Tag: Scott Kiloby

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Question Your Thinking, Change Your Addiction

Every so often, I get asked about my history of addiction and I still have a twinge of wishing it wasn’t so.

Ew.

My primary horrible experience was around food. Always concerned with eating too much or not having enough, and trapped in the squashed zone of in-between.

It was too much, it is too much, it will be too much…it wasn’t enough, it isn’t enough, it won’t be enough.

Landing on “just right” seemed elusive, actually…..impossible.

My mind was so full of fear, I couldn’t relax.

It doesn’t matter if this comes out in the way you eat or in another way. I’ve used other activities to *prove* there’s either too much or not enough of something….caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, screen time, crushes.

But what is there actually not enough of, or too much of….really?

It always seemed like there was something I perceived that was missing, or too overwhelming, and boom….the urge to escape would appear.

Since my mind was fast and busy and saw a lot that there was too much of, and a lot missing, I was constantly fretting about life, relationships, money, safety, love, yesterday and tomorrow.

No wonder I thought I needed “help” from substances, especially food.

Life was hard, thinking there wouldn’t be enough of something, or there might be too much of something, all that all the time.

And ever so slowly, it dawned on me that thought, this way of thinking, was an addiction all by itself.

I couldn’t seem to think any other way, I kept believing what I thought was true, I took myself and my thoughts very seriously, I believed I couldn’t relax or didn’t have true happiness yet, that it was around the corner.

“Simple rest without thought, feeling into the spacious relaxation of no mind, is perhaps the best antidote to addiction.  Trying to think oneself out of addiction is, in and of itself, just another addiction, an addiction to thought. If we are going to speak of recovery from addiction, we have to first speak to this addiction to thought itself.  When addiction to thought is released, thoughts still happen, but with no sense of self in them and no sense that they carry a command to engage in some addictive substance or behavior.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Questioning your stressful thoughts is a fantastic way to begin to break apart what you’re thinking, to begin to understand what’s happening in your mind that creates the urge to eat, drink, smoke, shop, watch movies, obsess, clean, exercise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s unrelated to food, or whatever you use for escape or comfort.

Look at these beliefs:

There is not enough of “x” in my life…..and…..there is too much of “x” in my life.

Write these down. Make a list.

Take them through the four questions.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.”~Byron Katie

If you’re wanting to stop doing something that feels compulsive, addictive, harmful…you can stop.

You can stop believing that what you’re thinking is true. Start by writing down what you repeat to yourself that seems stressful.

Then take it through the four questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know it’s true (if you said Yes)
  • How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?
  • What’s the opposite of your original thought?

You can do this.

Freedom is on the other side.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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The Surprising Result of Not Changing Anything

changehappensIn only one month, everyone in the new Year of Inquiry (YOI) will be gathering in Seattle to investigate troubling stories about being human.

We meet Sept 19-21, Friday night through Sunday 5 pm. There are still four spots available.

You can try a free group inquiry call to test the waters on how telesessions feel for you. We have three calls this coming week in Summer Camp: Monday 4 pm, Tuesday 8 am, Thursday 9:30 am. Just hit reply if you’d like to send me an email for information on how to join telecalls or YOI.

******

Speaking of being human.

This idea of doing vs being seems to appear frequently in conversation lately, even if the conversation is in my own head.

Doing has gotten a bad rap.

Being is better. Just Be. Then you don’t have to Do anything.

Lots of talk about not making effort, not working so hard, not pushing, relaxing, slowing down, moving gently.

Now…this is all very peaceful and restful.

But I had to chuckle the other day, because suddenly I realized how easy it is to make a project out of not-efforting and doing nothing.

Not that it was “working” mind you. It appears I still do a lot.

I’m not exactly lying around trying to relax all day on the couch.

But it’s more like I’ve been “trying” quite a bit to relax all day WHILE I work, write, meet with clients, teach classes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…except I simply realized it’s such a PROJECT.

Like I could call it Project Rest.

Like there’s a competition going on, and winning equals being totally relaxed in every way in every circumstance, not believing any thoughts ever, never getting caught in addiction or vicious cycles of criticism or confusion, being of profound service to other people, and probably winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sometimes in the past I’ve noticed an element of this going on with enlightenment. I’m “working” on it.

Project Wake Up.

Whew, the mind will grab anything and decide to organize, code, label, plan and master it.

Good news.

It’s OK that the mind loves this, loves solving problems, getting lessons, taking classes, “working” on stuff.

I know, because of doing The Work.

The mind takes over everything as a project…..Is that true?

Yes. I’m addicted to thinking and solving problems. I love to think, can’t stop thinking, do nothing except think, think, think. I need to figure out EVERYTHING. I need to understand, rest versus be busy, get something that I’m obviously missing.

Really?

Are you sure you are missing something? Are you sure you aren’t getting something? Are you sure you can’t stop thinking?

Uh…yes? What are you asking?

I mean…without missing something, trying to get something, trying to stop whatever…nothing would ever change for the better!

Something needs to change!

Is That True?

Woah…crazy question! How could that NOT be true?

A teensy little thought enters with the idea that it’s not true…..it’s OK that there’s thought, OK to leave everything alone, including this mind and allllllll my stories.

What a weird, paradoxical, hilarious place to go. Without the belief that I need to change my beliefs, or do something, or get somewhere different than here….

….I almost want to start laughing hysterically.

I turn the thought around that something needs to change:

Nothing actually needs to change. The mind trying to make everything into a project, including realization, doesn’t have to change. My believing doesn’t have to change. My work doesn’t have to change. My activities don’t have to change. My doing doesn’t have to change.

Even if this is the weirdest, strangest most truly foreign idea you’ve ever actually had when it comes to dealing with being human….

….notice how you feel when you don’t believe anything ever inside of you is missing, needs to change, or must be altered.

Isn’t that so fun?

No longer any project, or something you’re working towards.

Suddenly this moment now is truly all there is, even when there is thinking in this moment about a future, there is such thrilling alive acceptance of everything here, now.

There is no difference between being or doing. They are both happening and wonderful, no way to ever choose one or the other, they just appear.

“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you love questioning stories…

…come join me and the incredible group of inquirers who collect together on the phone all year (and two fabulous in-person retreats) to question our stories.

Here’s the funny secret: we don’t try to change anything, thoughts about reality, people, bodies, places, time, or things all get examined…and things change all on their own.

“We rest in alert, awake presence, welcoming our present situation as it is. Our communications with others are vibrantly alive, not deadened or pushed away in favor of silence. We’re listening, living, and loving–not escaping into silence in order to avoid conflict or painful feelings. The quietness of presence is an opening, not a closing. It opens us to everything that’s happening within and around us.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Much love, Grace

 

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Mad, Sad, Scared: Can You Control Your Feelings?

saddollOne of the most intriguing studies in life is human emotional feelings.

Well, for me it’s been an incredible journey. I could tell from the time I was very young that my feelings were so powerful, they actually guided my behavior!

What a concept!

Even if I kept them to myself and didn’t express them very openly, or tell other people what I was feeling.

If I felt fear, for example….from the tiniest level worry, to sheer terror with a racing heart, sensations coursed through my body. I would naturally turn left instead of right, or withdraw, or hide, or plan my revenge, or avoid.

At the same time as realizing how powerful emotions were, my mind began to have a few things to say about “feelings”.

It wasn’t too difficult to pick up the general consensus about feelings…it was the way everyone around me believed. They all appeared to be pretty dang concerned about feelings.

My mom, my dad, my grandparents, the adults next door, the teachers. They all seemed to agree and make comments which said feeling big feelings was not cool. You should turn them off, not let them overtake you or ruin your day. You should tone them down, make them manageable, and be rational.

You need to control your upset feelings.

Rational meant you could talk, breathe, communicate easily, make logical or simple decisions, and not do anything over-the- top or weird. You certainly wouldn’t be blubbering or “losing control” or screaming, crying, throwing things, or even laughing too much or too long.

So the other day, a picture popped in my head of an old friend having a sobbing fit over something I can’t remember. I just recall we were having a heart-to-heart conversation, and he started crying in huge big convulsive waves and he couldn’t really talk anymore.

It was a long time ago. But my immediate thought in the middle of having that memory was “God, that guy was seriously F#$&*@ Up. What a Head Case.”

Oh. Hang on. Pause.

Maybe I could take a look again at sobbing and not be so quick to adopt the world view that it’s annoying? Or how about any huge expressive feeling?

Rage (someone screaming), Fear (someone shaking violently), Wanting (stalker-ish love sick behavior), Grief (wailing).

Instead of hacking these kinds of feelings to bits with judgment and being sure it’s true that expressing them intensely is messed up….how about I look a little deeper, even though I’ve looked at this many times before, and been in therapy and all kinds of modalities that talk about expressing your feelings all the time.

What’s so upsetting about FEELING?

Hmmm.

OK. Feelings show you are believing something stupid, you’re wrong, you’re not in control of yourself, you’re not seeing the full picture, you’re immature, you’re self-centered, you’re good for nothing (until you get your head back on straight), you’re mesmerized, you’re addicted, you’re not calm, you could do something dumb, and people will want to drop you like a hot potato.

Wow. That’s some very harsh judgment! Whew!

The thing is, when you stop here and attack yourself for feeling big feelings, they get wadded up in a condensed ball in the pit of your stomach somewhere.

Just like anything else you attack or dismiss.

Let’s look at it from the outside looking in, from this observation point.

If you feel terrible about your own Big Feeling, see if you can find someone else who’s cuttin’ loose with that feeling. Whether it’s love, hate, fear, sadness, insecurity, grief.

“That person is too emotional.”

Is it true?

Yes, it’s disturbing me.

Really? Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe that person is too “x” (fill in the blank on the feeling you don’t like observing)?

I put up a shield between me and him. I believe he has a problem and is a problem. I get away. I quit speaking to him. I make him my enemy.

Who would I be without that belief that he is being too intense with his feeling of “x”?

I’d watch, quite fascinated. It would be like walking along a quiet river, and then turning the corner and there’s a waterfall. Big, loud, gushing.

I would stay. I would feel very connected with him. Wow, I might even give him a big hug and stay close physically, without receding or disappearing.

I had no idea this is who I would be without the thought!

No critical voice, no calling him names and saying he’s a crybaby or emotional wreck.

In fact, something inside my own body relaxes and expands and sinks down towards the earth. I absorb the waves, I’m not afraid of them. I feel them move through me. It feels good, and safe.

“Fear is your friend. Don’t try to block it, or hide it, or get drugs for it. It’s something created inside you….Welcome every fear, no matter how uncomfortable. Even a doubt. If a doubt arises, turn inward. See how you really feel in your heart, how it resonates. The heart is being. You will not make a mistake. The heart doesn’t want an answer, it just wants silence. If you want a speedy journey to awakening, feel your fear.” ~ Burt Harding

I turn the thought around: No one is too emotional, not this person I am observing, not myself, not anyone full of feelings.

When I do not “decide” or “know” that any feeling is bad, I am free to relax and allow all these movements of thought, feeling, energy in the body to be just as they are. I am not against them. I am not for them either. I am not trying to get rid of them or trying to praise them.

I am just being.

“Anything can appear within this presence including movements of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, doubt, confusion, and any other so-called “negative emotion,” not to mention the positive thoughts and feelings.  Awareness is nothingness.  It is the space in which all things, all movements, appear and disappear.

If you truly want to be free, you will dispel the belief that awareness is supposed to feel or be experienced a certain way–either positive, negative, or neutral.  Even believing that awareness is totally neutral is a trap.  Neutrality is just another position.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Suddenly, I have an even greater glimpse of absolute freedom in the flow of all that is here.

No planning. No “working” to get myself to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. Everything just is, I watch, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What are your concerns about feelings, big or small? What happens when you question these beliefs? What did you learn about an emotion (or more than one) that made you decide you must destroy it and never feel it?

I would love to hear. Click below on the link to leave a comment if you like.

“When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Journaling Brings On The End Of Overeating

Yesterday I mentioned the Dreaded Journal.

You know what I’m talkin’ about right?

Well, OK, if you don’t…..it’s the journal I ask people who are investigating their relationship to eating to write in and keep close.

It works for other addictive processes just as well. ANY addictive or unconscious, overwhelming process where it seems like a demon takes over. Or some craving, compulsive, gripping urge is felt (like in love addiction, for example).

When I went to a therapist to continue my journey to healing from terrible binge-purge episodes and enormous cravings for food, or starvation routines, she introduced the idea of keeping a journal to me.

A Binge Journal.

Can’t we just talk about stuff so that I feel relieved, so that I feel better?

Do I have to write down what was going on when I binged, craved, overate, stuffed myself with food, vomited, over-exercised?

Ewww. I don’t want to see that in writing. Too exposed. Too embarrassing.

Too sick.

But she kept asking if I bought a special journal, every week when I came to see her. At first I forgot to get one every week, then I avoided it.

And of course, I finally bought one.

I wanted to learn, I wanted to stop doing what I was doing.

It was red leather, with no letters of any kind on the outside. Very thin, with beautiful college-ruled lines on the inside. I used my black felt-tip pen, my favorite.

In a journal of this kind, you are studying your own mind, without demanding that it change.

You’re seeing the worst, the disgusting, the outrageous, the terrible, the horrifying.

I wrote what I ate, what I appeared to crave (sometimes it was just anything consumable), and then….

(the gold)….

….what I was feeling and/or thinking before the cravings began.

This was studying the cycle, instead of trying to forget about it.

Investigating what I was frightened of, or concerned about, or what I wanted to “forget” or “avoid”. Just like the journal itself.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened:

I wrote if I had any urge to binge, or about a binge I just had (always the case in the beginning that I wrote AFTER I was through the binge-eating-purging cycle).

Nothing changed at first.

Then I began to re-read some of my journaling entries, from previous days and weeks. My therapist asked me to look through the sections and read them out loud, or tell her what I was noticing.

Ah….interesting.

Two weeks ago when I began eating after work, and ate all the way home in my car, and went straight to my room after passing my roommates in the kitchen…

…I had been frightened and angry because of the way my boss talked to me that morning.

The week before, one of my best friends got upset with me for ignoring his calls for a day, and later I had felt anxious in a similar way as when my boss spoke to me (resistant, angry, frightened) and wound up binge-eating.

The Saturday before that, I had talked with my parents long-distance and heard in their voices their wish that I would start paying my own student loans, but I knew I made so little money I didn’t know how to “fix” that problem and got scared…..and wound up overeating.

OMG! I have a problem with feeling fear!

Now…I had a clearer belief to question:

If you’re afraid, it’s awful. Feeling like you’re in danger is intolerable. All these things in my life are very frightening. Therefore I must find relief from life. Too scary.

EAT!

But who would you be without the thought that feeling fear is intolerable? That you have to do something quick to alter yourself if you feel fear?

I’d feel the buzzing, fluttering, uncomfortable sensations of “fear”. It moves through the center of my body like a wave sending out signals, in my torso.

I’d notice that it’s not serious, it’s not the worst thing that ever happened, it’s only sensations, feelings.

I may not even call it “fear”.

“It’s what you are believing that causes stress in your life…When we’re believing something is scary, the mind will give you all the proof and images so that you cannot think beyond it. That is what the mind worships! It has to worship what its believing, otherwise who am I? I don’t know! But we have some identity here, even though terrified, we think we have some safety here.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is scary, I notice how safe I am in the moment.

“In my view, there is no way to speak maturely about recovering from addiction without first seeing what it’s all about.  It’s about the avoidance of painful or unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  Really sitting with emotions and sensations, without thought on them, is needed….When all emotions and sensations are seen to be temporary energies that pass when you place no thought on them, the avoidance stops.  And so the addiction naturally releases itself.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Studying yourself, keeping a journal, noticing what is happening in the moment you crave….can be a door opening into relaxation and ending the cycle.

You might like it…

Love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace teleclass will begin, in new revised longer format, in August. Stay tuned for more information.

 

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Becoming Blind With Love

Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.

We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.

Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”

Oh boy. I’ve thought that.

Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!

Give it a rest!

Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?

Let’s begin.

She should stop complaining.

Is it true?

Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!

Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?

No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.

How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?

Rats. Did you have to ask me that?

I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!

I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.

“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Gulp.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?

I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.

I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.

Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.

Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.

I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.

I relax.

“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.

She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.

Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.

I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.

I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.

What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?

Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.

Because I can. It’s not so hard.

I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.

Can you?

“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Much love, Grace

 

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Memories Bringing Love Into The Now

The other day I walked through my childhood home here in Seattle. My parents owned it for 28 years.

A friend had driven by, and seen the For Sale sign in the front. She had spent many nights there. With four girls in our family with a span of under six years, there was a lot of voices, activity, movement, people coming and going, meals, parties, meetings, community.

The friend who drove by wanted to see the inside again. So did I. My daughter, my current husband, my mom, my youngest sister, my niece, one brother-in-law….we all came at the appointed time.

As I stood in my parents bedroom I suddenly felt the strangeness of remembering my father’s death right in that very room, of leukemia, almost 25 years ago.

All of us had been there with my dad when he passed. It was odd to think “it was right here”. Images flashing of holding his hand, all the candles that were lit, the bed was over there, the dresser was here….

….and then other images and scenes from totally unrelated times in that same room. Here’s where the closet door used to stick, and it still sticks. Here’s where we passed to go out to the roof top to sunbathe.

As I entered the basement I could hear Earth, Wind and Fire in the distance from all the house dance parties, so much dancing. My sweet sixteen party.

My first wedding.

And my own bedroom. No furniture, seeing the past overlaid onto the space, the walls and the shell of the room in the Now.

People call it nostalgia, taking a walk down memory lane. With so much life lived in that house, there were many memories popping, floating in the room. Even in the front hall closet, running my hand over the wall paper, the very same coat hooks.

Then somewhere in the corner of the mind, a sadness. Something moved, felt, the ghosts of the past, these moments, gone forever.

I had the thought “Life is temporary. Now I am standing here, remembering, and many years, over.”

What is sad about it?

Time for inquiry.

All that life passes by, unfolding, and every moment temporary, gone, vanished except in ghost images in the mind. Sad.

Really? Are you sure it’s sad, uncomfortable, haunting? Are you certain that this walk-through in this moment is not perfect, hearing the voices echo in empty rooms NOW?

Are you sure you miss it? What is it you think you miss? Is it really gone?

Yes! On a timeline, things go from beginning to end. I was happy then, I was care-free (not true), I miss my dad, I’ll never be that young again.

Is that really a sad thing? Are you positive?

No. 

I notice what happens when I believe that there is a past and it’s gone, or over, and that this is sad. 

So who would I be without the thought that remembering all those moments, seeing the images and pictures, is sad?

Realizing that this house was built long before I ever existed, and others also lived here, and it will stand long after I am gone.

The way of it is things come and go, things are created, then they dissolve. 

“It’s just a thought, with no energetic or emotional pull. I no longer live with any sense of lack. When that is gone, life is just lived in the here and now, like I say, loving dogs or eating prime rib or whatever–not to reach a later goal.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

Could this be very, very happy, this moment? Not seeking any repeated moment, not seeking any later goal, not hoping for something else?

I turn the thought, the feeling, the experience around….just to try it on, not to try to get away from the feeling of nostalgia or that something missed. 

Could even this moment, remembering so much, be good, be OK, be beautiful?

My current partner, asking me questions, my youngest sister asking me if I remember the way the pantry door hit the dining room door and what a hassle that always was, and us laughing. 

My niece saying to reenact my wedding for everyone, and me hamming it up. Laughter. My mom saying “I’m sure those stained glass doors were never like that” and everyone else saying they remember those doors to be exactly like that. 

Everyone hugging each other goodbye, everyone touched.

On the way home in the car saying “shall I take you out to dinner?” to my sixteen year old daughter, when I almost never go out to dinner at restaurants, or take her by herself.

My daughter saying “this place is so awesome, I want to have my next birthday dinner right here!” 

Laughing with her, sending a snap chat to her brother, my son, of our delicious food. Talking with her about my memories, her grandpa. 

Something being re-membered right here, in this moment. A little piece of story told, joyfully, for no reason.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Wiping Away That Sweet Dream In The Future

I noticed a joyful zing of excitement and happiness flash through my chest the other day when thinking about the upcoming in-person March retreat for Year of Inquiry folks.

We’ll be gathering in a month for the weekend, in Seattle.

Not everyone has met, maybe they’ve only known one another from our phone calls together, or maybe they are brand new and just starting in a few weeks on the journey.

But all of them will be coming together to question their thinking, to investigate their consciousness, their beliefs, their mindset, their complaints.

It’s intimate and vulnerable. The goal is unknown.

The hopes are sometimes huge: making it through divorce, finding a meaningful career, finding balance in the body like weight loss, quitting an addictive process, finding ease with our children and being an awesome rockin’ parent, finding a mate, making more money, eliminating anger, or fear.

People have their dreams and desires, and so does everyone in YOI. And many others.

I do too.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an (extreme) introvert. However, I adore people. I’m good all day long without ever talking with a soul, I sort of lean that way naturally.

Nevertheless, connecting with humanity is very important to me.

Being a good facilitator of the group process, of a group organism or a family, being an effective leader, is really, really meaningful for me.

It’s my Mama Grace nature coming out.

So I have a confession to make.

I sometimes worry about my clients, my program attendees, the people in YOI, my classes….

….I want people to feel the joy of being held while they find what is just right for them on their journey, of being supported even though they are in many ways alone on their unique adventure.

I want them to feel this incredible joy of moving in their life fearlessly…even if they feel afraid sometimes (which I guess means it’s not fear-less, right?)

Sometimes this feeling has a little edge of angst.

I hope they are finding what they need, what they’re looking for. I hope they shine, I hope they take off like a rocket ship and discover who they are is dynamite!

Parents often inwardly hope this for their kids.

Best friends hope this for each other.

And what happens if the person whom you hope finds what they are looking for….doesn’t?

An excellent place for inquiry, don’t you agree?

  • I hope he feels safe, secure, comfortable, thrilled
  • I hope she feels loved, cherished, powerful, deserving
  • I hope they feel excited, bonded, content, connected
  • I hope we feel thrilled, touched, moved, evolved

How do I react when I hope for these things….and they don’t seem to be manifesting?

Humph.

Just a wee bit full of waiting. Not quite HERE.

I’m talking about the part that’s a small voice, but slightly full of wanting for these end results to occur.

Like the little kid that says “Come on everybody! I want everyone to be happy!”

A memory, an image, returns of wanting my dad to be joyful and no longer depressed, of wanting my mom to be thrilled instead of angry.

But who would I be without the these thoughts of hope?

Ahhhh….if there was no hope….

What could be wonderful about that? 

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future…..For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity.” ~ Byron Katie  

Without the thought of any hope for the future, for myself or for anyone, I enter the complete unknown.

I have a sense of happiness about the upcoming retreat, mystery, openness, and joy NOW, in this moment.

Without hope for anyone, or for me, I feel the destruction, the end of something…and the end of neediness, urgency, grabbing.

Deep breath.

This is fine, here, this reality, this now.

“Overcompensating is a way to avoid all of that and to dream a sweet dream that somewhere, someday down the road, all the pain will be wiped away.  But in that dream of getting somewhere, you avoid the pain as it arises in your experience right now or that pain or fear that might arise if you begin to see through your dream of future and your mental certainty.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Right now he feels unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable and frightened
  • Right now she feels unloved, dismissed, powerless, undeserving
  • Right now I myself feel bored, separate, discontent, disconnected
  • Right now we feel scared, unmotivated, unmoved, unevolved

This is what is here…can I be with this person in pain, can I be with myself in pain…without hoping it will change?

Yes.

“So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you’re interested in exploring, for no apparently hopeful reason, your internal world….

….join Year of Inquiry starting March 7th. I have no idea if it will solve everyone’s problems, but I do know, the journey is strange, unexpected, and magnificent.

Right now.

Much love, Grace

 

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The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….” 

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?  

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#! 

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her! 

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Escape Route To The Present

I can walk, I can walk!

Isn’t it funny to become excited about returning to your previously “normal” experience (in my case, having the use of my right leg as a regular working leg)?

The most intense part of the ordeal is over, apparently, in my journey to healing.

Although, I can probably testify that my right leg and hamstring will never be the same again. There’s a big scar, and permanent titanium pins embedded in my right pelvic bone.

But this body, and all its functions…what an incredible entity for receiving our judgments.

Often the mind runs rampant with its opinion about what should or should not be happening:

It should go faster, stop hurting, be smaller, grow taller, return to normal, heal, be younger, have no wrinkles, feel juicier, feel stronger, be softer, flatter, smoother, lighter, heavier. 

It’s sort of an incessant commentary.

In the Eating Peace group, we’re looking at the body, and zoning in on judgments about what is ugly or repulsive.

Too fat.

But what does that actually mean? In the past, I knew something was off about the whole fat/thin, old/young, abled/disabled assessments…but it seemed the only way to oppose all that was to think about something else, or apply affirmations.

Until I found The Work I didn’t even know how to examine this torturous belief-system in detail.

Is it true that your body is too fat, or that part of the body?

Is it true that any part you’re fighting with should be different than it is?

Well, duh. Of course it should different…look at that extra roll around the middle! Yuck!

Are you sure it shouldn’t be the way it is? Are you sure it’s too fat?

Even if you still say “yes”….because it seems like a dumb question…see if you can actually ask and answer.

Because when I stopped to answer, I couldn’t know for sure, not absolutely, that the part of my body I was looking at was ugly.

Scar tissue, atrophied thigh, sagging skin.

Ugly? Even if I were from another planet and had no reference for this belief system?

No.

Who would I be without the thought that something’s wrong here with the body?

Some people think at this point that they’d go off their rocker, become wildly obese, never work out again, stuff themselves silly every day, stop all physical movement, if they didn’t have the idea that something was wrong.

Can you be sure of that? Are you sure you have to hate it and think it’s ugly to get motivated?

Turning the thoughts around: this body should be exactly as it is, in exactly this state at this time.

How could that be truer? How could I be soft, gentle, kind and accepting with this body, here, now?

Which way would feel better….saying “this body sucks” or “this body rocks the house”?

Which way do you think you’d lose weight, feel less pain, relax with the illness you have, recover from an injury?

“Relying on thought has been our escape route. The only instruction we need to follow from the mind is ‘rest in presence’. This one instruction changes everything.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Dropping all ideas about right and wrong with the body, what is or is not true, what I deem ugly or unacceptable, I feel freer, full of wonder. Curious, present.

What if the next time you feel overwhelmed with self-criticism about your body, or despair, or you feel craving and hunger, or a pull towards a substance that doesn’t end up well….you just sat there.

And did nothing.

What if the easiest way really is….the easiest way.

Love, Grace

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Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”. 

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed. 

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie 

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace