 |
Why am I on about this topic?
Because in the money course underway right now an entire handful of participants wrote to me or shared with me that they feel guilty, ashamed or upset about the way they were with money at some point in their lives.
At least four of the comments I received from participants in the money class were about events they felt embarrassed or troubled about that happened in the past two weeks.
Not the distant past (although those can bring on shame as well). But yesterday.
I can relate.
I have a few items that might be considered shame-worthy crossing my mind recently, too:
 |
- I just opened an envelope containing this piece of paper above. I have the money to pay this bill and have no idea what happened, I don’t remember ever receiving it. What do they think of me? Embarrassing.
- I have three different events I want to attend including a memorial service, all of which require plane travel next summer. I feel bad about the cost and not sure what to do yet. I’m greedy if I do them all.
- My husband paid for two nights at Cannon Beach, Oregon over the past two days and it’s very high for his salary as a preschool teacher–it was a gift but I keep feeling torn that I should contribute, but I also don’t want to. I’m so selfish.
- I should put every extra penny into the plans and building of this second small cottage in our backyard which will be the final home for my mother. I have the secret thought she’s going to live until she’s 100 and I will never recuperate the cost or pay off the mortgage, and I should absolutely pay off the mortgage.
- I need to leave my kids money, so I should just focus on work. I was too irresponsible and screwed up in my past life. I need to pay now.
I could probably find more.
And by the way, in the past one of the worst things I did with money is I shop-lifted when I was at college for no good reason, it seemed. I had the money. I resented having to count every penny and be so frugal and work as a waitress. So one day, I stole laundry detergent and toothpaste and other basics, and put the $20 back in my pocket for “fun”.
What I love about The Work, is if something feels and appears really, really true….and is really, really stressful…
….I can question it.
It’s that simple.
These stories and pictures flash through my head, and I can believe them, or question them.
I notice I like it much better when I question them. I love that I have that option in this lifetime. It’s an incredible option, and truly life-changing.
So let’s do The Work.
I thought the wrong way, did the wrong thing, acted selfishly with money….is that true?
Yes.
I should be completely free and “get” there’s no need to worry about money. I should pay attention and not be a flake with bills. I should be more clear, and generous, and relaxed. I shouldn’t complain. Jeez.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
No. What’s the reality of it? I’m not always at ease when it comes to money. I make mistakes. I want to sneak spend on travel or education, when I think I should be saving. Sometimes I don’t want to share. I compare with others who did it “right” over many years and saved for retirement, which I did not.
No, I can’t know it’s absolutely true any of it should be different. It happened.
How do you react when you believe you screwed up, or you better be careful and watch out, or you shouldn’t spend or have a mortgage (which means “death” in French) or a Past Due notice?
I feel bad, bad, bad. Embarrassed. I imagine the way I would look if I was carefree and light and breezy and I think I should act like that.
I feel deeply apologetic.
So who would you be without this dreadfully stressful story of money and how bad I’ve been with it?
Wait.
You mean, NO THOUGHT of having been bad with money?
But that’s impossible. I have proof. (See above list, and that doesn’t include volumes of other examples I can surely find if I consider my entire life with money).
This is just a question, though. It’s wondering what it would feel like without believing in the absolute truth of this painful story?
This isn’t an invitation to enter the land of denial. It’s noticing who we’d be without the story entitled I Am Bad With Money, by Grace Bell.
What if you were doing the best you could in every moment involving money? Would we do any less than the best we knew how, given the fear or trauma or confusion we’ve had about right, wrong, true, false, wounding, healing, enough, not enough?
Ahhhhhhh.
Without the story of money and me and all the angst of the past and the projection into the future….
….I’d relax. I’d be very present in this moment here, now.
I might even chuckle about the Past Due notice and how I received it a few hours after facilitating the money class today.
How nutty is that?
I’d notice I’m human. I’d notice how strange, and inexplicable and joyful and funny it is to be human.
I’d notice how comfortable I am, typing away here, drinking tea, looking at a whole bouquet of small orange roses from Valentine’s day still sitting in a vase of water on the table near me.
Turning the thoughts around:
I thought the right way, did the right thing, thought selfishly about my own mind (especially when it came to money).
How could this be just as true? Well, when I believed money was required for happiness, fun and comfort, and that I couldn’t get enough of it or could lose what I already had….then my thinking matched this story of danger, worry and loss.
I did exactly the right thing that anyone would do who believed what I did about money. I sought protection, safety, rest. I was confused.
I should NOT be completely free with no need to worry about money. I should be a flake with bills. I should NOT be clear, and generous, and relaxed. I should complain. Jeez.
I could say so much about this turnaround. How terror, instead of pretending not to care about money, brought me to the deepest clarity I ever could have imagined. I finally asked for help. I questioned the worst case scenarios in my head. I got really open about my complaints. I stepped forward like I never knew I could to meet money. I started this powerful work in my life, with true sincerity.
Nothing made me do The Work like my relationship with money. Well, death, sickness and betrayal are up there near the very top, but the fear of not having enough money was stunning.
It showed me where I doubted the universe had my back, where I thought I was inadequate or undeserving, where I thought I needed to hold on for dear life or else I would suffer even MORE later on.
Who would you be without your story?
If money has given you it’s greatest support, being the way it is, what’s been great about the way it’s come and gone? What is it inviting forward in you?
What’s the BEST thing that could happen now, if everything that’s happened so far has been important to experience, for your own awakening?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I made a new Peace Talk 135 the other day, and it’s right here on itunes.
P.P.S. you can substitute anything or anyone you feel a troubling relationship with into this inquiry: mother, father, sister, brother, partner, boss, co-worker.