Oh my gosh gosh, it happened. Another Peace Talk Podcast Episode 136 on the pesky and horrible thought (when you believe it) “I Have To…” Find it on itunes here.
This Sunday, February 25 in-person Living Turnarounds mini retreat! Welcome one and all. It doesn’t matter what kind of experience you have in The Work, all you need is an interest in questioning your stressful thinking.
We have a cozy cottage, comfy chairs, tea, and worksheets. We meet 2:00-6:00 pm in northeast Seattle. Please pre-register and find out more right here.
The dates for the rest of this year have been updated. Come to one, come to all, your choice. I tend to forget to announce these half day retreats until right before they happen. Ahem.
February 25, 2018
March 18, 2018
April 22, 2018
May 13, 2018
June 10, 2018
For me, there’s been nothing like sharing time in The Work with caring like-minded folks who also want to question their stressful beliefs together. I get so inspired.
What is it about gathering together that offers something different to our inquiry?
I’m not talking about only a half-day group like this one. But all the other pairings and support, too. Like having an ongoing facilitation buddy, attending a meet-up, going to an intro night on The Work, participating in a retreat or course, going to the 9 Day School with Byron Katie, joining the Institute for The Work.
I find, just like meditation, we ultimately do it on our own, yet if we’re together there’s a structure, a shared energy. I’ve never had the experience of silent sitting at home that I do while on meditation retreat when hours are dedicated to sitting in silence and contemplating the experience without needing to do the usual tasks involved in life.
Isn’t that strange, in a way, that it can be so different being with others do something you really do all by yourself?
Because everyone else is agreeing to do this together, I do it too. I stay. I’m in the chair. No question about getting up and leaving and doing something else to avoid what is, or argue with what is, or complain about what is. I’m staying until I’m truly open to what is.
There’s an interested paradox here, however.
The deepest and most desired transformation, it seems, is when we are on our own–no one else in sight–and we remain seated, stay present, question our thinking, discover awareness is possible without any input or outside guidance required.
Isn’t this what we all truly want? To be our own personal wise advisor? To not have to go anywhere to find peace?
To find out that the most interesting, exciting, loving, supportive, clear person I could ever be with….is me?
Then, whatever we do and wherever we are, whether in a strange unrecognizable place, or our own living room, or in a noisy crowded street, or with a group of friends….
….no matter where we are, we’re with the most beloved and beautiful friend.
One of the things I most love about The Work, is that my stressful, uncomfortable, troubling, nasty, mean, vicious or violent thoughts are the ones that help me hear my inner compassionate advisor.
They are the loud voices that lead me to the still small voice.
Who would have thought the stories and yelling and panic that caused my suffering are the ones that bring the deepest awareness and awakening?
Strange. But true.
And so much help along the way by gathering with other people (still true) and sharing this inquiry. Exploring together is such a gift. It says “you are not alone”. It inspires connection and insight. It’s a practice arena that shows if I can do it with others holding my hand, or accepting me, I can do it.
If I can do it with others, I can do it with myself.
So if you find yourself willing, interested and drawn to connecting to your most inner wise compassionate advisor and awakened one within (yes, that one is there, always) then join me for a half day retreat, or the longer spring retreat coming in May (four days of The Work heaven)!
I’d love to spend time with you sharing the inner world we usually don’t think of as share-worthy (LOL). What freedom to find we’re all on the same journey, discovering peace.
“If you don’t know that who you authentically are does not suffer and has no need for beliefs, you are practicing believing that the separate self is real and that suffering is inevitable.” ~ Cheri Huber
Spend some time with others practicing un-believing how separate you are.
I love how Byron Katie says you have only two choices: believe your thoughts, or question them. There’s no other option.
I’d rather question them.
Even if you live on the other side of the world from where I do–find a partner, connect with people, call the Help Line (it’s free), come to retreat somewhere, anywhere.
Practice questioning. It’s more fun than believing. At least it sure has been for me. (Understatement of the century).
Sign up for this month’s Living Turnarounds Half-Day Sunday 2/25 right HERE.
Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.
You can do spring cleaning retreat on your own mind no matter where you are, as you go about life. It’s nice to have you come to Seattle, but the wonderful thing about The Work is…it’s not required to go anywhere to do it.
You can stop somewhere, find a pen and paper or your favorite device, and begin by writing down your painful thoughts.
THEN….do The Work on one thought at a time.
The other day, several people shared that one place they feel stuck, sad, despairing, or frustrated is in the middle of a relationship.
A break up, irritation with your partner, not feeling attracted to someone anymore and feeling like you should be, divorce.
Now, finding something annoying about the person you’re living with can be difficult, like getting poked with a pin every time you once again observe it.
These thoughts are like mosquitos. Here they come again. Huff. “There he goes again with leaving his stuff all over the table” or “he’s so out of shape” or “she’s always eating my snacks” or “she shouldn’t be so impatient’.
But it seems when people share with me that a relationship, even with it’s quirks and faults, is OVER….
….they feel pretty dreadful.
Thoughts begin to appear like “I’ll be alone forever” or “no one really cares about me” or “he’s already moved on so fast, I must have meant nothing to him” or “she ruined my life by leaving”.
Whew, these are super intense.
Let’s take a look at a break up, and see if we can get a little spring cleaning done.
One of the most difficult things I realized, long ago when I was going through divorce, was that because I was no longer wanted as a primary partner….I concluded that it meant I was un-want-able.
Worthy of being left.
Because someone moves away from me, I did something wrong.
This can even happen with other close relationships, family, friends, children.
Is it true, that if someone leaves you, or ends the relationship, or doesn’t want to talk to you anymore….it means YOU are worthy of being left? Leave-able? Don’t deserve a relationship that remains intact?
No.
How could it possibly mean this? There are so many factors involved.
How do you react when you believe you actually deserve to be left, or somehow caused it, or made it happen?
I know this is going to sound a little harsh….but it’s kind of grandiose. Negatively grandiose, I know. But I realized, that break up over a decade ago wasn’t All-About-Me. I knew, when I really answered the question honestly, that someone leaving did NOT automatically mean I deserved it.
How do you treat that person, when you think you don’t want them to leave, or you need them to stay so you can still be worthy?
Ooooh. Yikes. I’m treating them like they are a precious diamond or some incredible prize or possession I can’t be happy without. Unhappy when they aren’t around. Happy only if they are.
It’s like being in a volatile prison. Everything’s hanging on what that other person does (coming, going) and I’m not here in my own business watching the world do what it does–which includes that person apparently “leaving”.
People can’t even die without me freaking out, when I believe them leaving means something about me. When people go, I never enjoy my own company.
So who would we be without this incredibly alarming thought that people have to stick around for my worthiness and feeling of deserving ease and support?
Wow.
You mean….I don’t have to depend on anyone staying? I don’t have to believe it means I did something wrong? Or I’ll be alone forever? Or I’m a loser?
Yes, what if this meant nothing about you? Who would you be without the story it’s YOU?
I found this as I did The Work during my divorce. I could see so many reasons why my former husband wanted out of a marriage and to move into a new paradigm, to stop the one-track road he had been on.
As I did my work, and explored who I’d be without my dreadful self-attacking thoughts….
….I could begin to genuinely find turnarounds too, without bitterness.
I am want-able; I’m here, I’m alive, I’m available
I don’t have to depend on someone’s presence to feel love
There is no deserve or not-deserve, I am simply alive and can love this moment no matter who is in or out of it
I’ll be connected and loved forever
everyone really cares about me
I was clinging and crying so fast, he must have meant nothing to me
she/he saved my life by leaving
I can find examples for every single one of these turnarounds.
My life is completely different because of the pain I experienced through break-up. It woke me up. I was in a nightmare when it came to what I believed about relationship and love.
Now, I feel free when it comes to relationship, partnership and love, almost all the time. I get the best of everything: a feeling of independence like being single, and a kind accepting partner to spend time with and laugh with.
I see there’s wonderful things about being all alone, un-partnered, and that “deserving” or “worthiness” have nothing to do with partnering. Except maybe if I feel unworthy to begin with, I’ll put out that vibe big time and people will get the message and leave. I felt that way during my previous marriage: full of doubt and self-criticism. His leaving was a perfect match to how I already saw me. We were on the same page.
I see with others who have left that I don’t have to be so distraught when they go. My father died long ago, for example, and I still feel his love and have little conversations with him all the time. I don’t need his body to be here to feel comfortable.
Who would you really be without your stories of alone-ness or having a partner or being “in” a relationship or being “out” of one?
Everyday we’re “in” then “out” of relationship. Life is moving and dancing all over the place. All day long, this very day, the man who is my husband was gone, nowhere to be seen (by me). I hardly thought of him. He was busy teaching kids. I was busy doing The Work with people.
Perhaps fully breaking up could be the same in the end.
Without me putting heavy, harsh, self-attacking meaning on people coming and going….I’m watching, feeling, loving, sharing, moving, holding still, crying, laughing, thinking, taking action, being a human.
“It’s confusing for someone to conclude that they aren’t loved because there is something wrong with them. This person, who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, be perfect.
And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get the love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is TRY HARDER.
If you can find the willingness to look, and take a stand against the scam self-hate has you caught in, the confusion will give way to clarity.”
~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You
All I know is, ending the self-hate scam and self-improvement efforts have freed up time to explore many more things in this world.
And also freed up time or awareness somehow, to notice the red leaves fluttering in the wind through the window, the flash of pale pink blossom between bright green trees, a child on her bicycle flying past the front door, the tapping of the keyboard, the silence behind my back, the willingness to die without having all the answers.
LOL.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Breitenbush! Come join us to question the thoughts that keep you in conditioned self-improvement scam stories. We need you for other adventures in the world. At least, that’s a thought going through this mind. And, I love you even if you’re stuck.
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?
Sometimes….argggghhhh.
So frustrating.
Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….
….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….
….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.
But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.
And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).
Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.
My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”
My email Inbox was a mile long.
The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.
Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.
Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.
Five hours later….
No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).
And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”
When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.
I quit.
What an interesting thought.
It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?
This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!
I QUIT!
Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).
What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.
But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.
Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.
Is it true?
Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.
It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?
No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.
How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?
Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.
Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.
“He’s controlling me” said the woman.
I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”
Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.
Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?
Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”
Wow.
Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….
….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.
This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….
….doesn’t quit.
Ha ha.
But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.
I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.
Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.
Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.
I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.
The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.
“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber
Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits.
It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.
Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.
When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.
Again….laughter.
“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie
Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.
The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.
With your stressful love stories….trouble. Without your stressful love stories….who would you be?
A Grace Notes reader emailed me the other day with a fantastic question.
“I also want to ask you about the phrase “who would you be without that thought?”….I’m glad you didn’t use that here. I struggle with that phrase as it seems too philosophical for me to grasp, manage, decipher. Please help me with that phrase. It gets me stuck every time….it feels too big, too much….BE. It can easier grasp what would I think, feel, believe….Any ideas here? LOL.”
I so love her honesty and request for sincere help.
I have to admit….
….I’ve had the same kind of confusion about answering that fourth question in The Work.
What do you mean “who would you BE????!!!”
Dang.
I’d be someone else! Not me!
But after years of working with this thought, I’ve got some *awesome* suggestions, some of which might help you enter the space of this question.
First, the answer to this question in some situations does feel as far away as the other side of the Grand Canyon.
If I’m really upset, if I’m troubled and angry and terrified….
….it’s hard to even imagine being without my stressful thoughts.
They’re all screaming full blast at me, I can hardly hear anything else.
You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?
But I love that in this moment now, when I’m doing The Work and wondering about my reaction and my suffering…..
…..I am remembering a situation from the past.
In the very moment that I’m remembering, I’m quite safe.
Look around.
Just notice first, you are very safe when you have memories. It’s safe to remember this situation, because it’s over.
These pictures in your head, of the way that person behaved or what they said or what email they sent that scared you, aren’t actually happening RIGHT NOW.
Good to know. Good to notice.
I’m interested in cleaning up my past imprints, all the things I pushed inside myself and have stuck there, and now….I’m taking a look.
So I let the movie play.
I see that person vividly in my mind, doing what they did, saying those mean words.
I notice how my stomach starts to feel sick right here in the present moment, but I also notice again (over and over again) that the actual event is over. It’s not happening right now.
You can let yourself have the support of noticing this, in this moment, as you do your inquiring work.
Now….I take a look at this question “who would I be without my stressful thought?”
I imagine actually being someone or something else. You know how I thought I’d be someone else, not me?
Well….how might someone else be, without this same stressful thought?
It’s simply good to notice, without berating or criticizing yourself, that other humans have likely had your same thought, and similar experiences, and they’re OK now.
They might be very OK. They might feel free, even if horrible things happened to them.
These are actual examples of being without the stressful thought.
You get to notice that you, too, are a human and therefore capable of also living your life without the suffering you’ve endured in the situation you’re thinking about.
If you can believe a thought, you can un-believe it too.
If you can’t even imagine being a human, without your stressful thought, then I love imagining what it’s like to be a tree, or a cat, or a rock.
How do these entities in nature, these alive existing organisms BE, without thought?
How does a tree feel, even if someone is yelling at it?
And….as this amazing reader suggested….
….I consider slowly how I would feel without my stressful thoughts? How would I move? What would I do? What would I notice, without this stressful thought?
How would I walk down the street? How would I do my laundry? How would I drive to the gym? How would I hang out with my friends….or family….without my thought?
How would I stand there, in the person’s presence (who I’m doing The Work on) without my thought?
You get to use your imagination.
If you think you don’t have a good imagination….
….who’s imagining that story from the past, into the present right now?
Your imagination is excellent. You just need to give it some new options you never thought of before.
Some fear-free options, some funny options, some humorous options, some life-affirming options, some neutral options.
You don’t even need to know what to do.
All you need to do is wonder what it would be like to be sitting in a chair, remembering a stressful situation, without running away from it or getting super worked up, or falling into pure reaction.
If you want, you can take a week to wonder how you’d feel without your stressful thought.
You can see which aspect of being you love to consider the most without your thought? Do you like to wonder what you’d do, or say, or feel, or see without your thought?
All of this wrapped up together creates who you would be.
And I love breaking it down into bite sized pieces, not a huge big wide heady philosophical question that seems far away in outer space.
“In Life, the transformation occurs in the process. This is, no doubt, why the ego-identity maintenance strategy is so focused on preventing us from ever getting started or keeping to a program of any kind…..The process IS the outcome.” ~ Cheri Huber
Good news.
Wondering and imagining what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in your stressful situation, or a flower, or a rock, or a tree, or a person, or then, YOU….is all you need to enter transformation.
Nothing more required.
Much love, Grace
P.S. Tomorrow….Online Retreat on Love Stories. Come with any love story that feels painful. Only $37 for 3 hours. We’ll do The Work, and practice using our imaginations, and hearing from each other, what it might be like to be without our thought.
Register HERE. Don’t let funds hold you back–if you want to join, write me (just hit reply).
Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.
I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.
This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.
There aren’t enough people enrolled.
Not Enough.
The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.
It’s such a common human idea.
Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.
You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.
As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.
Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.
And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.
In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.
Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.
Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!
Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.
Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..
…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.
If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.
But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.
I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.
But not before a LOT of suffering.
When I was about 25, I moved. Again.
I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.
But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.
I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.
It’s a wild, strange feeling.
I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.
A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.
I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.
For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.
Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.
Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.
No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).
The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.
That was OVER now!
But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….
….one day my visitor appeared again.
The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.
She was a part of me. And she was back.
Uh-oh.
I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.
But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.
Dang it.
She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.
I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.
I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.
I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.
My mind started to kick in…..
…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.
I did that.
And guess what?
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more.
I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.
I call this, now, the Searching Trance.
I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.
Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.
My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.
Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).
My mind was on an escape mission.
I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.
Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.
Then….I could rest.
That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.
Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….
….I could have gotten there without the food.
But I didn’t know how.
I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.
Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.
Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.
It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..
…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.
Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.
I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.
Now, the honest truth is…..
…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.
But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.
I had no way to inquire at the time.
I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.
However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.
I knew I was going to be OK.
I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.
I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.
Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?
Are you sure you need it?
Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?
Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?
Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..
…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?
I DO have Enough.
That thing I don’t have enough of?
What if it needs more of ME?
More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.
That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?
I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..
…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.
She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.
She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.
I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.
I give myself a lot of her……
……because she is me.
Because the ultimate turnaround is:
I need more of myself, in this situation.
I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.
When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….
….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.
I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.
This retreat has room, apparently, for more.
And it is perfectly enough as is.
Can you find it, in your life?
In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.
If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.
And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….
….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.
It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.
You might be amazed at what you find.
“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It
“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
“This is your fault!”I’m sure you’ve had the experience of saying this to yourself.
Something happens. It’s bad.
Your mind races.
Maybe even after the situation is resolved, when you think about it from time to time, you feel upset with yourself all over again.
A few weeks ago, I received a notice for a past retirement account, with a very small balance, saved from one job I had long ago.
As I looked at the statement, I thought about how it was my fault that I don’t have a normal retirement plan like other people. All those jobs I’ve had long ago, in my twenties and thirties, where I was presented with the options for savings.
And didn’t take them, or put in the minimum required.
So now, it’s my own damn fault I don’t have any savings.
Ugh.
How do you react when you think you made a mistake, it’s your responsibility you’re in the predicament you’re in?How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault…and it’s a bad thing?
There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you think of that stupid thing you did or what you said.
You could prevent it next time, surely. Maybe you could “pay” for it or work your ass off and feel better.
This is not a friendly belief.
It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought.
Beliefs that are true to the deepest space within…beyond the Small You…feel peaceful, calm, simple, open.
I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault?
“Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.” ~ Cheri Huber
Wow!
If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no fault” what would that be like?
Wait…what?
But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!
There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault!!
If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!What if it’s not possible? Who would you be?
Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight.
Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job.
Mind at rest.
“The reward for not protecting your psyche is liberation…When you see your heart start getting anxious, you are obviously aware of this experience. But who is aware? it is the consciousness, the indwelling being, the Soul, the Self.” ~ Michael Singer
Love, Grace
P.S. If you have the thought that it’s your fault when it comes to money…there will be a new eight week teleclass starting in January, where you can seriously question this belief. Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm, click HERE for more information.
Noticing what is here, now, may help you feel peace.
Last weekend in Eating Peace, the intensive program exploring food, eating and bodies that’s currently underway, our 90 minute webinar presentation dove into beginning a grand exploration of Not Enough.
Deficiency. Something Missing. Absent. Lacking.
It’s a mysterious and murky area, the feelings are troubling, the thoughts scattered.
I used to feel like I was visiting here on the planet, and not “home”.
Kinda like ET.
Sad, determined to return home, suffering more as time passed without getting there.
All the time it was like something was missing, someone’s absent but I wasn’t sure who, something lacking in me or in the environment.
Not enough. Not sufficient.
I may not always feel at home now, but my relationship to this not-home-ness is very different than the sadness and longing I once felt.
I’m very interested in this not-homey feeling, when it arrives.
I know it’s a reaction to an orientation where my view is thatsomething is definitely missing.
How do you know you’re having a Not Enough, Deficient moment?
You’re overcome with wanting to grab for something, or you’re very focused on rejecting something, or you wanna bolt.
If you use activities, thoughts or substances in this world to get away from not-enough-ness, then you might notice you’re having a big craving to eat, or to go do the activity that helps you escape or find comfort.
Maybe you can’t sleep for repeating in your mind how much you hate or fear something….you’re rejecting it with anger, argument, even rage.
Relationships are a *great* place for not enough-ness to show up.
That person leaves, and you have a heart attack you’re so distressed.
Or you’re madly in love with someone, and I mean “madly”.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Kind of embarrassing.
It’s doesn’t have to be logical, you notice it come into your awareness and BOOM….
….this moment now is missing something.
Not good enough. Not kind enough or fun enough. Not powerful, full, or strong enough!
Even if it’s quite overwhelming, if you pause and wait a moment before acting (and this might feel yucky or alarming at first) you may be surprised.
Without the belief that you will be swallowed up by emptiness and lack and that there really is something missing, who would you be?
What would that be like?
What would it be like to not DO something about this emptiness?
This includes not eating, drinking, smoking, doing, thinking, acting, getting busy, obsessing, sending emails or pining after that love-of-your-life character that got away.
Without the belief that this situation is really Not Enough….you might recognize what you’ve lost, either right now, or in the past.
You might sob with grief.
Here’s what was strange about the change I felt about being here in life, incarnated as a human being (apparently) just like you:
When I was crushed with the awareness of Something Missing and that there was nothing I could do about it….
….I began to see what I could do about it.
And it wasn’t eat.
It wasn’t grab desperately, or reject with a vengeance, or run for the hills from anyone or anything.
It was staying where I was and looking around in the present moment, being with the one I was with….now.
“By feeling the emotions, you can get to an understanding; you can get to see what it is you lost, and experience it. We need to become aware of our emotions in order to understand and see our essence; emotions are a guide and point to where essence has been lost….Essence is something more real and more substantial than emotions. Essence is something as real as your blood.” ~ A.H. Almaas
Turning the thought around: nothing is missing, lacking, absent, deficient about anything in this moment.
“It is not my experience that we are here to fix the world, that we are here to change anything at all. I think we are here so the world can change us. And if part of that change is that the suffering of the world moves us to compassion, to awareness, to sympathy, to love, that is a very good thing.” ~ Cheri Huber
Today, even if you feel your heart will break….can you sit and notice what is in your situation, your environment, that isn’t missing?
What IS here?
Can I notice, and find examples, for just a moment…rather than notice what isn’t here?
I’m having so much trouble…l can’t stop thinking I did something wrong. I googled the internet on abortion, and your name appeared.
I received this email and my heart went out to the author immediately.
She was struggling the way I had once struggled. Making what felt like a huge decision not to continue an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy.
When that happened for me many years ago, I was shocked by the sickness I felt, by the finality.
I had no idea I would be so horrified by my action. I was in favor of a woman’s right to choose. My mom had hosted abortion rights meetings at our home when I was a kid!
But all of the sudden, I wasn’t so sure. I suddenly understood why there were the debates. I thought I would go crazy with the suffering.
Six months later, I attended a special retreat program my mother had found called Rachel’s Vineyard. It was created as a non-profit to help especially Catholic women (and their partners) recover from abortion.
I was not Catholic. But raised Episcopalian, maybe it was close enough.
I had not been to anything with a religious overlay like that in many, many years.
It didn’t matter.
I thought…if anyone would feel like horse sh*t about having an abortion, it would be someone Catholic. I felt the same. Therefore, I’ll fit in.
The thing that was present at the core of that retreat was the message that I was not evil, I could forgive myself and find peace, and that there was normal life for me following an abortion.
And here, so many years later, I was talking with a lovely woman who also was not Catholic but who was also very surprised at the devastation she felt after making her choice.
“I went against reality” she said.
We set up a session to do The Work.
You may have something, too, that you feel terrible about doing.
That thing you feel ashamed of, that time you yelled and screamed at your kid, or your spouse, that time you lied, stole, cheated, schemed, held resentment, attacked.
You might feel like you acted against what was, you fought reality, you argued with reality, you debated, you forced, you pushed.
Find that moment…and let’s take a walk through that painful belief that brings much suffering.
You argued with reality.
Is that true?
Yes. (Deep sadness, regret, grief).
Are you positively sure? Did you go against reality?
Yes. I’m wrong. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have. I acted that way. I sinned. I was bad. I ate too much. I took the drugs. I drank. I smoked. I hurt someone else.
How do you react when you believe this?
Pure hell.
I picture the past over and over. I wish wish wish it could have gone differently. I’m so unhappy with me.
Regret. Regret. Regret. Horrible.
But who or what would you be without the belief that you went against reality, that you fought what was so and it should have turned out otherwise, that you made a mistake, that you were wrong?
Ugh. I can’t even find it. I have no idea. Impossible. I can’t feel OK about what happened, I just can’t. I can’t forgive myself.
Then.
A pause.
An opening, just a crack….without the thought. Without that belief in condemnation, punishment, wrong-ness, mistakes, unforgiveable-ness?
A deep breath.
I say “reality also included other children, a partner not ready, the existence of a procedure that was an option, your life in that moment in time.”
Reality included everything.
What happened was the best thing, the best way it could have gone.
Turning the thought around: I went with reality, I merged with reality, I was a part of reality with no separation. There was something right with me. There was no mistake. This is forgiveable.
There was love.
Can you find that to be as true, or truer?
“It is only the illusion of a separate self (something that believes itself to be outside of life and living in other than the Now which is the only reality) who could believe it is possible to make mistakes. Because, in fact, there isn’t anything going on other than what IS.” ~ Cheri Huber
Who could you be today, as you go about your life, a person who has done nothing wrong, ever?
One of the most astonishing lightbulbs that lit up for me on the inside when it came to self-inquiry was when I really *got* the idea of welcoming EVERYTHING in my life.
Not just good stuff. But bad stuff.
Especially the bad stuff.
In fact, the whole point of the re-orientation or this different new view is inviting the “bad” stuff.
Bring It On.
Wait. Seriously?
Yah. Doesn’t mean you have to be thrilled about it.
This is noticing how very difficult things, even acute suffering, have interesting teachings, surprise awareness, redirections that you never would have thought up all on your own, surrender that winds up being deeply liberating.
This is the goodness….or call it acceptance if “good” is a little too much for you….in darkness.
The gift of darkness.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver
Here’s where to start if you’re not so sure about this idea.
The Work.
Here is the thought. You really think it’s true:
“There is nothing good that came out of that horrible experience. When I got cancer, when I was involved with that jerk, when he left me, when she died, when she stabbed me in the back, when I made that awful decision.”
Is it true?
Pick only one troubling experience, not all of them at once. Just one.
Is it absolutely true that nothing, nothing, nothing good came from it?
No. (If you answered yes, keep going anyway).
How do you react when you believe nothing good came from that difficult time?
I spend a lot of energy making sure it never happens again. I’m afraid when I see the images of it repeating itself. I feel haunted. I’m anxious just walking around, when I remember it. I don’t sleep well. I can’t relax.
Take a deep breath. Pause a moment, with that memory that’s rough.
Now who would you be without the belief that absolutely nothing of benefit came from that experience?
I feel a possibility of relaxing. I might not relax all the way, instantly…but a peaceful pink colored light off in the distance, like the sunrise is over there.
I notice I’m breathing, alive. My heart beats. I have a pulse. I have a place to lie down. I have friends. The sky is shining. I maybe feel a thrill of interest inside, a ray of hope as they say.
Turning the thought around:
Something of great and profound benefit is coming out of that difficult experience.
What already has happened, that you could call a benefit? Even the tiniest thing?
Once you start, you may begin to find more, and more.
I had to make decisions for myself, completely independently, completely on my own….I took care of myself much better….I stopped worrying so much about perfect health all the time….I enjoyed time with friends….I became more honest and sincere and real….I discarded what wasn’t working in my life and asked for help….I felt power inside me that I never knew existed….I found love inside me at the deepest depths, no matter what was going on around me.
“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance….
….What is to give light must endure burning.” ~ Viktor Frankl
Byron Katie says, if it’s a friendly universe, what is an example of the friendliness of your life, your experience, your reality even in those darker times?
This is not fakey-fake making up positive happy face stuff.
It’s being open to seeing if this could be true, and finding genuine examples of this, no matter how small.
Even if it’s hard.
You can do this.
If you are in the seat of being someone who really wants to take time in a small retreat of only ten people, this November…
…I have a very special opportunity for those in leadership, therapists, holistic practitioners, managers, those who might wrestle with darkness or others’ darkness whose intention is to find the friendliness, or the advantage, or the openness possible in dark experiences.
This is the Serenity Retreat: Using Darkness For Good.
I’ve mentioned it before, and now there are new logistics.
We will gather Tuesday, November 11th (an awesome power number day 11/11) through Thursday, November 13th. We will dive deeply into looking at prevailing darkness, what feels too hard…death, loss, illness, tragedy, fracture.
You’ll be surrounded in nurturing luxury. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and beverages are on me for all three days. You’ll only need to care for your own dinner two evenings, your choice, your time for self-care or connection with others. The venue is pure northwest elegance.
Our first evening together, we’ll have Cheri Huber (to be confirmed shortly), insightful meditation teacher and author of “There is Nothing Wrong With You”. She brings years of wisdom to difficult life events.
We’ll move with care and willingness through the inquiry process, the power of the small group holding our investigation steady when the mind would prefer distraction, escape.
We’ll stay.
Our second evening, November 12th, we’ll have the exceptional poet guide David Whyte with us.
All participants will leave with a new level of openness towards their darkest experience, their personal challenge, their greatest fear.
Everyone will have a road map of how to turn this experience around, how to live this openness to inviting in everything.
To feeling the upmost courage with anything that could happen.
We end in the afternoon of Thursday, November 13th at 3 pm to return to our families, clients, offices, communities, and roles as guides.
To apply, please click this link. You will be given detailed information about the cost and logistics. This is only a preliminary raised hand of your interest, you will not be obligated to attend or registered just yet.
Registration for this retreat Serenity: Using Darkness For Good will close on Monday, September 15th.
And even if this is not for you at this time…go within to that dark place and discover what is really true.
You may find a clearing, for a new delight.
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
What about when a friend says it to you, right after you’ve just spilled your guts (for the 100th time about the same thing)?
I know, I know! What I resist, persists! I’m TRYING to stop resisting here, but it’s HAAAAAARD!
(Picture someone wiggling around wearing a straightjacket, their face turning red).
Yesterday in the Year of Inquiry group, we investigated the belief “this situation (or person, place, maybe you) requires fixing”.
Sometimes, we have the same kinds of thoughts, over and over again. We’d like to change, but don’t know how.
Gosh, it really needs fixing. It needs to become different. ASAP.
Here are some really, really common resistant moments and experiences that people have written to me about, or worked with me in addressing.
I’ve gone through every single one.
Eating too much, especially at night when alone
Bouncing checks or not having enough money
Complaining about your career
Telling yourself you should be exercising more
Thinking about your ex-partner
Criticizing your current partner
Worrying about your kid(s)
These thoughts come along about your work, your life, your spouse, your activities, your money, your spiritual life, your success.
Then you say “I’M AGAINST THIS! DOWN WITH THIS SITUATION!”
If you go down the Resistance Path….which assumes you need to fix it….
…..here’s what I find always happens: You attack the thing or situation outside of yourself, you attack YOU for being involved in the first place, you feel lousy, you hate it, you make a plan to change, it doesn’t, you attack the situation or thing outside yourself, you attack yourself….
….you get the picture. Merry-go-round.
No Freedom. No peace.
In war, resistance is considered the opposing force. In psychiatry, resistance is never wanting to bring something dark and secretive or unconscious into consciousness. In biological science, resistant diseases can’t be attacked or broken apart.
It’s tight, tense, scheming, full of plans.
Let’s do The Work and inquire.
Pick just one of those places in your life that you notice bugs you, more than once, and probably a whole lot.
I’m completely against this situation. This relationship. This person. This job.
Is it true, that you’re against it?
YES! Duh! Who wouldn’t be? I can show you my proof and tell you my difficult story.
Can you be absolutely sure that you’re against this, the whole shebang? Are you positive that there is NOTHING to like, nothing serving you, nothing helpful, in this activity, this person, this job, or this dynamic?
When I used to binge-eat many years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey if you had asked me if there was anything helpful about having an eating disorder, I would have said “No! What are you, nuts?!”
But can you be absolutely 100% positive that everything about this repetitive situation….your complaints about that person, dreaming about your past, obsessing about your future, repeating the same thing many times (like addiction)….can you be sure you hate it? That you’re entirely against it?
No.
This is really important to notice.
When I ate, I’d get distracted, I’d feel comfort, I’d switch channels, I’d calm down, I’d tune out.
So I wasn’t completely and totally against binge-eating. I could have barely admitted it. But that was truer.
How do you react when you believe you are against something!? When you believe that the way to peace is to fight, defend, bolster yourself up, justify yourself, build an army, make a plan? When you believe this situation requires fixing, it is broken?
I react with great aggression towards myself, or towards others. Even if its all on the inside. It’s like a storm, internally.
When I hold resistance to anything or anyone, or any moment, any feeling, any circumstance….
….I feel terrible, sad, urgent. I call myself an idiot. I notice how stuck I am.
I lash out at other people. Or clam up. Give up.
“Self-hate encourages you to judge, then it beats you for judging. You judge someone else and it’s simply self-hate projected outward, then you get to use it back on yourself when you beat yourself for judging! We call this ‘Heads you lose, tails you lose.'” ~ Cheri Huber
So who would you be without the thought that you MUST resist this thing? Without the belief that you are against this situation, or yourself, or that person?
Who would you be if you were a tree, that simply stands there, rooted very deeply into the ground, bending with the wind?
Who would you be without the belief that you have to do something about this pesky situation? You have to fight, destroy, change or end it?
No war. No resistance.
It’s pretty counter-intuitive in many ways. The mind wants to make a goal, get a plan together. Form a posse.
It will tell you “I must quit smoking” or “I absolutely have to stop overeating” or “this job sucks”.
We already know how you react when you believe you have to resist something in order to make it end.
You lose.
So what is the opposite, to your thoughts of resistance?
I want this to keep going, this situation is working somehow in some weird way, I am not against this, there are advantages to this situation occurring in my life….
…I LOVE THIS!
Well, OK, maybe you can’t quite say you love it…but can you not hate it?
I’m in favor of this situation. I’m FOR it.
How could that be true?
For me all those binge-eating episodes and anxiety-ridden experiences showed me where I was confused, missing something, lost. They inspired the most incredible lifetime journey, still unfolding, of brightening reality.
A profound journey unlike anything I could ever imagine was going to happen.
Find out why you might be in favor of that thing you thought you were against.
Notice what it feels like, in your body, to not resist it.
You may not know what you need to do next….but in this exact moment, doesn’t that feel better to lay down your arms?
That’s the beginning. Let it be the way it is.
You got this.
“A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call ‘bad’. Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?
