The other day I walked through my childhood home here in Seattle. My parents owned it for 28 years.
A friend had driven by, and seen the For Sale sign in the front. She had spent many nights there. With four girls in our family with a span of under six years, there was a lot of voices, activity, movement, people coming and going, meals, parties, meetings, community.
The friend who drove by wanted to see the inside again. So did I. My daughter, my current husband, my mom, my youngest sister, my niece, one brother-in-law….we all came at the appointed time.
As I stood in my parents bedroom I suddenly felt the strangeness of remembering my father’s death right in that very room, of leukemia, almost 25 years ago.
All of us had been there with my dad when he passed. It was odd to think “it was right here”. Images flashing of holding his hand, all the candles that were lit, the bed was over there, the dresser was here….
….and then other images and scenes from totally unrelated times in that same room. Here’s where the closet door used to stick, and it still sticks. Here’s where we passed to go out to the roof top to sunbathe.
As I entered the basement I could hear Earth, Wind and Fire in the distance from all the house dance parties, so much dancing. My sweet sixteen party.
My first wedding.
And my own bedroom. No furniture, seeing the past overlaid onto the space, the walls and the shell of the room in the Now.
People call it nostalgia, taking a walk down memory lane. With so much life lived in that house, there were many memories popping, floating in the room. Even in the front hall closet, running my hand over the wall paper, the very same coat hooks.
Then somewhere in the corner of the mind, a sadness. Something moved, felt, the ghosts of the past, these moments, gone forever.
I had the thought “Life is temporary. Now I am standing here, remembering, and many years, over.”
What is sad about it?
Time for inquiry.
All that life passes by, unfolding, and every moment temporary, gone, vanished except in ghost images in the mind. Sad.
Really? Are you sure it’s sad, uncomfortable, haunting? Are you certain that this walk-through in this moment is not perfect, hearing the voices echo in empty rooms NOW?
Are you sure you miss it? What is it you think you miss? Is it really gone?
Yes! On a timeline, things go from beginning to end. I was happy then, I was care-free (not true), I miss my dad, I’ll never be that young again.
Is that really a sad thing? Are you positive?
No.
I notice what happens when I believe that there is a past and it’s gone, or over, and that this is sad.
So who would I be without the thought that remembering all those moments, seeing the images and pictures, is sad?
Realizing that this house was built long before I ever existed, and others also lived here, and it will stand long after I am gone.
The way of it is things come and go, things are created, then they dissolve.
“It’s just a thought, with no energetic or emotional pull. I no longer live with any sense of lack. When that is gone, life is just lived in the here and now, like I say, loving dogs or eating prime rib or whatever–not to reach a later goal.” ~ Scott Kiloby
Could this be very, very happy, this moment? Not seeking any repeated moment, not seeking any later goal, not hoping for something else?
I turn the thought, the feeling, the experience around….just to try it on, not to try to get away from the feeling of nostalgia or that something missed.
Could even this moment, remembering so much, be good, be OK, be beautiful?
My current partner, asking me questions, my youngest sister asking me if I remember the way the pantry door hit the dining room door and what a hassle that always was, and us laughing.
My niece saying to reenact my wedding for everyone, and me hamming it up. Laughter. My mom saying “I’m sure those stained glass doors were never like that” and everyone else saying they remember those doors to be exactly like that.
Everyone hugging each other goodbye, everyone touched.
On the way home in the car saying “shall I take you out to dinner?” to my sixteen year old daughter, when I almost never go out to dinner at restaurants, or take her by herself.
My daughter saying “this place is so awesome, I want to have my next birthday dinner right here!”
Laughing with her, sending a snap chat to her brother, my son, of our delicious food. Talking with her about my memories, her grandpa.
Something being re-membered right here, in this moment. A little piece of story told, joyfully, for no reason.
“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love, Grace