Psycho Prison of Believing What You Think

Reminder to all Breitenbush participants from the past: if you register before May 1st, your fee is only $295 (you save $100). Important to write to me grace@workwithgrace.com if you are coming back so we can alert the offices at Breitenbush of your special repeater fee.

And setting up time to sit and do The Work in the power of a group….what a wise and wonderful thing to do.

Well, it sure has been for me. The difference between me BEFORE spending time questioning my thinking….and me AFTER questioning my thinking….

….is almost unrecognizable for me inside myself. 

This could only happen when I set aside the time, as a priority, for self-inquiry. And in different phases of my life, this hasn’t been easy.

Recently, a YOI (Year of Inquiry) participant who just attended the School for The Work for the first time called me and said “Wow. After doing The School, I realize I want to do The Work all the time. I need to be in this Year of Inquiry group more than ever.”

Maybe some of us are such good “do-ers” in this world, that sitting quietly and examining our beliefs just doesn’t appear to be that productive.

Believe me, when I have typically “set aside time” on my own calendar without an official retreat, guidance, facilitation, teacher, a group, or a one-on-one session with another inquiring friend……

…..guess what that blocked out time looked like in real life?

Errands, going to the gym, reading, answering emails, laundry, updating curriculum, tweaking my website, dishes, talking with my husband and kids, checking my texts, looking at the internet, adding on a last-minute client right into that exact blocked out slot.

All the productivity teachers talk about the same kind of thing. 

They suggest doing the thing first that has the greatest, most meaningful value for you, every day.

It’s weird that we’re set up this way…to sort of skip over this quieter song within, and “get” everything else “done”.

There is something of great draw for you in your heart, something has stirred inside you with desire for personal understanding, but you dismiss it and set it over in the corner to come back to, later. 

Even something as common as exercising, taking a new class, meeting a good friend for tea, creating something new, taking your car to the shop, making a doctor’s appointment, finishing your book.

You don’t do it now. You wait. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

But once you see the pleasure, the change, the movement of energy and a shift in your feelings, the dissolving of stress, unhappiness leaving, or confusion becoming clear….

….then whatever assisted in that change, whether slight or magnificent, becomes very, very interesting.

To put it mildly.

Then, you hardly need to set aside time for retreat and personal inquiry and meditation. Because your life becomes full of it every day, all the time. No need to go anywhere or do anything. Your mind *thinks* and you wonder if it’s true, and you might start laughing. 

Awareness of who you truly are stays centered, clear, present in every tiny moment.

But what if your mind is so speedy that you aren’t sure what you’re even thinking in the first place that leads to stress? What if you feel hurt by someone? What if you feel fearful about having cancer, upset about losing your job, self-critical about hating your boss, sad because of the lack of fun or sexuality in your primary relationship, or disturbed with the way you drink or eat?

What if there is something that keeps pestering you for awareness, understanding, clarity or resolve? What if something BIG went down between you and someone, and you can’t stop thinking about it some nights?

Maybe that commenting thinking voice is there for a reason! 

It’s a strange thing to compare the investigation of the mind with athletic training. But as an athletic person myself, I find it wonderfully similar in many ways.

Here is this body that is a moving machine. Here is this thinking machine. Being “me”. Resisting, planning, formulating conclusions, getting conditioned, believing, hoping, imagining, seeing, knowing, learning, adding, subtracting. 

There appears to be an identity here that is unique, thinking, perceiving from this special vantage point. There appears to be a body here that might “win” if competing with the best in the world. 

All very well….until a fly gets in the ointment. You’re training for the Olympics, and you twist your knee. 

A powerful athlete does everything to take care of that knee. She moves over to healing the knee, so she can carry on with the bigger picture, the greater goal. 

This is how I see every session, every group, every telecall, every retreat, every gathering of souls doing The Work together. We’re on a journey, and we’ve noticed we have a common “situation”. 

The mind got twisted. So instead of continuing to ignore it, we’re turning our attention to it entirely. 

Because without healing that injury, there will be no chance for anything more. No Olympics. No peace.

“We must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on. This begins by realizing that we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

The Work….which is four questions and then finding the turnarounds….is a simple structure for this inquiry. Simple, yet complex. 

The questions are big ones, the answers are your own. 

But oh how incredible to examine the thoughts that create stress in your life, the ones that bring on sadness, terror, anxiety, anger, and emotional pain. These kinds of thoughts and memories that produce something that feels like falseness.

The falseness of forever being a “do-er” without stopping to slow down, take a look, and enter something deeper in yourself.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~ Byron Katie

Before self-inquiry, I had to look to a ton of different solutions in order to find relief. 

After self-inquiry? All I needed was a pen a paper, time to investigate, and then…the joy of not believing everything I think.

If you want to give your mind the attention it seeks on that issue (or issues) that keep pestering you for resolution….

….then come immerse yourself in the beauty of knowing you, investigating your mind, and getting a glimpse of who you really are. 

Because no one wants to stay in a psychological prison. And it’s hard to stay in there all by yourself. 

Find a partner, get someone you know to facilitate you, start writing out your answers to the four questions, take a class, sign up for Breitenbush. 

You’ll be sooooo glad you did. You could change your life, your world, your past, your future. Really. 

Because that’s what has happened for me.

Love, Grace

Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

Chicken Soup For The Nit-Picky Mind

News flash: Breitenbush has 2 spots free. Join us for an in-person inquiry retreat in Oregon June 26-30. It will be fabulous. Click here for all the info.

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Have you ever thought of yourself as being too negative?

You notice a little complaint rise up about the temperature, or you notice that your co-worker’s laugh is rather annoying, or you see how your artwork is never quite good enough, or your spouse keeps repeating himself the same irksome way.

Today I was hiking through the jungle in Bali. Really, it was Raiders of The Lost Ark along ancient-looking paved walkways and steep staircases descending to a valley, gigantic waterfalls, wild mist rolling in, long stone stair steps all the way back up to the top of the village perched on the edge of a volcano, stunning views of the Bali Sea sparkling for a second in the distant before huge dark warm clouds rolled in again.

As I was hiking, with eyes as big as lightbulbs, it occurred to me that I haven’t included in Grace Notes enough of the glorious, quite stunning, exotic and awe-striking aspects of this country that I’ve encountered.

I’ve been too negative, mentioning a few little forays into rather minor, although perhaps stressful, situations.

What will people think!?

If you’re too negative, people get fed up. If you’re too nit-picky, people can’t take it anymore and they leave. If you’re too critical, people say mean things to you. If you’re too pessimistic, people won’t give you what you want.

The way I see it, there are two very important (and stressful) belief-systems to question in this line of thinking:

  1. I need people, I need to be liked, I want to be loved, I dislike being alone.
  2. Can I question that thing I consider to be negative, nit-picky, critical, pessimistic?

Yes, so even if the thought seems minor, sort of stupid, not really that important…and petty, childish, and dumb…put it on paper, and take it to inquiry.

For example: “her voice is too sweet like fake maple syrup” or “I don’t talk about what is positive often enough” or “He should stop talking” or “I’m too nit-picky”.

So I decided to inquire.

What is going on in that moment when I have the thought “her voice is too fakey”?

Why do I care? What does it mean?

And what about the moment I think that being negative is bad?

“I need people to like me.” Is that actually true? Yes. It would be terrible if people hate me! It would be bad if that person with the fakey voice knew what I was thinking about her.

I really do need to be a positive person. It’s just better for the world….really? 

YES!

Can I absolutely KNOW that this is true?

YES! Positivity is better! Down with negativity!

How I react when I believe the thought that people, including me, should be positive all the time? Ack, it’s a lot of work. And feels dishonest, false, like an energy-drain.

I notice, also, that when someone else seems super-dee-dooper positive like Ned Flanders, I am judgmental of them. So there’s a line…this is not really logical. I just want to control the situation and have it go “well”.

Thinking that it’s better to be one certain way becomes a trap, and I stop being able to be freely whatever is here, in this moment.

Who would I be without the thought that positive is better…because I need to be liked?

What would that really be like to NOT have the thought that I need to be any different than I am, and that I need love, or that I don’t have it already?

I’d be in the present, here looking around, noticing the mind running on like usual (that rascal) and watching it go on about its preferences and dislikes…but not really believing any of it.

I’d have a nice conversation with the syrup-voice woman and find she’s very awesome, and I’d notice he doesn’t interrupt me about 98% of the time, and I’d realize that sometimes, it’s hilariously funny how negative the mind can get.

When I turn all the thoughts around, I discover that I’m not too negative, and sometimes I’m too positive (ha!) and I’m noticing just the right amount of tiny details (the nit-picky part) and I actually do not need that person, or anyone, to like me.

“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that…. That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life… Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.” ~ Anthony de Mello

It is indeed a strange mystery that I never could have predicted a decade ago, or EVER, that I would be in another land called Bali.

I have learned so much, and watched my mind, and been delighted in the Course in Miracles idea being so vivid “I do not know what anything is for.”

And I also know that you don’t have to go here, ever, to have adventure. Life is a mystery, right where you are.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three spaces left in the One Year Program which starts on Tuesday, June 11th at 8:00 am Pacific time with our first 90 minute telecall…an inner adventure in reality. Also, 8 week MONEY class Thursdays, June 13th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time, and FOOD/EATING class Tuesdays, June 11th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm.