous woman in the balcony had a microphone handed to her, and she shared with us all how she was shaking and feeling horrified.

How it could ever be OK for someone to go through the abusive experience the woman on stage had just described? She was almost in tears.

I think she spoke for many people right there in the room.

She spoke for many people in the world.

She spoke for me, exactly as I had seen it ten years ago while I contemplated all the terrible things humans do to one another. The violence, war, hatred, prejudice, abuse, condemnation, bombs, beatings, rape.

It’s happening right now in the world, in many places.

How could this be acceptable, this story we just heard of dark, dreadful abuse perpetrated by an adult against a child?

How could we be open to loving what is, are you f&%ing kidding me??!

But watch what the mind is doing.

It’s screaming No, No, No, No, No!

It is so terrified, it curls up in a little ball and wants to disappear. It rages against what is.

We think “loving what is” means we are totally OK with what happened.

But that’s not what Byron Katie or The Work is suggesting.

Ever.

What I’ve found by questioning my thinking and my troubling stories to be, is a doorway into Peace Beyond Beliefs.

I don’t have to defend, I don’t have to “know” what’s right or wrong.

I already know what feels right or wrong, it’s in my very being at the core. I feel the love that is holy, untouched, beautiful and available to everyone. I feel the hatred and tightness and terror the mind can conjure up, the desperation and emptiness.

As I looked in my own life at these difficult situations experienced by humanity, I’ve seen that the perpetrators are also suffering every single time there is abuse and violence.

The haters are not having a good time. The haters are not excited and happy about life. They do not feel a trust of the world and reality.

They also feel small, unimportant, powerless, left behind, hurt, forgotten, damaged, desperate.

Byron Katie famously suggests “defense is the first act of war.”

I looked.

What I see is when I hate someone, or I hate a situation….I hate God, I hate Reality, I hate my circumstances, I hate Those People, I hate All This.

Is this hatred…..all that is, in these horrible situations?

Is it the Truth?

I’m not saying the terrible thing didn’t happen.

I’m just saying I noticed in this mental world of duality, the mind put those experiences and situations and people in the category of WRONG. They were in the category of un-save-able. They were in the category of evil and hell.

How do you react when there’s a dark place in the universe you need to stay away from? That place you KNOW is bad, wrong, sick, evil and terrible?

I spend time making sure I’m defended against “it”.

I’m relying on my own personal thinking to warn me. I’m trusting a small little corner of thought, not the big grand picture. I’m forgetting about love. I’m unaware of the power of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and rebirth to be possible IN ALL THINGS.

How do you react when you think love can’t help THAT situation (the evil one)?

Horrified. Terrified. Acquiring weapons and arms and building up a fortress of defense. Protecting myself.

Acting like I know better than God.

I know what’s wrong….and God made a mistake by “allowing” this terrible thing to happen.

Who would you be without the belief that you know best? Better than Reality or God or Life?

All I know is, I find a sense of bizarre rest within, where I don’t know why or wherefore or what or how these events and circumstances exist in the human condition…..

…..and I see the suffering very acutely…..

…..but I feel how I am safe right now, I am surrendered to What Is in this moment, I am already accepting what is.

I don’t want to put anyone to death or force anyone into hell.

That’s not my job.

Even if my mind has taken that on, as if it IS my job.

Without the belief that I can’t overcome what appears awful, I actually turn and face the perpetrator. I stay in the room. I become fearless. I wait.

I surrender.

I let Life (God) handle the overwhelming situation.

Meanwhile, I begin to find actual rebirth that comes out of the ashes of violence.

I learn about all the awesome things that come out of terrible things…..

…..and what people discover when they question their need to dictate what is evil and what is not.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is.” ~ Byron Katie

Let peace begin with me.

That way, I know it will happen.

I don’t have to wait anymore.

You can love what is.

Look around you.

Even though terrible things happened….are they happening right now?

Except for your thinking, it’s over.

Stop being the perpetrator of your own suffering.

Question it.

“Who would you rather be–Jesus, who knew who he really was and recognized deep acceptance in his own experience, or his torturers, ignorant of their true nature, totally identified as false images, and deeply at war with themselves? Who would you rather be, the perpetrator or the victim? And who is the real victim–the one who hurts others because of deeply unaccepted pain or the one who experiences pain but knows who he really is within that experience? Who is truly hurt here?” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Do you feel hurt, or at odds, with Couple-Ness? Whether you’re single or partnered or alternating between both….come question your stressful thoughts about romantic love. Online Love Marathon in preparation for VALENTINE’S Day! Friday February 12th. Join for a 3 hour Live Inquiry Session on LOVE Relationships. Question your thinking, enjoy Valentine’s Day. Click HERE to register and join.

Bring the truth home about love–The Cleanse day #3

the freedom of questioning love….it grows

On a third day anywhere new, most people begin to feel more at home.

The basics are handled.

If I’m staying someplace for 3 days, by then I know where the bathrooms are, the closest places to get food or water, the quiet areas, where I can run or walk or exercise, what the neighborhood is like where I’m staying.

Being at the Cleanse, I’ve also found that my own mind after three days listening to The Work relaxes, opens, becomes comfortable with unraveling itself.

Willing to slow down, to stop.

To love what is.

Yesterday we heard from a woman whose daughter was murdered, a man who believed his wife kicks him when he’s down, and an incredible restaurant owner who has felt agony because of factory farms for meat, GMOs and corporations.

Another woman also investigated the belief that her son hates school, and a daughter did The Work on her needy elderly mother.

In the middle of all this powerful inquiry….

….Katie gave us all an exercise.

Do a positive worksheet, rather than the customary “negative” worksheet where you capture negative and stressful thoughts about a situation on paper.

Wow, how fascinating!

I have found, over the years, that ultimately what self-inquiry offers is the freedom to question all thought. Even thoughts that seem positive.

Anything the mind perceives can be questioned. It’s a more fluid, wild, magical world this way.

But I had never done Katie’s exercise.

She guided everyone through:

Remember a moment in time when you felt love for someone.

You said “I love you”.

Picture that moment vividly.

I pictured a sweet moment with my daughter. I saw images flashing through of my husband, my son, my mom, my sisters, my friends.

I tell a lot of people I love them. I feel my heart surge and I am deeply touched. I also hear “I love you” from a lot of people, too.

I felt no stress with thinking of this kind of moment, at least that’s what I thought initially.

But I love that Katie made the suggestion. She wanted us to consider the freedom of not having to know what’s going on, or to label something “love”.

The idea of love certainly does seem to cause a lot of turmoil in peoples’ lives. I felt very willing to go along with the exercise.

So….let’s take a closer look right now.

Is it true that you loved that person?

Simply notice. If you said “yes” can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you sure you loved that person?

It’s totally OK to still say “yes”.

I found as I sat slowly with the inquiry…..I’m not even sure. Do I even know what love is? How do I know to say it? Why do I say it to some people, and not others? What is it I have to know about someone, or feel about them, in order to say it?

How do you react when you believe “I love you!”

People called out from the audience how they reacted. They said what they pictured, what they hoped for, what they expected, what they dreamed of when they said “I love you”.

Maybe you want to hear “I love you” back. Maybe you’re expressing your pleasure and approval of that person. Maybe you’re hoping this moment will last forever. Maybe you want that person to know they are loved, so they feel good (and you feel good).

Amazing to consider what love actually means.

Huh.

Imagine not knowing exactly what “love” is?

I suddenly became aware of love being a deep warmth, an energy, something present all the time, with everyone, and everything….and inexplicable. Not definable. Mysterious. Not attached to specific people.

Woah.

Wow.

So who would you be without the belief “I love you” in that situation?

People called out from the audience again.

Free. Expansive. Full of joy.  Not obligated. No expectations. Satisfied. Grounded.

At peace.

Turning the thought around: I love myself. I do not love you. I love everyone. I love. I.

 

For some reason, this was the way my turnarounds unfolded.

 

I considered them all, wondering about them, saying them out loud. Finding examples of them. Feeling how they could be just as true, or truer, in this world of duality.

It’s been very true that I don’t love you when you say something mean or frightening, or act crazy or troubling. I don’t love you when you leave me. I don’t love you when you criticize me. I don’t love you when I feel pain in our relationship.

Was it really love, then?

It had conditions….is that love?

“Personalities don’t love-they want something.” ~ Byron Katie

Katie’s said it before, but she said it again yesterday during the exercise.

Turning it around again: I love myself, in that situation when I say I love you to someone.

I’m always supporting (or trying to) what’s best for me, and my relationship to the universe, and this is all I can do really.

Everywhere I go, I’m there. I’m always there!

I am my best companion–there’s nothing I can actually do about it!

Another turnaround: I love everyone. I love life. I love humanity. I love this incredible world, this astonishing journey.

And then….there is no “you” and no “me” and no specific thing called “love” that is special in only that moment with me being the one doing it and saying it’s true.

Love is.

Everywhere. Any time.

With everyone.

And when it’s not….The Work.

“Bring the truth home to yourself and begin to set yourself free. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

Cut your heart out without anesthesia

an ouchy story, worth questioning---are you sure it's true?
an ouchy story, worth questioning—are you sure it’s true?

The other day the Year of Inquiry group had a powerful investigation of primary love relationships.

The kind where people choose to commit, marry, move in together, share resources.

The initial idea offered up for inquiry, so very stressful:

Relationships hurt.

I love the way Big General Ideas can lead to powerful deep contemplation on your own personal belief-system.

That’s why I always have a “topic” in Year of Inquiry.

Because, if you’re not sure where to begin around what bothers you i in your life, you can often find Big General Situations you find distressing, uncomfortable, or horrifying.

They’re happening right now, in the news, right?

So the other day, we were looking at relationships in general.

Have you ever thought “this relationship is so painful”.

About ANY relationship you’ve had in your life?

You’d almost be strange if you didn’t have that thought.

The mind LOVES generalizations.

It loves to have one experience….THAT relationship….and begin to find proof of all the other relationships that also hurt.

Like Romeo and Juliet for example. They sure were screwed up in a tragedy of errors, weren’t they?

(See how we can get started on that story over there, not the one right here, in our own heart?)

Thoughts will start floating through, or zapping at you like lightening bolts.

  • All love relationships suck.
  • Love stories are all fairy tales.
  • Those who get married never stay together (and people should stay together).
  • All teenagers are hard to live with.
  • In-laws are torturous.
  • Mothers are HUGELY stressful. They influence us so greatly. So do dad’s (if they were around….they should have been by the way).
  • Friends betray you. Or don’t have enough time. Can only do so much.
  • Bosses are so often difficult, and co-workers, because you HAVE to deal with them daily in order to go to your job, which you depend on to survive.
  • Siblings compete with you. They’ll ditch you in a second.

I could go on.

Do you see how everything I just wrote, having to do with relating to others, has a big wide grand all-time statement in it about life with other people?

Mind loves this kind of general prejudice.

Here’s what I’ve noticed within myself:

Something happens where I felt pain. My heart broke. I felt grief, agony, sadness, loss. I felt frustration, anger. Maybe I couldn’t ask for what I wanted, or get it. Maybe I felt the desperation of someone I cared about going downhill, fast. Maybe I couldn’t get my basic needs met, for example, as a kid…..or right now, in my current life.

But then my mind tries to gather it all together and make a conclusion.

My thinking (always a few beats AFTER the experience has already happened) makes an observation, then holds it up against other situations that are almost exactly the same (or close) and says….

….You need to stay away from “x” (person’s name).

Then just to be safe, the mind also says to not only stay away from that person who hurt you, but also ALL OTHER PEOPLE LIKE them.

So you can be prepared.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being prepared….but you already ARE prepared, and you didn’t even ask for it.

It just happened that way.

You experienced what you did, by humans bumping up into each other, and you got prepared by being thrown in the pool. Your heart was broken. The people who reared you were in huge pain and suffering and knew no other way themselves.

Your thoughts will say….

Must. Be. Very. Careful.

And then if you even smell a whiff of that “kind” of person again, you’re outta here!

That “kind of person” who hurt you in the past, this is what they are like and I know it:

They have no regard for others…..yeah, that’s right! They vote Republican. Or Democrat. They have long hair. They smoke. They go to that kind of place on Sundays. They live in this kind of area. They dress in those kinds of clothes. They go to this kind of school. They say these kinds of words.

But the thing is….

….if you keep your thoughts hugely general like this, you won’t really ever get to the inner inquiry. Or it will be trickier potentially.

Nothing’s impossible, but you may want to follow the simple directions and slow what you’re picturing way, way, way down and look at just one thing that’s frightening you very closely.

So you ponder what troubles you about humanity, about human relationships.

So you derail the GENERAL category movement that the mind loves so much.

“The mind loves general…it doesn’t have to land.” ~ Byron Katie at 2008 – 2009 New Year’s Cleanse.

So consider as you narrow down your list of proof for why those relationships hurt….

….the relationships who have hurt YOU.

Just you.

Those are the ones you want to focus on.

If you have someone in your life who is suffering, and it makes you super crazy nervous because it seems like they’re going down in flames….

….where have YOU gone down in flames?

What makes you so nervous about that person being that way?

What are you trying to avoid?

What is it you never want to go through again?

That friend who is going through divorce? Why does it really bother you? What’s the worst that could happen…..for YOU?

Or that brother who is in a new relationship that in your opinion is lousy?

Why? What’s the actual problem, for you personally?

Picture your worst case scenario.

Picture it, for your own sake.

Get specific.

This is YOUR life and YOUR inquiry we’re talking about, not someone else’s.

Instead of generalizing all over the canyons and valleys and spouting off what would be best for other people, notice what fear is sparked inside of you, what you’re afraid of, when you see something you fear.

Then….you’re on to your own story.

Which is the one that counts.

Today, as you consider what you don’t like about other peoples’ experience out there…..

…..let yourself see why not.

Then you can really truly inquire in a way that makes a difference, for you.

And when you do THAT….

….wow.

Look out.

“At first, inquiry may seem more than you can handle; you may feel as if it is cutting your heart open without anesthesia….You are still identifying as a you, and you begin to see that you yourself are all the people you found unkind, brutal, stupid, crazy, greedy, despicable, and this is so painful that sometimes you don’t think you can bear it. As it keeps inquiring, the mind continues to understand that it is its only enemy and that the world is entirely its projection, that it is alone, that there is no other, and that this is absolute.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy pg. 233

Keep going.

It is not more than you can handle, to feel and see the terrible situations “out there”.

They are a part of you, of us.

Find your enemy. Question it.

You can bear it. You can.

Much love, Grace

When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

youarelove
love surrounds you, is you

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.
But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.
That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.
The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.
This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.
It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

 

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

 

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

 

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

 

Just saying.
Much Love, Grace

What if Love is Not What You Think?

what if love is not what you think?
what if love is not what you think?

“The course of true love never did run smooth.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.

To be wise and love exceeds man’s might!”

These are all comments written by the famous Shakespeare.

Love is not exactly given a good rap.

Love….never smooth, blind, unclear, sad, and unwise.

One of the great dilemmas people come to inquiry with, in solo sessions with me because often they feel so guilty and ashamed they don’t want anyone else to hear about it, is if they should stay or go in their committed love relationship.

It’s like torture.

Come, go, quit, stay, leave, arrive, enter, exit, approach, depart, divorce, stay married, break up, renew.

It’ll drive anyone insane if you think you should make a decision.

So that concept itself is a great one to question (search “decision” in other Grace Notes for inquiry about making a decision).

But if you’re torn, and you want more focus and light on your experience….

….start with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on all the stuff you dislike, resent, feel disappointed about or feel bored by when it comes to your partner.

Judge the heck outta them.

Don’t hold back. Let it rip.

Do The Work on all the concepts. Explore it deeply.

THEN….

….you may be at a new open level.

You don’t feel stung, or like a victim, or enraged. The emotional intensity is softened, you’ve relaxed your attack significantly.

You notice it’s very peaceful to not want that person to be different than they actually are.

And it’s impossible anyway.

But you realize….it’s not actually this person you’ve made a commitment to, who you spend time or a home with, that’s the problem.

You’re facing something much bigger than you thought before.

You’re facing your beliefs about love and what it’s supposed to give you in your life. You’ve believed, maybe, that you’ll only have love if you’re technically “with” another human being.

You’re facing your beliefs about being alone.

And THIS is what really frightens you.

Oh, and hurting your partner’s feelings. Can’t forget that.

It causes great anxiety and sorrow.

But who would you be without the belief you’ll hurt someone when you say goodbye?

Who would you be without the thought that when you cause someone to cry, you should be punished, or you’re doing it wrong?

Who would you be without the belief that love means sacrifice, or love means holding back and staying together even if you want to fly, or that love means you can’t do what you truly want?

Who would you be without the belief that being alone sucks and does not involve the feeling of love?

What if you came from another planet and you were raised with the notion that mating, parting, togetherness, and being alone all have beautiful benefits and you are free to move in and out of these states as long as you live?

I notice, I already do move in and out of these states of mind, even though technically I’m “married”.

There is very little neediness, or grabbish energy, or expecting things. This is also a second marriage for both of us and it is very, very different from what we once believed about partnership and marriage.

But we have both inquired very, very thoroughly about what love is, what love is supposed to “do” for you, and found that it can be present whether you’re in relationship or out of relationship.

What if you knew you were completely and entirely safe, no matter what you pick or which way you move?

Recently I facilitated a sincere inquirer on the dread she felt about breaking up with her boyfriend.

She hated the way he was with money, she disliked his gambling, she wasn’t comfortable with his drinking, she wasn’t all that excited about his relationship with her son….

….but she was scared to “have to” start dating again.

What if it was the best thing in the whole world to date?!

Her assignment was….finding real, genuine, honest, authentic examples of turnarounds for being single, and dating.

This was a whole new world for her to imagine the joy of having someplace to yourself, being alone, taking yourself out to a movie, joining friends, connecting with groups, speaking freely, inviting others, having a blast and following her deepest pleasures.

Wow. So exciting.

Who would you be without your painful beliefs about love?

What if love was present whether you’re with a person, or not?

What if love has nothing to do with being married, or single?

Are you sure what you mean when you say “love” is actually “love” and requires another person?

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud…Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~ Corinthians

This means it endures through singleness and through contact with others.

Could love be present in any moment?

 

Even if you see the sadness at saying goodbye, and you cry your eyes out.

 

Maybe that heartbreak is all a part of love, breaking your heart open to something bigger and more expansive than ever imagined.

 

Life is like that.

 

Isn’t that what we really always wanted?

 

“Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it–that you are it……Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie 

 

Much love,

Grace

Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

Never Lose Love

The other day I was talking with a very close girlfriend on skype, me in my very, very familiar position now lying back on the bed, pillows propping my head, keeping the pressure off my right sits bone, ice pack under my right thigh.

I was not feeling frustrated at all….like, not one dash of annoyance or shake of irritation, about my physical condition.

I was listening, intently, with great curiosity.

We were talking about relationships, love attractions.

She said how in the past she always was attracted to the man at the party who had some kind of brooding darkness surrounding him.

Wry humor, edgy appearance, hip, the color black.

Then she said she could relate to the wonderful speaker/writer Danielle Laporte who says “I used to have a contentious relationship with joy”.

I’ve heard others speak of this before. I happen to have read The Four Man Plan seven years ago about a scientific approach to dating for women.

In her book, author Cindy Lu jokes that it’s helpful to question yourself when you haven’t had the best experiences in partnership ….“remember, you suck at love”. 

It’s not a criticism, but a mantra about not holding yourself back, about listening to your own inner voices and seeing if you really believe what they are saying.

It’s saying “now, now, remember…you’ve had some stressful beliefs running that are not exactly easy, helpful or LOVING when it comes to relationships…so don’t jump to conclusions about that man!”

As in, what I’ve done so far hasn’t exactly been the most blissed out love-filled dream.

As in, maybe your mind isn’t seeing the whole, complete picture.

Oh! Right!

Into my own mind suddenly flashed from my past, images followed by waves of interest, curiosity, attraction: black leather dude, rich independent dude, James Dean dude, alcoholic witty dude, muscled physical labor skateboarder dude, angry anti-establishment dude, depressed movie star Robert Downey Jr dude.

That man is attractive. 

Is it true?

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true?

Yes….Wait….No.

How do I react when I believe that thought that the dark brooding is attractive (or whatever your version of attractive is)?

I feel a magnetic pull in that direction, but I’m not sure it’s fun, or has integrity, or is peaceful or kind. It’s dramatic, searing, wild.

I forget about joy…innocent, childlike, playful joy.

Who would I be without the belief that what I’m seeing is attractive?

Nooooo! If I give this definition of “attractive” up, I won’t feel attraction ever!

I’d be bored, normal, compromising, bored…..and….bored.

Really? Are you sure?

Byron Katie writes about what happens when you believe you are calling the shots, when you’re in control…when you’re fighting reality….

….and what it would be like to question your thinking, to let go of your ideas of what is true:

“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them.” ~ Byron Katie 

My friend and I laughed, as she imagined being open to alternative ideas about men, dating, and who is attractive or not attractive.

To be open to joy, inside herself, no matter who she was looking at.

No expectations, no demands, no plans, no control.

Attraction, repulsion….if either one causes stress, doubt, anxiety….

….question your story and see who you would be without it.

“Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

With much love,

Grace