I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).
Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.
I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.
What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?
Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.
There they go again, driving me NUTS!
I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….
….and BAM….
….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.
First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.
You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.
Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?
Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.
This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.
In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.
What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.
Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:
- It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.
- You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?
- Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.
- Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?
- Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.
- Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.
- Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.
- Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.
I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”
Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”
Oh.
Doh!
(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).
I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.
With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.
And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….
….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.
And it was over.
Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.
Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.
Much love,
Grace