Tag: loving what is

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there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

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You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again. 

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing. 

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is.  When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

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When the student is ready…the story will appear. Or so it seems for me, today.

 

For two days, my primary focus has been sitting with Byron Katie (as she is streamed via video from Switzerland) and a beautiful group of people sharing complete silence together in between all the sessions.

This may sound a little funny….like not that exciting, or perhaps even difficult (I’ve been on very difficult silent retreats before when my mind was very active), or maybe weird that it’s all on video so how could this be “real”.

But oh my.

Am I ever glad I have done this for 3 years in a row, even though this year my venue went away last minute, I had to grab something site-unseen and I thought it wasn’t going to be so nice being in the city center (one of my thoughts) and I thought I was going to “lose” money, blah blah blah.

None of that logistical, financial or detail stuff matters at all, in comparison to the beauty of questioning stressful stories, hearing Katie answer peoples’ questions, hearing the incredible work the people in Switzerland are doing.

Here’s one thing I know.

I would not sit still like this, with 3 hours of silence in between sessions (just like the folks in Switzerland). I wouldn’t take the morning walk in silence where we all intentionally walk together in walking meditation. I wouldn’t write out my own thoughts, taking note, doing The Work with people in between sessions if they’re really upset or confused. I just wouldn’t give myself that (this is also a story, I realize).

The way I’d do it on my own is to watch it in segments, get up, walk away, pause the video, do laundry, answer emails, answer the phone, NOT write worksheets or contemplate the astonishing concepts people bring forward on my own.

People in the retreat in Switzerland have done worksheets on death, extreme violence at the hand of a parent, the meat industry, needing the love of a partner, wanting mother to be different. Their situations are so beautiful, and amazing, and such teaching for those of us who listen.

One of the participants did The Work on life today. What a big wide-open concept. She was worried, actually terrorized, that life was dangerous or something terrible could happen.

Katie asked us all, during a 3 hour silent break, to think about any times in our lives when we were not OK, and to write them down.

When was I not OK?

Part of me was thinking I know I’m OK….I’m completely OK so far.

Yet, I still had visions and pictures of the times appearing in my mind, even though I’ve done The Work on major aspects of these situations.

I had fun writing them anyway.

  • When I lost all my money and couldn’t pay the mortgage
  • When my former husband said he didn’t want to be married anymore
  • When my sister cut me off
  • When one of my best friends betrayed me by reporting me to the Department of Health for a completely false reason
  • When I tore my right hamstring off my right pelvic bone
  • When I learned I had cancer–a sarcoma tumor on my thigh
  • When I learned my dad was dying of leukemia many years ago

The thing is….I’ve found great peace by doing The Work on all these things. I’ve even found that I’d welcome them happening again (almost) because of the learning, the total OK-ness, that resulted.

I wanted to go back further, though.

I wanted to follow Katie’s invitation to write about Father-Mother-Sister-Brother from the distant past. The things that happened where original beliefs were born.

Like the first betrayal, the first awareness that I would die, the first awareness that my mom or dad would die, the first time I hurt myself physically, the first fight with a sister, the first sadness with a best friend.

I just couldn’t get into it.

Too old. Too far away. Not possible. I don’t feel upset, and I can’t even remember it anymore.

Then. Something happened.

I decided to walk during the 3 hour break. I felt a huge draw to move through the neighborhood of this darling house we were calling our Being-With-Byron-Katie-Silent-Retreat house.

I walked past a Open House for sale, only a few blocks from our retreat. I suddenly realized, I’ve been here before. I broke silence for a moment when the real estate agent approached me in the very quiet house. I said I grew up near here and pointed out the window across the water to another neighborhood about a mile away.

She whipped out her phone and looked up my high school sweetheart’s name in association with the houses on the street.

He lived two houses away. This house was one of his friends’ house. My friend Isabel lived 5 houses away. My friend Sarah lived 8 houses away.

I left the Open House and walked twenty feet to the front of my high school sweetheart’s house. I suddenly remembered walking up the hill to visit him. I remembered walking up the same hill to visit my friend Sarah in sixth grade.

I followed my same path I took many times back to the family home I grew up in, and took a photo.

Everything was coming back to me, like a huge early saga of a movie. I felt nostalgic, and sad, and full of longing, and love, and amazement that here I was, my future 56 year old self, visiting from the future….which was the NOW. None of those nostalgic or sad emotions filled me, they were in the background. They weren’t ALL of me, like so many stories have been.

I mostly felt….gratitude.

There’s the house of Mr. Glass who my dad liked so much, there’s the short-cut up from the play field, here’s the little grocery store where it was such a big deal to walk down the street and get an ice cream bar or some kind of treat, here’s the elementary school, here’s the street where I learned to drive and cars can’t even use it anymore–it’s exclusively closed for walking, there’s one of my best friend’s house where I got served pancakes by his kind mom Mrs. Miller who was also super nice when my dad died.

How lucky can one person be?

To be shown this visit, so that I remember some other times I thought I was not OK that were early. Boyfriend breaking up with me. Sarah moving to White Plains, New York. Fighting with my sister and throwing her clothes out of the window. Mom getting breast cancer. My skin color dividing me from others. Feeling fat.

I can go there.

I can do this work.

I can remember, on purpose.

Byron Katie said to us yesterday (I’m paraphrasing so I can’t put quotes around this one): I’m asking you to go to Hell. I know this is not a little thing. But there are four questions you can take with you. Don’t go, in fact, unless you take the four questions. But in Hell, with these questions….peace becomes possible.

Anything is possible.

What I love noticing is, how safe we are right now, as we go in our minds to that hellish place or that terrifying, awful place, or that sad place we remember.

I am so very safe indeed right now. I am so surrounded by abundance, and the support I need right when I need it. I’m almost shocked with the perfection of it all.

And today, because I just happen to be someone who loves the work, and who therefore arranged this retreat, and wound up renting this retreat house, which happened to be near my old neighborhood of my childhood (all of which I could never have planned)….

….I’m ready to do The Work on things that weren’t available to me before. They appear now. Memories. Situations. Hellish times or even just slightly bothersome ones. Rising up for inquiry.

And I love whatever appears to you, in your particular life, is just right for you, too. Whatever bugs you. If it’s present, you can inquire.

“Just to notice what is, is love.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to join our Being With Byron Katie Retreat for the second two days (Monday 7/10 and Tuesday 7/11) here in Seattle, there are people who have to go to work tomorrow, who won’t be at the retreat house with us–so there is room for you. Email me.

P.P.S. The photo above is right by our retreat house, down the hill, and in my old neighborhood where I grew up. Portage Bay Lilies.

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The Do-Do of believing in requirements

docknight
Remembering….nothing is required.

Last night, I was leafing through my well-worn book Loving What Is.

I was thinking about time and how I needed more of it.

How I want to hike Mt. Dickerman before the summer is over, connect for meals or walks with some important friends, clean out the shed, finish the doggone book proposal that’s been on the back burner for two years, create the first webinar for the new Year of Inquiry peeps, go on a date with my husband, add a little more time to meditation silence each day….

….and once again I wondered what it would be like if I really remembered every moment that there is nothing truly required. No place I’ll get to that’s “it” after I do all these things.

No way I can exert pressure or force change on my environment, the people I’ve known, the situations I’ve encountered that I find troubling, frightening, sad, or necessary and feel peace.

There is no way I can do everything my mind pictures or suggests to me. No way I can see every place I learn about, or read every book, or get it all done.

There is no way I can avoid heartbreak, or difficult things happening….like disappointment, or death.

A voice dimly shouted “Get to work!” like I should start the list, or start something, anything. It was an unusual day, after all….nothing on the calendar at a set time. Many things could be done, but nothing required for happiness.

Nothing required for happiness.

What a strange concept, right?

I’ve been so conditioned, it seems, to figure out (I love the way the words “figure out” are so mentally oriented) where this life ought to go, for it to be the greatest show on earth….

….or at least a really good one….

….and I’ve been told Nothing Will Happen Unless I Make It Happen.

I’ve got proof of those people who didn’t do anything, and tanked.

No success, no service to others, nothing noble, no enlightenment before they died, no major impact on the human race, no invention that stops global warming, no big accomplishment, no wild adventure that could be made into a Hollywood movie.

Sigh.

(This one again, Grace? Come on. How many times do you have to inquire about…..)

Deep breath.

I have to make stuff happen. This moment, not enough is happening. I need to make MORE happen.

Is it true?

Suddenly, remembering what a funny thought that one is, that I have to be the get-it-done person, or else (terrible images).

I mean, this just isn’t true.

There’s a problem in this moment….not true.

Not even close.

I know what I’m like WITH the thought there’s a problem, and I need to make stuff happen so I’m better off or more successful later on.

I’m tight, snappish. I don’t stop working on these things I think are valuable, that help the effort to get somewhere very important.

My daughter interrupts and I say with some sharpness “not now, wait five minutes”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….but really? Is this such an emergency and so important I can’t answer her question, and cook some dinner with her?

Who would I be without this story?

Noticing how much fun I have in movement, and in slowness. It moves back and forth, flowing strong, then soft.

It doesn’t have to be turned on, turned up, going 100 mph all day without stopping to be called “successful”.

Without the belief it’s required to make stuff happen, I might sit on the front porch and talk with an old friend on skype for awhile, then go on a bike ride.

I might reflect on how I’ve heard that the man Siddhartha, who became known as Buddha, fried so very hard to find wisdom that he practically killed himself with aesthetic spiritual practice for years.

Even WITH the thought….I may notice I don’t tackle the list, and instead, I still bike ride.

Who is this “I” that’s noticing the Task Master anyway? Or the Lazy Do Nothing-er? Or the images of what will happen if (Do or Not Do)?

Without the belief that I must “do” I notice I actually DO do.

That is, I enjoy doing some things. I adore writing. I love to read. I like talking closely with a friend one-on-one. I like exchanging emails with people asking about space in Year of Inquiry. New ideas float through. I schedule my first “livestream” for Thursday at 1 pm without really knowing what it is or what I’ll say or if it will work.

I notice the Way of It is someone loving writing, getting up and drinking some water, asking my husband a question about his day, hearing silence, eating a juicy nectarine, watching Mooji on youtube, or leafing through Loving What Is.

Remembering happens, that this is it, nothing more, no later future like tomorrow. THIS.

Loving What Is, page 53.

Katie: If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.

Inquirer: I see. So….we cause our own problems?

Katie: Yes, but only all of them. It’s just been a misunderstanding. Your misunderstanding. Not theirs. Not ever, not even a little. Your happiness is your responsibility. This is very good news. 

Maybe this also includes when I think my mind is causing problems, or money is causing problems, or the body is causing problems, or the mosquito bite itch is causing problems.

It’s all a misunderstanding. My happiness is my responsibility.

Now.

This is very good news. Very, very good news.

The best news I could ever imagine in the world. That without believing my stressful thoughts (or any thoughts) are true in this moment….

….I’m not only sane. I’m happy.

Thank you, Four Questions.

And if that’s a big jump to take, start on the first “problem”. Get with others and do The Work. Take a telecourse, call the Help Line, find a partner, answer the questions, attend a meetup for The Work, joinYear of Inquiry.

Get it in your bones and see what happens when you let go of “doing” and simply question what hurts, instead.

Much love,

Grace

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Why do The Work? (+ early bird YOI closes tonight at midnight PT)

h-c-YOI2016

I am beyond-excited about the new participants who have registered for Year of Inquiry 2016-2017.

I feel so touched that people raise their hand for such a long commitment….an entire year.

One of the biggest considerations people have is wondering if this process of doing The Work steadily will “work”.

It’s kind of a funny question to answer.

Because, if you know anything about this brilliant process called The Work of Byron Katie, you know it’s powerful, deep, simple and liberating….and there are no guarantees.

When someone asks me if I think doing The Work will work, whether they’re thinking about Year of Inquiry or any other program involving self-inquiry, I actually want to find out more and ask them questions.

What do you need it to “work” for?

What are you having troubles with? What do you object to about your life? What else have you tried? How will you know if it’s worked? How will you know if it hasn’t worked?

What I’ve noticed about my own life, is when I have Great Expectations for something and really feel a deep conviction that something MUST WORK, I’ve got a bit of fear.

Or a lot of it.

I remember this was my feeling the first time I called a therapist, and scheduled an appointment. Ok, Ok, my mom called the therapist. But I felt utterly desperate. I so wanted to understand myself, to heal my crazed eating patterns, to quell my anxiety, to see if I could relax and find hope about my world.

This was also my feeling….fear, desperation….when I first attended a Twelve Step Meeting for people suffering from addictive drinking, although I was there because of my eating (they didn’t have an Overeaters Anonymous in the place I was temporarily living at the time, but they did have AA and someone said to go anyway).

It seemed like extreme suffering, secrecy, pain and shame drove me to seek help.

Those two processes–therapy and 12 Steps–changed everything for me. It was like some lights got turned on in a very dark room. I found support, care, love and new ways of sharing I never imagined possible.

I started connecting with the world more more, rather than being such a reclusive scaredy cat, especially amount my emotional life.

Fast forward to about twenty years later.

I’ve graduated with a master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science because I’m just so dang fascinated with the human mind, human actions, human thought.

I’ve gotten married, stayed at one job for several years, bought a house, made friends, had two beautiful children (home births), taken writing classes, and no longer ate my head off when I was upset.

I was clearly not desperate and terrified anymore.

Not like that other dreadful way, that felt like I was small, lost, suicidal and frightened in a big enormous and strange world.

And yet….

….I had a kind of feeling of deep angst within, if I really thought about it, when it came to my true spirit.

I still had a constant question inside. I still felt uncertain, troubled and like life was one big fat question mark–and I didn’t like it.

What is life for? Is this happiness? If you stop feeling broken, is that all there is? What about deep peace? What is this place (earth)? Why am I here? Why was I so screwed up in my twenties? Can I make sure my kids don’t suffer as much as I did? What is God? What is faith? Did I make a mistake? What would I have faith “in” if I had it? Did I do enough today? Why do terrible things happen? Why don’t I like that person?

How can I understand All This?

Because I didn’t really feel like all there was to life was getting over feeling mentally ill (eating disorder, depression, anxiety) and being “normal”, whatever that was.

Right?

Over the years I read volumes of books on spirituality, religion, peace and self-improvement or personal development. I went to est. After my master’s degree, I spent another $15K on a one year Life Coach training program. I bought all the books on “success”. I watched the movie the Secret.

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those—they were all great, actually.

But then, I came across the book “Loving What Is”.

I was sooooo intrigued.

There was no cheerleading, no positive affirmations, no creating plans, no training for a future, more successful moment later on.

It was about this moment, here, now. No matter what was happening in it.

And what I thought of it.

No guru, no teacher, no key, no special religion, no right answer needed.

Only the time to consider and contemplate, to wonder about my thinking, to meditate on situations I thought of as horrible….

….and take them through four questions, and then find turnarounds, just as an experiment, not as anything I “should” do or “better” do, or else.

The invitation was peace.

True peace was something I still dearly wanted.

And it’s been an amazing journey. (Not over yet, I notice).

What I love about The Work is best described at the very beginning of the book Loving What Is:

“The deeper you go into The Work, the more powerful you realize it is. People who have been practicing inquiry for a while often say, ‘The Work is no longer something I do. It is doing me.’ They describe how, without any conscious intention, the mind notices each stressful thought and undoes it before it can cause any suffering. Their internal argument with reality has disappeared, and they find that what remains is love—love for themselves, for other people, and for whatever life brings. The title of this book describes their experience: Loving what is becomes as easy and natural as breathing.” ~ Stephen Mitchell, husband to Byron Katie, Introduction to Loving What Is

After reading Loving What Is, it took me awhile to really “do” The Work. I didn’t have patience for it one minute when I tried it on my own.

I also developed a raging inexplicable fever the first time I went to see Byron Katie. (I was trying The Work on one thing I was most ashamed about in my entire life–an abortion. Next time remind me to start out a little slower).

I went to the School for The Work and had insight after insight popping in my mind, so stunned I didn’t sleep more than four hours a night for 9 months.

You mean, all my suffering could be altered, my experience of life completely changed, by identifying my painful thinking and asking if it was really true? Seriously?!

WOW.

But I still wouldn’t sit down and DO The Work all by myself.

Then someone touched my arm at a Byron Katie event and said “can I hire you as a facilitator?”

Oh. Hire me. Um. Well. Hire me?

Yes.

She worked with me for three years straight. A brilliant inquirer.

Or should I say….I worked with her for three years straight.

Because that’s what every person who shows up to work with me is. Someone to do The Work with. My work. My teacher, my family, my guide, my coach, my friend, my colleague, my companion.

They are a part of my world….and this world has become absolutely brilliant.

Now, THAT, is a story worth keeping.

As people in The Work for awhile joke, “This is my (new) story, and I’m stickin’ to it!”

We really have no idea where this story is going.

But it’ll probably be better than anything we could have ever imagined.

Considering that, all hatred driven hence, 

The [mind] recovers radical innocence
And learns at last that it is self-delighting,
Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,
And that its own sweet will is Heaven’s will.

~ William Butler Yeats(printed in Loving What Is, by Byron Katie)

If you find yourself drawn, and yet you do not “do” The Work as deeply as you’d like whether on your own or with others, then maybe Year of Inquiry is for you. We start September 1st with Orientation, and September 8th is our very first call.

It’s for those who love self-inquiry, have seen the joy it brings, and who need to connect with others to keep it alive and shining.

For people like me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For those who have questions (I’ve received a bunch) on what are the fees and how did I come to them, the logistics, and what exactly is included in YOI….you can visit the YOI web page, but here’s the short version:

In a nutshell….with a business expert a few years ago, I wrote down every program I’ve ever done myself, or heard directly about, focusing on personal transformation and understanding thoughts, feelings, and peaceful human behavior, and came in under most.

  • Individual therapy $740 per month/ $8800 per year.
  • Group therapy $450 per month/ $5400 per year.
  • Life Coach training  $8,000-$15,000 per year.
  • School for The Work $5500 for 9 days.
  • The Forum $550 for one weekend (plus many more courses).
  • Context Trainings $595 weekend (plus advanced courses).
  • Meditation retreat with favorite teacher $525 (5 days).
  • Geneen Roth Women, Food and God Retreat $1845 (6 days).

The normal YOI full program fee is $3200 including everything and $2275 for All-But-Retreats YOI for a 12 month program, a private group through June, then Summer Camp for The Mind 5 days a week.

This crazy early-bird helps me prepare and get the group together before we even start. It’s $2700 for full YOI and $1900 for All-But-Retreats.

Refund: Anyone can withdraw before November 1st, 2016 for a full refund minus only $100 per month (September and/or October). Take 60 days to feel it out and decide. You’ll be treated from the start like a part of the team, but if it’s not for you, no questions asked.

Schedule: We meet on teleconference call, password protected, using skype, webcall, or simple phone. Tuesday 8:30, Weds 2:00 pm, Thurs 5:30 pm PT. All 90 minutes. Come to one, or all, of the telecalls. These meet 3 weeks of every month.

Once a month at the beginning of the month, we’ll have an intro webinar on that topic, and you’ll be guided through the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. It will be recorded.

Everyone gets access to YOI via Slack, a really cool custom private online forum you can put on your phone and your computer. We stay connected together all year.

Partner Work: Everyone gets to Casual Partner or Training Partner as followed in Institute for The Work 1-4-1 partnering. You choose.

Two retreats Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 and May 2017

To learn all the greater details, please visit the Year of Inquiry web page right here.

“When you believe your thoughts, you suffer….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

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Are you telling (and questioning) the same story over and over again?

samestory
are you questioning the same story over and over again?

I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).

Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.

I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.

What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?

Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.

There they go again, driving me NUTS!

I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….

….and BAM….

….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.

First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.

You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.

Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?

Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.

This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.

In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.

What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.

Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:

  • It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.
  • You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?
  • Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.
  • Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?
  • Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do  you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.
  • Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.
  • Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.
  • Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.

I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”

Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”

Oh.

Doh!

(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).

I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.

With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.

And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….

….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.

And it was over.

Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.

Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.

Much love,

Grace

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I shouldn’t be judging this…..but I am

This month has so many wonderful gatherings in it, whether in person or on the phone, I’m soooo excited.

*Meetup North Seattle (at Goldilocks Cottage) Sunday, 11/8 2-4 pm.

*In-Person 8 Month Group Sundays 3-6 pm starts 11/22 (only one spot left now)

*Eating Peace free webinar Thinking Peace, Eating Peace November 8th 8:30-10 am PT

*Eating Peace Online 3 month program starts 11/17 (huge early-bird discount ends 11/10)

**************

The other day, I was watching someone in a deli while they were eating.

Have you ever found yourself gazing at people with fascination?

This person had no idea I was looking. I was waiting in line some distance away, he was facing a huge window, looking out.

The bites of food this man took were all very quick, almost like he was tossing in the finger food he was eating, some kind of chip. He then ate something that looked like chocolate covered raisins, and in between, huge fast bites of a sandwich.

He had a really big belly, I noticed, but otherwise fairly balanced in size and shape. He looked tall, but not super tall. Husky, strong.

Then I noticed the thought drift in “he’d be good-looking if not for that belly.”

And on the tail of this idea….the thought I shouldn’t think something like that.

The lack of acceptance continues!

Why don’t I just look and see, without judgment?

Do you ever notice yourself judging yourself for having a judgment?

I shouldn’t judge people for being slow. I shouldn’t judge people for being overweight. I shouldn’t judge people for being rude. I shouldn’t judge people for being controlling. I shouldn’t judge people for being needy. I shouldn’t judge people for interrupting.

I should be more accepting. All the time.

But I notice THAT thought being stressful too.

Who would you be without the belief that a) you should stop judging, and b) that you ARE judging when you think thoughts?

Can you make yourself stop thinking?

If you try….good luck with that.

Who would you be without the belief that your mind is your enemy, and it’s too judgmental?

Hmmm.

Kinda different, right?

We’re always thinking we should be super cool peaceful, accepting and gentle-minded all the time.

Embarrassing to admit the judgments….especially when we’ve learned they’re mean and persnickety and childish.

But what if you gave your childish thoughts some time, and allowed them to be heard?

Who would I be without the belief that man I watched eating would be better with a flat belly?

And, without the belief I shouldn’t notice my mind having the thought in the first place?

I may notice the great interest and attraction I have to the state of Not Grabbing, of Slowing Down.

With eating, or with anything wanted and reached for, I love calm.

I notice speed or need for anything can be questioned.

It doesn’t mean you should question it, if you enjoy and love the attraction.

How funny that it can be dropped, or fade away, through pausing and wondering if it’s true I need that thing, that item, that person, that feeling, that condition.

Turning the original thought around, that I shouldn’t judge the man’s body…..

…..I should judge it.

My mind is a thinking machine, spewing out judgments all day long.

How is it OK that I judge?

Well, I can see that this judgment is a very small part of me. It pops up out of the wide open ocean of thought. It’s not the entire truth of me (whatever that is) in that moment, watching a man eat.

It tells me what I prefer, what I don’t.

It reminds me of my own journey, and how many millions of bites of food and thoughts I took in my life that were fast and unconscious, and how stuffed my stomach sometimes became, and how desperate I once was.

There may be judgments you have, that you recognize, that simply show you which way to move.

They beam you towards what you find more appealing. It’s OK that you like and don’t like. It’s all change-able, it’s all moving constantly.

“I prefer bottled to tap water. I buy it at a gas station or a grocery store or the little shop in the hotel. I look at the brands of bottled water, curious to see which one my hand will choose, and loving that I never can know until it actually picks up the bottle. I enjoy the trip from the cooler to the cash register. The cashier is a man or a woman, young or old, white or dark or Asian. We usually exchange a few words. It isn’t a little thing. All my life I have been waiting to meet this person. I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

My preferences, my judgments, my stressful thoughts, my pleasurable thoughts….

….all the mind’s activity, coming into light and being honored, being seen, being respected….

….I love where they take me.

Whatever kind of journey my preferences take me on, I learn, and I love.

And often, I also laugh.

Hilarious: That guy shouldn’t be eating!
Much Love,

Grace

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Holding On To Nothing

outerspace
Who would you be without your story?

On retreat, where the focus of attention is being in silence and wondering about life, the noise of one’s own story can get very dim.

Or practically turn off.

Or not have so much meaning, or any meaning.

It’s weird.

Today I’ve been sitting in silence, feeling the quiet of the environment.

Doves cooing, a light breeze blowing through the open screened window, a murmur of voices in the far off kitchen.

Sound is present, and pictures float across my mind–even during meditation sessions.

That upcoming retreat, where I will apparently be the facilitator (although everyone will be facilitating themselves really).

My drive home–I get a flash of being on the road heading north, not south.

Noticing the thought “it will be Thursday” about when this will happen.

A feeling in the body rises up like a little flare–an ache in an area that was injured–then falls back down.

The thought of sleepiness, and idea “I could get coffee” and watching the body not move, and not go to sleep either.

A tune falls through the space, from inside my head, a song I find hilarious and love dancing to “I’m so fancy….”

Why is that song repeating itself, when the last time I heard it was over a week ago probably?

Shoes inside of slippers, weight of blanket, flashes of color from a prism outside shining in the sun and sparkling in a circle through this living room.

So much happening, in this now.

Everything so temporary, like a match being lit, shining, burning out, smoke.

Is this the “I am” my friend Nisargadatta talks about, the thing underneath all stories, the thing that watches everything pass by?

Coming out of nothing and nowhere, going into nothing and nowhere.

Who would you be without your story…..of this world?

Watching it.

Understanding nothing.

Trusting. Loving.

“We each have our private salvation project…..but if I can learn to be happy even though I’m not getting my own way, that’s the end of suffering.” ~ Richard Rohr

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74 

Much love, Grace

 

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Is Loving-What-Is Passive?

If I do The Work, and become completely and totally fine with everything, no longer at war with reality….

….what would keep me from lying down on the couch, doing nothing, never planning, not trying, not getting organized, getting little done, never succeeding greatly, or caring about any upcoming activities?

If I love what is, then why bother making a to-do list, or having a goal, or creating plans for a desired outcome?

This is a very interesting question many people have about “loving what is” and what they imagine it might look like.

Could “loving what is” result in Nothing Happening? (Horrors!)

Wouldn’t that be….like….boring, or depressing, or apathetic?

Wouldn’t someone be a new-agey space case if they zoned into loving what is, all the time?

Good question.

And, no.

Notice how the mind will come at “loving what is” from every angle, just to make you doubt the process of inquiry?

I love doing The Work on this very concept….

….that doing The Work would lead to some kind of zombie brainwash, where you never cared or got upset, or made plans.

Who would you be without the belief that allowing everything to be as it is, or even loving what is, will be dangerously lacking in pro-activity or direction, or too passive or nicey-nice?

Who would you be if you really relaxed?

Woah.

I notice the less anxious, the less movement towards thinking about the future, the less focus on whatever terrible thing might happen later, or what terrible thing already happened…

…the more I’m in the sweet spot.

The middle.

Not full steam ahead, not lying on the ground.

Kind of an action, without great effort, without trying to hold back falsely.

“When you move in the Tao, you are always present. Life becomes absolutely simple. In the Tao, it’s easy to see what’s happening in life–it’s unfolding right in front of you. But if you have all kinds of reactions going on inside because you’re involved in the extremes, life seems confusing. That’s because you’re confused, not because life’s confusing….Eventually you will see that in the way of the Tao you’re not going to wake up, see what to do, and then go do it. In the Tao, you are blind, and you have to learn how to be blind.” ~ Michael Singer 

All I know is, the more I do The Work, the more I question what my mind thinks is true and has stories about…

…the less frantic, worried or stressful energy, the fewer detailed plans.

But as Byron Katie says, I still pack my bags if I’m going on a trip, and leave at the appropriate time to get to the airport.

It’s just way more fun doing it.

And if the plane is late, that’s fun too.

Love, Grace

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Can You Feel Love In This Moment?

Yesterday I got to spend time in my all-time favorite wonder of all wonders…..what is All This? Who am I? Where am I? Is it true?

Who would I be, what would I be, without thought, beyond thought?

Wow.

Either these are the most fun questions on the planet, or the most fun answers.

I am gathered in a small group of people who I adore. Even if I’m not sure of everyone’s family details or I don’t know major events in their lives.

It doesn’t matter.

There is a deep sense of everyone showing up with great love, being 100% in, committed to each other, listening to our hearts, accepting our minds, feeling our bodies, cherishing the words of the teacher we’re with (Ross Oldenstadt).

But the teacher is ultimately….the feeling of being alive.

Hearing the stories of awakening, searching and suffering from Ross and from the other people gathered is so intimate, like the sweetest thing I could ever taste in the world.

That moment.

And now….in my hotel room….

….Is this moment just as intimate, loving, spectacular, joyful?

Woah.

Yes.

If you aren’t sure you’re having a good moment today, maybe even right now as you read these words……double-check to see if it’s true that it’s not a good moment, or could be improved.

Are you sure?

Can you be absolutely positively sure?

How do you react when you believe THIS is not great. When you think it could be a little better. You could be more enlightened, other people could be nicer, the weather could be sunnier, you could be more successful, you could be healthier, you could be richer?

How do you react, what do you notice, when you think this isn’t that great, or that something is missing?

Dang.

Dissatisfied. Resentful. Gathering energy to renew forces on the Moment Improvement Project.

But what if right now was the most brilliant, stunning, loving, safe moment you could ever want or need?

Take a deep, deep breath and see if you can find the presence of loving kindness, tenderness, safety, joy, excitement, richness, abundance, and health….right now.

Not later, NOW.

In this room where I sit I hear a soft hum, very steady like a fan. The desk under my forearms as I type is cool and smooth. I smell the soap and feel clean after a shower. There are papers, a can of sardines, two apples, a hard drive, books, pens, a paper clip, someone’s business card.

Stuff is everywhere. The world is overflowing in this room, there is so much in here!

A screen brightly glowing that sends and receives messages to people and from people all over the world.

If you’re not sure this moment is amazing…don’t worry. 

You don’t have to think anything. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re a little disappointed with the moment. Or enraged.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

As long as I think the cause of my problem is that there is something missing, in this moment (including inside me) I’m suffering in paradise.

I notice the very same thing I feel with all my friends here, and Ross, during retreat, I also feel right now, typing on my laptop, brushing my teeth.

“A prince who believes himself to be a beggar can be convinced conclusively in one way only: he must behave as a prince and see what happens….With experience will come confidence…” ~ Nisargadatta

What an awesome, fascinating, peaceful moment this is right now.

Maybe yours is too?

Check to see.

Love, Grace