Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.
We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.
Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”
Oh boy. I’ve thought that.
Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!
Give it a rest!
Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?
Let’s begin.
She should stop complaining.
Is it true?
Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!
Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?
No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.
How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?
Rats. Did you have to ask me that?
I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!
I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.
“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby
Gulp.
Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?
I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.
I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.
Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.
Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.
I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.
I relax.
“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico
I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.
She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.
Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.
I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.
I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.
What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?
Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.
Because I can. It’s not so hard.
I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.
Can you?
“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World
Much love, Grace