Tag: self-inquiry

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No conditions for love…even with cancer

I am ready to continue to sit again with this mind, old thoughts, new group, and the dreams I’ve experienced that appear stressful.
Someone wrote and asked about cancer and seeing it with unconditional love.
One of my deepest inquiries, personally, has been whatever appears to show up as a matter of life or death.
What are the situations I see in my mind with cancer?
  • Sitting at the bedside of my father, a November where it’s been drizzling all day, and the darkness has now descended at 4:00pm in the afternoon in the Pacific Northwest. The time of death is near, after two years of many treatments. He will never get to see his grandchildren not yet born, or to retire.
  • My doctor looks serious when I return to her office about a large bump on my thigh that was biopsied two weeks earlier. “After I take the stitches out, we need to talk about this.” Adrenaline surges through my body.
  • One of my dearest friends since age 14. I’ve been visiting him weekly for many months. He doesn’t get out of bed anymore when I come. I see wide bumps on his back that look like they are full of liquid, as he moves to reach for a glass of water.
  • The father of my children and first husband lies in a very quiet low-lit room in the tall Swedish Hospital in the middle of our city. There’s a gorgeous view out the window of a warm summer sunset. Everyone who visited earlier has left. I didn’t know I’d be the only one in the hushed room. I feel choked up, and heart-broken, and awkward….but there, present.
This is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. Knowing death is coming. Body breaking down. They are going soon. Terrifying.
 
Is it true?
What?! What kind of question is that?
How could that NOT be true? Of course it’s terrible. Nobody likes dying, and especially of cancer.
I notice how sure the mind is that it’s right. I notice how it’s terrified of death, even when it’s inevitable for everyone.
Such certainty, all based on guesses.
Can you absolutely know this is true that this situation, dancing with cancer, is horrible, terrifying, wrong…for them, for me?
This is no small question. This is the greatest question in the world.
Can I know it’s true that death–and especially death by THIS thing called cancer–is the “worst” thing ever?
Can I know the pain is intolerable, wrong, devastating?
No.
I. Do. Not. Know.
When I experienced the cancerous tumor, it was cut off my leg and almost 50 stitches to sew the area back up. The pain I felt was a super sharp sting as they put in the lidocaine injections deep into my thigh. I was awake. There was no additional pain. I saw nothing but the surgeon wearing her mask and the assistants moving about, smoke rising from a cauterizer. I heard them talking.
 
With my loved ones, I was there with them, just being there. Except for my reaction to the image of them over there, looking like they were weak and hurting and almost dead (and my stories about death) the space was peaceful.
Actually, more than peaceful. It was sacred.
Holy.
Like I was present to the portal that opens between this world and another, perhaps.
Someone doing The Work with me once said with a choked throat and tears and despair “There might be nothing on the other side. It’s just over. It’s so sad.”
And I notice, I don’t know if it’s sad. If it’s over there would be no sadness. The sadness can only be in the mind, now.
How do you react when you believe this death approaching, this illness, is horrible?
How do you react when you’re against it?

Crushed.

Imagination run rampant with thoughts of how it would feel, of imagining pain, of comparing what is with what was or what should be.

Here, I’m aware this work of self-inquiry is not about moving speedy quick over these difficult feelings or the wildness and mystery of life and death.

It is not saying “never think about death” or pretending there is no feeling of falling.

There is no trying to get somewhere else really, at all, even though I must admit I came into The Work trying to get somewhere else, somewhere different that felt better.

But who would I be in the face of cancer and death, without my conditions? Who would I be without the belief it should be different…another way?

How did I get the idea?

I notice how much I love the world, love people, connections, life, wonder. Perhaps that’s where I got the idea.

I imagine this love, this awe of life and how strange, magnificent, weird and mysterious it all is….and I dream of it ending in the future, as other things have apparently ended, and I feel what I’m calling “sad”.

Without the thought of “horrible” though, I’m in the moment now, with these people and images, with this invisible thing called cancer, where bodies are changing.

I see how there’s a slow peaceful movement away from the symptoms into whatever death is.

Everything changing, shifting, moving.

Turning the thought around: MY THINKING is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. My thinking is coming. Mind breaking down. My thinking is going soon. My thinking is terrifying and terrified.

Could it be that except for my thinking, all is well?

Yes. I’m simply here, aware. Being here, winding up here without a plan–there was no plan.

Holding this person’s hand, sitting in the presence of What Is. Broken open. Broken open very wide.

Not too terrified to be here, witnessing. Of service, if I can be. Noticing I want to give time, attention, connection. Noticing I wouldn’t want to miss any of this.

Not too terrified to feel like falling to my knees and surrendering to All This and sobbing my heart out.

This is wonder-ful, bearable. Right. Happening. Affirming. Something to be in favor of. Life. Knowing death is coming is good. Body breaking down is OK, the way of it. We are all going soon. We get to make that mysterious journey. It is loving.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I can find so many advantages.

What if all the “conditions” I’ve placed on loving and being loved, on accepting and being acceptable, on feeling happy and peaceful, on me being a “me” and you being a “you”…..

…..fell away and there was nothing more required, absolutely nothing, in order to experience and be love, or peace, or happiness itself?

Aren’t I most interested in No Conditions?

Isn’t my greatest choice, perhaps my only choice, the ending of all conditions for love, peace or happiness? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted…to feel whole, joyful, free no matter what?

Isn’t that why I keep loving doing The Work?

Yes.

Without the thoughts about dying, disease and death….what is, is amazing.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Retreat starts in 2 days. For those of you asking about attending morning sessions only during this retreat since you’re in Europe, or evenings only if you’re in Australia, yes you can (good to have experience in The Work). Please consider the contribution of about $60-$80 per session to support us in our work. Institute for The Work ITW candidates receive 24 in-person credits (12 with me, 12 with Tom Compton–unless you’ve already gotten credit with us before). Join us here.
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I had to admit it. Yikes.

First (before today’s inquiry) an accidental merging of my mailing lists (in case you haven’t read the news): I pressed a button and all Eating Peace subscribers were combined with regular Grace Note subscribers. 

But I figure this has lead to something perfect: you updating your subscription with what you want to receive from Work With Grace, and what you don’t. 

Grace Notes (like the email you’re reading) come out 1-3 times a week with the The Work on some stressful thought (plus all upcoming events are announced, the Peace Talk podcast updates, and First Friday monthly free sessions). 

Eating Peace Notes are all about eating, self-inquiry, and ending troubled relationships with food and our bodies (and especially our minds) and comes out once every 7-10 days with a youtube video.

How to update: scroll down to the link at the very bottom of this email (or any email you ever receive from me) and click the Update Profile link. It’s in tiny pale letters.


The whole list debacle makes me think of fessing of up to mistakes made, and how this goes in the world whether between two people, or huge groups, or whole countries. 

It can be incredibly powerful to admit your part in an interaction gone “wrong”. Or to tell the honest truth when you’re asked a question directly.

“The answer is…..”
“I have something to tell you….”, 
“I must admit that….”
“I’m worried about saying this, but the truth is….” 
“I’d like to have a heart-to-heart conversation about….”

The other day, my husband, who is a school teacher, stood in the kitchen looking into a bag of fabric someone donated to him for his classroom. 

“Oh look!” he said with delight, “this design is so beautiful! And this one looks like a picnic table!” 

He continued to scrounge through the huge bag of large and small fabric pieces. 

Then he pulled out some kind of white mesh thing with sticky sides and held it up and looked towards me, sitting over in the living room. 

“Do you know what this is?”

I stood up and came over to look. 

I had no idea. Some kind of backing perhaps, something used in sewing. 

My husband left it on the counter. 

Several hours later I was back in the kitchen making a cup of tea, cleaning everything up the way I do while the water boiled, emptying the dishwasher, wiping counters, putting things away where they belong.

I held up the folded white mesh thing-we-didn’t-know-what-it-was, paused, hesitated, and then threw it in the garbage. 

Um. Heh. Yah, I did that. (It’s not the first time).

That evening, my husband poked his head into where I was reading. “Do you know where that white meshing stuff is from the donation bag?”

Oh. 

“I’ll get it!”

I noticed myself jump up, go into the kitchen and fish the stuff out of the garbage, with him following me and seeing me do it. I kinda wish he wasn’t following me, if you know what I mean.

What did I think, earlier? That he’d never notice? (Yes, and I remember hesitating with the gut feeling to ask him first).  

“You threw it out?!”

Fortunately for me, I have the dearest most patient husband in the world. The stuff was slightly moist in one area from a tea bag, but intact. 

While in this situation part of me knew to take the time to ask first….I’ve been in situations before where I deleted documents, broke something, lost my wallet or keys, forgot an appointment….and I didn’t “mean” to do it. This one I actually basically knew not to, and did it anyway. 

One underlying thing was happening in all of them: wanting to go fast. Wanting it to be easy, and done. Finished. Over. Task Complete. Problem Solved. Kaput. 

Being someone who was once bulimic, literally, with a raging eating disorder, I watch the underlying belief in axing things, or purging, still arise. 

It happens so quickly, because speed is involved. 

Get this out of here, cut this off, remove it from my sight, off with his head!!

Have you ever handled relationships with others like this?

Jobs. Romances gone sideways. First husband when he said he wanted to end the marriage. 

People sometimes cut off their family members using this “delete” strategy rather than tell the full and honest truth, and listen to the other tell theirs. Which takes time, patience, slowing down, willingness to share together and speak and discover what it’s like for the other. 

But here’s the thing: For me, it’s always good to do The Work first, before such an intimate conversation.

It’s worth it. 

It’s literally one million times easier to share honestly with someone you love than to hold it in, pretend things are OK, repress, be super careful. Even better if you discover your own fears, motive or agenda beforehand, by doing The Work.

I know, I know….that other person may not want to speak with you even if you get to the place where you do. That’s OK. The best feeling is being open and willing. You can let them know you are (if you are) so they know you’ll be ready when they are. 

Meanwhile, I love the four questions.

I can just throw this away, and the counter will be clean. (I can just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…)

Is it true?

Um. Rats. There may be a few steps in between. These steps might look like feeling our full feelings, willingness, inquiry, learning, honesty, clarity, awareness, love, surrender, peace.

So, no. It’s not true that throwing it away will clean it up, forever…or with no consequence. 

How do I react when I believe safety lies in cutting something off? Or my goal will be realized if I throw something out (even if it’s not mine)?

I move fast. I toss it away.

Long ago, when I was trying to follow spiritual principles I was gathering from anything I could possibly read, I decided giving all my possessions away would put me into a state of wonder and lack of burden. 

I literally took everything, including photo albums with all my own baby and childhood photos, to the dump. I watched everything I owned practically go over the edge by my own hands into the pit. 

I still think about that purging. The desire to purge my mind of myself. The desire to be something that was Not Me. Really believing it would bring me to freedom, or peace.

It didn’t. 

Who would you be without the belief that throwing something, someone, that issue….into the garbage or out of your sight, will make things easier? Quicker? Handled? Safer?

Sigh.

I’d ask my husband if he wanted the thing, or not. If he said “no” I might even put it in the Goodwill box and treat it as something of value. (I still do love giving away things I don’t use very often, and prefer the more minimalist life of a little house, fewer clothes, just-right amount of pots and pans, one bookshelf of books).

Who would I be without the belief that tossing it away would clean it up? Including a relationship?

I’d be doing The Work. Checking my inner clenching. Watching “my” resistance. Noticing the fear at the human level and the absence of fear at a place beyond.  

I’d make contact with an open mind, with the other person. I’d share my inner life, and connect with them, without expectation. 

Turning the thought around: I can’t throw this away and expect the counter will be clean. I can’t just shut down, isolate, withhold the truth, and go on about my life leaving the past entirely behind…

Could this be just as true or truer? What’s the reality? 

I notice the mind, and the heart, want to catch up with each other and understand together what’s going on. I notice I want to connect with others in a really honest, open-hearted way and this takes time. Willing to listen, speaking the truth in response, sharing until it feels empty.

I notice I can’t throw my thinking away about something that happened that I found disturbing. I can’t just shut it down, isolate it and go on about my life without inquiry and understanding. 

It takes as long as it takes. It takes reflection, having an honest conversation with myself. Willing to be wrong or misunderstood. Willing to Not Be The Victim. 

And here’s the good news: you don’t have to have the other person say “yes” to a conversation, you don’t have to keep a job that’s really not right for you, you don’t have to keep the white mesh thingie on the counter when you want the counter cleaned off. 

It’s a clarity dance. 

I love slowing down, with the help of The Work. I love noticing the way the mind believes Fast or Over is better, instead of Slow and Steady.

Best of all, it’s a work in progress, this dawning of awareness. It’s underway. Happening. Doing what it needs to do. 

“I see people and things, and when it comes to me to move toward them or away from them, I move without argument, because I have no believable story about why I shouldn’t. It’s always perfect. A decision would give me less, always less. So ‘it’ makes its own decision, and I follow. And what I love is that it’s always kind.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to question your thoughts about a relationship that ended (divorce, break-up, separation) then join me January 6th on Sundays at 11:00 am Pacific Time for 6 sessions (no class January 13th). Sign up here.

Eating Peace Retreat is also coming soon. Three spots left. This is a deep and powerful immersion in questioning thought, behaviors, relationship with food, reactions, compulsion, betrayal, disappointment. We start Weds night Jan 9th and end Monday morning January 14th. Life changing. 

Question your thinking, change your world. 

Much love,
Grace

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Mothers and our eating: is it their fault?

This is a little controversial.

Our mothers.

Don’t they have rather a lot of influence on our lives?

(Ahem).

When it comes to eating, food, and body image, mother soften have passed along a story that’s quite intense about food, cooking, serving others food, eating, body shapes and what they should be.

They learned, just like we did, what was acceptable, good, perfect, or successful.

And they showed us.

Sometimes, they showed us very well indeed. 

It’s quite profound, however, to be the one who questions any painful story you’ve heard, or learned, or thought….when it comes to mother.

Here’s a story that may surprise you about my mother, and what I felt when she said “I’m so proud of you”.
I wasn’t happy.

Eating Peace Free 70 minute Masterclass. Sign up to be notified and join the webinar here. You have a choice of three times:

  • October 24th 9 am PT
  • October 25th 2 pm PT
  • November 11th 10 am PT

Free 8 day Eating Peace Experience Course November 4-11, 2018 on facebook LIVE. Opt in HERE to join and receive all the daly lessons.

Eating Peace Process 5 month Immersion starts in November. Registration will open at the end of October. Read about it here.

Eating Peace Annual Retreat. Learn more here. Jan 9-14, 2019 in northeast Seattle, Washington.

Much love,

Grace

 

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How to quit playing the game: Be Afraid–Pass It On

quit playing the game FEAR: PASS IT ON!

Do you remember playing telephone when you were a kid? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, and one person begins with a simple sentence, a one-liner, and whispers it in the ear of the next person.

No one gets to say “WHAT???” and have it repeated. You need to listen carefully the first time. Then you whisper the very same thing into the next person’s ear. The very last person in the circle says out loud what they heard.

Peels of laughter! Sometimes it’s total nonsense and hilariously different from the original sentence.

Well, the other day when doing The Work with someone, I thought fearful stories were like this game.

Only they’re passed along from one generation, to the next generation, to the next.

Here’s what you should fear. Be afraid of THIS (insert whispered story).

How do I know you should be afraid? My mom told me. My dad told me. My grandpa told her. They gave that look of fear. They painted a terrible picture.

A frightening thing happens….and then WARNING, WARNING.

Teach everyone how scary that is and how you need to be very, very careful from now on.

There are events and experiences that cause fear in many human beings. Abrupt behavior, loud sounds, events where things break into pieces or are physically altered, or emotionally hurt. Change. Loss. Surprise. Anger. Blow-Ups. Crashes. Wars.

But trying to stay in a holding pattern of Calm-And-Collected and BE CAREFUL has its drawbacks.

Because we also like relaxing. We LOVE relaxing. It’s a place I want to return to, a homeostatis, and maybe the reason I first ever began to want to do The Work and find out what moves me away from peace.

And what about when we get a wee bit bored and actually want some excitement, or what if we want to improve our performance or results in some area (like health, eating–my favorite–love, money, romance, support), or create something new, or grow, transform or participate in change, on purpose?

We like developing and growing, and we like remaining calm.

But these two things don’t always go together!

Sometimes it’s like we’ve got the foot on the brakes and the foot on the accelerator at the very same time.

I want something different, but I don’t want it to be….scary! And remember! We need to be careful!!

How do you react when you believe, as you’ve always heard from people around you, that bad unexpected frightening things can happen in this world?

What happens when you want to do something new?

I’m careful.

Very, very careful.

I walk on eggshells.

Eggshells are so easily broken….I barely step out, I don’t move, I don’t take the risk of being rejected, or setting the person off, or having that worrisome thing occur.

But who would you be without the story that you need to be careful? At all.

Gasp!

If I’m not a LITTLE bit careful, I’ll be a fool. Ridiculous. I’ll do something completely stupid. I’ll lose everything. I’ll make a terrible decision. I’ll go against what my parents told me. And their parents before them.

Are you sure? Do you have to be afraid, and careful, in order to make sure you don’t fail, lose, or get hurt? Are you sure you need to never get hurt, fail, or lose?

Are you sure you need to stay entirely peaceful every second of every hour?

Wow. I never thought of that before.

A year ago, I went to a lecture and read a book by an author and speaker I found super interesting. Unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anything new to attend, I had been attending a lot less for a few years, in fact. But when a program appeared with an Enroll Here button, I clicked it and just knew to sign up.

I was simply drawn to it (and it’s been a wonderful adventure and brilliant people). But not easy. A day of travel just to get to the location. And sometimes daunting and mind-opening in a way that’s not exactly….happy.

What if you turned your thought around, and the very thing you ought to be careful about, and worried for, and avoid, or resist, or feel nervous over….

….has some powerful medicine to teach you?

This can even be true about very dreadful things, like getting a disease.

No, this isn’t saying sickness, violence, sudden change are easy and you need to be happy they’re happening. That would be ridiculous and kind of mean to yourself.

But what if you did become willing to have it occur, if it did? What if you noticed what you were OK with about it happening, or if it had anything helpful to offer in the way of a teaching, or it helped you eliminate what wasn’t working in your life?

Anything. An example, no matter how small, of how that thing you feel so worried about happening that it causes you to be careful in your life, even when things are fine….An example of if it happened, you’d be OK with it.

Even look forward to it.

I know it’s weird.

But it’s an exciting approach to duality and the negative, dark, scary things of life’s unfolding ways.

How could this part of Reality work for me, rather than against me? Have I ever heard of anything coming out of a situation I’ve always found scary like this, where the outcome was amazing change, or some kind of transformation, or some small advantage?

Who would I be without my story of needing to be careful?

Maybe not participating in the game called “BE AFRAID: PASS IT ON!”

Instead, you might be afraid, and do it anyway, or inquire, or pause and breathe deeply and keep going.

Who knows what being you will look like, without living a life of being afraid of being afraid.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.”  ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean you never, ever experience one non-peaceful or violent thought.

It means when you have a violent or less than peaceful thought, you move to look at it, you don’t automatically believe it (and pass it on), you turn it around, you’re committed to understanding it, you open your hands up with wonder.

Whatever it looks like. Pass it on.

Much love,

Grace

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Orchestrate your own happiness (who’s coming?)

nisargadattaquoteYOIYesterday I offered for the third time (I called it an Encore since so many people requested it “just once more”) the MasterClass on Ten Barriers That Derail, Deflect, Cloud, Make Murky or Result in Meh When It Comes To Doing The Work….And How To Dissolve Them.

Watch and listen to the replay here. It will be available until Friday.

To be honest, I’m not sure the class could thoroughly cover how to dissolve all the barriers. I mean, really.

But just being aware of what creates havoc….

….or as someone mentioned recently…..the mind’s “antics”….

….can change everything and bring much greater awareness.

I offered four exercises that help you dig into thoughts and get to the bottom of the stressful barriers and patterns we tend to fall into.

And I offered the four ingredients I’ve found that support any kind of personal, transformational work (connect, feel, bond, imagine)….

….but only you ultimately get to discover what your barriers are and how you might dissolve them, in your own time, in your own way.

Self-inquiry is an unplanned program of wondering about your life, your own experience, your own brilliant, crazy, wildly-fast thoughts, your beliefs, your perceptions.

Some call it questioning your suffering, and the meaning of being human and living this life….wondering why it sometimes hurts, and exploring how to navigate it all.

Funny, with self-inquiry, there are no formulas, no step-by-step plans, no guarantees, no results, no certainties, no promises, no answers (but your own), no golden tickets, and nowhere to go.

What an odd business to be in.

We’re asking over and over again…..”is it true?”

And yet, here I am, here we are.

Coming back to the slight sudden in-breath that happens when we answer the question about whether or not something is absolutely true about this terrible situation we’re contemplating….

….wow….what I’m thinking and believing might not be true!!?! 

There’s nothing like discovering what you thought was true (that’s scary or sad)…..isn’t.

There’s nothing like discovering you may have barriers to freedom, in your opinion….but there are four questions you can answer, to check on reality to see if it’s really as unfriendly as you imagine.

“When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Year of Inquiry begins with our Orientation in two weeks, and our first telecall in three weeks, the first retreat in eight weeks (if you’re coming to the optional retreats).

If you’ve tried everything to stop thinking stressful thoughts, and to feel better, but it hasn’t exactly worked….and you know deep within that you are your own teacher (along with reality)….then you’re probably already thinking about joining.

Early bird ends Friday night, which helps with cost, but people will still join afterwards and still get a great deal for the support of doing The Work month in and month out for a year.

Read all about it here. I’d love to have you share in this amazing adventure with me.

Who’s coming?

Much love,

Grace

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Kiss The Feet of The Master by Investigating your thoughts

On my walk during retreat lunch break--silence, brilliance, joy Kissing the feet of the master
On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master

I just spent three days in The Work.

Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.

This was retreat.

The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.

I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.

Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).

A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.

Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.

Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.

At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.

Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?

I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.

My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.

So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.

And well….ok…..

…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.

But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.

Wow.

Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?

This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.

For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.

  • A daughter who lied.
  • A wife who might embarrass her husband.
  • A sister who died young.
  • Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
  • A body that gained weight.
  • Supervisors at work who criticized.
  • A mother who was mentally ill.
  • A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.
These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?
Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.
That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.
Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?
Yes.
Yes.
Try it.
Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.
Not yourself.
It’ll come back to you anyway.
Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.
Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.
Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.
Let them all be there.
Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?
Well, now you can try another way.
I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.
How about you?
Instead……
……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!
Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.
This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….
….I call it Love.
At least, it feels like love to me.
“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction
Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”
Your path is very exquisite and unique.
Questioning your situations must become your own.
And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.
Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?
I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.
It was soooooo inspiring.
Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.
You are.
At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.
People I’m so in love with.
This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.
It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.
Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….
….it no longer feels frightening.
Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.
I LOVE EVERYONE.
Then I turn this thought around and realize….
….I’m so in love with me, too.
“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.

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Good News….This Is No Small Thing

Work With Grace
Question your thoughts, see the Good News

The other day, as I listened to the people inquire on the Summer Camp call, I had the thought…..people are absolutely astonishing.

So awake, so full of wisdom.

People have taken a dive in for only the first week out of five, and not everyone can make it to every call of course….

….but the thoughts being investigated for their truth are quite deep and expansive.

Here are a few of what we’ve been delving into so far:

  • I am (insert my name here)
  • I can’t stop with only one (cookie, kiss, thought)
  • I don’t want to be alone
  • I need more money
  • I need to be secure

When looking at stressful thought, we noticed how deeply and quickly it follows a dramatic trail of suffering sometimes.

One second, I’m on the couch being me, no worries.

The next second, a thought enters and I feel fear.

Something about this isn’t safe.

A participant in Summer Camp shared how she feels afraid so much of the time.

This basic very stressful thought is so powerful to question: I am not safe.

The first thing to do if you feel overwhelmed with fear, is to make a list of the top five things.

You might say “I have no idea, I just feel fear and anxiety! I’m an anxious sort of person! It’s terrible!”

Thank you for sharing, mind.

And now, pick just one thing you’ve found personally frightening in your life.

A specific situation.

This helps you get so very close and connected to that memory, that occurrence in your life….no matter how old.

You weren’t safe in that situation?

Is it true?

I notice when I have this belief that I wasn’t safe, every time, I survived.

Which is why I’m writing this now. I’m still here.

So no, it is not true that I wasn’t safe. Ever.

How do I react when I believe it’s possible to be threatened….

….and I have the proof of that particular situation I remember, the one where I thought I wasn’t safe?

I get all freaked out in the moment when I’m remembering it. I might even wake up at night, thinking. Even though I’m lying in bed, and it’s super safe.

Even though nothing is actually happening now….except thinking.

So who would I be without the belief in danger?

Alive. Laughing. Jumping in the water. Asking for help. Sharing. Slowing down. Watching.

Doing The Work.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you are (insert name here) or you need more of anything, or you can’t stop with just one, or you don’t want to be alone?

What if you turned all these around?

  • I am not (insert my name here)
  • I can stop with only one (cookie, kiss, thought)
  • I do want to be alone
  • I do not need more money
  • I already am secure

Could these be just as true, or truer?

I am already amazed by the wisdom and beauty of these fellow inquirers in Summer Camp For The Mind.Everyone brings to me the reminder, the joy and excitement, of what is available right here, right now.Freedom. Security. Safety. Silence. Mystery. Infinity. Trust.

“You’re imagining yourself right out of existence. It’s not a small thing we’re doing here….And there’s nothing that’s not good news, if your mind is right.” ~ Byron Katie speaking in Being With Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp is still four more weeks starting Wednesday at noon. Click the link to see the schedule, and join us for the un-doing adventure. In a good way.
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Faster Than A Speeding Bullet…Look! It’s A Thought!

the speed of thought is *zoom*
the speed of thought is *zoom*

It’s amazing how speedy quick thought happens.

Kinda like Superman.
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Thoughts are crazy wild, racing down the German Autobahn.
It is concerning, since thoughts move and multiply so chaotically and exponentially, when a thought produces stress.
Gentle, happy, easy, smooth or wonderful thoughts aren’t so difficult to deal with.
(Although…funny side effect……when you question troubling thoughts, the thrilling ones can also dissolve. This is not a bad thing. More on this another day).
Thoughts. Move. Fast.
This is on my mind because I spoke about “stopping” thought on the Peace Talk podcast I was recording just today.
You can’t.
Stop thought, that is.
But you can stop believing what you think, taking it seriously, thinking its important, repeating it for years.
How?
Through self-inquiry, of course. Do The Work.
Why do it though?
What a pain…..I mean, it takes work. It seems like when doing the work, the mind is busy-busy and the brain is analyzing and obsessing and contemplating and “working” and crunching.
You have to write things down, to have to get people to ask you the four questions, you have to look at your immature, frightened thinking.
Who needs it!?!
Jeez! Give it a rest!
That’s the thing, though.
Have you tried to give it a rest, and noticed…
…you actually can’t?
Mind thinks thoughts.
“You either question your stressful thoughts, or not. That’s your only choice.” ~ Byron Katie
If you notice your mind has occasionally been full of thoughts about a topic, a person, an issue, an incident or a situation.
And you’ve even tried many ways of resolving these thoughts, getting rid of them, shaking them off, changing the channel, eating, drinking, distracting yourself, falling in love, quitting, moving on, going to therapy.
If you’ve tried everything, may you might want to write down what runs through your mind?
The uncomfortable, terrible thoughts.
And ask….
Is it true?
Are you absolutely sure?
How do you react when you believe this, when you think it over and over again? What happens inside your body? How do you act?
Who would you be if you just got here from Jupiter and you weren’t a human after all but instead were an entity made of star dust? Like ET, what if you had never learned, with all your conditioning and stories, all the ideas you have about THIS difficult situation?
Can you use your imagination to see things differently?
Start with one simple painful thought.
Like….she hurt me. He hurt me. I’m in danger. This isn’t safe.
Become an un-believer. Give yourself the freedom you really, truly desire.
The freedom you truly have already.
“Human beings have a drive for security and safety, which is often what fuels the spiritual search. This very drive for security and safety is what causes so much misery and confusion. Freedom is a state of complete and absolute insecurity and not knowing. So, in seeking security and safety, you actually distance yourself from the freedom you want. There is no security in freedom, at least not in the sense that we normally think of security. This is, of course, why it is so free: there’s nothing there to grab hold of.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love,
Grace
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A Strange Thing To Do When Something Is Missing

Noticing what is here may help you enter the turnaround that all is well, now.
Noticing what is here, now, may help you feel peace.

Last weekend in Eating Peace, the intensive program exploring food, eating and bodies that’s currently underway, our 90 minute webinar presentation dove into beginning a grand exploration of Not Enough.

Deficiency. Something Missing. Absent. Lacking.

It’s a mysterious and murky area, the feelings are troubling, the thoughts scattered.

I used to feel like I was visiting here on the planet, and not “home”.

Kinda like ET.

Sad, determined to return home, suffering more as time passed without getting there.

All the time it was like something was missing, someone’s absent but I wasn’t sure who, something lacking in me or in the environment.

Not enough. Not sufficient.

I may not always feel at home now, but my relationship to this not-home-ness is very different than the sadness and longing I once felt.

I’m very interested in this not-homey feeling, when it arrives.

I know it’s a reaction to an orientation where my view is thatsomething is definitely missing.

How do you know you’re having a Not Enough, Deficient moment?

You’re overcome with wanting to grab for something, or you’re very focused on rejecting something, or you wanna bolt.

If you use activities, thoughts or substances in this world to get away from not-enough-ness, then you might notice you’re having a big craving to eat, or to go do the activity that helps you escape or find comfort.

Maybe you can’t sleep for repeating in your mind how much you hate or fear something….you’re rejecting it with anger, argument, even rage.

Relationships are a *great* place for not enough-ness to show up.

That person leaves, and you have a heart attack you’re so distressed.

Or you’re madly in love with someone, and I mean “madly”.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Kind of embarrassing.

It’s doesn’t have to be logical, you notice it come into your awareness and BOOM….

….this moment now is missing something.

Not good enough. Not kind enough or fun enough. Not powerful, full, or strong enough!

Even if it’s quite overwhelming, if you pause and wait a moment before acting (and this might feel yucky or alarming at first) you may be surprised.

Without the belief that you will be swallowed up by emptiness and lack and that there really is something missing, who would you be?

What would that be like?

What would it be like to not DO something about this emptiness?

This includes not eating, drinking, smoking, doing, thinking, acting, getting busy, obsessing, sending emails or pining after that love-of-your-life character that got away.

Without the belief that this situation is really Not Enough….you might recognize what you’ve lost, either right now, or in the past.

You might sob with grief.

Here’s what was strange about the change I felt about being here in life, incarnated as a human being (apparently) just like you:

When I was crushed with the awareness of Something Missing and that there was nothing I could do about it….

….I began to see what I could do about it.

And it wasn’t eat.

It wasn’t grab desperately, or reject with a vengeance, or run for the hills from anyone or anything.

It was staying where I was and looking around in the present moment, being with the one I was with….now.

“By feeling the emotions, you can get to an understanding; you can get to see what it is you lost, and experience it. We need to become aware of our emotions in order to understand and see our essence; emotions are a guide and point to where essence has been lost….Essence is something more real and more substantial than emotions. Essence is something as real as your blood.” ~ A.H. Almaas

Turning the thought around: nothing is missing, lacking, absent, deficient about anything in this moment.

“It is not my experience that we are here to fix the world, that we are here to change anything at all.  I think we are here so the world can change us.  And if part of that change is that the suffering of the world moves us to compassion, to awareness, to sympathy, to love, that is a very good thing.” ~ Cheri Huber

Today, even if you feel your heart will break….can you sit and notice what is in your situation, your environment, that isn’t missing?

What IS here?

Can I notice, and find examples, for just a moment…rather than notice what isn’t here?

Wow.

There’s so much here.

I can’t believe I missed it.

Much love, Grace

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Knock Knock, Who’s There? Eternal Nagging

I’ve mentioned before that the guy who’s often called the father of modern psychology, William James, is quoted as saying:

“There is nothing so fatiguing as the eternal nagging of an uncompleted task.”

But WE know it’s really about the eternal nagging of an “un-inquired thought.”

By that I mean a thought that keeps knocking…and knocking… and knocking on the door of our awareness….

…politely trying to get our attention at first.

Maybe just having a little sour feeling about some upcoming tasks.

Then you remember that incident with your mother, quite a long time ago, and you feel disturbed.

Then you have a startling moment with your teenager and the thought, you realize, is more present.

Cranking it from a gentle knock and a whisper…to a thump and a loud cough…to a louder, “HEY!,”….

And then you experience a shattering betrayal, a frightening accident, a dreadful loss.

The eternal nagging has become a scream, and it’ll kick the door down if we continue to ignore it.

It’s like the Ever Ready Bunny that keeps going…and going…and going…

Of course, I think a wonderful and safe place to “open the door,” acknowledge the knocking, and inquire into the thought and the pain, is to sit yourself down and do The Work.

You can do this in Summer Camp this summer, or a teleclass (Eating Peace will begin in a month, stay tuned), or in a Year of Inquiry if you’re serious about the practice of investigating thoughts, starting in September.

Begin by writing down what nags at you, what disturbs you. Visit your worries, invite them in.

Before they turn into really rowdy, difficult guests.

But even if they are difficult, you can do it.

Be better than well.

Much love, Grace