If you’re wanting to take the last spot for the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven, which runs for 8 sessions, we start today at 9 am Pacific Time! Reply to this email if this is for you. We meet 9/22 – 11/17 (no class 10/20).
And speaking of relationships from hell.
Have you ever said “no” to someone, or not met their expectations in some way….maybe you disappointed them, or didn’t return their call soon enough, or you weren’t as excited about something as they were.
They sent you a cold email, or a short text, or a brief note that’s not like their usual friendly self.
They are not pleased. You did it wrong.
During this past weekend I got to sit with a wonderful group of inquirers all investigating their thinking about important close relationships, their imperfect bodies, their spiritual practice.
What a spectacular way to spend the weekend, exploring ancient thoughts that hurt.
As another inquirer investigated her thought about feeling a divide between her and one of her best friends, I remembered my good friend Carrie from a really long time ago.
And how it went bad.
Carrie was about six years younger than me, and the difference between age 18 and 24 seemed huge. I felt like her way bigger sister. I worked in the music department of a university where she was a music major.
She started coming in more and more often to the main office. My desk was one of the first ones anybody saw when they walked through the door.
We had fantastic conversations about parents, college, jobs, what happened to her when she was little, her survival of her childhood. It was sweet and intimate, and she could trust me to keep her stories private, and to honor them.
I could.
She graduated and went off to play her saxophone in gigs around town and work as a nanny.
She wrote me a letter. I smiled a big wide smile, very pleased to hear from her.
She sent me a card. I was touched and placed it on my desk.
Then she sent me cute silver carved turtle earrings (I still have them and wear them occasionally).
Wow, what a sweetheart! I called her and left her a message saying Thank You. This was before cell phones. We had answering machines.
In my own personal life, I was pretty miserable. I was frightened. In the middle of receiving Carrie’s communications, I went into inpatient eating disorders treatment. I was there for four weeks. When I came out, I quit my job, and moved back to the city where I grew up.
Then….after quite a few weeks….a not-so-friendly letter arrives at my parent’s house.
You never write back, you never try to contact me, you’ve always got better things to do. You’re not the caring person I thought.
Carrie felt pissed. Dismissed. Not cared for. Unimportant. Small. Not special.
I felt sad reading that letter.
Too bad I didn’t have the work at the time…it would be many years before I found it.
Because I could have questioned my troubled thinking, and gotten free.
She shouldn’t have impossible expectations. She shouldn’t believe I’m a dismissive person. She shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. She pressured me. If this is how needy she is, then good riddance.
De-fense! De-fense! Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap! (Like the cheers at football games, right?)
Is it true she shouldn’t have written that to me?
Is it true she shouldn’t feel pain, be hurt, be upset, see me as a horrible friend and a rotten person?
Yes! She’s expecting too much!
Are you sure?
Who would you be without that belief?
Oh.
You mean without the thought that I was neglectful? Without the belief that she’s wrong about me? Without the belief that she’s too needy? Without the thought I shouldn’t ever disappoint anyone?
Without any of those thoughts, I notice a huge empty space, and relaxation.
I notice a simple inner appreciation for her. I notice sending her love, and then I notice my surroundings. I notice my freedom.
No need to stop everything and rush to anxiously apologize. No need to believe I did it wrong or it went badly. No fear of her anger, her dislike, her disgust or disappointment, her view of me.
“It’s not what people say that upsets us, it’s what we hear that upsets us….The tone of their voice, right? If you really want to know the truth, step in front of a screamer. When someone does that thing with their voice, what’s going in your head about that is the pain you’re feeling, the suffering you’re feeling. An open mind is someone who is hearing, rather than imagining what you’re hearing.” ~ Byron Katie
I turn my thoughts around: I shouldn’t have impossible expectations of her, or of myself. I shouldn’t believe she’s a dismissive person. I shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. I pressured me. If this is how needy I am, then she’s better off without me.
Phew.
I realize how much Carrie loved me, how caring and giving she was, how interested she was in me, how much she wanted to be in my life, how close she wanted to be, how honest, strong, passionate she was.
She was more present and proactive towards me, more loving and attentive, than I was about myself!
“Give up defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If you feel unresolved, upset, confused, sad, irritated, stressed, in pain about any relationship….begin to question your beliefs about that person.
You may be surprised at how that person you are upset with is a person in your imagination, not the one you think they are.
If you need support in this….join us tomorrow in the relationship hell to heaven class.
“When you judge another person unkindly, you hurt you.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace