Feeling connected with life, the planet, other humans, our surroundings….isn’t always easy, or automatic, or clear.
Even if we know we’re connected to others in the big scheme of things, like we get it cognitively with our thoughts, the deep feeling sense of being alone can still be alive.
And sometimes, it isn’t fun.
I used to feel like it was floating in outer space with no planet, human, or warmth in sight.
Yesterday the Eating Peace group met for the second time.
Everyone had the invitation to consider their “worst” moments or times of day with food. A repetitive experience.
So many people I’ve worked with over the years have a restless, unpleasant, empty, lonely feeling when they are toward the end of their day.
Perhaps it’s already evening, or night time. Open time. Choice. A desire for entertainment. No need for work. Space. Silence. Home.
During the day, there’s morning, work, to-do lists, errands. Sometimes a reason to keep it together. A job. Other People.
But oh…….the evening.
Many people drawn to drink alcohol do it at this hour as well.
So what’s going on?
For me, I often finally felt like I could relax, stop doing the “right” thing all day, stop working so dang hard.
Sometimes, the empty space of evening allowed my deeper fears or longings to stir….and I didn’t really want to spend time with those fears or look at them head on.
In any case, the space of silence and being alone can bring out some of our strongest beliefs about the universe.
Seriously. It’s that big, and that telling.
There I am, by myself in my safe, warm home. No one to ask me questions, look at me, see me, criticize me, attack me, compete against me, blame me, or need me.
What’s going on for you? How do you talk to yourself?
Some inquirers in Eating Peace said they had the “right” things to do and the “wrong” things to do in that empty space.
I can relate.
My own mind would start in, when I had several free hours and a night alone.
I should do laundry, wash the blankets, clean the kitchen, vacuum, empty the garbage, work on a creative project, write, work out at the gym, write her a thank you letter, read, clean out my closet, research.
I should do something productive.
It was almost like my own mind wouldn’t let me alone to Do Nothing.
Where was the freedom?!
In food.
It was the only way I could be chaotic, non-logical, wild, a rebel, and stop the dictator mind that wouldn’t let me relax, do what I wanted, have pleasure, enjoy myself.
Here’s the belief that would enter, and seem really, really true:
Eating will be nice, comforting, fun, sneaky, an alternative to more work, satisfying. It will help me turn off the mind that never stops and get something for me, for once.
Let’s take this to inquiry.
Is it true that eating something, in that moment of empty space, with mental chatter that isn’t exactly supportive, will distract me and allow me to get something for me?
Yes. I’m rebelling and crushing that mental chatter. It’s so demanding!
With food, I defy that voice (or maybe for you its alcohol, or some other compulsive process).
But can I absolutely know that it’s true that at that moment, food helps?
Yes! That’s why I keep eating! It actually helps!
What a stupid question!
But here’s the interesting inquiry: can you absolutely know that eating will really, really help in the end?
Um, that would definitely be a NO. A big fat no. Because I’m filled with suffering around food when I realize it actually “works” to a certain extent to give me some relief….but it doesn’t help the silence, the emptiness, the lonesomeness, the cravings, or the frustration Go Away.
Ever.
I override the harsh voice temporarily, I get some power back (I’ll eat what I DAMN WELL PLEASE you &*^%#@!)
But. Bummer. The trance always ends.
And it can’t have really helped, because I am suffering.
When I believe that food, or whatever, changes the channel and gives me some relief from the toil of it all, how do I react?
I get into the whatever. I eat.
Who would I be without the thought that I have no power?
Who would I be without the thought that empty space, quiet stillness, or open time should be filled?
Who would I be without the thought that I am not capable of finding my own answers, or dealing with the evenings in my life?
Without the thought that eating something will help?
I would feel hope. I would feel curious. Patience. Wondering. Willing to be honest.
I also might cry my eyes out. I might realize how pissed off I feel sometimes.
But I’d be willing to stop taking so seriously that chatterbox that won’t shut up about what a loser I am.
“I can give you the simples of all possible rules of thumb: Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it! No exceptions!” ~ Cheri Huber
I turn the thoughts around:
Eating something will not help me. Eating something in this haunted alone evening time will hinder me.
Doing anything addictive and distracting will not help me.
“Meditation….is seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat. It’s about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness.” ~ Pema Chodron
Could it be this simple?
Yes.
Love, Grace