I have an exciting new project starting in the near future…a Podcast!
I hope it’ll be super helpful for continuing to offer you (and me) inspiration in questioning your troubled thinking and seeing what unexpected fun, relief, and freedom can appear in your life.
Click Here to answer two brief questions about it…the first one being: what should the title of the podcast be? You get to choose between two, or offer me a suggestion. It’ll only take two seconds, so click here to give me your feedback. It will really help me out.
Speaking of feedback…what an interesting area of investigation for our relationships with others.
Someone gives us feedback, we like it or we don’t like it. We give someone feedback, they like it, or not so much.
And then…we might have a few thoughts about those people who either gave us feedback or who we gave feedback to, and what it means.
That rotten jerk, how dare he say such a thing to me, I will never talk to him again! That beeoch, she’s so defensive, I was just trying to tell her to chill out! Those dorks, they don’t know what they’re talking about when they say I screwed up! These ding bats, they never change, even when I give them good suggestions!
This week in the Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass, a fabulous inquirer had this thought to bring to questioning: “I want my partner to prioritize my feedback!”
Yeah! You got that right!
People should listen to what I want, hear what I’m suggesting, understand my ideas, take my comments into consideration!
Or what about if you’re on the reverse side of the feedback, where you’re the receiver?
People should stop being so picky, stop trying to control the situation, be more flexible, not have so many opinions, quit competing with me!
The stress appears all in that moment, so speedy it’s faster than greased lightening. FEAR!
Whether you’ve given feedback that appears to be ignored or criticized, or received feedback you don’t like….some of the same core beliefs come alive.
And they can cause a lot of pain on the inside.
I’m kicked out. They don’t like me. I’m not important. I did it wrong. No one cares about me.
Let’s take a look.
Hold that situation in your mind, where feedback went BAD.
Either you gave it or received it, and it hurt.
In that situation, is it true that you did something wrong, you’re out, you’re not likable or important, or that those people don’t care about you?
Yes. They said mean things. They withdrew. I feel guilty. I should have never….they should never….
Are you positively sure these things are true, that the way the feedback was given or received was overall BAD BAD?
No.
I don’t know everything going on in that other person’s mind. They are allowed their own opinion. They have it anyway, I notice.
How do you react when you believe this feedback exchange means YOU are outta line, you messed up?
Oh man.
Sick to my stomach, enraged, ready to go on a rant, or hit something! Ready to QUIT!
Fine! If that’s the way you react to me speaking up then good riddance! If that’s what you think of me, then good riddance!
(March off, slam door. Write email, hit send).
So who would you be without the belief that this news, this feedback, means you are unlovable, wrong, or uncared for, stupid, or unimportant?
“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense and justification. It’s not right or wrong, it just isn’t intelligent. War isn’t intelligent……After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that I am hurt in this feedback thing that’s happened….WOW.
I actually want to know more.
If they don’t like my feedback, I want to hear more about their thoughts, their feelings, what’s going on inside.
If I’ve gotten their feedback, I hear it and nod and allow it to enter me, instead of pushing it away.
And a most remarkable thing happens.
Closeness. Intimacy. Maybe tears, questions asked, concerns spoken out loud. Contact.
I turn the thoughts around:
I’m invited in. They like me. I’m important. I did it right. Everyone cares about me.
I notice now that the people I’ve had greatest conflict with, what we’d call (to put it mildly) negative feedback…have been the most important, dynamic, powerful teachers in my life.
“Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself….Search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.” ~ Anthony De Mello
OK, so when I’m afraid I’m not loved and given uncomfortable feedback, or they ignore or react to mine….I can look inside myself.
Oh. It’s pretty vast in here. Right?
It’s expansive, open, patient, unattached, spacious, gracious, full of humor.
I thought it was them….then I thought it was me….but then I realized it’s no one.
Ha ha!
Bring on the feedback!
Much Love, Grace