Tag: telling the truth

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The Great Surprise of Acceptance I Never Expected.

First of all, the latest Peace Talk Podcast 138: When the doctor said it’s cancer! (Yikes!)

People are pretty incredible at pretending they feel things they don’t really feel.

Remember the famous movie scene in When Harry Met Sally with Meg Ryan’s in Katz’ restaurant with Billy Crystal? (I’ll have what she’s having!)

And then I heard recently in the movie I, Tonya about a tragic moment when Tonya Harding skates out on the ice with a huge big fake smile, despite having terrible bruises under her make-up and emotional heart-break only moments before.

It’s astonishing how we can look like something on the outside that’s not matching at all on the inside.

It’s acting.

And oh my, I used to act a lot.

When I was a child, I covered up feeling betrayed or hurt with a smile. I’d hold in tears by holding my breath. I smiled when I was actually terrified or upset. I was shy and avoided people I really liked a lot and admired.

The thing I found amazing about The Work, and also a bit awkward (OK very very awkward at first) was the first step: tell the truth about how you really feel.

The whole truth.

No matter how petty, childish, ridiculous, mean, vicious or nasty you sound. And no matter if part of you thinks it is NOT true.

Tell it on paper, so it doesn’t sneak away and get reworded or hidden or subverted all over again.

Now, this is an incredible step, to admit and be willing to write down all your aggressive, judgmental, suspicious, frightened, childish thoughts about other people, situations, or things that bother you.

I’ve had people tell me to keep their worksheets in a brown file folder at my house, or if they’re long distance that they’re shredding their worksheet the minute they’re done with it.

But what about in a group?

Where other people are listening, hearing, contemplating YOUR mean awful desperate thoughts?

Why would I want other people, and maybe even strangers, to hear my most ugly thoughts? That’s taking it too far. I just can’t.

Long ago on my first adventures into healing my extremely anxious mind, I was led to a therapist who believed in group therapy. She believed it was so valuable, she encouraged every single person who came to work with her to eventually move into one of her groups.

In fact, if you wanted to keep to individual sessions only, she’d kick you out–er, I mean refer you on to some other therapist–who was willing to listen to you repeat yourself, possibly for years.

Even though I trusted her, I was pretty nervous about the group therapy.

I thought “I’ll never do that.”

But after six months of solo work, she said it was time.

I sat in near total silence from Day One of entering that group. I could barely whisper my name to the other members (there were 9). I looked down at the rug, or stared at whoever was talking politely.

I was deeply curious about what was going on, but absolutely shaking in my bones to reveal the true me. It felt paralyzing.

One day, about six months into me being in the group, the lead therapist (the one I had seen independently for awhile first) said she had something important to say before we began.

She turned to me.

Gulp.

“Grace, you have been completely silent for six months here. Do you realize, you are remaining in complete control by doing this? We want to get to know you, to feel you as a part of this group family.”

I began to cry. (Although not too hard, mind you).

I’m not sure if it was out of fear, or relief.

I knew that although I was terrified to share, I also knew I wanted to desperately, and to feel the freedom of being all of myself, the childish and the wise.

I started talking from that day forward, and participating honestly. Slowly, this became easier and easier over time. It was one of the most life-changing and important things I ever did for my own freedom.

While I was in that group, I had my last eating binge, I became close to my boyfriend in a more genuine way (and married him), I began writing short stories for other people to read–not just me, and I held a normal full time job I actually kind of liked.

I began to feel…..normal. Like a regular human being instead of a severely anxious, depressed, addicted wreck.

Sharing in a group with true honesty has remained powerful for me to this day.

I love the dynamics of a group and I have a deep, abiding compassion for those who wish to keep things to themselves.

I know they do it for good reasons.

I also know the power of self-inquiry that can help us begin to speak when we’re stuck in silence.

What I find every time in a group environment with other people, is we’re all quite unique, but we’re also incredibly alike.

We’re all thinking, believing, feeling humans. We all have childish aspects and very wise adult aspects and everything in between. We’re all doing it our own way, on our own path….and yet somehow, together.

“There are no new thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie

If I had not shown up at that group so long ago, and been poked to be honest, I might be living a life of simple survival, getting through each day, feeling somewhat alone and never really excited or passionate. Maybe I wouldn’t be binge-eating or freaking out anxiously anymore, but I might be resigned, or numb. Who knows.

I am forever grateful I myself responded to something within that said “call that therapist” and that I stuck with it despite having extremely frightened judgments about people getting together and being emotional (ew).

I am forever grateful the universe was friendly, and I got pushed along by the current of truth-telling, and willingness to be authentic and real.

Honesty and revealing the suffering allows the light to shine in.

If you’ve been considering sitting with others to sink into your own work, in a very safe non-invasive, nothing-is-truly-required container….then come gather with me and other inquirers to look at this goofy and difficult and sad and humorous mind that views the world the way it does.

You may discover an acceptance, through the eyes of others, you never found possible for yourself.

Because that’s what happened for me so long ago in that little group.

I shared with them out loud that I sometimes felt suicidal, that I isolated, that I ate the equivalent of five meals instead of one.

I looked up at them, thinking I’d see disgust on their faces.

I saw only acceptance. Compassion. Tenderness. Maybe some confusion. I was not banished or rejected.

No one kicked me out of the group for being too much of a mess.

It changed my life.

It showed me what I could do for myself: accept my thoughts, like little children, waiting for someone to listen….and that someone was me.

“I had such a hunger to burn up whatever thoughts arose in my mind that whenever a physical reaction came through me, I let it come….I would just stand or drop onto the sidewalk and let the emotion have its way. People were always kind. They would stop and say things like ‘Do you need help?’ ‘Would you like a tissue?’ ‘Is there someone I can call?’ ‘Can I take you somewhere?’ That’s how I met the world. It was tender. It was sensitive. These people were all pieces of me.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself.

If you’re like me and you notice you could use a little help in coming out of your shell or cave, or you’re not sure where your “yes” voice is that knows we’re in a great big co-creation experiment (oh joy)….

….then you may be ready for retreat.

Find one in your neighborhood or city, even a few hours drive away will work to gather and connect with others. Maybe there’s a meetup in The Work in your area, or someone who facilitates retreats.

If you’re in the northwest or want to head in this direction, I’d welcome you with open arms.

Three options I have coming soon:

a) Half-day retreat in Seattle March 18th (3 more spots). Only 4 hours 2-6 pm. You’ll walk through this powerful inquiry process with one important issue or troubling situation. You don’t have to share out loud–although you may find joy if you do. Ten people maximum in my Goldilocks Cottage living room.

b) Spring retreat is in Seattle May 16-20 and has room for 4 more. You can commute, and there’s a cute AirBnb or two nearby I can point you to. We have a grand, gorgeous retreat house with the most luscious grounds with little meditation huts, a hot tub, and green views everywhere. Movement, poetry, inspiring stories of inquiry, silent walk, silent movement field trip, a movie night can all result in inner awareness and you finding your own solutions to stuck-ness.

c) And then there’s Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon June 13-17 with the lovely Todd Smith. Although 3 months away, the early bird fee is NOW and it’s strongly encouraged to reserve your lodging soon, as cabins, dorms, rooms in the lodge, and even campsite spaces all get taken up so quickly in this gorgeous season where the sun is out so long in the northwest and people from all over the world come to Breitenbush. People got turned away last year beginning in May–it was a little surprising. If you’re serious about coming to Breitenbush, it’s better to reserve now (only a deposit is due upon registration)–call Breitenbush 503-854-3320.

Much love,
Grace

P.S. If you’ve emailed me about any of these events, and I haven’t gotten back to you–it may be email tech problems. Write to gracewithwork@gmail.com my alternate email.

P.P.S. Much love to you on your journey home to yourself.

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Reading someone close your worksheet on THEM (gasp!)

honest
it may seem frightening….but telling the truth is easier.  Judge Your Neighbor, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around.

Best. People. Ever. Signing up for Year of Inquiry.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone asking about the partnering thing I mention we do. As in….you have a choice of zero partnering,casual partnering, or immersion partnering.

And what, pray tell, is “immersion partnering”?

This is what the inquirer wanted to know.

First of all, just in case you don’t know…..”partnering” means you are paired with someone else in Year of Inquiry (by moi) and you connect with that person to trade facilitation in The Work.

Actually, you can partner in The Work with anyone, any time. I worked with one lovely woman for 2 years, weekly, both of us facilitating one another through worksheet after worksheet, discovery upon discovery. It was a brilliant sharing of our lives, honestly, together.

One person facilitates, one person does The Work, then you switch roles.

I always have people connect for partnering in my programs, because you get to know each other so very, very well that way. You learn about your own process, you find acceptance for yourself as you reveal your judgments or hear someone else’s. It’s an awesome experience.

Except.

When what you’re hearing hurts, or feels scary. Or the person starts to bug you.

A flash back.

One of my sisters has attended the School for The Work. It’s why I went a few months later, after she reported such immense learning, and came back smiling from ear to ear.

But I don’t feel so close to her, even though we are two School graduates.

We had a major upset about ten years earlier, when I went to visit her across country (to the east coast) with my newborn baby and my then-husband.

Things didn’t go so well back then for that trip. We had a fantastic greeting on day one, enjoyable day two, but then something started going awry on day three, day four. I was irritable, couldn’t sleep well with a nursing baby. My sister had plans for us and I felt like it was impossible to keep to the schedule. My husband was uncomfortable on the futon. Disappointment. Fatigue. Not talking it through. Tension.

My then-husband, me and our baby caught a plane home early.

The whole relationship felt different. What was once super close, now felt immensely distant.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I avoided it. I felt awful. I felt tense. I was sad but didn’t know how to bring up the “problem” which got older and older as time passed.

Then we both within months, as I said, attended the School for The Work.

Ring, ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s your sister. I’m wondering if we can break through what’s been going on for ten years between us, and talk about it.”

Hearts beating. This is scary. Intimacy.

“Agreed”.

We made arrangements to get together in person, for four hours,(I’m pretty sure I said I thought two would be fine) and write worksheets on each other that we would read out loud, and the other one would then facilitate.

Wow.

I thought about the upcoming meeting with nervousness and hope for days before it happened. I felt excited, and terrified. And I knew it was a good thing, at the deepest level.

Before my sister came over to my house, I wrote about three worksheets, noticing my urge to edit what I put there. I wasn’t so great at the time at staying in one situation. I included moments from childhood, I skipped to the time of the terrible visit (ten years in the past now). I chose not to swear, I felt too frightened anyway. I felt a weird mixture of wanting to be completely honest, but wanting to not go overboard or freak out or be enraged. No way.

Despite the carefulness, there was truth on that worksheet. Honest pain and hurt, and saying so.

Her worksheet on me was honest, too.

To get through this wild ride of exposing our inner thoughts about the other, we copied what we had seen Byron Katie do with people when they do The Work on each other up on stage. One person reads their worksheet, looks up, says “I am ____ with YOU, because _____”. The reader gets eye contact. The listener says “thank you.”

Yep. We did that.

I said “thank you” to my younger sister who said something on her worksheet like “I’m angry with you because you got the best of everything, first. I’m angry with you for being so mean to me when I was a kid. I’m angry with you for being so immature about communicating honestly”.

I don’t remember what she said, exactly, but it stung. And it was true….that’s what I remember.

She was right.

We spent four hours facilitating each other, back and forth. It was one of the most intimate, frightening, wonderful, painful experiences I’ve ever had.

Now that’s some serious partnering.

Immersion partnering, has a few tones that are similar.

The people electing to partner with this kind of depth get to capture their judgments about the facilitation and partnering process they’ve just experienced, on paper.

This can be any petty judgments about being asked questions or the way the process unfolded, or the cadence of someone’s voice as they facilitate. These are the kinds of things we grow up being told to NEVER under ANY circumstance say out loud. The little criticisms saying “I don’t like this”.

Since the two partners are usually not family members or close friends (before Year Of Inquiry that is….after YOI they sure might be)….the concepts captured on a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet may seem much less intense than the ones I wrote about my sister, or she wrote about me.

And yet….the same concerns exist between people who don’t know each other well as for people who know and love each other very deeply.

Can I speak what’s true, and not be cut off from love? Can I be honest and safe?

I’m here to say…..yes.

In fact, speaking what’s true for you, even when you’re terrified, can bring you closer to love, and safer than you ever imagined. That’s the funny part.

It can bring you closer to yourself.

No one in Year of Inquiry has to do this immersion level partnering, and anyone can opt-out any time, for periods when they’re away, or need a break, or have lots happening in their lives.

People are free to opt for Zero Partnering. This works, too. You simply want to be facilitated, and find your own answers, and pairing up with others is a bit much for now–you have some deep work to do.

Casual level partnering is the kind I did over two years with the amazing woman I connected with weekly. You bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the session, you choose how long you’re meeting, and you each get a turn facilitating and being facilitated on a difficult situation in your life. You can do this once a month, or four times a month, it doesn’t matter.

What I like about the people in Year of Inquiry is they test out the waters and try on what’s right for themselves, and they are in all walks of life and all places of experience with The Work.

We’re supporting and moving in this journey together, questioning the stressed out mind and the perspective that sees the water glass as half empty, rather than half full.

No “right” or “wrong” with how we’re doing it. Ever.

And you know what?

I am sooooo very close to that same sister I did The Work with. It’s absolutely awesome. I can trust her to be honest. There’s no wondering what she’s thinking. She shows up. I admire her so much. I feel happy in her presence.

There are still 8 days until Orientation for Year of Inquiry on September 1st. Three more spots make the ideal full YOI. Is one of them yours?

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned, nursery-school thoughts. ‘He doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a bad person.’ ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘ I’ll cry to get what I want.’ ‘I’m a victim.’ ‘You are my problem.’….Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Year of Inquiry: a profound commitment

“Doing YOI, I have found it much easier to do the work with other people. I’ve done it enough that it is just in me so I think about it a lot throughout my day. However, that is vastly different than consciously setting a time to do the work. I found this to be more solidifying of the work within me than I realized it would be. It was as though I was out of practice and this got me back into it in a big way. Perhaps something like an athlete that has been out of practice for a while then gets back into it. The strongest part was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me as well….Much love to you.” (YOI participant 2014) 

Much love, Grace

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Not speaking up? Worse than you think!

Not speaking what's true might be hurting just as much as what you fear about speaking up
Not speaking what’s true might be hurting just as much as what you fear about speaking up

Have you ever felt “stuck” talking with someone? Like, trapped in a conversation and you can’t get off the phone or excuse yourself easily?

Trouble saying “no” to someone?

Awkward about breaking up, making a change, or confronting someone?

Ew.

Yah, I hate this dilemma.

You know they’re going to be upset, or worried, or angry, or hurt, or take it personally…..

…..so you just say…..

…..nothing.

Trouble is, you’re looking at that kind of situation as if there’s only a few options, and you’re picking the Least Difficult.

In other words, both or all of the options are rough.

There is no “good” or “happy” or “easy” or cotton-ball puffy sweet candy-corn option.

It seems the Truth will hurt.

Awwwww, can’t we have just one little tiny good sweet option? A nice escape hatch? An option where no one gets upset at all and we all wind up happier than ever?

Uh, No.

But here’s the thing. Why do you want it to be easy, smooth, saccharin, or simple?

I’ve only dreamed of “better options” when the direct route feels very dangerous. When what I imagine about saying “no” or telling the truth is pretty dismal and hard because of disappointment and separation.

So for example.

I had a really wonderful friend once. She was intelligent, articulate, funny and a sharp red head. We loved the same topics about psychology, human behavior, spirituality, God and relationships.

We would start talking over a meal, which appeared to happen maybe every 6 weeks or 2 months.

And then I’d look at my watch after a couple of hours.

It was soooooo great for a couple of hours. Then I’d want to do something else. I’d want to stop perseverating over the same issue or problem in human behavior, or in our lives, that we had already discussed before.

Don’t get me wrong. A deep and intimate conversation is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I love to listen, I love to open my mind to I-Don’t-Know with everyone and see what happens.

But what happened when I got the message from within that it was now bedtime? Time to hug goodnight and move to what was next? Time to say “I’m done”?

People agonize over this when considering leaving a long-term partnership.

Here’s one of the best exercises to do, if you’re wondering how to stop making lists of Pro and Con and stop humming Should I Stay or Should I Go Now by the Clash.

Imagine the worst case scenario.

In my mind, I see me interrupting my red-haired friend mid-stream saying, “I have to call time out right now. I’m not comfortable interrupting, and I’m very tired and need to head home to sleep. I love talking with you and am worried about you taking this personally….and it’s beddy-bye for me.”

And standing up and leaving.

Or any of these possible variations.

I used to think I needed to say it so brilliantly well, it wouldn’t hurt her feelings.

But in this vision of the worst case, she was very hurt.

And I already knew she was sensing my withdrawal sometimes.

She would be careful, and try not to overwhelm me with too-soon dinner date appointments.

I would hear her say “I don’t want to bug you, but it’s been 2 months and I’d love to catch up” and I’d have a little clutch in my gut that didn’t really want to…..wanted to, but not too much.

Time for a worksheet, imagining the worse case scenario, so I can really get down on paper what I’m most concerned about.

I start to write.

I am upset because she’s too big, convincing, charismatic, excitable, charming, verbal. I’m troubled because if I say no to her, she’ll get wounded. I’ll hurt her feelings very deeply. Then, she’ll hurt me back.

I had a vivid picture in my head of her feeling angry.

I was also frightened of her turning her hurt towards herself, not just me. I was afraid she’d get depressed and snap at her kids and husband. I was afraid she would blame me and call me a bitch.

Boy. I sure was assuming a lot about what would happen.

I was also assuming a lot about what was good or not good for her, rather than remembering to simply stay connected to my own inner voice of awareness, with love and trust.

What if, knowing her pretty well, it was actually fairly predictable?

Except, I didn’t even give her the benefit of the doubt. I just assumed, without questioning. I didn’t say anything. I avoided if possible. So I silently stayed longer than I wanted to.

And get this….I even assured her, if she vaguely questioned if I wanted to go, that it was OK and maybe in twenty minutes and thanks for paying attention to the time I almost forgot myself (what a liar).

I waited for a clear sign….the kind where it was obvious she was a) screwed up or b) able to hear me.

Never. Going. To. Happen.

You may wait forever if you’re waiting for the Other Person to bring up this important thing on the inside of YOU.

So let’s look today, at the worse case scenario.

I said no. I hurt her when I told the truth.

She’s mad, very sad, and howling.

My truth hurt her.

Is that true?

Yes.

What a mean person I am. I’m kind of cold. I’m so detached. How did I get like this? I should be nicer. I should care about her more.

See…..already went flying into how I react internally when I believe this thought.

But first, is it absolutely true? For sure 100% all time true that I hurt her with the truth?

No. I really do not know.

I NEVER TOLD THE WHOLE TRUTH! So how would I know if it hurt?

Now…..how do you react when you believe you hurt someone? (Or, you could?)

CAREFUL.

Slow, deliberate, not peaceful. Kinda like I’m backing out of the room slowly. Ready to feel a knife stab me from behind.

It’s like it’s super dangerous. I’m seeing her as very needy, and trigger hot. She has few friends. She’s ditched people before. I need to be the good friend, the close one, the loyal one.

Yikes.

Who would I be without the belief I could hurt her if I tell the truth?

Noticing how much I’m the very same as her.

Noticing how I perceive her, and her qualities, as dangerous.

Because why?

Because I don’t face them, feel them myself, accept them as a part of me, too.

Wow.

Who would I be without my story that the truth, hurts?

Connected. In contact. Speaking the truth, and not running the minute I say it. Not ducking like I’ll be hit.

Willing to get yelled at. Open to anything that’s real.

Turning the thought around: She won’t get hurt when I tell the truth. Not ultimately. Not really. She’ll believe her thoughts, or she won’t. That’s it.

Another turnaround: I’ll get hurt when I tell the truth. Well, yeah.

Especially if I think getting hurt means having strong feelings. (Which I don’t anymore).

I could cry, or get scared, or feel exposed and broken open. I might feel sad that she’s sad, or angry that she’s angry.

(Been there, done that).

How about another turnaround?

We’ll both get healed when I tell the truth.

This will go where it needs to go. It will unfold the way that’s best for everyone. The outcome is not up to me.

And guess what happened in that relationship?

She ditched me….and I never told the truth.

So yeah, the final turnaround: if I do NOT tell the truth, she’ll get hurt.

Oh.

“It is not easy to keep silent, when silence is a lie.” ~ Victor Hugo

Much love,

Grace

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How to tell the truth to someone? Start with inquiry.

Everyone is gathered on the phone. We can hear each other’s voices, but can’t see one another. We each see the room we’re in, or the car, the street, the coffee shop, the airport.

Here we are again, ready to look closely at troubling stories in our lives.

The class title? Relationship Hell To Heaven.

And it sure does feel like hell sometimes.

Yikes!

This week, we were looking at the topic “Telling The Truth” and how that impacts or gets twisted up in relationships with others.

When do you not show what you’re really thinking? When do you withhold information? When do you speak up abruptly, or say no, or say “maybe” when you really mean “yes”?

Or vice versa? Say yes when you really mean “no”?

I used to feel like I had to hide PILES of stuff about myself.

Be nice, smile, be helpful, act polite, don’t get too high maintenance or PIA (pain in the ass). Be appealing. Be attractive.

Be OPEN!

(Note: if you scream “RELAX AND OPEN YOUR HEART!!!!” to someone who is afraid, do you think they’ll relax and open their heart? This includes screaming it to yourself.)

I used to notice from time to time I judged some other people as too nicey-nice, too fakey, untrustworthy, false, saccharin, superficial, gooey.

What’s more is, I ALSO noticed when someone was too sharp, edgy, mean, critical, negative, cold, bossy, pushy, constantly making contact and asking mega questions, or rude….it made me really nervous, or irritated.

Jeez! Such strong beliefs about how people should behave, in order to be comfortable!

Even if you think its SOOOOOOO TRUE that someone should stop being so high maintenance OR suspiciously passive…

….who would you be if you couldn’t lock in on that story?

Woah.

Without believing they need to stop being like that, or something’s “wrong” with it, I might rest so much more comfortable.

I might notice I’m worried about hurting their feelings, but I can still say “I love you deeply and I don’t want to do what you’re asking right now.”

I might say “I’ll cook and eat with you tomorrow evening, but today I’m not really into a sit-down meal.”

I wouldn’t have SHOULDS and SHOULDN’Ts hanging over the scene from past teachings, past ideas about what is wrong or right.

I might say “hey when you tease too much about my driving, I start to feel a little hurt because I’m worried you think I’m a bad driver, is that actually true?”

I could check things out, I could say no with lots of love in my heart….

….not because I should have love in my heart, but because I trust the presence of the answer “no” I’m feeling, and when that happens, I also feel love.

I can be with you even when you say (or look like) you’re disappointed about me saying “no”.

Turning the thoughts around about how I think people ought to be, I find I am the one who needs to relax and wait and pause before trying to create a big boundary with someone…..

….or, I am the one who could notice when someone asks or says something, all I need to do is respond. I don’t have to have a hissy fit because they are too fake acting. Maybe they’re scared.

I am safe in relationship to that person.

Every way of being is OK, I can be with others and their requests or contact or words or the way they act….without panicking and overriding my own values.

I can handle it all, I can delight in it all.

Who would you be if you lived the turnaround that everyone’s behavior is acceptable?

I’d be so much more excited about every interaction. I’d move towards or away, but there wouldn’t be such fury about any of my actions.

Everything more fluid.

It doesn’t mean I have to LOVE everyone’s behavior. But it wouldn’t be so dang important.

That’s relationship heaven.

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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What Was Terrible Changed When I Questioned It

It’s a bright autumn day. Everyone’s bundled in winter coats, freshly taken out of the closet for the colder months ahead.

It’s a family outing to visit my son for parent’s weekend at college.

We run into a favorite professor and have a fabulous conversation, we walk past my son’s classrooms, he points out buildings, he talks about red square, the fountain that spouts water perfectly in unison with the measure of the wind, designed by engineering students, so nobody ever gets splashed by wayward drops while standing or sitting nearby.

Then my son winces.

He’s had an earache, he says, and he’s trying to ignore it.

Immediately I think “Gosh. Let’s head for the student health center!”

He agrees. He’s never been before.

He’s suffered from ear infections in the past. Good to catch it before they’re closed all weekend. Free healthcare.

The whole family, including grandma, assembles in the waiting room. We have a great time talking.

My son beckons to me to follow when his name is called in the waiting room. Just like old times when he was a kid.

Or, maybe I automatically rose out of my chair and went.

There’s a chair for me, the mom, and a chair for my son, and a chair for the nurse. This is a quick intake set-up get-you-in-the-system interview, blood pressure, other basics.

My son answers questions.

And then.

“Do you use marijuana?”

My son hesitates. He looks at me. He makes an oops hesitant smile like, uh-oh, ha-ha.

“Yes”.

“More than once a week?”

“No”.

On the outside I am cool.

Inside I’m having a heart attack.

All my fears of drugs, addiction, failure, horrors, OMG my son’s derailing into a terrible world, come screaming to the surface.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Clearing throat.

Yeah. It was that dramatic.

On the inside.

We leave, have a great evening with our family, enjoy dinner.

I have to wait to sort out how I feel about this *shocking* situation.

Later, I do The Work.

Who would I be without the belief that it is alarming, or awful, or an emergency that my son said YES to using marijuana?

Jeez. A thousand times calmer, that’s for sure.

Who would I be without the belief that this is terrible, terrible, terrible and something surely terrible, terrible, terrible will happen?

Noticing an inner silence that accepts all things, including every kind of drug created by humankind.

I turn the thought around: This is wonderful, interesting information. This is an opportunity. This is not terrible. I can be real, honest. No one is out of control (except my own dramatic thinking). I get to see what I think is so scary about the news. I get to inquire.

After inquiry, I text my son. It’s been three days. I ask if we can skype later, and as always he enthusiastically agrees.

When we’re looking at each other on screen, I say…”That was kinda awkward, right? But I’d love to talk about it with you. I got scared…and…I know you’re very adult and very awesome. I appreciated you telling the truth, that was cool. Can I ask you some questions? Do you have any questions for me?”

He says…”Oh, I almost forgot about that moment, that WAS awkward.” We laugh.

I tell him some interesting family history with drugs and alcohol.

He mentions, before I even ask (it was one of my questions) that he’s smoked pot twice this past year.

Oh.

Not quite as horrifically bad as I pictured.

Ha ha!

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if the story went another way, and my son was experiencing pain and suffering…that would have its freedom, too.

Any situation offers innocence, peace and awareness. Just the right amount, for what I need.

Much love, Grace

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Feedback Anxiety Days

I have an exciting new project starting in the near future…a Podcast!

I hope it’ll be super helpful for continuing to offer you (and me) inspiration in questioning your troubled thinking and seeing what unexpected fun, relief, and freedom can appear in your life.

Click Here to answer two brief questions about it…the first one being: what should the title of the podcast be? You get to choose between two, or offer me a suggestion. It’ll only take two seconds, so click here to give me your feedback. It will really help me out.

Speaking of feedback…what an interesting area of investigation for our relationships with others.

Someone gives us feedback, we like it or we don’t like it. We give someone feedback, they like it, or not so much.

And then…we might have a few thoughts about those people who either gave us feedback or who we gave feedback to, and what it means.

That rotten jerk, how dare he say such a thing to me, I will never talk to him again! That beeoch, she’s so defensive, I was just trying to tell her to chill out! Those dorks, they don’t know what they’re talking about when they say I screwed up! These ding bats, they never change, even when I give them good suggestions!

This week in the Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass, a fabulous inquirer had this thought to bring to questioning: “I want my partner to prioritize my feedback!”

Yeah! You got that right!

People should listen to what I want, hear what I’m suggesting, understand my ideas, take my comments into consideration!

Or what about if you’re on the reverse side of the feedback, where you’re the receiver?

People should stop being so picky, stop trying to control the situation, be more flexible, not have so many opinions, quit competing with me!

The stress appears all in that moment, so speedy it’s faster than greased lightening. FEAR!

Whether you’ve given feedback that appears to be ignored or criticized, or received feedback you don’t like….some of the same core beliefs come alive.

And they can cause a lot of pain on the inside.

I’m kicked out. They don’t like me. I’m not important. I did it wrong. No one cares about me.

Let’s take a look.

Hold that situation in your mind, where feedback went BAD.

Either you gave it or received it, and it hurt.

In that situation, is it true that you did something wrong, you’re out, you’re not likable or important, or that those people don’t care about you?

Yes. They said mean things. They withdrew. I feel guilty. I should have never….they should never….

Are you positively sure these things are true, that the way the feedback was given or received was overall BAD BAD?

No.

I don’t know everything going on in that other person’s mind. They are allowed their own opinion. They have it anyway, I notice.

How do you react when you believe this feedback exchange means YOU are outta line, you messed up?

Oh man.

Sick to my stomach, enraged, ready to go on a rant, or hit something! Ready to QUIT!

Fine! If that’s the way you react to me speaking up then good riddance! If that’s what you think of me, then good riddance!

(March off, slam door. Write email, hit send).

So who would you be without the belief that this news, this feedback, means you are unlovable, wrong, or uncared for, stupid, or unimportant?

“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense and justification. It’s not right or wrong, it just isn’t intelligent. War isn’t intelligent……After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that I am hurt in this feedback thing that’s happened….WOW.

I actually want to know more.

If they don’t like my feedback, I want to hear more about their thoughts, their feelings, what’s going on inside.

If I’ve gotten their feedback, I hear it and nod and allow it to enter me, instead of pushing it away.

And a most remarkable thing happens.

Closeness. Intimacy. Maybe tears, questions asked, concerns spoken out loud. Contact.

I turn the thoughts around:

I’m invited in. They like me. I’m important. I did it right. Everyone cares about me. 

I notice now that the people I’ve had greatest conflict with, what we’d call (to put it mildly) negative feedback…have been the most important, dynamic, powerful teachers in my life.

“Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself….Search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.” ~ Anthony De Mello

OK, so when I’m afraid I’m not loved and given uncomfortable feedback, or they ignore or react to mine….I can look inside myself.

Oh. It’s pretty vast in here. Right?

It’s expansive, open, patient, unattached, spacious, gracious, full of humor.

I thought it was them….then I thought it was me….but then I realized it’s no one.

Ha ha!

Bring on the feedback!

Much Love,  Grace

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Daring To Question The Great and Powerful Oz

It was a hushed, late night, pitch dark outside. The house was very quiet except for my clicking fingers on my keyboard, and the glowing light of the laptop screen.
I was writing my heart out in email.
I was sharing with a friend my response to her challenge the day before, also written in email, that I was doing something she felt uncomfortable with in my wedding preparations.
She told me she didn’t feel the celebration contained the formalities she thought important. She thought we shouldn’t call it a wedding if we weren’t going to actually get a license.
The night was quiet. It was very late, after midnight. Very unusual for me. I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her email I had received, that I was now replying to.
My inner immediate reaction (not the email I wrote in reply) to her email was, on first read, something like this:
“She doesn’t know me at all! She doesn’t understand me! I thought she was less conservative than this! She wouldn’t bring this up if I were gay…what a hypocrit! She’s not the person I thought she was! She’s such a snob! Forget her–she can GO TO HELL!”
 
Yes, it was that mature.
My stomach tightened, my heart sped up just a little, a shot of adrenaline zinged through my arms as I grasped what she was saying and read her words that she did not agree with what I was planning for the ceremony.
She thinks I’m not being HONEST? How DARE…….
 
……Ooops. 
 
I have an automatic timer that goes off when I begin to say the word “how dare you/she/he/they/this….”
Because I know I’m being totally, completely, utterly defensive.
How dare they? Like they should be afraid? To dare question the Great and Powerful Oz Grace Bell?
As I couldn’t sleep, I knew it was time to inquire.
Stressful thoughts were multiplying. I was beginning to question the entire friendship.
Is it true that she doesn’t know me? That she should know better? That she’s too conservative? That she’s not the person I thought she was (in other words—WORSE than I thought she was)?
Is it true that she should go to hell?
Argggh! But! This is wrong! She shouldn’t be so contrary! What does it matter to her how the ceremony goes, how it’s recorded or planned, what traditions are included, whether it’s an official license or not (my husband and I weren’t sure what we even wanted at that point)?
She’s in my business!
Gulp.
Is it absolutely true? Is she not allowed to speak up? Is it true that if she says what she thinks, she’s a snob?

 

No. Deep breath.

I am in favor of people telling the truth. Whether it hurts or not. I love the truth. I adore real, passionate, heartfelt words.
Communication at the core, authentic, most truthful level is my FAVORITE THING. Um…usually.
And even when it’s not, my closest friends are people I connect with and talk with with complete openness, even if we’re afraid.
How do I react when I believe someone is speaking against me, challenging my core beliefs, threatening me in some important way?
I want to write them off, get away from them, cut them out of my life, ignore them, act nice but back out of the room slowly.
Or I might wish they die in a plane crash, off the top of my head. I mean, I want them DESTROYED.
I feel really afraid, even if my reaction appears angry on the inside. I know that what I am…..
…..is terrified.
But who would I be without the thought that she was frightening? That she was wrong, critical, too conservative, and a snob?
I would realize that she brings up excellent agonizing questions, that the whole nation is actually debating. Whether to get a marriage license or not, to declare assets together as a business/economic entity or NOT.
(And I love equal rights for everyone).
In my heart I was getting married with a deep emotional and inner value of commitment. But I KNOW emotional commitments are enormously likely to change over time.
They are more likely to change that to remain stable.
And my past experience is that when the relationship grew more distant (in my previous marriage) that the economic end of the marriage was eventually dissolved.
It’s called divorce.
So for me, there was NOTHING stable about committing to marriage on paper, with the county, the state, the nation, one other human.
My friend expressed my deepest angst and anxiety about what was true for me. I did not know. In fact, I had no idea if this whole marriage/commitment thing was good for much of anyone.
My inquiry was ultimately with the government, laws, marriage, and what I had learned socially. I was mad at my society and my conditioning. And mad at her for learning the same conditioning.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t speak her mind? That she isn’t expressing something important, meaningful, and loving?
I would read and re-read her email, and see that she didn’t call me names, she didn’t berate me, she was loving, kind, direct and caring.
Without the thought that this was wrong….
….I relaxed so deeply, knowing that there is no absolute answer. I have no idea what the future will be. There is no future.
And after a wonderful discussion with my soon-to-be partner that day after I received the email, I searched online for marriage licenses “just to find out what’s involved these days” with this thing I am not even sure I agree with.
Oh. The offices to get licenses just happened to be about 2 miles away from our home. And this one night of the week, only on Tuesdays (it was Tuesday) it was open later into the evening. It was open right then, for another hour.
So my partner and I said to each other “Let’s go over there and get a license. What the heck?”
So we did.
Turning my thoughts around, I saw that I was the snob, I was the conservative one, she was freer and more liberal in that she could express herself to me.
And what did it matter if she were not the person I thought she was? I wasn’t thinking well of her in that moment….so….good. I was not the kind, generous person I thought I was.
Thank you everyone who has “dared” to tell me honestly what they think. Even if it sounds mean. Even if I don’t like it, or feel quite desperately frightening by it.
That dark night, after inquiry, after my stimulating discussion with my now-husband, I wrote an email full of honest love and gratitude to my friend.
And then pushed SEND.
“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love—it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie
With love,
Grace
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The Truth About Hiding Dirty Mental Laundry

Yesterday I shared the TOP 4 healing elements that offered me peace from the extremely compulsive way of thinking, and ACTING, that I used to engage in from time to time.

Well, OK, that I engaged in almost constantly.

I must confess, my mind still works at warp speed quite a bit of the time.

It’s not like I’ve stopped thinking. I see images, pictures, and scenarios either that I make up for the future, or that already happened in the past.

I have sounds or smells or voices pop into my consciousness. I have memories or visions come to mind in an instant. I experience uncomfortable feelings.

Even when I’m meditating sometimes, the mind sometimes has endless commentary.

But there is something very, very different about my experience that is hard to describe….and feels much easier than it once felt.

And often, it feels wondrous, alive, accepting, or joyful.

I think Byron Katie puts it best when she says that she thinks thoughts, but doesn’t BELIEVE them.

The second step that I mentioned yesterday, out of those top four components to healing a troubling relationship with “x” (you fill in the blank for yourself) was revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings to fellow companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away.

This is big. Pretty scary for just about everyone.

It’s exposing your dirty laundry! EEEGADS!

Thoughts about telling the truth of how we really feel…to OTHER PEOPLE…even thoughts ABOUT those other people right to their face…yikes, that can feel so incredibly frightening!

It’s like you know you’re not being utterly and truly honest, and you have questions, concerns, fears, or observations. You can ignore it or hold it in for longer, or you can bring it up.

NO! Not bring it UP! I don’t want to talk about it to that person! They’ll hate me! They’ll get angry!

I’ve got to show CLEAN laundry! Pretty laundry! Presentable laundry!

They’ll think I’m mean, selfish, rude! They’ll yell at me, or leave the room and slam the door, or ask for a divorce, or get super scared and run into the street screaming for help!

They’ll tell everyone they know, and everyone I know, what a nasty person I am that I mentioned this hurtful thing, that I asked for what I wanted, or that I spoke of my feelings.

Then MORE people will think I’m horrible than just that person to whom I told the truth of how I felt. News will spread and I’ll be rejected and no one will want to be my friend.

EVER AGAIN!

A war will start! Either a small personal emotional war, or WWIII.

“If I tell what I’m thinking OUT LOUD, then the other person(s) will suffer—and then I will suffer—and nothing good will come of it.”

That’s a belief. It can be questioned.

I remember hearing encouragement from various healing practitioners to tell the truth. The whole truth.

But I thought what I was thinking was so YUCKY and HORRID. I should be ashamed of myself just having these thoughts.

Early on, when doing The Work at my first school, I edited one of my worksheets when reading it out loud to my facilitator. I could read most of it but not THAT sentence.

The facilitator might judge me and be disgusted!

So let’s begin….is it true that if I tell the truth about my inner feelings and thoughts that some person, or people, will suffer or be repulsed?

Can I know for sure that it would be better to zip it? Can I know that if it hurts someone’s feelings, I should not speak it?

No.

OK, they might feel hurt. But can I know this is bad, in the great big scheme of things? Do I really have control of other peoples’ feelings?

No.

When I believe the thought that I should always keep quiet lest my words or feelings disturb someone else….then I become plastic. I become false. Energy gets stuck inside. I look nice on the outside, and feel angry, tormented, sad, or very anxious on the inside.

“Can you understand how the mind has a plan? You’re planning to fear war that isn’t even going on….but I invite you to wait for the real war, and live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my worried thoughts about revealing myself honestly, then I can breathe, and share myself.

I can write a worksheet that has EVERYTHING in it I ever imagined saying, and then NOT EDIT it when I’m reading it out loud to a facilitation partner.

What a relief.

And speaking these terrible thoughts, or wonderful thoughts, out loud and exposing them, and me….I actually become more accepting and loving.

Less afraid of war. And laundry.

I actually start getting excited about telling the truth. Even if it’s terrifying and I know that the person I speak it to might leave, or judge, or feel uncomfortable.

I do NOT know, absolutely, that what I am saying is “wrong”. I do not have an internal war going on before I even talk out loud. I don’t have a plan, or an idea to force things to move in a certain direction.

I don’t have an Outcome all worked out. I am open to going with the flow of the universe.

“What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all areas of our life? What if we stopped avoiding ourselves completely? Because that really is the awakened life.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting to tell your secrets, to confess, to tell the truth, to listen, to come out of hiding, and to not run….then doing The Work can be one of the most sincere ways to begin.

With The Work, it may feel scary, but you are getting real with what’s going on in your own mind. You write down your most troubling thoughts, and get facilitated on them.

It may feel terrifying…but it’s worth it. It can bring you into an awakened life.

Note: Two 8 week teleclasses start in June to question your stressful thoughts about FOOD (Tuesday 5:15 Pacific 6/11) and also MONEY (Thursdays 5:15 Pacific 6/13). And of course the incredible One Year Program of diving in together starts June 11th (only two spots left for that).

If you’re called, come join us! Your truth deserves to be set free out in the open….so do you.

Much love, Grace