Last weekend in Eating Peace, the intensive program exploring food, eating and bodies that’s currently underway, our 90 minute webinar presentation dove into beginning a grand exploration of Not Enough.
Deficiency. Something Missing. Absent. Lacking.
It’s a mysterious and murky area, the feelings are troubling, the thoughts scattered.
I used to feel like I was visiting here on the planet, and not “home”.
Kinda like ET.
Sad, determined to return home, suffering more as time passed without getting there.
All the time it was like something was missing, someone’s absent but I wasn’t sure who, something lacking in me or in the environment.
Not enough. Not sufficient.
I may not always feel at home now, but my relationship to this not-home-ness is very different than the sadness and longing I once felt.
I’m very interested in this not-homey feeling, when it arrives.
I know it’s a reaction to an orientation where my view is thatsomething is definitely missing.
How do you know you’re having a Not Enough, Deficient moment?
You’re overcome with wanting to grab for something, or you’re very focused on rejecting something, or you wanna bolt.
If you use activities, thoughts or substances in this world to get away from not-enough-ness, then you might notice you’re having a big craving to eat, or to go do the activity that helps you escape or find comfort.
Maybe you can’t sleep for repeating in your mind how much you hate or fear something….you’re rejecting it with anger, argument, even rage.
Relationships are a *great* place for not enough-ness to show up.
That person leaves, and you have a heart attack you’re so distressed.
Or you’re madly in love with someone, and I mean “madly”.
You know what I’m talking about, right? Kind of embarrassing.
It’s doesn’t have to be logical, you notice it come into your awareness and BOOM….
….this moment now is missing something.
Not good enough. Not kind enough or fun enough. Not powerful, full, or strong enough!
Even if it’s quite overwhelming, if you pause and wait a moment before acting (and this might feel yucky or alarming at first) you may be surprised.
Without the belief that you will be swallowed up by emptiness and lack and that there really is something missing, who would you be?
What would that be like?
What would it be like to not DO something about this emptiness?
This includes not eating, drinking, smoking, doing, thinking, acting, getting busy, obsessing, sending emails or pining after that love-of-your-life character that got away.
Without the belief that this situation is really Not Enough….you might recognize what you’ve lost, either right now, or in the past.
You might sob with grief.
Here’s what was strange about the change I felt about being here in life, incarnated as a human being (apparently) just like you:
When I was crushed with the awareness of Something Missing and that there was nothing I could do about it….
….I began to see what I could do about it.
And it wasn’t eat.
It wasn’t grab desperately, or reject with a vengeance, or run for the hills from anyone or anything.
It was staying where I was and looking around in the present moment, being with the one I was with….now.
“By feeling the emotions, you can get to an understanding; you can get to see what it is you lost, and experience it. We need to become aware of our emotions in order to understand and see our essence; emotions are a guide and point to where essence has been lost….Essence is something more real and more substantial than emotions. Essence is something as real as your blood.” ~ A.H. Almaas
Turning the thought around: nothing is missing, lacking, absent, deficient about anything in this moment.
“It is not my experience that we are here to fix the world, that we are here to change anything at all. I think we are here so the world can change us. And if part of that change is that the suffering of the world moves us to compassion, to awareness, to sympathy, to love, that is a very good thing.” ~ Cheri Huber
Today, even if you feel your heart will break….can you sit and notice what is in your situation, your environment, that isn’t missing?
What IS here?
Can I notice, and find examples, for just a moment…rather than notice what isn’t here?
Wow.
There’s so much here.
I can’t believe I missed it.
Much love, Grace