Tag: complainers

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What to do about the annoying victim on the couch (+ Breitenbush scoop)

Breitenbush Pool
Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016

It’s time!

BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.

Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.

An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.

Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.

24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!

(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).

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What a victim.
 
Seriously.
 

Did you hear him say that?

I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.

This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.

All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.

He’s such a victim.

Yeah, I agree 100%.

Refer him to someone else.

No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!

My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1st avenue downtown….

….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!

Ew.

Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?

I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.

And how his former wife created real war against him.

Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.

That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.

But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.

And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.

No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.

Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).

This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.

It had the feel of….

.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”

I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.

Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.

So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.

Like a whisper.

Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?

What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?

Wow. Yikes.

Interesting.

It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.

“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.

“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”

He looked up, as if out of a trance.

“OK.”

He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.

Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.

Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.

“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”

Is it true?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.

Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?

Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?

Oh.

Wait.

You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?

I took a deep breath.

I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.

I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.

Was he?

Could I absolutely KNOW it?

Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……

No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.

How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?

Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.

Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.

I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.

So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?

Wow.

It feels a little detached. Is this OK?

It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.

Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).

I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.

Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.

Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.

What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?

He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.

Kinda funny, right?

Let’s look.

He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!

(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).

He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.

I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).

Why should he be as he is?

Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.

Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.

Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?

Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.

The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.

What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.

Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?

Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?

Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?

Ha ha. Yes!

“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.

As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.
Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?
Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.
Nice.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.

Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.

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What If You Had Nothing To Complain About?

The definition of a complaint in the dictionary is an ailment, disease, affliction, protest, objection, grievance, grouse, sickness.

It comes from the word lament. Grief. Sorrow.

We’re told we should never complain and that people who complain are irritating.

It seems true.

And yet…I noticed once that I was complaining about complainers. I had objections to these folks. But I was doing the same thing as them….

….wishing they would stop so I could be happy.

One fantastic way to dive deeper into understanding the whole process of complaining, whether you do it internally or say it out loud, is to write down every complaint you can think of in five minutes.

You might be surprised at how many you can think up.

I wish it wasn’t so late, I wish I had more time, there’s a pen mark on the couch, someone should have emptied the dishwasher, I wish the chicken was hot, I don’t want to go buy bananas, I thought there was gas in my car already, I don’t have time to book my tickets to the retreat, I didn’t write that other email very clearly…

I mean, it can go on and on and on.

What I’ve observed over time is that I have some of the very same complaints over and over. They’re like a broken record, playing repetitively.

Those are juicy ones for inquiry.

But after you look at these in more detail…you might have fun taking a look at the overall big picture…and seeing what happens if you inquire.

Let’s do it!

There are things that are wrong, and I object to them! They’re irritating, annoying, frightening, infuriating! 

Is that true?

Yes. There are things everywhere that are upsetting, imperfect, unfortunate and worthy of complaint!

I mean…EVERYWHERE!

Can you absolutely know this is true? Are you sure?

I almost don’t know how to answer that question. It seems true. Even considering it not to be true is sort of….unusual. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Nothing to complain about? Impossible!!!

How do you react when you believe there are so many things worthy of complaint? When you really believe its true that things are imperfect and wrong around here?

I spout off complaints. I try to find solutions. I “work” on solving problems. I try to fix the complaints and get them handled.

It’s a big project. It’s never-ending.

Well…who would you be without the thought that there’s something to complain about?

Pause.

I’m almost silenced. Without the belief that there’s a lot to be upset about here on planet earth, in my life, I’d be….I’d be….

….wow. I’m not even sure who or what I’d be.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I wouldn’t be a victim. I’d be here. Now.

I’d be looking around the space I’m in, noticing the air, the feeling of this place. I’d have eyes taking in the scenery, I’d have a body doing what it does, I’d hear a dog bark and a car motor somewhere nearby, I’d smell the lotion on my hands, I’d have a mind drinking everything in.

Turning the thought around….

….there is nothing to complain about. Nothing.

“Not even knowing what’s true–just knowing what’s not true is enough, because what that leaves is the great surprise. And all you can know about it is its nature. And so you begin to live a fearless existence.” ~ Byron Katie

Just to see what its like to not believe you have something to complain about….woah.

Empty. Quiet.

“Often, the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow…Really happy people aren’t pursuing happiness, have you noticed? But you think they got it because they pursued it! What’s not told to you is that the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow. Even if we attain something that gives us some happiness, we know that whatever we’ve grasped won’t last forever. Even a great spiritual experience!….In the midst of all this is the sacred. Causeless happiness.” ~ Adyashanti

What if your complaints are innocent, but also…unnecessary?

What if you could decide to simply relax, rest, and not take your complaining seriously?

Now that’s exciting!

Much love, Grace

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Becoming Blind With Love

Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.

We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.

Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”

Oh boy. I’ve thought that.

Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!

Give it a rest!

Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?

Let’s begin.

She should stop complaining.

Is it true?

Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!

Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?

No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.

How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?

Rats. Did you have to ask me that?

I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!

I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.

“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Gulp.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?

I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.

I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.

Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.

Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.

I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.

I relax.

“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.

She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.

Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.

I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.

I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.

What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?

Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.

Because I can. It’s not so hard.

I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.

Can you?

“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Much love, Grace

 

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Complainers! Showing Us How To Love

Those people are sooooooo slow. The traffic is moving like molasses. I hate waiting. This is taking tooooo long. 

Have you ever been bugged when someone else makes these kinds of statements? 

The other day, I was working with a wonderful inquirer who had some thoughts about the way her husband complained about the traffic.

HE was the one with the stressful thoughts like the ones above. About slowness.

And he should stop saying those thoughts out loud. Boring, unnecessary thoughts.  

With frustration in her voice, she exclaimed “We didn’t even have to be anywhere soon, we were going shopping as a family! He should stop barking about something so stupid as traffic!” 

I had to chuckle to myself. Because I’ve had that thought!

That person should stop complaining, stop being so negative, get their act together, stop fussing about traffic (or whatever), calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Really, they’d be better off. I’m sure of it.

Pause.

Are you really sure?

Yes! So annoying!

Can you be absolutely positively sure, though? Is it entirely true that they should stop complaining about that? Are you sure their life would be better, or yours?

Well…I think so, to be honest. Without all that fussin’ it seems like they’d be happier.

How do you react when you believe this thought?

Arggh. The split second their complaint is uttered I have my own, er…I guess that would be a complaint…

….oh. heh heh.

Like there’s a rush of energy that is against, resisting, defending, not wanting to HEAR those words, that noise, that tone.

But who would I be without any of these thoughts? The person utters their comment, they look distressed or flustered or upset, and I don’t have the thought that they shouldn’t be?

Hmmm. It sure does stop the mechanism of either fixing, helping, addressing or also being concerned in the same situation.

Yes, I notice a spacious feeling. A tenderness towards that person. And a detachment, a freedom from an old way of being with someone who is apparently unhappy.

I might notice, without the thought that they shouldn’t be complaining, that I listen. I wait. I hear that they wish things would go faster. They may feel afraid, worried, sad.

I may be moved to reach over and squeeze their hand. Or remain quiet. Or move away to something else.

I turn the thoughts all around: they shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about them complaining, I should stop being so negative about them, or about myself, I should get my act together in their presence (great practice!), I should stop fussing about their fussing about traffic (or whatever), I should calm down, chill, relax, get quiet, stop caring about “x” so much, quit being so concerned about “y”.

Phew! True!

“For me, no one is too tense. They’re as tense as they need to be. Obviously, perfectly….How does it feel to give someone something without the thought that we have to please them? So we give something and our story keeps us from realizing our goodness. I hand you the cup and I tell the story ‘she’ll like me if I do that’. But if I just hand you the cup, without that story, I feel my service, my goodness and my dedication to you.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my story that you should stop complaining so that I can feel better, I may hear your words, and serve.

Automatically. Without thought.

“How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are. As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, complainers, for showing me the way.

Love, Grace