Someone close to me doesn’t like someone else close to me.
OK, they’re related.
Let’s be honest.
And those two over there are at odds with each other.
One of them is driven to therapy in order to understand what’s going on, and feels pain about what’s unfolded.
The other is cutting everyone off and giving the silent treatment (and probably also feeling pain).
Oy vey.
The perfect Yiddish way to say “woe is me” in English, only it sounds better somehow.
You know those warring people you know? Or maybe whole entire nations? Or corporations? Or countries? Or those friends?
They should get along. They should talk. They should be close.
Is it true?
Yes! How could this not be true? People should get along. War doesn’t work. Jeez. Give me a break. Really? You’re asking this question?
Can you absolutely know this is true they should get along?
Yes. Well. Hmmm.
I suppose it’s OK if people don’t get along, but they shouldn’t point guns at one another or have fist fights. Maybe their behavior is what shouldn’t happen, when it causes violence, sadness, despair, or the continuation of the war.
I guess it’s not absolutely true they shouldn’t get along. Some people don’t. Maybe they can live on the opposite sides of the boundary, and enjoy themselves.
How do you react, what happens, when you think in your own life that those two should get along….and they obviously don’t?
Do you rage as you watch the television, with the teams playing against each other? Do you yell, yourself? Do you take sides in a couple’s divorce, or feel bad about how to deal with them?
Oh, you talkin’ to me? How do I react? Moi?
I want to tip the table over, all laden with dishes and plates and good food, and walk out and slam the door! Fine!
Good riddance!
Keep fighting, for all I care!
Sigh.
Actually, I’m sad. I feel despair. I have images of them not getting along ever, never finding a repair or balance in the future, or a way to meet and talk and work together.
It’s really desperately sad. I don’t like it. I want to see them unite, and feel love, and be compassionate, and strong.
I judge them as immature. Wrong.
But who would you be without this story? Without this thought that they should get along?
Huh.
Kind of weird.
Because it really does seem like they SHOULD get along. I don’t like seeing them fight, or hearing about their positions and stubborn behavior and rude, frightening words. I don’t like listening to their sarcasm. I don’t like being a part of their war.
But without the belief they should get along?
I see two people really hurt. Extremely hurt. Biting dogs, doing everything they can to defend themselves, to survive.
Without the thought, I stay present and I watch. I don’t shut down and cut them out. I’m here, aware, open, connected.
Watching humans having a hard time, and knowing this happens sometimes on planet Earth.
Without the belief, I remain calm, steady, I feel very rooted to the earth with both feet. Ready to serve, if called upon. But not asserting or injecting my opinion.
Without the belief they should get along, I have no solid opinion.
Turning the thought around: they should not get along. I should get along with myself, with them.
How could these be as true or truer?
Well.
They shouldn’t get along, because they are extremely different in personality, past history, experience, preferences, thinking, and I really don’t know precisely what’s going on inside of each of these people I love.
I should get along with this situation. Yes, rather than go to my room and shut the door (metaphorically). I should leave the door open, keep it light and trust it’s going as it needs to go.
All will unfold in a way that’s required. For these people I adore, for myself, for the family.
I could remember the inspiring Marshal Rosenberg, who worked with so many who argued with each other, but his methods of non-violent communication brought honest talk, and eventually, peace, to many really troubling situations.
What I notice today, is it’s a fine art, a gentle delicate art sometimes, of allowing everything to be as it is as those others fight it out, and also remaining involved and ready to step in at a moment’s notice, if called upon.
These two people I love so much, can I allow them to be as they are, working it out?
Yes.
To “live” this turnaround I can think of them both with love, not take sides, trust the process, understand that sometimes, as a wonderful friend of mine once said…..people need sabbaticals.
This is not “never”.
No one has said they will never, ever speak again and become completely unreachable.
Other people are loving and supporting each person, with kindness and care. Everyone’s doing what they need to do.
As Pema Chodron says so beautifully, things come together, things fall apart, over and over again.
The way of it.
If you lived the turnaround of being open to arguments happening in your life, around you, near you….
….what would you do, say, think, feel….
….as this human condition of breaking apart “happens” once again?
Together, apart, together, apart.
What can you do if you don’t shut down entirely and turn the warring parties off, OR, you don’t dive in head first and battle with the same energy? Is there another way, that comes to mind?
Who are you without your story of danger?
If you want more practice of who you are, without checking out or pushing back against reality, but living yourself without your stressful thinking….come join us on Sunday afternoons in Seattle once a month starting this coming weekend. 3-6 pm. Yes, it’s OK to write me to ask about missing more than two sessions and see what dates you really can commit to.
(If you live far, far away from Seattle, stay tuned for an online retreat on living your turnarounds coming within a couple of months).
Here are the scheduled meetings for the Living Turnarounds Group, for the next 9 months (always 3-6 pm) northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage:
- October 23, 2016
- November 20, 2016
- December 18, 2016
- January 15, 2017
- February 26, 2017
- March 19, 2017
- April 16, 2017
- May 21, 2017
- June 11, 2017
Enroll here. Hit reply to tell me all the dates you can attend.
Who knows what’s possible for us, without our stories? Can’t wait to find out. Let’s do this.
Much love,
Grace