Love.
There are many common themes amongst humans that seem to cause great suffering.
But “love” is a doozy.
Romantic love, or family love.
This is the “love” experienced between people who share space and time together, maybe for many years, or who are born right into it, who share assets and plans.
One of the most disturbing arenas of love is when it’s unrequited.
As in, one person’s really All In, but the other is basically All Out.
Or Mostly Out.
Many love songs are written about this experience, but it does happen in families, too.
A dad wants to see his kid after years of neglect, but the son refuses to forgive and refuses to let bygones be bygones.
One person reaches for the other. One person wants to run for their life.
I like to call it “chasing”.
It’s really not that great for either party, you know? Maybe in a game of tag it’s super fun, but just about any other place between two people relating to one another, it’s disappointing, desperate, or dramatic.
At best not quite what you hope. At worst, devastating.
Awhile ago, I did The Work with a woman who had lived with a man for several years in a big bustling urban city apartment. They had known each other since age ten. At some point in their twenties, they split up and lived separately and went off on adventures, but now they were spending time together again in their forties. They had never lost touch.
The guy was over the moon with the woman.
Like, “she’s my whole world, she’s the only one I’ve ever really loved. Everyone else has paled in comparison. I love her so, so much. My life is nothing without her.”
As the woman shared these words with me, I kind of flinched.
Ewww.
I joined her for a moment as she read her worksheet to me about the thoughts she had identified about him.
My thoughts were following along with her, saying to myself “Yeah, that IS too needy, he IS wanting her too much, he IS acting too clingy. Gross. What’s she doing with a guy who acts like that?”
Then I caught my own mind agreeing with her, and I remembered right away, I have no idea what’s going on here. What I’m here to do is facilitate this woman through her upset thoughts about this moon-eyed over-the-top man in her life who has supposedly loved her his entire life.
The woman doing The Work wanted to inquire. She wanted to know the truth, and so did I.
“He’s too enamored.”
Is it true?
She said yes. I was thinking “yes”, too, based on the story I heard. Can’t he give it a rest and get on with his life?
Can you absolutely know it’s true, though, that he’s too enamored?
No. Not at all.
In fact, what’s the trouble with someone being enamored? What’s the problem? (I didn’t ask the woman this question out loud. I wondered about it within).
I remembered someone from my own past. Someone I had the very same kinds of thoughts about.
Wow, it sure seemed true. It seemed like it was too much. I called him obsessive, delusional.
How do you react when you believe he’s too enamored? Too in love? Too dreamy-eyed? Too…too?
The woman replied “I want to get in my car and drive across country, just to put as much space between us as possible.”
Run for your life! Suffocation! Get me outta here!
It’s really powerful to consider why, though, instead of so quickly bolting for the door. What’s the threat? What’s so scary about someone worshiping the ground you walk on, if they do?
Hmmmm.
Well, it feels like they don’t enjoy their own company enough. Something’s off. They aren’t easy-going and relaxed. Something inside is demanding, and a little freaky. They’re expecting something in return. They want….what? Security, pleasure, to feel loved. It seems like they can’t get it for themselves, so they’re fixated on someone else. It’s obsessive. Weird. The worst case scenario would be stalking.
In the fall retreat last month, I had everyone think of three people, public figures who really bugged them or frightened them, or people in their person lives they had found extremely difficult to be around.
Long ago when I did this same exercise, one of the people on my list was the guy who assassinated the president for Jodie Foster. I couldn’t even remember his full name, but he totally grossed me out. This is the extreme version of the very same energy of neediness, of a demand for attention or love.
So who would you be without this story, that he is TOO enamored, in love, full of craving, demanding, needy, available?
What….you mean John Hinckley Junior isn’t “too”?
Well, this isn’t about denying the man is acting or saying something different than he is. It’s not pretending you don’t see some kind of desperate energy happening.
It’s feeling who YOU are, without the thought running through your mind every minute.
What I notice is….I still move away from that person.
I also see he’s scared, likely doing the best he can, unaware, unable to sit with himself silently for some reason. He’s willing to care about someone in his imagination, not the “real” person, who he has little genuine contact with.
I remember having crushes, and also feeling the addictive pull of food and eating, so long ago.
I know how horrible it feels to “love” (reach) so hard, to believe being you is not enough or boring or unfinished or incomplete.
Oh man. Here comes the Turnaround. I myself have been too enamored, reaching, clingy, desperate.
When I was young (OK, later in life as well) I treated my concept of “God” this same CHASING way. Why aren’t you paying attention to me, God? Stay with me! Don’t leave! Pleeeeeeeasssse! I want you! I love you soooooo much! Why don’t you love me as much as I love you, or with the same specialness? Where are you? You should help me, why aren’t you present?
I know, it’s kind of embarrassing.
But there really was a part of me completely attached to my thoughts like this, and they REALLY hurt because it means my view of myself is Not Good Enough and God/Spirit/Source was out there being perfect somewhere without me. Ow.
Turning the thought around again: That person is NOT too enamored. I am too detached and being too much of a runner….I am too enamored with my own objects of desire. Or too enamored with detachment. Too enamored with Not being myself.
I notice I’m OK, even if that person wishes I would give them more attention.
The woman I was working with noticed she had her own completely free independent life, no matter what her man friend was thinking.
She saw how she could be in her own business, and not concerned with his, not dictating how he should feel and act.
What a relief to remain in your own business, and not in someone else’s.
If you think someone else is infatuated….where have you been infatuated, and how can YOU be healthy, breath deep, enjoy yourself, and be completely clear and honest with both yourself and that other person?
Who knows.
As soon as you’re really clear, living your turnaround of loving your own ways and not judging someone else’s desires as “wrong”….
….they might become uninterested in you.
Good.
As I did many years ago, when I realized this same type of situation of someone chasing after me and realizing how painful it was for everyone involved, I asked for no contact and space and silence. It felt like the most loving thing to do, even though my mind was screaming that it’s rude to cut people off or say goodbye.
But how amazing to inquire. What if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do?
Be honest. That’s it.
Much love,
Grace