The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.
My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.
This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.
We could see each other on skype.
“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”
I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.
Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.
Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.
He is financially irresponsible.
Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.
Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.
She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away.
I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.
I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.
Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.
She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.
I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.
But every week, she said she felt the same way.
I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.
That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!
Is it true?
Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
No. I do not know their timeline.
I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.
I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.
I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.
I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.
I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.
Could I stop them? God knows I tried.
How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?
How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?
Pissy.
When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.
I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.
I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.
I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.
But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??
Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?
I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.
And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.
I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.
“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)…..
Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.
It’s 7:05 am.
“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….
…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie
I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.
You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.
Love, Grace