Could he be saying what I’m already telling myself? Wow, maybe I could turn it around!
Has someone ever given you advice you didn’t ask for?
There they go, on and on telling you about their lawyer, or their vitamin plan, their stress-reduction method of inquiry (LOL), their daily exercise routine.
Recently, an inquirer told me she received the advice, for the umpteenth time….”why don’t you just stop thinking about it?!” when telling someone about her thoughts.
Well, she did say it was yet another MAN giving her advice to stop thinking about it.
So maybe a few thoughts about men and what they in particular have to say to her about “thinking”.
But let’s look at advice.
The kind where someone is making suggestions, giving you ideas, offering solutions to the problem, saying “try this!” or saying “just stop!” or getting out a piece of paper to write some important items down….
….and all you really wanted was a listener.
He shouldn’t say that. He should stop giving advice. He should listen, without problem-solving. In fact, he should stop talking. I’m outta here!
Is it true he shouldn’t be like that?
Yes! I was already annoyed, wanting to talk about a few things and shake it out a little, and he had to start asserting his opinion! So flippant! Just telling me to STOP worrying about the thing I’m worrying about? Jeez, I wish I thoughta that, what a genius!
Oh. You asked a question?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true, he shouldn’t say those words? Act like that? Be that way?
No.
I can’t find that I absolutely 100% know it’s true. He’s saying words, based on his point of view. He can say whatever he wants. I really don’t know he shouldn’t say what he says. I’m not a dictator of his words. Heh heh.
So how do you react when you think someone shouldn’t say what they say? When they already said it?
It’s like a volcanic tantrum. Anger. Fury. Cut-off. Disconnect.
Some people yell back, immediately (maybe on the inside)! How dare you say that to me!?! Who do you think you are?
But who would you be if you couldn’t think the thought, like if it couldn’t even go through your mind, that someone shouldn’t say what they said.
Because first of all, it happened. They said it.
Like so many of the events and situations that happened that we still think about and replay in our heads, and really didn’t like….
….they happened.
Now, they’re over.
So without the thought they shouldn’t have said what they did say, I notice the silence, the emptiness in that moment. I notice the words floated from that mouth into my ear, and that’s all that happened.
I love how Byron Katie once gave an example of her former husband Paul yelling at her, swearing and cussing and upset with a red face, and she listened and heard his words and asked herself silently….”yes, where the hell DO I think I’m going?” and noticed she had no idea, and that maybe it was a valid question.
Why don’t you just stop thinking about it?
Hmmm. Good question. I’ve been wondering the very same thing! For about 40 years!
Without the thought he shouldn’t say what he said, I’d have a genuine sense of humor, not that poking, mean kind. I’d hear the question, or the words, and really hear them, without offense.
I’d notice he’s trying to help, or stop my anxiety, or stop his anxiety.
I wouldn’t have to defend myself or take it personally.
Turning it around: he should say that to me. I shouldn’t say it to him (the stuff in my head I’ve been saying every since he said it). I shouldn’t say this to myself!
Ooooh, I shouldn’t say to myself “Why don’t I just stop thinking about it” (whatever IT is)?
I shouldn’t beat myself into a pulp for….thinking.
Because instead, I can notice how amazing, brilliant, prolific, wild, chaotic, exciting, crazy my thoughts are….
….and how wonderful it has become to question them! I should keep on thinking and thinking! Until I don’t!
What an amazing puzzle, a sweet adventure, a mind-blowing experience to have THOUGHT these thoughts, and yes, notice how painful many of the stories are….
….but then to open up to a new world, through The Work.
A world where I love my thinking, even if it’s very childish, even if it’s impossible (like believing someone shouldn’t have said something they ALREADY said). A world where I get really smart messages I apparently needed to hear in a different voice besides my own.
“One of the things that I understood about the thoughts appearing inside me was that I was someone to be trusted with them. I was the vessel that they could appear in and finally be met with unconditional love. The same thoughts also came to me through my children [and others]. I treated them as what they were: visiting friends, neighbors I had misunderstood, who were kind enough to knock on m door again. Everyone is welcome here.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Running into someone who you used to know, who you used to have an entirely different relationship with, and now they’re right in front of you is sometimes……weird.
But let’s be honest.
It’s only weird if there’s unfinished, unresolved thoughts and feelings about this person.
It happened to me the other day.
On Facebook.
OK, OK, OK….I know that’s not actually running in to someone!
It can feel that way for a second, though.
And it results in the same response. Like….oh. Wow. There they are. One word or “like” or chat head away. Just a click of the button or the keyboard.
Except, suddenly you’re flooded with not having anything to say because there was SO MUCH to say before (that was never said) or there was an unresolved “sting” that hurt between you.
What I’ve found is…..if something like this pops in to my radar…..
…..time to go back in time and do, you guessed it, The Work!
So I went to a moment, a situation, with that person where I felt really surprised and criticized, and later, angry.
I could see it clearly.
(And a voice in my head also was chattering while seeing that situation from the past: “you’ve done The Work on this already, it won’t help, this is stupid, just forget about it, who cares, it’s just on facebook, etc.”)
Thanks for sharing, oh voice, and I think I’ll take a look.
“She criticized me.”
I can see her eyes, hear her voice. I almost can’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember she admitted at the time she was feeling critical of me.
I see a kitchen, and all the other people milling around, putting away food, or eating, or washing dishes, and talking and laughing.
And this stinging voice saying sort of fiercely, directly, without any humor whatsoever when I was lying down….”could you help clean up?”
I see another moment when she’s asking me if I can join the group a little more, I’ve been working on my computer too much. And another moment where she’s talking about other people we’re with and how annoyed she is with them and planning on asking them never to come back.
I remember the feelings, as these images zip through my mind.
Scared of her judgment. Scared of her sharp eye. Scared of the way she’s bossing people, or kicking people out, or even praising people for that matter. Evaluating everyone.
Help! Run away! That’s her, on facebook!!
So is it true, she criticized me….or criticized other people.
Both, she did both. She is a super critical person.
That’s the truth.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true she criticized YOU?
Can you absolutely know she criticized those other people and kicked them out?
In that situation…..the answer seems like “yes”. It feels true. It appears true.
I look up the word “critical” as I consider her words, her manner, the way she spoke of others. It says the word “critical” is defined as disapproving, fault-finding, judgmental, scathing, accusatory, negative.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Deep breath.
How do I react when I think this is true about her?
Both afraid, and also critical of her, for being critical. Oh Lordy.
I don’t want to see her, not even on facebook. I don’t want to connect, or talk with her. I avoid her. I think of her as mean, and dangerous, and unenlightened.
I feel like there’s someone out there who isn’t fun to be around, and this thing in the universe (this person) is a pocket of discomfort, bad news.
So who would I be without this belief that she criticized me or anyone else? Who would I be without the belief she’s dangerous, or a threat, or frightening for me?
At first, as I imagine being without the thought, I notice how skittish I am sometimes, with some people. It’s like, all they did was speak words, and I’m freaking out and yelling “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!”
There was no physical pain, there was no dramatic scene. There was no yelling, or loud noise.
Without my belief, I suddenly remember when I met her and how we talked for 4 hours straight into the night. And how much we have in common. Only days apart in age, and both the oldest of four, and both with fathers who died young.
Gosh.
I forgot about these things I love about her, until this experience of wondering who I’d be without the memory of her criticizing me,without the belief that she did.
Turning the thoughts around: she didn’t criticize me, I criticized her, I criticized myself.
I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, criticizing others. Right in the moment I believed, with so much fear, that she criticized me it was like a wall of fearful energy exploded between us and I never let myself get that close to her again.
Until now.
Remembering.
Opening up to how much I love her, and how much I love in general.
Could her communication to me be her best attempt to reach out for what she needed in that moment? To connect? To protect herself? To be heard? To make a situation she didn’t like, more favorable?
And maybe I’ve done the very same thing, every time I’ve been critical.
“Life itself is not a conclusion, and all mental conclusions are really there to be shattered, and this shattering of fixed views we call waking up, and it is a timeless process with no beginning and no end in sight. There are no ‘fixed’ waves in the vast, wild ocean of life. Let’s always keep the dialogue going, and never let it become a monologue. And then criticism will not be something we have to ‘deal with’ at all, but something we look forward to, something we embrace and cherish, since now we know it is only an invitation to deeply meet beyond stories, and surrender even more deeply to life and each other.” ~ Jeff Foster
Bring on the criticism.
It stirs something inside, a spark, a fire, a passion.
Could it be reality? Humanity? Love? A gift? A breaking of the shell?
If you’re wanting to take the last spot for the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven, which runs for 8 sessions, we start today at 9 am Pacific Time! Reply to this email if this is for you. We meet 9/22 – 11/17 (no class 10/20).
And speaking of relationships from hell.
Have you ever said “no” to someone, or not met their expectations in some way….maybe you disappointed them, or didn’t return their call soon enough, or you weren’t as excited about something as they were.
They sent you a cold email, or a short text, or a brief note that’s not like their usual friendly self.
They are not pleased. You did it wrong.
During this past weekend I got to sit with a wonderful group of inquirers all investigating their thinking about important close relationships, their imperfect bodies, their spiritual practice.
What a spectacular way to spend the weekend, exploring ancient thoughts that hurt.
As another inquirer investigated her thought about feeling a divide between her and one of her best friends, I remembered my good friend Carrie from a really long time ago.
And how it went bad.
Carrie was about six years younger than me, and the difference between age 18 and 24 seemed huge. I felt like her way bigger sister. I worked in the music department of a university where she was a music major.
She started coming in more and more often to the main office. My desk was one of the first ones anybody saw when they walked through the door.
We had fantastic conversations about parents, college, jobs, what happened to her when she was little, her survival of her childhood. It was sweet and intimate, and she could trust me to keep her stories private, and to honor them.
I could.
She graduated and went off to play her saxophone in gigs around town and work as a nanny.
She wrote me a letter. I smiled a big wide smile, very pleased to hear from her.
She sent me a card. I was touched and placed it on my desk.
Then she sent me cute silver carved turtle earrings (I still have them and wear them occasionally).
Wow, what a sweetheart! I called her and left her a message saying Thank You. This was before cell phones. We had answering machines.
In my own personal life, I was pretty miserable. I was frightened. In the middle of receiving Carrie’s communications, I went into inpatient eating disorders treatment. I was there for four weeks. When I came out, I quit my job, and moved back to the city where I grew up.
Then….after quite a few weeks….a not-so-friendly letter arrives at my parent’s house.
You never write back, you never try to contact me, you’ve always got better things to do. You’re not the caring person I thought.
Carrie felt pissed. Dismissed. Not cared for. Unimportant. Small. Not special.
I felt sad reading that letter.
Too bad I didn’t have the work at the time…it would be many years before I found it.
Because I could have questioned my troubled thinking, and gotten free.
She shouldn’t have impossible expectations. She shouldn’t believe I’m a dismissive person. She shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. She pressured me. If this is how needy she is, then good riddance.
De-fense! De-fense! Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap! (Like the cheers at football games, right?)
Is it true she shouldn’t have written that to me?
Is it true she shouldn’t feel pain, be hurt, be upset, see me as a horrible friend and a rotten person?
Yes! She’s expecting too much!
Are you sure?
Who would you be without that belief?
Oh.
You mean without the thought that I was neglectful? Without the belief that she’s wrong about me? Without the belief that she’s too needy? Without the thought I shouldn’t ever disappoint anyone?
Without any of those thoughts, I notice a huge empty space, and relaxation.
I notice a simple inner appreciation for her. I notice sending her love, and then I notice my surroundings. I notice my freedom.
No need to stop everything and rush to anxiously apologize. No need to believe I did it wrong or it went badly. No fear of her anger, her dislike, her disgust or disappointment, her view of me.
“It’s not what people say that upsets us, it’s what we hear that upsets us….The tone of their voice, right? If you really want to know the truth, step in front of a screamer. When someone does that thing with their voice, what’s going in your head about that is the pain you’re feeling, the suffering you’re feeling. An open mind is someone who is hearing, rather than imagining what you’re hearing.” ~ Byron Katie
I turn my thoughts around: I shouldn’t have impossible expectations of her, or of myself. I shouldn’t believe she’s a dismissive person. I shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. I pressured me. If this is how needy I am, then she’s better off without me.
Phew.
I realize how much Carrie loved me, how caring and giving she was, how interested she was in me, how much she wanted to be in my life, how close she wanted to be, how honest, strong, passionate she was.
She was more present and proactive towards me, more loving and attentive, than I was about myself!
“Give up defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If you feel unresolved, upset, confused, sad, irritated, stressed, in pain about any relationship….begin to question your beliefs about that person.
You may be surprised at how that person you are upset with is a person in your imagination, not the one you think they are.
If you need support in this….join us tomorrow in the relationship hell to heaven class.
“When you judge another person unkindly, you hurt you.” ~ Byron Katie
I have an exciting new project starting in the near future…a Podcast!
I hope it’ll be super helpful for continuing to offer you (and me) inspiration in questioning your troubled thinking and seeing what unexpected fun, relief, and freedom can appear in your life.
Click Here to answer two brief questions about it…the first one being: what should the title of the podcast be? You get to choose between two, or offer me a suggestion. It’ll only take two seconds, so click here to give me your feedback. It will really help me out.
Speaking of feedback…what an interesting area of investigation for our relationships with others.
Someone gives us feedback, we like it or we don’t like it. We give someone feedback, they like it, or not so much.
And then…we might have a few thoughts about those people who either gave us feedback or who we gave feedback to, and what it means.
That rotten jerk, how dare he say such a thing to me, I will never talk to him again! That beeoch, she’s so defensive, I was just trying to tell her to chill out! Those dorks, they don’t know what they’re talking about when they say I screwed up! These ding bats, they never change, even when I give them good suggestions!
This week in the Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass, a fabulous inquirer had this thought to bring to questioning: “I want my partner to prioritize my feedback!”
Yeah! You got that right!
People should listen to what I want, hear what I’m suggesting, understand my ideas, take my comments into consideration!
Or what about if you’re on the reverse side of the feedback, where you’re the receiver?
People should stop being so picky, stop trying to control the situation, be more flexible, not have so many opinions, quit competing with me!
The stress appears all in that moment, so speedy it’s faster than greased lightening. FEAR!
Whether you’ve given feedback that appears to be ignored or criticized, or received feedback you don’t like….some of the same core beliefs come alive.
And they can cause a lot of pain on the inside.
I’m kicked out. They don’t like me. I’m not important. I did it wrong. No one cares about me.
Let’s take a look.
Hold that situation in your mind, where feedback went BAD.
Either you gave it or received it, and it hurt.
In that situation, is it true that you did something wrong, you’re out, you’re not likable or important, or that those people don’t care about you?
Yes. They said mean things. They withdrew. I feel guilty. I should have never….they should never….
Are you positively sure these things are true, that the way the feedback was given or received was overall BAD BAD?
No.
I don’t know everything going on in that other person’s mind. They are allowed their own opinion. They have it anyway, I notice.
How do you react when you believe this feedback exchange means YOU are outta line, you messed up?
Oh man.
Sick to my stomach, enraged, ready to go on a rant, or hit something! Ready to QUIT!
Fine! If that’s the way you react to me speaking up then good riddance! If that’s what you think of me, then good riddance!
(March off, slam door. Write email, hit send).
So who would you be without the belief that this news, this feedback, means you are unlovable, wrong, or uncared for, stupid, or unimportant?
“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense and justification. It’s not right or wrong, it just isn’t intelligent. War isn’t intelligent……After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that I am hurt in this feedback thing that’s happened….WOW.
I actually want to know more.
If they don’t like my feedback, I want to hear more about their thoughts, their feelings, what’s going on inside.
If I’ve gotten their feedback, I hear it and nod and allow it to enter me, instead of pushing it away.
I’m invited in. They like me. I’m important. I did it right. Everyone cares about me.
I notice now that the people I’ve had greatest conflict with, what we’d call (to put it mildly) negative feedback…have been the most important, dynamic, powerful teachers in my life.
“Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself….Search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.” ~ Anthony De Mello
OK, so when I’m afraid I’m not loved and given uncomfortable feedback, or they ignore or react to mine….I can look inside myself.
Oh. It’s pretty vast in here. Right?
It’s expansive, open, patient, unattached, spacious, gracious, full of humor.
I thought it was them….then I thought it was me….but then I realized it’s no one.
Last night the Money class met and we looked at such a simple and very common thought….
….that person should appreciate my work.
There you are, doing what you do to earn money, receive money, or be supported by money, like go to a job, and in the middle of that activity you are not appreciated.
Oh boy. Not only to I “have” to go to this job, but I even have to deal with so-and-so the unappreciative one.
I remember having a job long ago where the person I interacted with the most of all I considered to be harsh, judgmental, critical, fakey, false and needy. She had complained about me and ever since then, I felt like I was in trouble and needed to be vigilant.
Heh heh. She was so upsetting!
It was true!
How did I react when I believed that she was all those things, and totally and completely unappreciative of my work?
I gave her the silent treatment.
Of course, inside, I was scared to death. I felt nervous around her, I wanted to retreat. I was afraid because she had criticized me once in a pretty big way….and it lingered. I thought of her as dangerous. She might hurt me again.
Like a cute little bulldog that would bite my hand off if I reached out to pet it.
But who would I be without that belief that she never appreciated me, or my work, and she should?
Sometimes with this question, people will think….WAIT! I need that thought! Otherwise, I’ll forget, I’ll reach out to pet her, and SNAP, no more hand!
I have found that it’s very stressful to continue to believe you must be cautious and careful.
But it’s not always easy to drop the thought that someone should appreciate you, who doesn’t.
It has a sort of edgy drama that can be dark, secretive, victim-y.
Oh, poor little me, she was such a &@*$% to me, and I will NEVER let her get close EVER and I dare her to try to get close to ME!
I mean, without the thought that she didn’t appreciate me, I couldn’t write my musical drama and perform it every day (on the inside of course) with her playing the villain role, and me playing the heroine.
Sigh.
If I really gave all that up, and imagined what it would be like to be in that person’s presence without the belief that I need her appreciation, ever…..
…..its entirely different, a world apart. Laughing, bouncing, peaceful to the core, imagining new possibilities, noticing so much more in my environment, feeling joy, moving on to other interests, noticing her attributes, her gentleness, how non-threatening she really is.
I feel MORE creative!
Turning the thought around: she should NOT have appreciated my work, in fact, I should have appreciated HER work, and I most of all should have appreciated myself.
Her being who she was offered an invitation to me to speak up, ask for what I wanted, detach (in a good way), simply be myself, express appreciation to her, shift fear into power.
Even though that happened many years ago, in this moment now I am still appreciating that exchange I had with that woman who sparked passion, confusion and clarity in me.
In fact, she helped me take my next steps in the world of work, I was inspired to contemplate myself, to resolve. I became aware of my own insecurity. I became clear about how much appreciation it appeared that I needed at all times in order to feel safe or happy.
No wonder I was so anxious!
Most of all, I loved how in our class last night one wise inquirer commented about this word “appreciation” and how it actually is used in financial terminology all the time.
Appreciation is gaining in value, getting lifted up, lifted higher in worth.
Can I do that for others, and for myself?
Yes.
“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense or justification….Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss….until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, you Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie
The spring air was sweet, the rhododendrons bursting with ecstatic pink and red colors, the green everywhere all vivid and boisterous.
I went to a special event with my 17 year old daughter where someone showed up in the row in front of us who I went to college with, someone else in the same row recognized me from a long ferry ride six years ago, an old neighbor ran into me at the end in the aisle. I loved being there, the air was happy.
My daughter and I grocery-shopped and exchanged comments on how much we loved that store, everybody smiles there! So homey!
All was well!
Until…
….a little after returning home.
After happily unpacking groceries, checking emails, and doing a few other tasks, I went out to the garage looking for my husband, to say hello and see how his morning went.
When I opened the door of the garage, the loud sound of hockey on the TV, a container of friend chicken mostly eaten, an empty bottle of coke on the desk.
Instant thought: this is a waste of time and health.
Heh heh.
The moment washed through me and left as quick as a flash flood, but I remember a time when I would enter this kind of scene and act like I was under some kind of attack in the middle of a war zone, my judgment and defense was so up.
On the inside of course, I wouldn’t run screaming from the room and hide under a table. But you would think I’d been very seriously threatened, the way I was all fuming up on the inside with anti-TV and anti-junk-food commentary.
Here are some questions to ask yourself, to dissect that irritated moment and look more closely: When you see that situation, why is it bad? What’s wrong with that behavior, that scene, that person doing those things? What’s the worse that could happen, if it continues? What does it mean for you?
In my situation, it meant nothing creative is occurring, health is being jeopardized, time is being “wasted”.
Why should that person change? How would it make your life easier? Don’t immediately feel embarrassed for being selfish or hyper-critical…listen to yourself closely.
Then investigate with The Work.
The lists of needs that people have for their partners can be insanely long. People get really squirrelly about this, like even if they are seeking a mate and they are single.
I need my partner to never waste time, have good taste in music, clothes and art, eat well, maintain excellent health, be patient at all times, be creative, be successful, be wise, wealthy, unusual, spiritual, cutting edge, good conversationalist….you may have your list unconsciously placed in your mind and not even know it.
But that’s what you need…..is it true?
No.
If you answered “yes”, see if it’s absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt.
How do you react when you think someone should be like “x” and they are not? Or you can’t even find a person who is “x”?
Annoyed, irritable, fuming, critical and vicious. Maybe even sad, disappointed and isolating.
Once I knew a woman who had complained about her husband for 15 years. Every time I talked with her, she confided in me the same complaint.
He was always passive, not romantic enough, a workaholic, bland and lacked passion.
Who would you be without the thought that the behavior you’re witnessing is bothersome, in any way whatsoever?
Yes, really.
If you never thought that was wrong, a waste, troubling or bad…for you or for them.
Pretty amazing, pretty fun. No need to control, harp, get upset, and a lightness within, a return to your own inner self.
Without the thought, I get to come back to me and simply see what I prefer in this moment. I don’t need to make anyone agree with me, I just move out of the room, or the thoughts unravel themselves and I notice how fun this game is, how playful the atmosphere.
Turning the thought around…
My thinking is a waste of time and health, not his behavior.
Yikes!
“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~ Byron Katie
The thing is, I can love with all my heart, and it doesn’t mean I need to watch hockey. But if I do, I could be surprised and curious, and enjoy it or learn something new.
Without any time and joy-wasting thoughts that I need to see certain qualities (or, I demand certain qualities) the freedom is so immense, it’s incredible.
I give up the imaginary person and notice the real one instead.
The real husband in my particular situation is one of the most happy, loving, joyful, accepting, wise people I’ve ever known. And he shows me what playing, relaxing and being looks like.
“Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. A clear mind is beautiful and sees only its own reflection. It bows in humility to itself; it falls at its own feet. It doesn’t add anything or subtract anything; it simply knows the difference between what’s real and what’s not. And because of this, danger isn’t a possibility.” ~ Byron Katie
A woman came to see me to work for awhile on her relationship with her husband.
They had been married for over twenty years.
She had thoughts like this….you may be able to relate:
he is completely self-absorbed
he doesn’t care about me
he was mean, rude, harsh
he shouldn’t have acted like that
he is soooooo judgmental
Yesterday the Friday YOI (Year of Inquiry) questioned this exact same last thought.
That person is so judgmental. They shouldn’t be! Especially about ME for crying out loud! But even about other people….so critical!
Well. Slowing down. Let’s do The Work.
Is it true that the person in question is judgey? Is it true he is hyper-critical? Are you positive they don’t try to understand your point of view?
YES.
I remember a friend of mine from many, many years ago. Red hair. I considered her intense, powerful, funny and a genuinely good person. But certainly opinionated. Not afraid to say it.
One day….she started talking about her boyfriend. AGAIN.
He’s passive, low sex drive, boring and not romantic enough, selfish and unambitious.
(Can’t she give it a rest?)
I’ve told her before that she might stand in his shoes a little, maybe relax about all her expectations….he seems like a pretty good man. I told her about the Four Agreements…..like for example Be Impeccable With Your Word.
She didn’t get the hint.
Is it true that she is hyper-critical, judgmental and controlling when it comes to her boyfriend?
Yes, she never stops criticizing, in this situation!!
How do I react when I think its true, when I believe she’s a little scary, a little too bossy, too critical, ripping her own partner to shreds?
I retreat. I act really nice. I am easy-going, supportive, a good friend. I try to “help”. Disappointed that whatever I say is not really heard.
Who would I be without that thought, though?
Immediately, I see someone who is nervous, has a lot of energy, wants something, thinks she doesn’t have it. I see someone furious, stressed, frightened.
Someone believing her thoughts about partners, boyfriends and herself.
“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you…..After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t be controlled: other peoples’ perception.” ~ Byron Katie
WOW.
Not only have I had trouble listening to criticism of me without defense, or fear, or justification…heh heh….but I’ve even not listened to my good friend criticizing her boyfriend, without judging HER.
I turn the thoughts around: she is judgmental and she should be.
I mean, so far in this entire story, every single person has been judgmental. It appears that’s the way of it.
That’s how we enter The Work.
Thank you judgments, thank you criticism, thank you vicious words, thank you meanness, thank you harshness, thank you everyone, thank you everyone.
The other day I was watching a short teaching video on my computer as I tried to figure out a technical step on my website.
The man had a super crazy thick New York accent, funny jokes, and was overall pretty entertaining. But I didn’t know how to solve my technical problem when the video was over!
It made me think about the instant moment of taking in someone’s personality. We all do it every day.
One person, very quiet and soft-spoken. One person boisterous and loud. Tid-bits of information about where that person is from, what their culture is like.
The mind, that information-gathering machine, will start commenting on peoples’ personalities immediately.
he is so kind
she is very needy
these people don’t think for themselves
that man is really angry
her mother talks only about herself, non-stop
those kids are very rebellious
that person will never stop suffering
Little assessments happening, all day long, about other people.
Many of us conclude very fast who we like and who we don’t like, what kinds of personalities are appealing, which ones not so much.
And we do this constant-commenting thing about ourselves as well…noticing what we’re like, how we behave, what we say, how we respond to all these people we run into.
One of my most favorite things (well….sometimes it feels a little scary) has been opening up to what other people say about MY personality.
Even asking them for feedback.
“I would really love to know, what works and what doesn’t work about the way I respond to you, the way I come across to you? I want to hear your true thoughts.”
WOW.
As I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with this question, and hearing peoples’ answers, I get really honest, amazing feedback.
A bunch of it is complimentary. This is beautiful to take in, of course.
But you may have noticed…the mind gets anxious about the stuff that is NOT so complimentary.
So that’s what I’m talking about today.
Here are a few things I’ve heard where I noticed a little fear arise, what people have said to me:
you should interrupt other people and stop them from talking so long when you’re facilitating a group
you don’t talk enough about yourself
you do too much cheerleading
you’re too passive
I need you to make a difference for me in one session with you (and you didn’t)
I didn’t understand your class
you don’t have enough time for me
you are not being collaborative, we have very different personalities
I don’t believe you
OMG! The mind will take off faster than a speeding bullet!
I need to change! How could this error have happened! They perceive me as imperfect! What can I do to fix this “problem”?!
HONK!!! (that’s the buzzer going off, TIME OUT!)
There is only fear or resistance in the mind that believes in being perfect, having no flaws……the mind that believes that being liked or approved of is important.
Once again, it’s like there’s a core underlying belief that got established somewhere, somehow (and it doesn’t matter where) that wants to be loved….whatever that means.
“I need to be seen as helpful, useful, worthy, loving, kind, likable, strong, successful, aware, enlightened, clear, supportive…”
The thing is, if these thoughts screams out from the rafters above all the other critical thoughts, you won’t ever get to really look at the so-called critical ones.
That list of criticisms might be VERY, VERY interesting to investigate.
“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself, just in case you don’t—-the world does! So if you’re a true seeker, open your mind to criticism….could they be right? Because until we realize what our enemy realizes about us, no change is possible. How can I change when I deny? It’s not possible.” ~ Byron Katie
When I hear what someone else tells me, and relax, I am not as frightened of their minds as I have been of my own mind.
I do not take it all so seriously.
Who would I be without the thought that people need to find me helpful, lovable, entertaining, important, effective?
I’d hear what they have to say with excitement, fascination, even joy.
I’d have the feeling inside “could they be right?” And I would look, watching with wonder, open to the awareness.
Without the thought that criticism is bad to receive, I trust the universe, I let go of trying to control anything or anyone and their opinion of me…
…I notice how thrilling this all is, and how all is well.
“There is nothing wrong with you.” ~ Cheri Huber
I start at the top of the list of feedback I have received. I take this to inquiry. I investigate. I find out what I have believed it means about me. My mind opens.
Thank you, everyone, who speaks their truth. Thank you everyone who comes, everyone who goes.
“And when you begin to feel this joy, that’s when you’ll know God’s nature. Then nobody will upset or disappoint you. Nothing will create a problem. It will all appear as part of the beautiful dance of creation unfolding before you.” ~ Michael Singer
