I am sooooo excited today to learn that the Breitenbush Winter Retreat in The Work of Byron Katie is filling up beautifully. We have plenty of folks registered.
That’s not always the case. Last year the winter retreat got switched from Breitenbush to my house in Seattle with seven people attending.
What?!
But it’s not always an easy time of year to travel, and the resort is deep in the woods of the Oregon Cascades. One has to fly to Portland, then rent a car. It will take us six hours to drive there from Seattle. There’s no cell phone service, nor internet.
Perfect.
My husband Jon will be accompanying me. We made a little introductory video we shared on facebook. Sending it to you now with our joyful invitation to you to join us in this somewhat odd time (is it true?) for retreat, December 6-9.
Sometimes, I’m so happy an event with The Work is on the horizon, my hands are clapping.
I forget, there’s also a part of the mind that’s so full of moaning and groaning, wailing and lamenting that says “Do I have to? I don’t wanna! Waaaaaah!”
That voice or resistant part of mind will complain about anything, even doing The Work. Even having such an amazing job as doing The Work.
It loves to complain.
Which happens to be our third month topic in Year of Inquiry: complaining.
I love looking up words, and their etymology.
Com is Latin for bringing together, merging, intensifying, pressing together. It shows up in the beginning of so many words, to emphasize the intensity of whatever follows.
And then “plaint” meant to beat one’s chest. Grieve, moan, bewail.
It’s quite dramatic, and yet we refer to complaints often as things we shouldn’t bother bringing up. Irritants. Unimportant. Unaccepting.
“Stop complaining about the weather!” we might say. As if there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, so stop. Pull it together and try to enjoy yourself for a change!
At least, this is what I discovered when I realized my complaints were most of all about……complainers.
Yup.
They’re so negative. Why don’t they stop?
I couldn’t see the plank (or is that “plaint”) in my own eye.
So here’s an exercise we all did in Year of Inquiry that you might find very helpful if you find yourself complaining, whether inside your own head or verbally speaking it to others:
What’s wrong with this thing you’re complaining about, for real? What don’t you like about it? What bothers you? What’s the very absolute worst that could happen if it never stops?
Traffic, lateness, time, work, money, weather, procrastination, mess, family, dirty dishes, tone of voice, inefficiency, taxes.
What’s one of your most common, persistent complaints?
The thing I love about The Work, and looking directly at this “problem” we perceive in reality, is instead of brushing it aside and trying to ignore it, we’re treating this complaint with some respect.
We’re turning towards it, to understand this predicament better.
As I looked at my old co-worker (the one I thought was the star complainer) I could see that as she spoke I became worried too. Her complaining was so discouraging.
I was upset about all the things she mentioned: her neighbor, her car, her health, the environment, her upbringing, poverty, this organization we worked for, mean people, liars, eating troubles.
It was like a big balloon within me let all the air out and I felt defeated, and unable to solve any of the terrible problems she shared. Sad, sad, sad. Bringing me down.
Bewailing! Groaning!
Underneath my belief she shouldn’t keep complaining all the time, was another more serious story to question: Reality is tough, life is hard, bad things happen, the world is harsh, people suffer terribly, you have to watch out.
Ah, but can I absolutely know that it’s true?
If I think these fearful thoughts, if I notice I keep saying the same upsetting comment to myself, if I keep feeling bothered by some life activity or a person I encounter….
….then the moment is worthy of inquiry. I want to investigate.
Is it really as bad as I think?
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie
That joy is in everyone, always?
Really? Hmmm.
But let’s see: the moment you’ve been complaining about, you know, that one?
There is no joy anywhere to be found in that moment, anywhere. It doesn’t exist. It’s not possible. No Joy. Ever.
Can you absolutely know that’s true?
Are you sure your perspective is the ONLY perspective in this complaint-worthy moment?
Are there other things in the environment, like a relaxed rug, a comfy chair, a quiet soft sofa? Is there oxygen dancing everywhere? Is there a pillow, a book, a happy mug of hot tea? Is there a desk ready to serve 24/7, a bright computer, a smooth cool notebook?
Are you sure every story is sad in this moment? Or is it just a thought?
In Year of Inquiry we’re in Month 3 and guess what the topic is?
COMPLAINTS.
In some ways, this is really all The Work is ever about….you know what I mean? What I complain about, what I’m at odds with, what I dislike, what I find stressful.
Complaining is perhaps a lighter, more common way of saying “I am arguing with reality on this one! I object!”
It’s a bit hard to look at complaints honestly sometimes. We’re told we’re not supposed to complain, we’re not supposed to be negative or drone on about something we don’t like, we’re not supposed to bring other people down, we should be positive.
But, I’ve noticed…even if it’s in my own mind…complaining appears to happen. And what a relief, and even rather fascinating, to listen to these complaints and hear them, for once, instead of trying to get away from them or rejecting them in a flash.
The other day with the YOI group, as I was considering any voices I heard within that appeared to worry, object, complain….I remembered a place I’ve experienced a MAJOR COMPLAINT:
Those other people shouldn’t complain! He shouldn’t complain about traffic. She shouldn’t complain about the weather. They shouldn’t complain about the leadership.
I discovered, when it came to my own complaints, I always had the same repetitive thought about some people in the world: They complain. They should stop!!
A great exercise to find your own objections to and complaints about the world, to life, to any situations you don’t find pleasant….is to take fifteen minutes, get a pen and paper or your writing device, and make a list of things you find complaint-worthy.
You don’t have to call them “complaints” if you don’t like that word, or it’s been drilled into you to never complain. You can call this a list of things that scare you, bother you, trouble you. Things you wish would change fairly frequently.
Then, once you have this list in front of you, you can ask another question (we all did this in Year of Inquiry): What if this behavior, style, manner, words, condition, situation, person….never, ever, ever stopped? What’s the worst that could happen? What would you hate about that?
So, for my complaint about other people who complain….I ask myself “what if they never stop complaining, ever?”
What would be bad about that?
I’d be stuck listening to them forever
I’d never ever want to be around them
I’d always have this one “problem” at work
I’d never relax when in their presence
I’d be angry every time that person came near me
there’d be nothing fun or good, ever, about hanging out with that person
You have your own list.
And how wonderful to have a list like this…because then you can begin to take your concepts through the self-inquiry process called The Work. You can make your concept what you’d say about the present moment, since you can’t really know what will happen in the future.
So for the person I thought of who complained constantly (in my opinion) I would see her in my mind’s eye, talking and talking about all the terrible things she’s encountered, and consider my thought:
I’m stuck listening to her forever.
Is this true?
Yes. I’ve been at this job 4 years and she’s never stopped complaining.
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
No. I’m not actually “stuck” listening to her. I can excuse myself and walk away. I’m treating myself like I’m a victim here, trapped. It’s a little weird. And not true.
How do I react when I believe I’m stuck listening to her?
I stay and nod politely. I smile. I think about when I can get out of here and go to my own cubicle to start working. I look at her and pretend I’m listening. I wish she’d be quiet. I’m not honest. I don’t know what to do. I recognize I have thoughts about what people are supposed to do to remain polite. I feel irritation towards this person.
Who would I be without this thought that I’m stuck listening to her?
Pause.
How interesting this word “stuck”….like I’m actually unable to depart, move, make a suggestion, connect. Everything with the thought is about escaping. But without the thought?
Hmmm. I’d see someone over there who really wants to connect. She’s singing a song, and it has a minor tune. She’s worried, lonely, anxious. She doesn’t seem very happy. Without my thought that I’m stuck listening, I notice I’m free to come and go as feels right. I care about her. I feel compassion for her. I actually even like her. She has a very sweet face, and absolutely beautiful eyes.
Without my belief, I feel a deep breath. I feel a gentle touch, reaching out to put my hand on her arm. I don’t have to wait for her to take a breath between sentences, I just move away. I feel kind, and open, and silent.
Without the thought, when I arrive at work, I simply begin my tasks and allow the quiet of the office to settle around us all. I don’t feel the weird push-pull angst about stuck-ness, or the worry about being polite, or the concern about making sure she feels heard. I’m back in my own business, doing my own work, listening, or speaking up and saying “I’m going to work now”. I feel a deep sense of joy within.
Where did that idea come from about being “stuck” listening?
From me. Not her.
I have options to move in the direction that feels right, without my belief that I’m stuck listening, if she’s complaining or voicing concerns. I notice this isn’t a repeat of my childhood with my grandma (which I could also question THAT situation).
This is a different human being, with her own life and experience, and I am free. We both are.
Turning the thought around: I am NOT stuck listening to her forever.
Ha ha. Not by any stretch of the imagination. This was a job I held for five years, and I saw her Monday through Friday, and only for short chunks of time on those days. She was right next to me in a cubicle, but there were many minutes and hours when her chair was unoccupied, and so was mine, or when we were both working and not speaking. Far more minutes of quiet than of talking, honestly.
I was never, ever stuck.
My thinking was stuck. That’s another key turnaround. My thinking was like a broken record, repeating itself every time she approached “oh no here comes the complainer”. My thinking was constantly and forever complaining about HER.
The last turnaround: She is stuck speaking to me forever.
Could she have been stuck NEVER getting a satisfying response, or an honest reaction, from me?
Um, yes. I didn’t connect with her truly. I didn’t speak up and ask her more questions, or say what didn’t sit well for me, or wonder about her opinions, or treat her like a whole, viable, important human being in my life who obviously had an important message for me personally. I didn’t say what didn’t work. I play acted. She was stuck speaking to the non-me forever.
I love that complaining person was in my life. She showed me how to share, connect, listen and speak up….as well as how to stop listening when it was time and move to the tasks I was supposed to be doing. I appreciate her immensely.
(This is really, really true).
“The basic realization that other people can’t possibly be your problem, that it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem–this realization is huge. This one insight will shake your whole world, from top to bottom. And then, when you question your specific thoughts about mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, boss, colleague, child, you watch your identity unravel. Losing the ‘you’ that you thought you were isn’t a scary thing. It’s thrilling. It’s fascinating. Who are you really, behind all the facades?” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you want to look at an important relationship, like a co-worker who just can’t stop complaining….or mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife, boss, colleague, child….we’ll be doing it at Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center in Oregon Dec. 7-10. Fabulous people are flying in to Portland. Come join us for this winter mental cleanse. Read more about it HERE.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you find yourself complaining about food, eating, your weight, your body shape or size, compulsive behavior….then Eating Peace Process is beginning on Tuesday and it will close for participation this year at noon on Nov. 14th. We go for five months and it’s a wonderful time to spend in The Work with a small group of people wanting to explore eating at the root level, and find clarity about ourselves and our behaviors with eating. To read more visit HERE.
Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016
It’s time!
BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.
Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.
An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.
Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.
24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!
(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).
*************
What a victim.
Seriously.
Did you hear him say that?
I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.
This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.
All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.
He’s such a victim.
Yeah, I agree 100%.
Refer him to someone else.
No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!
My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1st avenue downtown….
….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!
Ew.
Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?
I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.
And how his former wife created real war against him.
Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.
That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.
But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.
And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.
No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.
Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).
This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.
It had the feel of….
.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”
I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.
Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.
So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.
Like a whisper.
Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?
What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?
Wow. Yikes.
Interesting.
It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.
“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.
“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”
He looked up, as if out of a trance.
“OK.”
He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.
Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.
Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.
“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”
Is it true?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.
Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?
Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?
Oh.
Wait.
You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?
I took a deep breath.
I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.
I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.
Was he?
Could I absolutely KNOW it?
Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……
No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.
How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?
Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.
Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.
I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.
So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?
Wow.
It feels a little detached. Is this OK?
It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.
Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).
I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.
Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.
Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.
What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?
He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.
Kinda funny, right?
Let’s look.
He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!
(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).
He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.
I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).
Why should he be as he is?
Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.
Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.
Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?
Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.
The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.
What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.
Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?
Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?
Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?
Ha ha. Yes!
“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.
As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.
Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?
Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.
Nice.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.
Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.
I am definitely going to be at the New Year’s Cleanse with Byron Katie Dec. 29-January 1st. If you are there, I would LOVE to hug you and say hello. If you recognize me, come say hi.
This month in the Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups we’re looking at our
complaints.
As we began to dive into them this week, it was really interesting how first our Tuesday call, then our Thursday call just last night both had to do with measuring something and having it come out too much, or too little.
Not so surprising, when it comes to complaints.
You can try this exercise yourself.
Sit down with a pen and paper, and write for 5 minutes the following prompt:
I complain about ____ because _____.
Just write it over and over again, making a list, adding all the things you complain about regularly, but only for five minutes.
People in YOI felt like they barely got started, there were so many.
I think of it as a certain kind of voice or energy, the complainer. Once you tap into it, it begins to almost ramp up and collect like a crowd gathering in a stadium.
Louder, louder and louder.
Finding fault or imperfection in practically anything and everything.
Nothing’s just right the way it is.
In the Tuesday group, we took this belief to inquiry: “it is inequitable”. People could find this around work, tasks, money, lifestyle, love.
In the Thursday group, we found “it is too expensive.”
Woah.
Isn’t it funny how the mind sees what is not fair, not equal, too much for me, too little for me, too much for you, too little for you….just weighing and measuring incessantly?
You may notice these thoughts appear on a regular basis in your mind.
But who would you be without them?
Without the belief that something is too expensive, or is inequitable…unbalanced, unfair, unevenly distributed, not enough, too much?
It doesn’t suddenly mean it doesn’t have a big ticket price…but without the repetitive belief that it’s true true true and that’s bad bad bad, you’re back to an inner calm.
You get to choose.
You get to free yourself from being sure things are going wrong, or dangerous, or threatening. That numbers mean you have less, or more. That there is limited supply and you need to be careful.
Try it today and see what happens.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
The definition of a complaint in the dictionary is an ailment, disease, affliction, protest, objection, grievance, grouse, sickness.
It comes from the word lament. Grief. Sorrow.
We’re told we should never complain and that people who complain are irritating.
It seems true.
And yet…I noticed once that I was complaining about complainers. I had objections to these folks. But I was doing the same thing as them….
….wishing they would stop so I could be happy.
One fantastic way to dive deeper into understanding the whole process of complaining, whether you do it internally or say it out loud, is to write down every complaint you can think of in five minutes.
You might be surprised at how many you can think up.
I wish it wasn’t so late, I wish I had more time, there’s a pen mark on the couch, someone should have emptied the dishwasher, I wish the chicken was hot, I don’t want to go buy bananas, I thought there was gas in my car already, I don’t have time to book my tickets to the retreat, I didn’t write that other email very clearly…
I mean, it can go on and on and on.
What I’ve observed over time is that I have some of the very same complaints over and over. They’re like a broken record, playing repetitively.
Those are juicy ones for inquiry.
But after you look at these in more detail…you might have fun taking a look at the overall big picture…and seeing what happens if you inquire.
Let’s do it!
There are things that are wrong, and I object to them! They’re irritating, annoying, frightening, infuriating!
Is that true?
Yes. There are things everywhere that are upsetting, imperfect, unfortunate and worthy of complaint!
I mean…EVERYWHERE!
Can you absolutely know this is true? Are you sure?
I almost don’t know how to answer that question. It seems true. Even considering it not to be true is sort of….unusual. I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Nothing to complain about? Impossible!!!
How do you react when you believe there are so many things worthy of complaint? When you really believe its true that things are imperfect and wrong around here?
I spout off complaints. I try to find solutions. I “work” on solving problems. I try to fix the complaints and get them handled.
It’s a big project. It’s never-ending.
Well…who would you be without the thought that there’s something to complain about?
Pause.
I’m almost silenced. Without the belief that there’s a lot to be upset about here on planet earth, in my life, I’d be….I’d be….
….wow. I’m not even sure who or what I’d be.
“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I wouldn’t be a victim. I’d be here. Now.
I’d be looking around the space I’m in, noticing the air, the feeling of this place. I’d have eyes taking in the scenery, I’d have a body doing what it does, I’d hear a dog bark and a car motor somewhere nearby, I’d smell the lotion on my hands, I’d have a mind drinking everything in.
Turning the thought around….
….there is nothing to complain about. Nothing.
“Not even knowing what’s true–just knowing what’s not true is enough, because what that leaves is the great surprise. And all you can know about it is its nature. And so you begin to live a fearless existence.” ~ Byron Katie
Just to see what its like to not believe you have something to complain about….woah.
Empty. Quiet.
“Often, the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow…Really happy people aren’t pursuing happiness, have you noticed? But you think they got it because they pursued it! What’s not told to you is that the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow. Even if we attain something that gives us some happiness, we know that whatever we’ve grasped won’t last forever. Even a great spiritual experience!….In the midst of all this is the sacred. Causeless happiness.” ~ Adyashanti
What if your complaints are innocent, but also…unnecessary?
What if you could decide to simply relax, rest, and not take your complaining seriously?
Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.
We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.
Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”
Oh boy. I’ve thought that.
Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!
Give it a rest!
Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?
Let’s begin.
She should stop complaining.
Is it true?
Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!
Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?
No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.
How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?
Rats. Did you have to ask me that?
I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!
I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.
“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby
Gulp.
Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?
I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.
I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.
Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.
Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.
I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.
I relax.
“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico
I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.
She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.
Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.
I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.
I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.
What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?
Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.
Because I can. It’s not so hard.
I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.
Can you?
“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World
