Tag: shame

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The solution to shame: showing what you really feel (come work it at autumn retreat)

One of the most powerful experiences of transformation I’ve ever encountered is to truly, honestly, openly and without shame (or, even if I do have shame) express my feelings, and be witnessed by others.

Thirty years ago, I was in a powerful weekly group process for 3 years where we looked closely and deeply at our troubled feelings, and shared them.

We showed them to others.

Instead of talking about fear, or sadness or hurt….we cried, screamed or spoke the story we were believing with an honest heart. Self-consciousness dissolved. The energy changed.

Something’s been happening within me for the past several years where I’m connecting this honest expression of feeling with self-inquiry and The Work, which seems to require thinking.

It’s been underway as a weaving together for a very long time. In this autumn retreat coming up, we’ll gently and kindly spend more time allowing the feelings that appear. We’ll notice them, encourage them, be with them.

I love these feelings, our inner world–the temple bell that says “time to inquire”. If you’d like to join me in the honoring of your inner life, and self-inquiry, then consider coming to northeast Seattle in three weeks to be in the adventure of loving kindness with who you are, even when you believe un-believable and very troubling thoughts.

Especially when you believe unbelievable and troubling thoughts. Join me in the retreat by signing up here.

Speaking of unbelievable thoughts. I’ve had kind of an embarrassing thought that’s reared it’s head lately again–but also many times in the past.

I shared about it on facebook today. I keep forgetting to tell you all I’m doing a facebook live every single Tuesday at 4 pm Pacific Time. The video gets recorded and posted immediately on my facebook page here.

The stressful and slightly embarrassing thought I’m bringing to The Work today?

“I don’t have enough money. I want more.”

In my facebook video, the story I told from ten years ago felt like a threat to my very survival.

When I had the thought recently it was different. But both times, I definitely felt ashamed.

This more recent kind of not having enough is like a sorrowful, complaining, piteous kind of Not Enoughness.

I just want more.

I already know I don’t neeeeeeeed more. It’s not urgent, it’s not an emergency.

But by comparison those other people have so much more than me. And I hate it. They can do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, decorate however they want, have whatever they want, spend their time however they want, go wherever they want.

And what makes it worse is, I shouldn’t be complaining about this. There are starving people in Africa. I’m such a greedy American. It’s ridiculous. Poor baby can’t have her electric car or gym trainer or yoga retreat.

Yikes.

That sounds so harsh, right?

I work with so many people who have stressful thoughts, and then think they’re being horrible people for having them.

I can relate. But even if embarrassing, I still have the belief “I don’t have enough money”.

I don’t have enough money for doing lavish things I’ve seen in the movies or heard about from time to time like hiring a plane to take me to an island. I don’t have enough money to go on another retreat. I don’t have enough money to do nothing all day.

Instead of hitting yourself with harsh-ness for having a thought, let’s actually do The Work instead. Because it’s sweet and loving and very kind to give yourself the care and attention of looking at a thought that feels true.

Here are my favorite questions to ask first, when it comes to thoughts about not having enough money:

1) What would you have, if you had all that money you dream of and could acquire the things you want? Success? Rest? Ease? Freedom? Security? Look at those other people you’re comparing yourself to….what do they have that you don’t have?

2) What’s the worst that could happen if you never, ever get that amount of money? Lack of fun? Failure? Lack of comfort, or care? Will you suffer?

Is it true I don’t have enough money to have freedom, fun, joy, comfort, security right now?

Can any amount of money guarantee any of these things?

Haha. No.

Do you really need more money to gain time, happiness, safety, or freedom?

You might genuinely be able to attain a little more comfort. You might get to sit in a chair that cost $3800 instead of $38 and notice it feels a bit softer or looks more elegant.

But as Byron Katie says so beautifully….sitting is sitting.

Is more money really seriously required for you to be happy right now, in this moment?

Are you sure you need as much as those Other People, who have millions? Are you sure you aren’t equally capable of obtaining as much as them, whether it’s money or other interesting adventures in life?

Who would we be without our beliefs about wanting or needing MORE?

Wow.

I’d feel very connected to those others. I’d trust they need what they have, and I need what I have. I’d be aware that money comes and goes and moves about and stays or doesn’t, like the weather.

I’d notice I love receiving money and trading it for other things I need like food, or heat, or clothing.

I’d notice how much fun this is, like a game instead of a serious dilemma. Just as much fun to be connected and play and delight in money as in lack of money.

Turning the thought around: I do have enough money. I don’t have enough supportive/clear thinking (about money). Money doesn’t have enough of me.

Those qualities or conditions I want from money? Perhaps it’s time for me to give these to the world, to others, to money itself: support, service, respect, comfort, ease, freedom, love. I could give these qualities to others, to the world, instead of grabbing for them in this situation.

Today I received two registrations for fall retreat within an hour, and suddenly my thought about not having enough people signed up went away.

Until.

I thought about the two empty rooms with king sized beds still available for participants to stay onsite that are not yet filled. I’ve already paid for them. I won’t get reimbursed if no one stays there. I’ll lose money. It will be bad. I need more money for those rooms.

LOL.

Who would I be without this thought?

Noticing I watch, wait, write, act and it’s a big wonderful magnificent dance. I have no idea how many people will be sleeping onsite until October 17th.

I don’t know how many people will attend retreat until it’s over.

Recently, as you probably know if you read Grace Notes, I got to attend and witness so many beautiful people doing The Work during a 3 day retreat I was not leading. One person left after the first day. Slipped away without saying goodbye.

Reality shows us who is supposed to be there and who is not.

How very, very exciting. What a wonderful sense of trust, joy, and action. I notice I still speak or share about the upcoming retreat, but no one has to come.

If no one showed up at all (which appears to be untrue based on the list of committed folks I have…but you get the idea)….

….if no one shows up, then I notice I get 4.5 days of silent, peaceful, quiet retreat time to do The Work on my own and really be my own facilitator in a way I could never imagine in my past life. Isn’t that truly what I always wanted, to be friends with silence, and my inner emotional world, and my thinking?

What a spectacular fun turnaround scene to notice in the mind in my imagination: that if no one came, or no money showed up when I think I want or need more, no vacation or skin treatment or new bicycle was ever possible in my entire life (or anything I think would be nice)….

….that I’d know I did my best, I stepped forward with courage and willingness, I’m not wrong or some kind of greedy weirdo, I treated money as a loving friend not an enemy who’s teasing me or leaving me out, that I questioned my stressful opinions and found humor and joy.

Who would you be without your story of Not Enough?

Much love,
Grace
P.S. As I mentioned, when I was in my late 20s, I was in a drama therapy and primal/gestalt corrective parenting group for three years. Fifteen years later I found The Work.

In autumn retreat we’ll listen to our emotional experience and listen to our bodies as we do The Work. There’s no shame in our feelings. They point us to our stories. They tell us and show us what we’re believing. Come join me in this transformational Work of Byron Katie. Questions? Hit reply here or call me 206-650-1230.

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Put yourself back into reality when it comes to you and money (or any disturbing relationship)

Let’s talk about shame, guilt and unhappiness on facebook live today (Tues Feb 20) at 11:00 am Pacific Time. The way you can find the video, even if you don’t join live at 11 am PT, is to head to my facebook page here.

Why am I on about this topic?

Because in the money course underway right now an entire handful of participants wrote to me or shared with me that they feel guilty, ashamed or upset about the way they were with money at some point in their lives.

At least four of the comments I received from participants in the money class were about events they felt embarrassed or troubled about that happened in the past two weeks. 

Not the distant past (although those can bring on shame as well). But yesterday.

I can relate.

I have a few items that might be considered shame-worthy crossing my mind recently, too:
  • I just opened an envelope containing this piece of paper above. I have the money to pay this bill and have no idea what happened, I don’t remember ever receiving it. What do they think of me? Embarrassing.
  • I have three different events I want to attend including a memorial service, all of which require plane travel next summer. I feel bad about the cost and not sure what to do yet. I’m greedy if I do them all.
  • My husband paid for two nights at Cannon Beach, Oregon over the past two days and it’s very high for his salary as a preschool teacher–it was a gift but I keep feeling torn that I should contribute, but I also don’t want to. I’m so selfish.
  • I should put every extra penny into the plans and building of this second small cottage in our backyard which will be the final home for my mother. I have the secret thought she’s going to live until she’s 100 and I will never recuperate the cost or pay off the mortgage, and I should absolutely pay off the mortgage.
  • I need to leave my kids money, so I should just focus on work. I was too irresponsible and screwed up in my past life. I need to pay now.

I could probably find more.

 

And by the way, in the past one of the worst things I did with money is I shop-lifted when I was at college for no good reason, it seemed. I had the money. I resented having to count every penny and be so frugal and work as a waitress. So one day, I stole laundry detergent and toothpaste and other basics, and put the $20 back in my pocket for “fun”.

What I love about The Work, is if something feels and appears really, really true….and is really, really stressful…

….I can question it.

It’s that simple.

These stories and pictures flash through my head, and I can believe them, or question them.

I notice I like it much better when I question them. I love that I have that option in this lifetime. It’s an incredible option, and truly life-changing.

So let’s do The Work.

I thought the wrong way, did the wrong thing, acted selfishly with money….is that true?

Yes.

I should be completely free and “get” there’s no need to worry about money. I should pay attention and not be a flake with bills. I should be more clear, and generous, and relaxed. I shouldn’t complain. Jeez.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. What’s the reality of it? I’m not always at ease when it comes to money. I make mistakes. I want to sneak spend on travel or education, when I think I should be saving. Sometimes I don’t want to share. I compare with others who did it “right” over many years and saved for retirement, which I did not.

No, I can’t know it’s absolutely true any of it should be different. It happened.

How do you react when you believe you screwed up, or you better be careful and watch out, or you shouldn’t spend or have a mortgage (which means “death” in French) or a Past Due notice?

I feel bad, bad, bad. Embarrassed. I imagine the way I would look if I was carefree and light and breezy and I think I should act like that.

I feel deeply apologetic.

So who would you be without this dreadfully stressful story of money and how bad I’ve been with it?

Wait.

You mean, NO THOUGHT of having been bad with money?

But that’s impossible. I have proof. (See above list, and that doesn’t include volumes of other examples I can surely find if I consider my entire life with money).

This is just a question, though. It’s wondering what it would feel like without believing in the absolute truth of this painful story?

This isn’t an invitation to enter the land of denial. It’s noticing who we’d be without the story entitled I Am Bad With Money, by Grace Bell. 

What if you were doing the best you could in every moment involving money? Would we do any less than the best we knew how, given the fear or trauma or confusion we’ve had about right, wrong, true, false, wounding, healing, enough, not enough?

Ahhhhhhh.

Without the story of money and me and all the angst of the past and the projection into the future….

….I’d relax. I’d be very present in this moment here, now.

I might even chuckle about the Past Due notice and how I received it a few hours after facilitating the money class today.

How nutty is that?

I’d notice I’m human. I’d notice how strange, and inexplicable and joyful and funny it is to be human.

I’d notice how comfortable I am, typing away here, drinking tea, looking at a whole bouquet of small orange roses from Valentine’s day still sitting in a vase of water on the table near me.

Turning the thoughts around:

I thought the right way, did the right thing, thought selfishly about my own mind (especially when it came to money). 

How could this be just as true? Well, when I believed money was required for happiness, fun and comfort, and that I couldn’t get enough of it or could lose what I already had….then my thinking matched this story of danger, worry and loss.

I did exactly the right thing that anyone would do who believed what I did about money. I sought protection, safety, rest. I was confused.

I should NOT be completely free with no need to worry about money. I should be a flake with bills. I should NOT be clear, and generous, and relaxed. I should complain. Jeez.

I could say so much about this turnaround. How terror, instead of pretending not to care about money, brought me to the deepest clarity I ever could have imagined. I finally asked for help. I questioned the worst case scenarios in my head. I got really open about my complaints. I stepped forward like I never knew I could to meet money. I started this powerful work in my life, with true sincerity.

Nothing made me do The Work like my relationship with money. Well, death, sickness and betrayal are up there near the very top, but the fear of not having enough money was stunning.

It showed me where I doubted the universe had my back, where I thought I was inadequate or undeserving, where I thought I needed to hold on for dear life or else I would suffer even MORE later on.

Who would you be without your story?

If money has given you it’s greatest support, being the way it is, what’s been great about the way it’s come and gone? What is it inviting forward in you?

What’s the BEST thing that could happen now, if everything that’s happened so far has been important to experience, for your own awakening?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I made a new Peace Talk 135 the other day, and it’s right here on itunes.

P.P.S. you can substitute anything or anyone you feel a troubling relationship with into this inquiry: mother, father, sister, brother, partner, boss, co-worker.

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The Work of Byron Katie on Personal Shame. Begin.

Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, disgusted with yourself is one of the worst feelings ever.

If you’re like me at all, I used to want to hide in a closet and never come out if I felt embarrassed about something I said or did.

I ate. Or smoked. Or went to movies to take my mind off myself doing that embarrassing thing, or acting that dumb way, or making that stupid mistake. I’d call myself an idiot.

I wanted to leave town and never show my face again.

If someone triggered me into an experience of feeling shame, I might also have thoughts like “that person is so mean, rude, controlling, nasty, immature, etc,” and judge the heck out of them.

They MADE me feel so bad!

Up until a few years ago, if I felt confronted by someone about a thing I said or did that they didn’t like, I might go overboard to fix it, make it so they didn’t think poorly of me, and then hope it was never mentioned again. It was like I couldn’t relax until I knew they liked me.

If I felt like someone had a poor image of me, I stopped answering their phone calls or efforts to get together. Too dangerous.

It’s powerful to look at what you’re thinking, and believing, when you feel ashamed.

I once had a friend say I wasn’t helping out enough around the meal clean up.

Instant shame.

My impulse was to rush to the kitchen and start frantically cleaning everything in sight. I actually DID jump up and move. It never occurred to me for a second to say my back hurt and I was stretching, so I’m opting out.

OMG! I could never say that! (It almost feels weird to write it even now, years later! Who cares about your hurt back, just suck it up and pitch in…..right?!)

What was really going on in the moment someone confronted me, or had a request, or criticized me….were thoughts almost entirely about my ego being bruised, my identity of Good Person being shattered.

  • She should think I’m awesome. At all times.
  • No one should ever be hurt by something I do or say.
  • I must be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People should all love me (and they don’t).
  • It’s not safe to have people dislike you–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back

One thing I noticed about these underlying fears were….

….they weren’t really about SHAME!

Shame was the reaction. Shame was what happened when I believed someone didn’t like me. Like a weird motivator of violence against myself so I’d fix me.

I was actually terrified out of my skull if someone moved away from me, thought critically of me, didn’t like something I said or did.

I was terrified because I thought I should be perfect and perfect meant never disturbing anyone else, ever. Maybe if they knew everything about me, they WOULD be disturbed. So I have to keep a lid on it.

Now….you can take this even farther by wondering if there’s anyone early in your life who you worried about their view of you?

My parents instantly come to mind, and today, my father.

He was very proper, upstanding, charitable, kind, not at all aggressive, thoughtful, and caring. He only showed anger once a year. He was very faithful in the church, and devoted. He was someone who in my eyes, and in the eyes of many, did the “right” thing. He never put his foot in his mouth, or bothered anyone, it seemed. He was a beloved professor to many students.

But somehow, it was clear that he also had very high standards. He disapproved of quite a few behaviors, and spoke of people he didn’t respect.

Just listening to his words, I vowed to make sure I would never be someone who he could talk about like this. I wanted him to love me all the time, and never be critical.

There’s RIGHT and there’s WRONG. I believed it.

Do you have someone who if they didn’t approve of you, you’d feel absolutely terrible? Has that actually happened?

Even if it hasn’t happened, you can hold that upstanding person in your mind, and notice the fear that enters if you think they MIGHT disapprove of you, or they are disapproving of someone else.

If you’ve done something that if THEY knew you did it, they’d reject you….you can imagine them finding out, and do The Work from this horrifying prospect: someone you care about very much KNOWS what you did, and they disapprove.

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true you need their approval? Is it true that because of the way it went in that situation, you are a bad person? Is it true you must always be perceived as generous, kind, patient, or good in some other way? Is it true you must never, ever, ever hurt anyone’s feelings, and if you do–FIX IT–or hide it forever?

Sigh.

It’s a lot of pressure.

I can’t really know it’s true. It’s hard to be good in everyone’s eyes. It’s hard to TRY to be perfect, to WORK at doing the right thing.

It’s exhausting, actually.

How I react, when I believe I need to be perceived as safe, good, and loving and “work” at it….is I don’t speak the truth, I’m very careful with most humans (especially anyone who reminds me of my dad) and I worry if someone doesn’t express praise, or approval, or doesn’t give me a nod or smile.

Holy Smokes. So stressful.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be good, right, upstanding, clear, loving, and not ever do anything that would disturb someone?

Wait. Really?

Are you sure it’s OK not to work at being the best possible person in the entire world that I could be (and this equals never bothering anyone)?

Yes.

Because it just doesn’t seem natural to have to work, and get all twisted in a pretzel to make sure you look acceptable, and accepting.

Who would you be without this stressful story that you need to be seen as upstanding, positive, healthy, nice, kind…whatever your words are that you worry about NOT being?

Who would you be without the belief you need to be approved of, by THAT person (you know the one)?

How could it be a good thing that someone hasn’t found you ideal, or perfect? How could it be of benefit that someone said “no” or “you did it wrong!”

Whew. I almost have no idea.

I’ve been operating as if this is a given for so many years, I can’t imagine feeling entirely free to be myself, naturally me, without shame or judgment.

And then….

….I feel it. Just a wee bit. Who I’d be, What I’d be, without the thought.

It’s so light. It’s exciting. Magnificent even.

Without the belief I shouldn’t impose on anyone, or be disapproved of, or be perceived as unloving….

….I am very happy suddenly. Like it’s just completely 100% OK to be whatever this is. Responding, being, connecting, disconnecting. Being a human. Not expecting myself to be more, or other than, human.

Turning the underlying thoughts around:

  • She should think I’m human, capable of foibles. At all times.
  • People should be hurt by something I do or say, when they are.
  • I must NOT be perceived as caring, thoughtful and kind.
  • People shouldn’t all love me (and they do–hee hee).
  • It’s not safe to have people like you (how interesting!)–they can hurt you, cut you off, ditch you, and stab you in the back. And, they can heal you, open you up, set you free, wake you up.

These turnarounds feel so much lighter, so much more true than the original stressful thoughts.

They are worth sitting with slowly, deliberately, and finding your own answers one by one.

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

~ Mary Oliver from the poem Wild Geese

For more sharing on shame and working with this stressful experience, listen to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 133 right HERE.

f you feel shame about something, my number one suggestion?

Pick only one moment where you believe you did it wrong, or you ARE wrong.

Write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that moment. Write down all your beliefs (it’s OK to hide it somewhere, so no one can find it and read it). Write down what you think the WORST thing is that could happen if the whole world was aware of this about you.

Then begin to inquire.

“Your separation from God has ripened. 

Now fall like a golden fruit 

Into my hand. 

All your wounds from craving love

Exist because of heroic deeds.

Now trade in those medals;

That courage will help this world.”

~ Hafiz, from the Poem Trying To Wear Pants

Much love,

Grace

P.S. My hands are clapping with the inquirers signing up for Year of Inquiry. If there’s any way to explore and dissolve shame, its with steady self-inquiry using The Work in the presence of other people.

I find no other way so helpful. Read about YOI HERE and scroll all the way down for fees, how the program works, and the schedule. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering. Join us. Your courage will help this world. At least, that’s my story.

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Shame & Guilt: looking closely instead of trying to rip them out

First Friday Inquiry Jam is tomorrow! 7:45-9:00 am Pacific Time. It’s for everyone, it’s free (donation if it feels right). You can listen-only through the Broadcast, or dial-in with phone or WebCall and have the opportunity to do The Work. We’ll start with me guiding you through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your sharing out loud, whether you’re in the hot seat doing The Work or listening, asking a question, offering an insight, is a beautiful way to connect us all together with this powerful process called self-inquiry. Join me HERE. If for any reason the dial-in or WebCall is full when you try to connect, join using the Broadcast feature.

***********************

So later this very day, Thursday at 1:00 pm PT I’ll be over on facebook live, on video. I do this to answer questions and share some of the biggest topics we notice come up and create arguments with reality!

Today, I want to talk about shame and guilt, because it’s coming up right and left lately in my Year of Inquiry group, solo sessions with people, and of course in troubles with food and eating or other compulsions.

Shame feels so awful to experience, right?

Must get rid of it….ASAP!!

But like other emotions and feelings (anger, for example) it may be here for an important reason. I mean, feelings, including shame or guilt, exist in reality, right?

So instead of wanting to crush them or freak out if we feel shame, maybe we can wonder about the message it brings.

Shame feels awful, no doubt about it. Nauseated, horrified, self-attacking (Why did I DO that? What’s WRONG with me?) and secretive.

Shame seems to say “hide this and never, ever, ever let anyone know about it”.

But what if we turned towards the thing(s) we feel most ashamed of and looked at them more closely, accepting them as a message or important dynamic we need to understand?

A wonderful exercise offered by Byron Katie in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” is to write down your most shameful experiences.

Ugh. I know. Gross. Do I have to?

Well, no one has to do anything….but to take a look at what you’re ashamed of can grow you up and open your mind in a way you might not have thought possible. So why not do it? It’s crushing and hard and depressing to keep the experience hidden, so bringing it out to the open fresh air may feel horrible to see as it lays there so ugly in the bright sunlight, but better than the alternative of continuing the way you’ve been going.

It doesn’t mean announce it on facebook.

You can find a trusted advisor to work with, someone who you know can work with shame with an open mind, too.

And if the trusted advisor is you (it is) then you can do it on your own–as long as you tap into the part of you willing to be accepting and open, no matter what.

Long ago, even when I stopped binge-eating and vomiting and over-exercising, I would NEVER want anyone to know I had been bulimic. It still feels like there’s an ever-so-slight worried feeling, like an old smell or sound that isn’t pleasant, as I think of sharing how I struggled with a decade of insane eating.

I used to think, at that time, I’d rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic because those sounded more rebellious and wild or Rebel-Without-A-Cause at least, not so ugly as stuffing your face or making yourself throw up in secret. I actually remember thinking I wish I was that kind of addict, because then I’d also fit in completely at AA meetings.

But that was not the way of it.

And the most important thing is not the overeating at all, but instead the inner workings of other events and ways of being I thought of as shameful.

I thought I should never be angry, selfish, rude, boisterous, bossy, grabby. I had so many “rules” about what I should behave like and what other people should also behave like, it was overwhelming to try to be my “best self” all the time.

I just wanted to be offline for once, to live freely without all those rules and regulations.

So a great place to begin your research into what ails you, what brings you to feeling shame, what your shame is telling you, is to simply write a list of what you’re most ashamed of.

I like to suggest writing only five. (Let’s not get carried away, OK?)

Then, you can begin to study these situations not as if you are the problem, but looking at it as if you are a part of a whole. Watching what thoughts you had running. What frightened you most, what upset you, what threatened you, or angered you?

What I know is, when you identify a person, place, thing, event that bothered you or deeply disturbed you in the past….

….and begin to investigate without freaking out….

….you may find a freedom you never thought possible.

It all begins with the question:

Is it true?

1:00 pm PT Facebook Live on shame today, for about 15 minutes. Ask questions (writing), listen, comment. Let’s talk about shame. https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/ If you can’t make it live, it’ll be there as a recording right afterwards.

Much love,

Grace

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My latest Peace Talk: the first time I did The Work (it made me sick)

sickdog
Listen to Peace Talk to hear my first time doing The Work, and feeling sick as a dog

Two people wrote to me yesterday and asked if they could get the masterclass replay Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Since I got asked twice, out it goes. Replay is now enabled.

To watch and listen to the MasterClass replay, click here. No opting-in. It’s yours, in service. This link will work until September 5th. This is the day before we start Year of Inquiry which I mention at the end of the masterclass–so it will be outdated after YOI begins.
So, if you want to look at it this weekend, or next long weekend in the United States, feel free.
Then it will go into review, revamp, update mode, or potentially be built into a longer series since there was just so much material to cover in two hours (yes, I know–two hours is a long time….so maybe listening to a part, then coming back later is the perfect way for you).

So speaking of those barriers (will she ever stop?) I was thinking about the Big Kahuna Number One Barrier again yesterday.

Which is doing The Work of Byron Katie on yourself. Not other people or things outside of you in your life. Just wanting to do it on YOU.
Now….here’s the funny thing.
I suddenly remembered that the very first time I did The Work ever in public was when Byron Katie came to my city and offered a weekend-long workshop. There were hundreds of people there.
And guess what I did The Work on?

Um. Yes. (After all this talk of not doing The Work on yourself).

Me.

That’s exactly who I filled out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on, even though we were invited to NOT fill it out on ourselves and instead consider someone else we might not have forgiven yet.

Me.

But here’s what I remember happened that amazing and horribly difficult weekend. I realized something profoundly important, even though I was “working” on myself.

That I might not be the awful monster I thought I was.

It was a huge beginning to an incredible journey of waking up out of a zombie trance of self-criticism.

So, can I really know it’s difficult or wrong, or even a barrier, to do The Work on oneself?

No.

If you’re one of the people who feels deeply compelled to question thoughts that bring you suffering about yourself, you might enjoy this latest Peace Talk Episode 120.

Even though I spoke on Peace Talk last time about doing The Work on yourself and what to do instead, or how to take it a bit deeper, in this episode I share what happened when I did The Work on myself, anyway.

During that first dreadful weekend workshop, I hardly spoke, I gave no one any eye contact, I never raised my hand (wouldn’t have dreamt of it), felt physically like death warmed over, hated what I wrote on that worksheet…..

…..but something shifted inside of me that was the beginning of the end of the pain…..

…..even though my worksheet appeared to be all about me. 

So even though I’ve gone on and on about Barrier #1 to deepening The Work being the way we want to do it on ourselves at first…..

…..there’s nowhere you can’t go with The Work and nothing that will prevent you from freedom, if you answer the questions.

(Peace Talk is also on IHeart Radio and Stitcher by the way, and it helps spread the word so much when you leave a review or subscribe).

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

This goes for ourselves, too. Thinking WE are supposed to do or be anything other than what we are is like saying something cray cray.

Investigate it.

Much love,

Grace

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No Greater Misfortune Than This

woman with mirror self-love
no enemies – including you

The Relationship Hell to Heaven telegroup all joined our session last night, ready for once to do The Work on thoughts about shame and guilt….

….towards themselves.

It’s one of the only times I ever prompt people to consider what they feel most ashamed of in a relationship they’re working on, so we can investigate.

I notice I have thoughts about myself, every time, in every relationship I’ve ever experienced that holds some kind of conflict or disturbance.

A co-worker from many years ago who I was so upset about because she criticized me and reported me to a supervisor.

I was ashamed of being ratted on, even though it didn’t wind up meaning anything terrible and everything was cleared up pretty quickly.

She doesn’t like me. I’m a loser. I did something wrong.

What about that time when I dated two men at once? One of them cared.

I was ashamed I was being sneaky, I was unclear about all my feelings, too scattered, disloyal.

Or how about my conflict with a very dear friend, and really surprising betrayal?

I was ashamed of her seeing me as unprofessional, even crazy, someone without integrity.

I’ve shared before that my worst, most horrible shame was having an abortion, and before that, having an eating disorder.

I thought of myself as a violent, selfish, completely screwed up human being.

The thing is….shame about oneself is a strange and tricky trap.

You get stuck in the mental story that you’ve done something terribly wrong and embarrassing, and this sick feeling in your stomach pushes that shame deep down like a thorn stuck inside, and you have to keep it from ever coming out, lest people discover the true and horrible you.

But who would you be without the story that there’s something wrong with you, or you did something unforgivable, or something’s missing, or you aren’t worthy, or desirable, or you’re a cheater, or a loser, or too “x” or not enough “y”?

It’s a lot to unravel at once, in these words…..maybe too much.

But just imagine who you would be without stories of YOU being OFF?

What if there was simply nothing to do, nothing to learn, nothing to forgive, nothing to fix, nothing to find, nothing to add, nothing to change, nothing to clarify, nothing to make sense of….

….about you?

Ha ha ha ha!

Can you feel the burden of shame get set down, with this idea?

Can you feel the connection to self-love and compassion, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done?

What if you’ve always been doing the best you can?

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

This enemy includes you.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Tell The Truth….The Way To Heal

When I was much younger, I had the good fortune to enter a therapy group for adults with no special “problem”.

It was simply a therapeutic group for healing, understanding, and…

…well…therapy.

The group was led by two wonderful, experienced therapists (a man and a woman who were colleagues) and whose intention was to help facilitate clarity in peoples’ lives.

I felt like the weirdo with the eating issues.

Ugh.

But when I actually admitted my concerns, my behaviors and what I went through out loud to the group, I got a big surprise.

Absolute acceptance.

People could even relate–even though they didn’t have anything close to an eating disorder or eating concerns.

They related on a human level of suffering, and felt compassion and loving kindness towards me.

I couldn’t have received this without telling the truth about my situation, my experiences of fear and anxiety, and my sadness and disappointment.

My advice now? Tell the truth.

It’s the way out of your world of secrets. And its much more fun.

Lots of peace,
Grace
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I Made A Terrible Mistake

Have you ever felt horrible because of your own behavior, after you already did it?

You can’t take it back. You can’t change it. It happened.

And then the thought….I will never, ever, ever let that happen again. I will never do that again. Ever.

Humans have all different kinds of qualities they feel terrible about showing to the world.

Snapping at strangers, firey anger, vicious words at someone you love, addictive behaviors….

….or perhaps you’ve found your tears, sobbing, neediness, clinging, or desperation to be the most horrible quality you could reveal.

I will never, ever be needy. I will never cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Ick.

But let’s say you did want someone’s love, you wanted something to go your way, you made a scene.

One of the best ways I’ve found to work with self-inquiry on feeling embarrassed, wrong and humiliated….

….is to really deeply be with the scene that created the uncomfortable trait to come alive inside you in the first place.

A memory:

I walk up the pathway to the elegant, stately old house with happy and excited energy running through my torso. I’ve chosen a gorgeous shirt in a beautiful deep blue color, sexy jeans, delicate and feminine high-heeled sandals. I’ve put on make-up, the perfect amount of mascara, frosted lipstick, hoop earrings.

I like the man who lives here. I think we might officially call ourselves “dating” now.

He’s invited me to dinner at his home, after many meals out, and getting to know him for awhile as part of a educational group we’re both enrolled in.

Last night….was a big deal.

In the hotel at a conference we both attended, I spent the night with him. It was thrilling, sensual, hot.

I was smitten.

And now, the very next evening, with visions of last night replaying over and over with a thrill….I’m invited for dinner, at his house!!

He answers the door looking dashing, and I hug him and he smiles but seems a little preoccupied. He takes my hand and leads me to the full chef gourmet kitchen and shows me the meal he’s cooking himself for us, a Thai feast.

And then.

“That was so interesting last night. I now get the meaning of Friends With Benefits.”

My heart collapses, a surge goes through my whole system. My stomach clenches.

I’m choking down the urge to cry. I will not cry, can’t show I’m shocked. I’m breathing shallowly, the feelings in my chest are churning.

Oh. That’s how it is. Oh.

I stay awhile, make light conversation, then say that I’m not feeling that great for some reason, make excuses, I’m sorry, then leave. He’s super casual, saying we can take a rain check, no big deal.

I will never, ever do that again. I will never let that happen, ever. I’m too trusting, too needy, I make assumptions. I’m a loser.

Is that true?

Deep breath.

No. I’ve worried about it being true, but I can’t really know it is.

How do you react when you believe you made a mistake? That there’s something wrong with you? That you shouldn’t have done it.

Horrified, ashamed.

Focused on that other person, in this case the man, and seeing ME through HIS eyes (the vision is awful).

Stop.

Who would you be without that thought, that you made a mistake…or that he made one either?

Without the belief that something went wrong, that you have to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Last night the Year of Inquiry group worked the thought, “I don’t fulfill my promises.”

Same stressful principle. I screwed up.

Turn the thought around: I will always, always let that happen again. I will make a mistake, blunder, make assumptions again. Definitely. I will accept that I am sometimes needy. I will probably cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Hooray!

Hooray?

Yes, hooray. Why not?

I’m a human being. So are you. Being human.

Being.

“When someone says the world is a terrible place, he becomes the champion of suffering, projecting that there’s something wrong here, something less than beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes you saying you are terrible….why not be simply, you. With flaws.

With a completely different tone and feeling inside, I say to the man now, looking back on that scene….

….”Oh! That’s how it is! Oh! How thrilling! Thank you so much for telling me the truth! The adventure continues!”

And actually, that IS what really happened.

I just didn’t realize it right away.

Maybe you haven’t realized how the mistake you made, that dumb thing you thought or did, was just perfect for what needed to happen next.

Much love, Grace

 

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It’s Not As Bad As I Thought (How Embarrassing)

Yesterday I saw several medical people, including a surgeon, about this injury I’ve been mentioning.

But today I am not talking about the injury, it’s about another interesting thought that began to invade, while thinking about appointments, hospitals, procedures, xrays, having pins put into bones, and what was going to happen next.

(I’m not getting surgery quite yet, outcome still uncertain).

Last night as I went to bed, I had the thought “what if I don’t even have surgery, at all, for this injury?”

Then just on the heals of that thought, embarrassment.

Like, wait. Everyone thinks I was going to get surgery and that I’m in dire straits, and now….I might just have a chronic injury that’s not getting better, but there may be time to wait and try a experimental injection, and perhaps other alternatives.

Someone very dear had brought me a care package. Someone else was drumming for me. A local church had me on the prayer list. Many people were sending wonderful wishes on facebook.

But what is this uncomfortable feeling?

A little like when a woman says she is pregnant, and receives many well-wishes, and then has a miscarriage.

I’ve had friends before who have had this not uncommon experience.

Some women ride along with it, talk with others, hash out what they imagine will happen next, visit the doctor, try to get pregnant again.

But some women feel…..embarrassed. 

Like they shouldn’t have said anything yet. Like the well-wishes were unfounded, not necessary somehow.

NEXT TIME, they say, they won’t tell they’re pregnant until they are well into the fifth month, or whenever is “safe” to make the announcement.

The stressful feeling descends in….for me I felt undeserving, kind of guilty. I was mistaken. 

  • I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions based on one doctor’s advice
  • People are worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m too much of a nervous ninny
  • I’m receiving support that I don’t deserve
  • What a whiner, this pain isn’t THAT bad, I should have realized this
  • I overreacted
  • People are giving me attention I’m unworthy to receive
  • People should help someone else in greater need

Oh, the sinking yuck feeling. Shameful almost.

Let’s take a look at these beliefs and investigate.

Is it true, that I overreacted, I shouldn’t have spoken up, I did it wrong, that I’m not suffering enough to deserve all this attention, focus, support?

Yes! I got carried away in reading on the internet, taking the first doctor’s advice very seriously, jumping to conclusions before having all the information.

I’m not in as bad condition as I thought. That isn’t good. That is BAD. I’ve misled myself and everyone else! God, what a loser!

Deep breath. Really? Can I know absolutely that all this is true?

No. I didn’t know before. I had no idea there were so many differing opinions about my injury. I don’t know if I’ve done it wrong. It’s not true that I am unworthy, or that I’m undeserving. Maybe I’m a nervous ninny, that’s OK.

I never had this happen before–the pain kind of worries me.

But I should be ashamed of myself? No.

“Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” ~ Brene Brown 

How do I react when I believe the thought that I revealed myself, in that moment, with fear and trepidation, received mountains of incredible support, and now…things are looking a little different.

It’s my fault.

Like getting a diagnosis of cancer, and then finding out it was a false positive.

Why can’t you relax??

How do I react? Embarrassment, shame, confusion, worried about what people will think.

So who would I be without the thought that I should have kept my medical condition to myself for the time being, that I shouldn’t have complained about my pain in public?

I would actually laugh. I would feel the fun of watching thoughts come and go, like a roller coaster ride.

I would notice how human I am, and how I think I’m supposed to know everything before it even happens, and that I got really scared in the last couple of days about surgery and photos of that surgery.

I would see how when I feel pain physically, my mind jumps up and starts working on it ASAP to find relief, and a conclusion, and an answer. This is sort of natural. It’s part of biology.

I turn the thought around: it is a good thing that I responded the way I did? That I reached out for support?

Can I find that to be just as true?

  • I should have jumped to conclusions
  • People are NOT worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m a regular human nervous ninny sometimes
  • I’m receiving support that I do deserve
  • What an in-touch, aware person, this pain is important, I should have realized exactly what I realized in the last few days
  • I did not overreact
  • People are giving me attention I’m worthy to receive
  • People are already helping people in greater need (I’m not keeping them from that)

Can I feel what it’s like if I didn’t have the belief that I was mistaken and being mistaken is BAD? Something to be ashamed of myself about?

“Thoughts are like the wind or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go. When they’re met with understanding, they’re friends. I love my stories……..

……I love how the mind changes. I watch it and am steadfast in that delight. I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance.” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names for Joy

You never know what is going to happen. Up, down, left, right, life, death, forward, backward, coming, going, injury, healing.

Whatever you thought or said yesterday is sweet, was right at that moment for you and for everyone.

And now is a different day, with new thoughts. A new sweet movement and flavor.

Much love, Grace

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That Terrible, Embarrassing Situation

Recently I was driving my car, the wind shield wipers flapping back and forth on high as the rain pelted down.

I was alone with my thoughts and the unfolding road in front of me, in the city with lots of cars, tail lights, motors, movement.

In the silence of the car interior I found myself considering the topic, as I have done so many times before, that I offer to all the participants in the fifth week of the Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Shame, Embarrassment and Guilt.

No big deal, just a little topic. Heh heh.

Suddenly, I had the thought to revisit an embarrassing situation in my past, and do some sleuthing for what was going on, what I believed, that produced guilt, or that sick feeling that I was doing something wrong.

This is what all the participants get to do as well. It’s not easy. It can make us feel bad, just remembering the situation.

We’d like to forget about it! Not go into it in more detail! Jeez!

But I know that bringing that situation to mind in the most crystal clear way possible is the way to understanding, to truth.

As I saw the situation in my mind, a 5 minute moment from the past, I allowed it to freeze, like stopping the film in a movie.

Yep, that’s a situation I felt really guilty about. Got it. Yuck. I wouldn’t want anyone, ever, to see this movie.

Too embarrassing.

Now that I have the awful moment…..the terrible situation….I take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Here’s the interesting part.

I focus on the other person, or people, involved.

Yes, the vicious thoughts against myself are flying around like a thousand bees, but focusing on the self-condemnation won’t necessarily bring peace.

If you can, direct your attention outward, to who or what was present that contributed to this embarrassing situation.

Later on, when I wasn’t driving anymore, I slowly wrote down all my concepts on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I wanted her to stop pushing me, asking me. I wanted her to not allow her feelings to run rampant. I wanted her to be sober. She should have known better. She should have stopped. She should have cared about me. I needed her to be calm, wise, sincere, honest and supportive. She was crazy, pushy, selfish, grabby, a liar, falsely flattering me. I don’t ever want to hurt other people by colluding with someone like that again.

I point my finger at her, even though in this state of shame, I feel the finger pointing also at myself.

Now….I can do The Work.

Is it true that she should have known better, that she should have been different, that everything would have been OK without her being that way?

Yes! The whole entire thing could have been avoided, I’m sure of it! I was horrible in that situation, too…but without her being so crazy, and demanding, things would have gone MUCH BETTER!

Can I know this, absolutely? Am I sure?

No. Sigh.

How do I react when I think all those thoughts about that other person? All those terrible thoughts about me?

I replay the scene in my mind and wish I could undo it. I want to erase the past.

Hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Who would I be without the belief that she was to blame, I was to blame, someone was to blame, that Reality Sucked in that situation back then?

Wait a moment. Let that sink in.

Really?

Without the thought that the whole thing was wrong, bad, harmful, sucky?

I’m sitting still for awhile, images running through my head, looking around the room.

Then I notice tears flowing down my cheeks. Great huge tears of cleansing grief. I’m not even sure why. Beyond mind.

No one evil. No one unsafe. No one wrong?

The cork taken out of feeling the shame, humiliation, anger, sadness, loss, repression.

Freedom to see completely that everyone did the best they could at the time, and it was all good enough.

Turning the thought around, I sit with that situation, the memory, and feel it as right, good, supportive, and loving.

Can I see that as true, or truer?

Yes.

“Our imagination is a very powerful force in determining what we perceive. If we imagine that the world is teeming with evil forces, we will surely perceive the world as evil. But if we imagine the world to be essentially good, we will perceive it as good. Either way it is the same world that we are looking at.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace