If you’re wanting to join the truly wonderful circle of inquiry that happens in the luscious Breitenbush Hotsprings (for our 4th year) then NOW is the time to call Breitenbush for your reservations.Click here to get all the information and the phone number to register.
Housing choices get filled up very fast for this incredible time of year at Breitenbush (June 25-29, 2014). An amazing place to experience relaxation of body, mind and spirit in pristine forest. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals.
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Many people who contact me for self-inquiry have a common stressful belief. It starts with a very simple idea.
I need a partner.
Then there are also variations on this theme: I need a better partner than the one I have, I need to be back with the previous partner I had before.
Even if you are not concerned with looking at ending or beginning a relationship, but instead there is a little rift in your thoughts where longing arises, or upset because of past choices, or a reaching for that one that got away…..
….Is it true, that you need to add this Other to your life? Are you sure that would be an improvement?
Many people answer “no”. They are aware they do not “need” a partner. They realize there are benefits for their life, freedom, independence, autonomy, making a partnership with something other than an individual human, like their art.
But sometimes, people are afraid that if they don’t feel concern for finding a mate, they won’t even try.
Fine, I know I don’t neeeeeed someone. Forget it then.
Is that true, though?
What would it be like noticing that you think you would have a ball with a companion, enjoy yourself, connect intimately, explore someone else’s world along with your own?
What might happen if you talked about your concerns with that imperfect partner you have? What if you got crazy honest, about what you really, really want, without expectations?
How do you react when you think you don’t really need anyone, you shouldn’t really bring that difficult subject up with your spouse, it’s better if you put a lid on your interests instead of getting into all the mucky messy partner-hunting stuff?
Stuck in an in-between place. Wanting then not-wanting. Not really doing anything. Settling for this, the way it is.
But who would you be without the belief that what you want is hard to find, without any expectations for anything whatsoever, without needing a partner at all?
You may be surprised.
When it really doesn’t matter one way or another…who would you be without the thought that you need a partner?
Some people report that they either feel joyfully thrilled in their single-ness OR they become joyfully thrilled about getting to know tons of interesting, new, fabulous people.
“You know that the basic condition of the egoic self is of a very deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete. One of the main areas where it looks to fulfill that lack is in Relationship, the Other Person, He or She. He or She is The One. It’s painful. There’s a tendency for the mind to weave all kinds of fantasies, all kinds of stories, a very painful self-image of ‘me’. What is called love is the deep-seated need of the ego, that focuses on one form……
…..We need to acknowledge that there are personal affinities. But in themselves, they are never ultimately fulfilling. More often than not, they are a source of suffering. Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Without the belief that a partner is better than no partner, or that no partner is safer or better than a partner, then companions arrive and it’s fun, companions go and it’s OK, every way is good.
Byron Katie says about her husband “he’s brave enough to be married to the impersonal.”
Turning the thoughts around: whatever is happening now (partner, no partner) is fabulous.
Can you find your genuine reasons why?
“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico
Love, Grace