Of the Top Ten Suffering Hits….
….you know, the experiences we humans have that take us to our knees in pain….
….Love is up there.
Romantic love, coupled love, commitment, jealousy, rebellion, anger.
So many times people have come to work with me because of love-gone-wrong.
If it’s not a break up or divorce, then it’s extreme irritation with the one you’re actually with, whether dating them or living with them for 30 years.
Our partners offer tremendous opportunity to look and feel, and question what we believe is real.
And I mean whatever partner you have.
Whether you dated them twice, or hung out with them for most of your life.
And all these experiences with partners (I know some of us have many)?
They can sometimes add up to Big Global Statements about Love.
People say things like the following (I probably have said them all myself at some point):
- marriage is completely ridiculous, a business deal for asset sharing
- partners are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
- romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and I must find them at every available opportunity
- staying in one relationship is super boring
- staying in one relationship is impossible
- staying in one relationship is heaven
- when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure hell
- long-term relationships are an achievement
It’s awesome to say whatever you say about relationships….
….it’s what you’re feeling and observing in any given moment in time.
But when it causes doubt, a feeling of betrayal, disappointment, or rage….
….you might want to take a good look with inquiry.
Is what you’re thinking really true?
Is it true all the time?
Are you sure what you think means what you think it means?
Do you really need to “x” (leave, stay, get married, find a partner)?
Before you rush in with your answer, I love doing The Work first.
The mind goes all over the map. It can actually oppose itself, depending on what you’re looking at.
Today, it sucks you’re stuck in a marriage. Tomorrow, it sucks he left you.
Who would you really be, in this moment right now, without your thoughts about couples, or romantic love (the ones that hurt–keep the good ones)?
Who would you be right now without the belief that other people should agree with you and hold the same beliefs, otherwise….
Otherwise….what?
Who would you be without the belief that there is danger anywhere, lurking in the background, ready to pounce when it comes to love, falling in love, romance, sex, attraction, wanting, desire, playing, leaving and staying?
Well.
I don’t know about you, but at first…..
….I could hardly find it.
There are so many thoughts about what is right and what is wrong, and so much suffering.
Not long ago, someone close to me confessed his desire to divorce his wife of over 20 years.
He already had another lover.
Many people would think in our culture based on the “rules” that this is bad, bad, bad.
He should have waited to move towards someone else.
But the outcome…..is the SAME.
There is movement outward, to a new life, to a new experience.
Who would you be without the thought people shouldn’t move on to new relationships? In whatever way it takes?
How do you know it’s not a good thing, ultimately?
One of the best things that ever happened to me in my life was my former husband deciding to leave the marriage.
He never left me as a friend and someone connected deeply. We still spend every holiday together with our kids and our new partners. He is a very sweet man, and I’m pretty sure both of us are entirely clear about what an amazing, brave move he made ten years ago to part ways.
It did take me to my knees.
And that….in turn….
….took me to myself in a way I had always dreamed of but never knew I could reach.
The freedom I feel in the center of learning not to be against what happened, or happens, in relationship….
….is truly awe-inspiring.
Your turnarounds could look like this, and you might bust out laughing at the brilliance of it all.
- marriage is in the mind and doesn’t really matter, it’s whatever you make it
- partners dismantling your relationship are so great, they help you feel connected to the universe
- romance, sexuality, lust, ecstasy are highly desired and there is no need to hunt for them….this moment is glorious with myself
- staying in one relationship is super exciting
- staying in one relationship is possible
- staying in one relationship is heaven (the one with YOU)
- when someone breaks up with you, it’s pure heaven
- long-term relationships are equal to short-term, there is no “achievement” when it comes to love
If you’re not too sure about any of this, come join me to investigate love relationships that feel weird, stressful, uncertain, dangerous or unsatisfying.
Friday afternoon we’re gonna have a love-investigation fest. Three hours 2-5 pm Pacific Time.
When you investigate, I find you make the most genius moves and choices. You roll with what is presented. You don’t need to control what can’t be controlled anymore.
What a relief.
“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie Newsletter Valentine’s Day 2009
Much love, Grace
