One of the most painful experiences many humans have is when someone important in their life “leaves”.
A break-up of a primary relationship, moving away to live somewhere else, death.
If you are the one who is left, many excruciating thoughts can arise:
- I must be worthy of being left
- Life is sad
- I did something wrong
- I can’t stop thinking about them
- I can’t make it on my own
- I can’t be happy without this person
- I will never find anyone like them
- My heart is broken
- I’m not good enough
The feelings generated as we feel the absence of someone we love, or even anticipate the absence, are huge grief, tension in our throats, stomach aches, sadness, tears, anxiety, fear.
We have images running through our minds of the person when they were happily by our side.
If only they would come back. THEN I will be happy.
In this state, the future looks bleak, the world seems uninviting, it feels like loss is around every corner…the absence, emptiness, grief.
As Byron Katie says….it’s all a big misunderstanding. We’re believing very painful thoughts (see list above) and we think this feeling won’t go away. We believe the thoughts are true.
Times like these are when it is most important to slow down and look, to be with the thoughts instead of trying to get away from them or distract yourself, smooth it over.
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…”~Pema Chodron
So I question my thinking. I sit here. I do not pursue that person, I do not chase after the past, I do not go on autopilot thinking that I am sure that if the person was still here, I would again be happy.
This moment is not good enough, here, without that person in my life. Is that true? Are you sure that this very moment, you breathing, being here, living…are you sure that being here alone is not good?
Are you sure that you need that person here in order to be happy?
“When you lose something, you’ve been spared–either that or God is a sadist. How do I know I don’t need the money? It’s gone!”~Byron Katie
When my father died several decades ago, how was it that I was spared? I have looked back at that experience that felt so terribly sad with new eyes, especially when I first found the concept of questioning my thoughts.
What was an advantage of him leaving my life physically? What did that experience offer me?
I learned that I was very capable in my life. I had a job, a boyfriend, and earned my own money. I knew I had to give myself my own counsel in hard situations (my dad was so good at talking about feelings). I could remember how nurturing he was and be that way with me, and with others. I talked to him internally, and I knew what he would say back. I discovered that I could easily make it on my own, in life.
My dad gave me the gift of standing on my own two feet.
Now my 18 year old son is leaving for a new life at college. In fact, we’re packing the car and I’m driving him there today. He’s moving away.
How will this be a good and wonderful thing…this movement in life where now I will see someone I love less often, talk less, and he will have even more new experiences that I will never know about?
I trust that this happens at the most perfect time, for me. Reality is friendly. It moves and shifts. It opens up awareness to new possibilities, to a new pace of life for my son, for me.
I dreamed last night that I was about to give birth to a new baby, I was extremely pregnant, almost overdue, and waiting to go into labor any moment. I woke up knowing that even though I have something that I’m calling grief inside and imagine that I will miss my son, that this grief is also pure joy. The childhood part of my son’s life is over. It’s possible I won’t miss him.
Scott Kiloby says that the only thing that keeps natural love from flowing, is this thing that drops in called a Deficiency Story. Not enough. I need worth, specialness, validation, love from other people…because I myself am deficient. Life is deficient, sad things happen.
“Welcome pain. Be thankful for all these people who hurt you….Ask yourself what you think this person is mirroring back about you. Ask yourself what you think is wrong. Name it….See that it’s just a thought.”~Scott Kiloby
I watch my inner world with my absolutely amazing son who is grown up and moving now from here to there, and any little sadness inside, I identify what this thought is.
I discover I’m anticipating the future…I realize that coming back to this moment in the present it is beautiful. The sun is rising, the house is very quiet…my son is not in this room and there have been hundreds, thousands of mornings like this where there is no son present (even with him sleeping in another room).
I am very content with Reality, all is well, everything changes. I trust this life. I am ready to discover the advantages for sons moving away from their childhood homes, for mothers watching their children leave. Wow…I am already thinking of the advantages.
If you are in a situation where you can’t see advantages…wait. Let your mind come up with just one. Then see if you can find more. They will be there.
Arguing with any part of reality is painful. Surrendering to What Is, I am free.
“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.”~Byron Katie
Love, Grace
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