I quit

You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?

Sometimes….argggghhhh.

So frustrating.

Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….

….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….

….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.

But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.

And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).

Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.

My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”

My email Inbox was a mile long.

The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.

Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.

Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.

Five hours later….

No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).

And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”

When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.

I quit.

What an interesting thought.

It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?

This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!

I QUIT!

Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).

What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.

But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.

Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.

Is it true?

Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.

It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?

No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.

How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?

Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.

Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.

“He’s controlling me” said the woman.

I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”

Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.

Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?

Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”

Wow.

Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….

….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.

This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….

….doesn’t quit.

Ha ha.

But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.

I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.

Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.

Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.

I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.

The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.

“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber

Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits. 

It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.

Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.

When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.

Again….laughter.

“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie

Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.

The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.

I stay.

(Until I don’t).